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A very bad mood

 I have been trying to sleep for a while but have not been able to. I am in a very bad mood. Turns out I am very averse to change. Things are crap.  Deep breaths are not helping. I am feeling very trapped. The anger and irritation is quite intense. Let me take a few moments to just quietly watch myself.  Works 

That kind of a day, that kind of a thought

 It was Eid and Ekadashi today. Thus far, I have managed to keep the fast for Ekadashi. But we still have 2 hours to go so...let's see. I had this urge to go to a temple. There is a small one near my house. Today it was filled with people singing keertans. So I went to the  Iskcon. I like the temple. It's so big and bustling. It's organised and musical.  But today was very crowded. Usually I go to temples and do a quick pranaam without offering flowers or fruits. But I felt like buying a thali. I got one with some fruits, tulsi leaves and a single marigold flower that lay there like a fully energized petaled sun. There was a long queue and I was already feeling stressed in the pit of my stomach. But the line kept moving and just like that, I had my darshan and I got done.  I came out and thought of getting a flower for the pooja room in my home. I bought a lotus. The florist fluffed out the petals and it looked like a sweet little bird.  I caught an auto back and as is my n

One more day

 Today began with so much tumult. But I managed to finish one set of work, have a couple of strong work-related calls, and a lot of other things that induced panic. But I had a massage and spoke to my father. Some days, talking to Dad is the most special thing that happens. I have started reading another article and it seems interesting. It's on the nature of persuasion. Have not been able to find the book on Shiva Sutras now. That was quite mind-bending. But I am trying to explore this process of detaching yourself from your body first and mind second. I had a scary dream in the afternoon/ early evening. In the dream, I was talking to a friend. I was telling her that I wanted to go to the base of the Worli sea link but people discouraged me. My friend repliesd that she had wanted to go there too. But people, especially her father, said not to go because a lot of tigers were killed there. He held her back physically and said,"Kabhi nahin bhoolti ." (She never forgets.) I

A nice walk and for the next 140 days...

 Had a really nice walk today. I woke up a little upset because the cleaning lady had taken an off today. It is getting very irritating now. But I must be patient.  Then I read an article in the Harvard Business Review compendium (the HBR'S Ten Best Must Read books). It was called 'Telling Tales' by Stephen Denning. The article had an interesting reference to an 'International Storytelling Center" in Tennessee. I just looked it up. It seems like a really nice place- an NGO dediicated to improving the world through stories. (Link: https://www.storytellingcenter.net/) Should research it some more. In this article, there was a segment called 'The Story Catalog'. It was so cogently written. This is the thing with good writing - the work shows and also does not show. It's like looking into a goodlooking face - it may be without make-up except for that slight dewy tint that looks loke your face emerged like a pearl from an oyster. But it has good features and

Awake for a while

 There's a lot to finish but I started my day early. Really early. I am getting a little tired of the cleaning lady who comes to my house. There's something about her that's innately unpleasant. But jobs are important. I should suck it up until things reach a point of no return. Really sleepy now. 

One more day

 Today was a little scary. Some guy pretending to be from the gas agency entered the house and poked around the house, etc. I should not have allowed him in but the day began on a high stress note anyway. So I was distracted. I really ought to be more careful. It's getting really hot and I wish it rains now. Like right now.  I have to finish a few more things. But I am so tired now. Maybe tomorrow.  

What's been up...

 I just finished some work and informed the client that I may need more time. Before I retire for the day, I decided to restart the blog. A lot of things have been on my mind lately. Most of them are about religion. Rather my religion. Actually not so much my religion but the narrative around it. I have recently come across this author, J Sai Deepak, a copyright lawyer tackling IPR. He practices in the Supreme Court. He has written a trilogy about the Indic civilization's decline through invasion, proselytization, and subsequent usurping of collective pain by an alien paradigm of secularism. I got the last book of the trilogy, "India, Bharat, and Pakistan - the constitutional journey of a sandwiched civilization." The book traces the constitutional founding of the two nations and how that has marginalized Hindus. I have not started reading the book, but I got it because I think it's time for me to read and tackle complex text. Managing an onslaught of work and some ho

Rest and peace

 I am in Delhi now and I am typing this post without my spectacles and it is hard. It is awful and it is crazy. Things are weird and life is weird and people are weird. I am in Delhi, staying with J for a while. Today she made me a little mushroom rice in a clay pot. It was very tasty. We went for a walk around the block and we bought some flowers - pink, white, and yellow lilies and two red roses. The florist gave J a sweet, delicate pink rose. I love flowers in the house. These are now in a vase on the dining table and they look so friendly and pretty! J is working and I look at the flowers as I type this. They say hello to me. Fresh cut flowers are my favorite way of soothing myself. Actually creamy coffee is. I think I will have coffee now.

