Chiffonesque

Tough day. But still, we are building a legacy of bright, shiny glints. 1. Papa is well. I met him today. 2. Cousin came over today. Met her before she returns to Orissa soon. The drive back where I dropped her felt like a Jhumpa Lahiri novel. 3. My cousin gifted a new dress. It's pretty. 4. I have fever but nothing too bad. 5. Got some advice from a friend.

 I read about the EY CA today. I am sad - especially when I learned that she was new to Pune and was adjusting to a whole lot. I am not sure if the quick solve is to only hold EY or the manager responsible. Without dismissing this painful event. I have to bring up an alternative. This young girl worked. I have been surrounded by plenty who don't. In a bid to avoid burnout, people are avoiding work altogether. And it doesn't help.  An aspect of finding work-life balance is an inside job as well.  There is no getting around it. Sometimes if you are an obsessive personality, you will not have balance even if your company gives you a 6-hor work period. If it's not the job, it's a hobby. If it's not the hobby, it's a relationship. If it's not a relationship, it's an ideology. Balance is possible when we truly learn to detach. When we are not deriving self-value and self-worth only by working ourselves to the ground. Anyway, this was something I wanted to get

 I am feeling bereft and quietly brutalized but with still. Filled with deep gratitude that I got through the day (and the day got through me). Here are the things I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. He sounded well and happy. He takes an auto to his college. I am not happy about that but I sense that he hurries to hang up if I pester him about not leaving house. So I shut up today.  2. I completed a storyboard quickly today. I am sort of happy about how it turned out. 3. I am on leave tomorrow and day after. This Saturday also, a cousin might come and visit. But that's in the future. I may have to pitch in to complete the tasks during my days off. But let's see what happens. Today I am grateful for setting up the Auto-responder for being on leave. 4. Cook made hummus at home. Oh man! So superb it was! 5. I ate some nice fruits today. 6. I had a beautiful, tender conversation with a friend. It was sweet. He told me about the trees near his home in Pune. One is a a variation of

Today was an off and it was a sweet enough day. I had a crazy nap - long, deep - it felt like an eternal seduction into the quiet. Here are all the things I am grateful for today: 1. Papa is well. Spoke to him and he sounded so cheerful! That was good. In fact, that's the most precious treasure I look for everyday - his joy.  2. Got a short assignment that I finished in a couple of hours.  3. I was thinking about money today. I need to earn more and was wondering where to go looking for more work. I felt myself getting into the usual panic mode but I stopped. Whatever else happens, that is the path in my brain that gets rewired. I will not panic or stress about money anymore. When I think about it, I have never actively made a budget but there was always enough for everything. Lately I have been flummoxed about how, even without making a to-do list, sone things get done. Of course, some stuff get left out. But that might mean that tasks come with their own destinies (or timelines).

It was a difficult day. There was some stress eating and a thudding in my head owing to news I heard today. But still, we must be dogged about this practice. So here are a few things I am grateful for today: 1. Papa is well. 2. Had a really good conversation with an old friend who I reconnected through work. We talked a little bit about poetry we read. What is it about poetry? The way even the hardened, gnarled root in our heart softens and we offer ourselves to soak up bleeding rainbows?  3. Both my help came to work today. It was nice. 4. I was completely wiped by 8 pm. This was a good feeling. Exhaustion too is an interesting form of life. 5. There was good wifi, I was not blocked from using Netbanking services, and there was water today. 

 Well, we have crossed half the month of September. Feels like a little bit of a victory. Not that not crossing it would have been anything of a failure. Anyway, here are a few things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. We spoke today. There are some new developments that I am not crazy about. But I am really going to try and keep my cool about things. The other day I met some friends and it seems that all of our individual and collective problems seem to be an inability to stay present in the situation. And our inability to trust and surrender. I think this year I will break this bondage - of always worrying about the future. 2. Really enjoyed Buckingham Murders. Kareena Kapoor is mighty fine. As is Ranveer Brar. The movie, I thought, could have dwelled a little more in silences and quietness. It's not as if you can't guess the identity of the murderer midway (I did). But as good police proedurals go, the plot is not the point.  3. Got a good facial after ages - maybe aft

 The blog is getting more popular, I see. Interesting. I was very tired and out of sorts yesterday. Scrambled to the bank to get money but it was closed. Still, the fact that I am sitting here typing away at my blog means that I have survived the day and have something good to relay about what went down. Here's a quick picture of what it's like tonight. I am wearing a very soft tee-shirt that now has holes in them but it is soft as a whisper, as a roomali roti (same colour too) and a crimson scarf as wrap-around to open the door tomorrow morning, etc. These are nightclothes, yes, but oddly chic and comfortable. It's good enough to get on a ferry and sail away to the moon.  Okay - so what are all the things that I am grateful for today: 1. Papa is well. We didn't speak today but there were no urgent or panic calls. So all good. 2. I had the most excellent service at the Geetanjali salon. They wax eyebrows, not thread them. I prefer this and now my eyebrows are looking so

