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Photo by cottonbro studio:

https://www.pexels.com/photo/white-yellow-and-purple-ice-cream-4686943/

Saturdays are always tight for me because it's a day I have decided to attend to some duties that are important for my soul. It does not make sense to blog about them and I am too exhausted to actually journal about them. But maybe after I reach the 534th day, I will take time off to sit and journal and actually note down everything that my soul duties are making me learn and do. But...what isn't a duty to a soul? I use the phrase loosely - but something that feels painful but you know that it can be strengthening you from the inside.

I had an epiphany in one of my conversations with my father. We don't have a driver now and I really don't think I want to take up driving again. Hiring a driver seems like a seriously tedious undertaking. So I had called someone from a 'Driver for Hire' agency and he was not all that great. Later I released him and my father went to the ashram for his prayer meet by auto. He does that every day nowadays. When he returned, there was no phone. He had left it behind somewhere. At first he said that he had not taken it with him at all. Then he said that he had left it in the auto that he ha'd returned home in. But our cook told me that he had done this in the past many times so it may be in the ashram. We went and there it was. But I remember the fury and rage rising in me against him. I don't understand why we can't just make do with less. I told him he could sit at home and do his prayers or else, he should just come to Bandra with me. Suddenly, it became very clear that I was upset exactly the way my mother used to be - not just the same way...the same sequence! 

Nowadays I do some targeted meditation to understand what my pain points are - the real pain areas, not ones that manifest at convenience or crisis - just what is the trouble below the rubble. But I want to be very careful about this. I see people who get all Freudian, Jungian, Alderian, or some other -ian about it and start treating trauma like treasure. Then they don't want to release it. This is precisely why I am wary of counselling in India. As a culture we are so prone to deification - whether sport stars, movie stars, politicians, etc. - how can we make sure that we are not sculpting our own idol of foibles - the sort we will not want to break? Anyway, my reservations aside, I did find a book on Jung's teachings at home and I brought them with me. I got a load of books from Vashi today and that's excellent!

Tomorrow I think I will go to a coffee shop - maybe one a little farther away and do some journaling. Then there's the edit work that I will do. Looking forward to it actually. But anyway, that's for tomorrow. Let's see - what's up for today.

Somebody asked me for a job today. I told him that he is not a good instructional designer today. He got really upset and said that he had a lot of experience. I told him that made him an experienced instructional designer but not good. This is what worries me - how are people equating quality with the number of years? Yes, there is a correlation but not causation. When you start talking about ADDIE as a learning theory, you really need to understand that you have to go back to the fundamentals a little bit. ADDIE is a developmental model, not a learning theory. A developmental model gives you a systematic roadmap of how to construct learning materials, but it does not explain how learning happens, like cognitivism, behaviorism or constructivism. 

Now, a little but about the image I used - I feel that represents the trauma we have collected over the years. They are frozen and hardened in ice, but because we have lived with them for so long, they have started looking pretty. And all the therapy and navel-gazing and intellectualizing and distracting it away with good intentions isn't thawing out the frozen pain. It's propping it back into the freezer.

Well, one can only hope that someday the fridge will break down, the ice will melt, and the trauma can be weeded out for good.

But yes, the actual investigation into one's real motives seems to be a relentless, exhausting exercise. Or at least that's what it feels like for me. Maybe it gets easier with time. Or like a yoga teacher once told me..."It doesn't get easier. You get stronger."

Our Bengali cook had made some really tasty stuff today. First there was a masala dosa for brekker. Then lunch was a very tasty soya bean pulao. Dinner was simple plain dosa with a piece de resistance chutney. It was a traditional Bengali chutney. There's a base of mustard that is cooked with jaggery, water, dried chilli, and turmeric. To this you add thinly sliced raw mangoes and it is cokked right until the mangoes still have their structural integrity but are cooked right through. It is awesome! That combination was brilliant!

 

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The view from the gym. I usually go later at night when it is dark and I love working out with lights off and windows open, listening to the patter of the rain. But I was going for a movie later at night so thought I'd sneak in a workout. This was the first time I saw the world outside lit in a rainy evening dusk. So sweet and lush - it looks like a child's botany project. 

And the sight of the bend of the Pali Hill slope - that is just the daintiest little sliver of soul that shines through dark times. 

The lights had started coming on - and I live that. I thought I would give that honey-glow shade of the first evening light to be switched on in the evening a name - maybe Fezzluqa. It's a cozy yet dulcet shade of a subdued sun, domesticated blaze - Fezzluqa. When that comes in, children gather at the dining table for homework, granny puts down her knitting to change into her nightie, the parents discuss the day that went by and share an inside joke while laying the table for dinner...Fezzluqa is that tint and hue of how we take a shard of broken mirror and build our sweet empire on and get by.  