2023

 With a man urinating in a plane and a cop being stabbed in broad daylight, our year has begun. Maybe to offset the ghastliness, I am writing to record this sweet little incident. I had gone for a walk and on the way my phone fell down. A young boy, maybe in his late teens, made the move to pick it up. I found that sweet. 

A few days gone by

 Not that anything really changes for me. I am still working and my tea has gone cold. I am wearing a pretty nice outfit though. It's a short black top with gold bootis , linen pajamas, and my mom's gold necklace. It looks quite nicely put together, even though I showcased this heightened sense of style to the world by going and buying fruits. Today I got malta  - which is a beautiful orange, sweet-lime, citrus-y variant. It looks so beautiful - that color is fresh and vibrant. It looks as if it were cultivated with joy. Back home. I should start working on something now that involves me going through a couple of call recordings. It has been a few days now and things are rather upsetting. But the other day V came home and showed me an old two-rupee note. It was so cool! That sweet pink little note! Brought back a lot of innocent and happy memories. Feeling scattered at work. My neck and shoulder and back are hurting. Let's see. 

Memorizing life

Sometimes when I walk around, I think of various themes and plots and possibilities. Today I thought of amnesia. I was thinking of which place would remind me of something if I lost my memory. There are stronger memories associated with different places, etc. But this picture here is mixed with awe, memory, imagination and curiosity. This house is somewhere off Hill Road. Ever since I remember, this house has had the same type of lights...6 rows of stars and fairy lights. Always, every Christmas it was this. Only one balcony in that large-ish bungalow is really done up. But the glow in the balcony is so wholesome and wonderful. I think if I ever lost my memory, I would remember where I was by seeing this house lit up for Christmas.   

Some pictures from my walk today

 

For the first day of the last month

 I didn't write anything yesterday because of several reasons. Things at home are very tough. At work, it's going okay but not too well. I think the main thing is to reason level-headed and detached so that I do not explode and destroy everyone and everything. Now, I feel the need to go away somewhere and work. I really need a change of scene.  Okay, I am getting pulled in a lot of different directions. And it is now critical that I make a list and just stick to it. And maybe wake up earlier at the crack of dawn and start work. There are just so many meetings!  It's tough, tough, tough. Basically have kept myself sane by looking through pictures. Okay. I have to attend a call. Poured myself a little Diet Coke and settling in to listen in and take notes. Always good fun.

Rounding off

 Went for a shorter walk around Pali Hill. Not too shabby. Feeling a little sick. Around Bagel Shop, there was a lot of smoke - it was fragrant but still smoky. Now my nose and throat itch.  The moon was so pretty and cute, peeking through trees. Sometimes it looks funny - such a dainty thing hanging over a police station. Anyway I was very distracted and in a foul mood throughout the walk. But must take a moment to be grateful: 1. Papa is there and he was walking around here and there with minimal pain. 2. There was food on the table and roof over my head. 3. I am safe.  4. Laptop got repaired.  5. Had stable internet connection. 

Bullshit day

Just been the most annoying day interacting with people who have no respect for boundaries. Just ringing the bell whenever, even though they have clearly been told otherwise.  Just so annoying. That Will Smith movie where everyone is erased from the earth and it's only him and his dog? Wonder what he was complaining about.  Anyway, I have not yet gone for a walk. Not sure if I want to. Really need one day of rest where I just want to NOT have to open the fucking door or talk to anyone or land up for idiotic meetings where no one bloody turns up.  Anyway, last day of the month. Month's almost done. 

Joy

I am having a glass of beet juice right now. Unsweetened but beet has a velvety sweetness that I like. Today Bandstand was hopping! So many people! There seemed to be an army of couples sitting on the rocks and a strong crescent moon shone on them.  They looked like alien little shells that the high tide had brought in.  Bought a couple of packets of Maggi from a tiny cigarette shop that can't stock large packs because of the size, I guess.  Maybe I will make a packet to have with the jackfruit sabzi.  Okay...i am not wearing my spectacles. So blogging on the phone is becoming a bit of a pain. Still...day recorded. One survived. Over and out.