 A day began and a day ended. A few things that I am grateful for. It's a Friday - the last day of the week so I can unwind and take the time with my list. To set the scene - it is nearly 4:30 a.m. I had started this post around midnight but then slept off for a bit, watched a ton of YouTube shorts (Two Broke Girls is really growing on me) and faffed around. But here I am after winding down and this post today is a precious little piece of life: 1. Papa is well. He called today which is a rarity. Usually I am the one calling. But we spoke. He sounded well. He said that he is still working 3-4 hours a day and really enjoying it. I told him to stop working - I'm earning enough and all that. He said that it is not for the money (which knowing the kind of raw deals my father gets, I know he will not get paid), but he likes it. I am not in favor of him working but then, I am trying really hard to detach myself and let him do whatever makes him happy. Sometimes I think I have caused

This day just got gobbled up. Not particularly happy with the way things went. But here goes: 1. Papa is well. 2. Managed to make it to the gym. 3. Had water, electricity and stuff. 4. Enjoyed the leftover Chinese food. 5. Managed to make it to the gym.

 I really don't feel like writing today. A lot has happened. But here goes: 1. Papa is well. 2. I am safe despite what happened. 3. There was food, water, electricity. 4. Had a lovely soothing Chinese dinner at Marriot, Juhu. Very sweet, warm waiter. 5. Had a nice rickshaw ride.

I am so exhausted. It feels like an enduring exhaustion too. But that's okay. We got through the day and there is stuff to be grateful for. Let's begin. 1. Papa is well. 2. I got clarity on one piece of information. It took a lot of back and forth of communicating in circles but got that done. 3. I wanted to buy something expensive from Zara. But I did not splurge. 4. Did not overeat. 5. Gosh! The walk to Bandstand was heavenly! There was such a strong, cool breeze that it felt lavish. 6. I wore my sand-colored linen skirt and waistcoat co-ord set from Zara with a silk striped shirt. I had bought it long back but I wore it today and it felt good. To be in real formals on a stressful day. 7. Had a good amount of saag today. Spinach and masala rice made with parboiled rice. Some vegan Blue Tribe sheekh kebabs on the side. It was tasty. 8. Had strong wifi. 9. There was water and electricity all through. 10. Had a good chat with a friend.

 Rough Monday. Anyway here are all the things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. Did not talk to him today but no emergency calls. So that is good. 2. Was really famished today. Enjoyed rice, karela fry, chana daal cooked with cauliflower, and a green chili chutney. 3. I am really being tested at work. Still alive so that's a good thing. Hence leaving it as something to be grateful for. Something good will come from this. 4. I had a really healthy lunch with fruits, curd, and coconut milk blend, and chia seeds. 5. Water in taps, clean clothes to wear, and a lovely, cosy home.  Things are good.

  Since the last two days, I have been getting the feeling that the next few years will be tough. The next few months will definitely be difficult. It will just require me to be like a soldier to get through this. No artistry, no softness, no meandering...I pray for the fortitude to show up and get through. With that preamble, I now present the few things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well He sounded happy and tired. 2. I had to work today and I made some headway. Not as much as I would have liked to. But I'm happy that something got done. 3. I ate some fruits today so that is a big step towards well-being. 4. I went and had a lovely head massage at Hair Love Stories in Bandra West. It was a nice 1-hour massage and I got a haircut and a wash and all that. It was relaxing. 5. My cook and cleaning lady turned up today and they enjoyed the soft, spongy modaks . 6. I wore a really pretty Marks and Spencer dress. It was a long linen dress with a comfortable slit. I'd bought it

 Tired and dehydrated. But let's see. It was a full day today and we have a lot to be grateful about: 1. Papa is well. I did not get to talk to him but got to know that he was out for Ganpati darshans.  2. A friend and I went to Matunga for ganpati darshans. We stood in line and saw the GSB Ganpati. It was gorgeous! Such a wise, peaceful, happy Ganeshji. The flower  market at Matunga was a sight to behold! There were these garlands with such beautiful purple blooms- deep purple. They weren't orchids. They looked like little compact dandelions.  3. Our eatings at Matunga were something - I had a yummy spinach dosa and podi-   idli with filter coffee. My friend had a rava sada dosa , butter milk and filter coffee. Then we had a couple of softees from Just Chill 7 ice-cream parlour - a butterscotch and strawberry mix for my friend and a vanilla for me. Then we dropped into someone's house. They gave us home-made luscious ukadacchi laddoos with ghee, coffee, chips,  and all. It