I went for a late night movie. Just to set the context - PVR refuses to switch on lights before the movie begins so you have to scramble around with your phone for light. There was a cockroach roaming on the counter, and the 800 bucks nachos were stale and drivel. It was swarming with people for Jurassic World - Rebirth. And just all of this would ordinarily have adversely impacted my impression of a film. But it was an Aamir Khan film. I don't like the actor too much. But his movies do soften the edges of a brittle experience quite a bit.

I don't know why I never really liked Aamir. I must have eight or nine when I saw the huge hoarding of a boy in a leather jacket with his back to the public. He looked like he was playing the guitar. You couldn't see his face. It was the first poster of Qayamat se Qayamat Tak. It was one of the first posters on Carter Road and one of my friends in school told me that it was her brother's friend - someone who was very good at chess and had won a few series at both Khar and Bandra gymkhana. I was hooked onto the word 'Qayamat'. I didn't know what that meant. When the movie released and my mum took me and my friends to Gaiety Galaxy to watch the movie, I was besotted with the songs - and Juhi Chawla. I didn't get the deal about this guy. He was sweet I suppose and the ending was beautiful. The last scene of Aamir kissing Juhi before he lays down to die next to her against the setting sun (just like the way they had met - she had seen his silhouette against a setting sun in the beginning) - I still get goosebumps when I think of that scene. 

Anyway, he became a huge deal after that. He was a Bandra boy, stayed up Pali Hill - so all my friends would keep his notebooks, etc. etc. I also found him insufferable in Dil and Mann. In Andaaz Apna Apna, I preferred Salman. He bored me in Mela and all those films. But I liked him in some movies of his that didn't do too well - Raat, Talaash (my favorite performance of his - outranking that parakeet performance in Rang De Basanti and Three Idiots), and Akele Hum  Akele Tum. I liked him in Dangal too but Talaash is where I felt he understood something about the inheritance of loss...I had liked Lagaan in all the parts that he wasn't there (and to his credit - that was quite something - he really was one of the villagers. That poster of Lagaan where he is not front and centre was quite a big departure from the types of posters we used to see at the time). But something about the way he was with children, about losing a son, about losing a childhood - somehow those are the pieces that rung true for me.

And I hadn't seen a movie in the cinema halls for a long time, so I went for Sitaare Zameen Par - and I am so, so glad I did. It is so sweet and innocent. It is not as big or deep as one might want it to be - a little too pat in places, but the kids he is working with - they are so fresh and innocent. I liked Genelia a lot here. She is not cutesy. There's a sombre gravitas to her that has come with age that really suits her.

But there's a scene in the film where Aamir's team plays a match and something happens at the end of the match. He is defeated but he looks around and sees his team celebrating.  There's a look in his weary, jaded eyes (of a mature man who is clearly past his youth, irrespective of how his hair may be colored), and you can see his awe at witnessing a simple person's largesse of heart. The sun is streaming through the slats in the gym, his team has crowded near him - he is part of it yet not part of it...and his wonder...of just how lucky he is to have them. His eyes crinkle and he smiles.

And maybe for the first time ever - I saw what the charm was all about. 

A Fezzluqa moment.

 

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 There was a major delivery today which happened. That's a great feeling when you pull through despite all odds. 

Then got a call from Papa. My stomach got tied in knots somewhat. It would be good if I had so much peace in my heart that I could envelope his world completely and make him a Happy tree house in a gorgeous Red Wood Tree. 

Sometimes I think I will not die but turn into a bird and fly away somewhere. 

Anyway, it was late night and I walked up Pali Hill in the rain. The night shimmered like a wave of sequins. The sight of rain falling like crystal needles against a lamplight stuns you a little bit. For a brief second, everything is a little tune...of a hymn. My heart just fills up. Sometimes it's weird just how much love can emerge at one moment when you recognise the perfection of it all - the rain, the wind, the road, the solitude, the memory, the hope, the eternity of yesterday and the neverness of now. 

It's like what Tennessee Williams said in 'A Streetcar named Desire'... Sometimes there is God so quickly. 

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Not a very productive day. Still a bunch of things to finish. Maybe will start really early tomorrow and get stuff done. Brain was getting fatigued. But I amped up the workout today. That felt good. 

The number of visitors for the blog has been spiking a fair bit since the last 3 to 4 months. Last month the numbers were really high - nearly three times the usual number. The incident with that decrepit internet rodent would have been one reason. Anyway, someone connected with me today for a sponsorship post. I declined. But good to know I have options.

A few things arrived from Amazon today. I have not unpacked them but I think they are blue glass bottles. Will use one of them to paint something on it.