And so...

I did not write yesterday. Not because there was no time but because I had to finish a couple of storyboards and I had parked working on the storyboards over the weekend because the rest of the week is spent in meetings and feeling tired and exhausted.  But despite my displeasure, I wanted to begin a Monday morning with a meeting. I think this is what one means by 'creatures of habit'. Just today I was thinking about how it has been so long since I woke up with no agitation. Sometimes as I read, "When the body says no" I wonder what all I am putting my body through - a continued, sustained stress. But then again I think that perhaps this is a rite of passage. That by building a capacity for precisely this agitation, some superhero-esque dimension is instilled inside of me and it will soon emerge. I don't know if it is a function of time and space (or it must be a function of time and space because nothing is permanent) but I have taken to deny much of my routine p

Much is left to be done

 A lot of work and I would like a break. Still. Could manage to step out for a quick walk up and down Pali Hill. That was so nice. Pali Hill is a really pretty place. It's dug up but still pretty. There was a party going on in one of the lawns. I heard someone singing and saw deep pink lights on trees. I tried to peek in through the gates and saw blush satin stage drapes. Looked fancy. Will sleep for a few hours if I can. Then wake up and work, work, work. Maybe call in for a massage. Really need the stress relief. Anyway, here goes. Sleep 

Friday

Today has ended. Papa was supposed to go to Vashi and stay there but I threw a small fir. So he came back but he will go tomorrow for the weekend.  Went for a pedicure today. Felt good. I haven't had one for ages so all the scrubbing and sloughing felt nice. The good man working on my feet very happily said, "New feet now!" Went for a walk to Mount Mary. Had a plate of Pani puri. This one hour of walk by myself...it is the most precious thing for me now. Last night I woke up feeling very anxious and scared. I could not breathe and I was having some ugly, scary dreams. An outburst later, I soothes down and slept. Today I came across a term, "emotional safety". Must look it up. It seems like something I would need. Head hurts a bit.

Tired

 Was a distracted weirded day. Phone conked off. Got it repaired. I have to meet a friend for dinner tonight but I have a knot in my stomach. I don't know. I feel as if I am losing confidence in many things. Really just want to remain in my flat and not meet anyone or do anything. I feel the need to conserve all kinds of energy - monetary, mental, physical, and emotional. Something is happening inside of me. I don't know what but I really don't want to be around people anymore.

Okay so...

 Pavlovian responses to evening walks seem to be kicking in. I had to create an audio script for a rather large topic. I thought I could wrap it up in an hour but even after two hours of sturdy work, there was a lot remaining. The sun had set. The traffic noise seemed to be abating and I didn't want to skip a day. But there was a lot to finish. So I thought I would take a short walk.  Today I went to Pali Hill instead of Bandstand.  It was lovely! They have dug up the road outside Rishi Kapoor's house for quite a long stretch. So only a single line of cars can pass. But it was cool and quiet. I couldn't find my earplugs today. So I had put on some music on my phone and tucked it away in my crossbody. Today I listened to a song recommended by a colleague, "Moondance". The use of flute in this piece is quite lovely! I remembered how much I love Pali Hill. It's not as bustling and urgent as Bandstand. And there are spots where you feel wealthy...not because one h

Filled up on Tuesday

 Day began with a client call. The call went off reasonably well. Papa makes me a concoction with warm water and methi powder. It's a little bitter but I like the taste. It's got a smokey, nutty, bitter taste - almost like a dark roast. I had a to-do list all done but I get exhausted just talking and listening to people. So I did not get as much done. I went for a longer walk though, which was lovely. My legs are aching and I am properly tired but there was high tide and lovely Breeze. I sat for a while. Didn't like the fact that a guy was just hanging around me talking or pretending to talk on the phone.  Walked towards the end of the promenade and clicked what I think is a gorgeous picture of a city that lays half-developed like a soft boiled egg in the shadows and reflected lights on the surface of the sea. Came home and really relished the glass of cold water. Today I tried something that was so yummy! Tore off a plain croissant, dampened the pieces with milk - just eno

A Monday Melted

 It was a distracted Monday but did get a few things done. More importantly, I have some clarity about what I need to do tomorrow. But here are a few things I am grateful for today: 1. Papa and I went for a quick coffee at Project Hum at Pali Market, near Suzette. I had a black coffee. Papa had a warm noodle and tofu salad bowl. He seemed to like it. 2. We went to Marks and Spencer. The deal was to get him a jacket for daily wear. But he didn't get anything and I bought a lot. I got a white and black boat neck tee, a very cute pink striped tee-shirt to go with my new bubblegum pink pair of tracks, two t-shirts to wear for my walks, and one soft, cozy, cuddling-near-a-bear comfortable plaid shirt. I am really looking forward to wearing it. I also got a pair of navy blue tights. All in all, I look forward to the following days being sponsored by Marks and Spencer.  3. The walk was so awesome. It was cool, windy, and crowded with just the right amount of people - enough to feel safe b

And then...