 So tired mentally and emotionally. It looks as if each day of the rest of this year, I will have to live twice as much. But here are the few things I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. He came by today and it was a nice surprise. 2. I got ukkadaichi modak (steamed modak) from The Bombay Sweet House. They were the softest, spongiest, tastiest modaks that I have bought commercially. (Otherwise my cook makes nice ones but I forgot to get the ingredients for her to make them for me.) 3. We completed 1 milestone at work today. That was a big moment.  4. I have to work over the weekend to complete something else. I am not ecstatic about that but I have wanted to create training on technology for a long while. This is a good opportunity.  5. I have calls with the client every evening. Today there was a lot of noise and music on the roads as people were bringing home the Ganpati. I was a little worried about how it would go. But managed. (I think "but managed" should be on my obituar

I wish this year was done. Here are all the things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. He sounded happy when he spoke to me. 2. My cook had used the Blue Tribe mockmeat and made a tasty Chello kebab biryani. 3. The channa daal was really tasty too. 4. Had different kinds of conversations. It's really amazing how you can be the same species as another entity and still be so different. Sometimes communication feels like a kaleidoscope of a giant juicy soul.  5. I bought croissants - soft, tasty, fresh baked butter croissants from the bakery below my building. It was gorgeous when heated and served with jam. Had that with ginger tea. 

 I almost lost my cool four times but here's what I am grateful for today; 1. Papa is well and it sounded as if he had a good time at the ashram. 2. I finished a little work but also got started on some other work today. I get the feeling as if the next few months, rather the remainder of this year, I will need to approach them like a soldier. Stoic, focused, detached, strong, brave. 3. My cook made very tasty besan chilla today. 4. There was a good call with the client. 5. My health was better today. Somewhat. Could sit up without a whole lot of bodyache. 6. What a gorgeous walk I had! It was soothing, melodious, and complete. It was a walk in the rain. In Bombay. At Bandstand. At night. In the midst of a thinning crowd and an expansive world. It was a wonderful, wonderful walk. 

 A ton of bodyache and fever. But we survived the day so here are a few things that I am grateful for,: 1. Papa is well. 2. Some blockages at work got sorted out. 3. Had a really nice massage this morning. I think it soothed me a great deal so I could start work later in the day. 4. Enjoyed the fresh, crisp masala dosa my cook made for lunch. 5. Had a lovely walk up Pali Hill around 11 pm. This is one of the few things I find precious about Bandra. On a weeknight, after a tiring day, you can just take off and walk up Pali Hill, onto Carter Road. Cars are few. There will be some people walking cute dogs. An odd athletic person will be jogging. Boughs will be weighted down with Jasmine or raat ki rani blooms. There might be a light drizzle or a cool breeze. The lyrics of the song you are listening to go deep. And you look around and are comforted by the gentle beauty of the place you call home.

 Today I write to soothe myself. It was very extreme mood-wise but we got by however we got by. 1. Papa is well.  2. My cook made this very tasty ukkad...rice flour cooked in boiling hot water, seasoned with just salt and turmeric and then tempered with curry leaves, mustard seeds and chilli. Finish off with ghee. It has an upma-like consistency and it's yummy. 3. Although I did not get a good amount of planned work done, did some groundwork so that the team can expedite work tomorrow. 4.  Worked out today. Grateful that the body still moves. 5. Have a roof over my head, food on the plate, water in the taps, and no debt. I have come to appreciate this more and more now.

 There's a very strong internal turmoil and a bad churn. I was just filled with blinding rage a moment ago. It was so strong and violent that I had to go and lie down for a while. But despite these quagmires, there were a few things that I am grateful for. Here's the list: 1. Papa is well and I went to visit him today. 2. This weekend I attended a workshop on personal branding. Today the session was good. I am not sure how much I will be able to apply in a freelance setup but I think I will reflect on this a little bit and then see what direction I could take. (I wish there were a talent management company that could manage some aspects of my work. I think it would be a good deal for the two of us. I have made so many wrong choices because of emotional dysregulation. And no matter how much people say that talking about mental health is important, etc., if you have had episodes of compromised mental well-being and have talked about it, it's not easy getting a second chance.

 It has been a long time since I wrote. Many things have happened and many things will happen. Will take this chance on the last day of August to soothe things. 1. Papa is well. 2. We traveled to Orissa and we landed back safe. The trip was because of my uncle's funeral. But I got a chance to sit for the pooja, same as what I had sat for my mother's. The pandits were very nice. They said that if you do anything with shraddha (i.e.- devotion), then it is shraadh. (The final offering to the deceased.) So if I take care of Papa well now, it is still shraadh. And that kind of shraadh is important - to give when people are around and not just when they are gone. 3. We stayed at the Mayfair Lagoon in Bhubaneswar. There was one specific night that I relish. It was the night we reached. Sometimes relatives out of goodwill can be really relentless and want to meet Papa. He could barely sit straight after the long flight but he still wanted to meet some people. I put my foot down, threw