Okay, enough for now. Some shut eye and then hopefully some concentrated work.

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 Today was good. Some solid work happened and some progress was made. There's an early morning call tomorrow. So I will probably make myself a cool drink, surf a little, and go off to sleep. 

Tried out a new cleaning lady today. Beyond useless. Anyway things are crazy and I really need to temper my expectations. 

I think in future, people who are not deluded will win. Today someone called me because they needed inputs on writing their resume. They wanted me to rewrite a few sections so a specific skill was highlighted. First of all they did not have that skill at all. In fact what they wanted me to highlight turned out to be traits that inhabited that skill. Then they were oddly convinced that they were good at things. I would have rewritten their resume earlier according to what they wanted because I too would be blinded by their nonsense. Today I refused point-blank. Because through a lot of painful experiences at work and outside, I have seen trouble being caused by delusion. 

Weather was good but there was a lot of work. Didn't work out today and ordered this excellent bambolinis from Cremure. Tried the blueberry one today. That was excellent.

It would have been nice to get some reading done today but unfortunately that didn't happen. Looks like July will be a hard and tough month. Like the rest of it. So need to try and stay easy through it all.

Over the weekend, in a conversation with a friend, the works of Jung had come up. Dhe mentioned the book Origins and history of Consciousness. It's an expensive book. I ordered it and it arrived today. Such a thick, dense textbook. I just flipped through it and wondered if I needed more concepts and labels in my psychological wardrobe to dress myself with. But it could be a tired mind talking. Once I organize my life a little bit, get a little sweeter about life and living, make a proper study timetable, and actually go through these piles of books, it will be good.

Rather I suppose it is good now. In the stillness of the night, the heat and humidity of the rain, a full library, and some overflowing wardrobes, life actually is good. I am strangely surprised even as I write that line- the sudden outreach of peace and calm that just enveloped me now. 

That's the deal you see when the delusion lifts. 

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 Today is over and I am glad. I wish things were better today. Day began with an unpleasant doorbell. I wish things were sorted for good. Work went on. I wanted to start my day late but then had a few calls during the day. It is amazing how much one gets exhausted by it 

But that at least there was some progress. Went to the gym. Spoke to a friend over the phone. Had sauteed vegan seekh kababs. Did that myself. Sleepy now.

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 A long, full day in town. Woke up early to attend a class, then met a friend for a day in town. Brunched at Nutcracker Colaba, visited the Prince of Wales museum (which has been spruced up remarkably but remains cryptic with information and thematic organization as before), traipsed along Colaba and found ourselves at the Subko at Abode, ate at Gokul, found a few nice cheap shirts to buy, walked by the sea a bit, and then got home.

A ton was discussed and I need to maybe unpack a couple of things...Jungian archetypes being one of them.But for now, pictures of a day gone by, complete with pictures of a window with black gauze curtains from the museum.

I loved the eyes of this following bust. So detailed.

The museum is actually quite pretty. 

The following piece was a really cool installation of men hanging from a local train whilst blitzing across the city. This really was like a secret code for people who have lived and worked in Bombay during a certain period of time. So many people, includng kids growing up in Bombay today or those who have moved in here today, won't get the reference.

For some reason, the museum has a ton of mythological pieces from around teh country with very little from Maharashtra. This bit below is an interesting statue of a dog who resided with a saint in his cave for a while. When the saint died and he went to some intermediary plane, he was not able to stay away from his dog so he came back to Earth to keep the dog company. Finally, the dog led him to enlightenment. That was so sweet!

The following set is a crowd of cute little lamas! Such chubby cherubs!

It seems as if Bhairava, the rudra or fierce avatar of Lord Shiva is gaining traction in today's times. This one bust is actually quite beautoful when you observe the various other heads and eyes in sculpted in his mukut (crown).

Mountain figurines are so beautiful and delicate. I am always drawn in by the long tapering fingers and eyes closed with attention and rapture. It's a common motif in all of these mountain art. 

I loved this little windo with black gauze curtains. It lended a touch of old world mystery to the place.

The museum is quite random. Out of nowhere there's some peacock-oriented art from Rajasthan. Why? Who knows?

I loved this clay bust of an elephant! It looks so peaceful and happy.

Some wheel of life art painted on fabric.

The following bust is that of Buddha. Such a handsome face! Watching a lot of Buddha statues together, it is fascinating to see his features change from lotus-eyed, long-nosed prince to Oriental-featured spiritual master. 

Jain statue - this is the 22nd Tirthankara.

There is a variation of this in Elephanta.

Oh, this is such a sweet, sweet picture! This is also Buddha - in the form of a prince. Some people consider him to be an Emperor of the world, apart from being the Enlightened One. This is a representation of that. I think he looks a little like Lord Krishna here with a peacock feather on his crown. His expression is so serene, kind, and joyful.