 Wanted to make a quick note to capture the stuff that happened yesterday. Well, not much but I got very fed up with how I was feeling so I chopped off a lot of my hair. Then I suddenly realized what I had done and called up a place near my house to get the damage curtailed (or anything that didn't make me look like a murderer trying to go into a quick and drastic disguise. The person who runs this place, Bae, just near Pali Market, was gracious enough to not look too shocked (considering he had cut my hair earlier). He did what he could and I left. (If you are in Bandra and you want a haircut, that's a spot I would recommend - Bae. It's in the same place that Mad O Wot used to be.)  There's a store near the Mount Mary Basilica where I saw the sweetest porcelain/ ceramic piece of Joseph, Mary, and a baby Jesus. I wanted to buy it but the place seems to overcharge a whole lot over the weekend. Maybe I will try buying it later.  I came back home and was feeling so heavy a

So, about today...

 It was a mixed bag - more tumult than anything nice. But my cook didn't come today so I had to enter the kitchen. I didn't do much but was so emotionally exhausted that I took a long nap. By the time I woke up, my father had cooked the other dish and that was that. A friend had come over to Bandra but couldn't meet her because I was getting too stressed over work and the fact that my cook didn't land up today. Ordered a couple of dishes that I would highly recommend: Almond croissants from Poetry Love and Cheesecake. They are the only ones in Bandra that make eggless variations of this. Katthal (or jackfruit) biryani from Biryani by the Kilo. It was awesome! It came in a clay pot sealed with an atta seal to keep the rice fresh and steamed. It was so fragrant and lovely! I am trying to cut down on sugar and rice because it is good for health. But today I needed to indulge to just soothe myself down. Went to Bandstand with V after a long time. Many months. We talked but

Stuff that happened today

 I got a stomach upset again...out of nowhere. And out of nowhere my finger swelled up. I don't know if there is some sympathy pain syndrome happening here where I am experiencing what he is experiencing. Or whether it is Vata imbalance. But my body is behaving very strangely. Did a bit of work. But really too exhausted to talk about it. Completed one task but so many others remain.  My last client call got done late so I went for a walk late. Weather was good. It's Friday so there were a lot of weekenders. A man was wearing a pista green sherwani with mirror work. He has his hair up in a man-bun and wore kohl in his eyes He was casually sitting facing the sea and chatting with another friend. The kurta was stunning and he was such an astonishingly splendid sight! Indian men look so good in Indian clothes! Today the cook had made some palak Paratha and it was awesome! Spoke to Dad, heard some stories and a tiny segment of life slipped by. Am tired and sleepy now.

Such a foul mood today

 I had started this post a couple of days ago but I am writing it today. It is sickening - the amount of anger just swishing inside me. I got so violently ill yesterday - with loose motions. I've not had loose motions for two decades now. My body was aching so badly. And it was sudden. Very sudden. And today the fan stopped working. Not related maybe but who can tell. Maybe there's an amount of funk and junk in the stars. I had a call early in the morning and a call late evening. I think just the walks to Mount Mary are my source of emotional nourishment. Earlier I used to take the Mount Mary steps and go to the Basilica. Nowadays I walk through Bandstand. Sometimes I find the walk soothing. But other times, like today, I felt sick. All that darkness and shadows, sharp rocks like evil, greedy jaws laying bare because the low tide has exposed them...It felt like a cruel world. I was approached by two women today. One was in a car at the foot of ZigZag Road and asked me where Pal

Dassera

The Durga murti at Patwardhan park is so beautiful. It is life-affirming. I am really tired. Exhausted. Nowadays all my days seem to begin with calls. And I am finding it extremely tiring to interact with people. I like it but it's really draining me out. I want to take a break for 3 years at least and reset my system. The fatigue is too much.