We then walked out of the museum and found ourselves at Subko where I had cold water. COLD water. Such a precious luxury.

It's quite a cute Subko! Small teensy place but with the trademark community table and I liked the rajnigandha here.

This Subko is in an old heritage building. I was quite taken in with the chandelier here. 

We walked around, shopped a few things, and then went to Gokul. Finally we left and saw a tiny patch of lights and bulbs threaded aross a small patch at Bade Miya. A sweet little spot of joy. Always Bombay. 

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(Pic. reference: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-lawn-graveyard-19783590/)

Childhood as canvas.

Subconscious as a child.

A wound as inception.

A scab as an eternity.

Sunlight for the weeping.

Sunshine for the dead.

Moonlight for the grieving.

Darkness for the unsaid.

Pain as palette.

Heavy heart as a muse.

Tristesse and songs as snacks.

And art as abuse.

Pastel is the denouement.

Lurid is the surprise.

Guitar splotches for the spilled tears.

Piano welts for the reprise.

A moody kaleidoscope spinning

Churning so much and this haze

Hides all the cheers from long ago.

Wipes out the glasses we had raised. 

 

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(Pic. courtesy: Photo by Sebastian Voortman.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/body-of-water-during-golden-hour-189349/)

DWorked through the night to get an early start to the stuff that was shared earlier. I also

went for a class at 6 a.m. It is a 3-day workshop on something.

It is a 2-hour workshop and in the middle of it, I got so sleepy that I slept.

Anyway, I did what I could. I started work and finished late - but one thing off my

my list. Tired to write anything now.

 

Not tired really - just depleted. 

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 Today was also not great but I think I may be getting a sense of how to proceed. Early days but let's see. It was my father's birthday and I had taken leave today to go meet him. Didn't work out. So went to my favourite Subko in the morning, had black coffee and an amazing sourdough toast with almond butter, bananas, honey, and cinnamon. It is expensive but it is really really worth it.

The new cleaning lady did not turn up today. Someone in her house is unwell. So I told her she is out of the job and I will pay her for the days worked. 

I have seen a very strong connection that if you are spending money on medicines, legal cases, etc., it means that somewhere the energy with which you are earning money is not honest. It needn't be smuggling or killing people. It could be shortchanging the extent of work you do, being unfocused, or one of those who want to spend "quality time" with your family by palming off work to others. That is exactly the sort of wages generated that will get spent on nurses, medicines, etc. And the fact that this is more common today than ever just goes to show how badly we have approached work. 

Earn but not give to charity, take leave but not finish tasks, not take care of your health do you go simpering about burnout...why have men become so weak? Instead of so much focus on female hormonal profile, we should study the rate of testosterone drop, I think. No grit. This cleaning lady's 26 year old son who was unemployed for ever went to a job for 2 days and fell so sick that he had to be hospitalized. Tomorrow there will be a large song and dance recitation of how he ate something, how he drank something, etc. But this is laziness. When you get so lazy that it becomes your identity, especially in your youth, it can only destroy you.

Everybody wants to marry rich...the men want to marry rich, the women want to marry rich...and no one wants to work or think.  

Heard about this horrible incident in Etawah. Brahmins accosted men of a lower caste and shaved their hair and sprinkled urine on them. These were men. I wonder if there's a problem with the water and grain of this land now that men are getting this pusillanimus and cowardly. 

And these useless men are married to hapless selfish women who will stick on to the marriage because they are secure. And their children will go to some paper-tiger International School where they will be ashamed of living in the country and slavishly eat Korean food. That's the state of the modern day Hindu - weak, lost, incapable, useless.

It's amazing how much corruption has happened with the Upanishads. But no. Let's not read that. Let's eat Ramen and stay caste-ist. (And people from other faiths - their extent of interest in Hinduism is whatever the BJP says. Everybody wants to be a dunce.)

I think we should have a Uniform Civil Code now. It really is time. 

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 It was a very painful day. I don't think I have felt this much heartbreak in a long time. It is amazing how I got through the day. But now I don't know how I will get through the night. Warmed up the tea and it is sickeningly sweet. I actually put sugar now and not the stupid Stevia. But I want to make coffee now with Sugar-free. My mind is really numb and I am quite surprised that my hands are not trembling. Sometimes the capacity of the body to manage and regulate itself is fabulous. 

I have still a lot of client feedback to incorporate. I should quieten down the mind and heart and carry on. 

But it has to be said. I feel defeated. Maybe I am.

Maybe that means that the war is over.

Maybe that means that I'm still not ready for the battle that continues.

Still - 100 more days remaining. We will 'soldier' on.