Chiffonesque

 Today Dad and I had whole-wheat bagels from Bagel Shop and a mushroom soup thickened with coconut milk. It tasted like a stew. I never quite liked bagels but the whole-wheat ones tasted quite nice. They are quite filling. Today I watched a little bit from the movie, Haasil. I think Irrfan Khan was one of the greatest. I never realised how good he was earlier. But now I realise why his performances are so good...there is a quiet dignity and understated excellence about his work. It's reflective. Tomorrow is another day. Today pretty much feels wasted. 

 My very first job was direct sales. There we used to refer to Wednesday the 'Humpy Wednesday' because it broke up the work week into two.  But it's not Humpy at all. It's sickening. Came across this bit of news that Barkha Dutt's father passed away due to Covid. And she did one of her shows a couple of days after she cremated her dad. Sometimes so much of our living is on autopilot. The way we reach out for work like it's comfort food. I remember last year, during the pandemic, Yogi Adityanath's father passed away too. I don't think his demise was Covid-related. But I remember thinking that it must have been really tough for him.  Loss of a parent is never easy for anyone am sure. But losing a parent when you're single... it's not harder for you. But you hope that in his or her final moments, your mum and dad didn't worry about how you would survive without spouse or kids. (As it turns out, living is done one breath at a time irrespective of...

 Wanderlust has Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd and is possibly the most avoidable film ever. And it's not because you can't get past the Friends hangover. Although with the umpteenth rom-com, both Anisto and Rudd seem to be reprising the other Friends characters. In a movie where Aniston is a perfectionist, you immediately think of Monica. Where she has a job, you think of Chandler. Where her partner turns gay, you are reminded of Ross and in this movie, where she plays a free-spirited artist who can''t hold down a job and joins a commune with her husband (Rudd), you of course, think of Phoebe. Aniston and Rudd are a couple in New York who have decided to buy a house. They can afford a really small one. The broker sells it to them as  a micro-loft whereas it really is a studio apartment. Rudd loses his job, quits a subsequent job with his obnoxious brother, and the couple then move into a commune because (for some very inexplicable reason) is their only choice. It is su...

 Today I returned the advance money I had taken for a couple of projects that my heart was just not in. I felt instantly better. I tried and successfully walked up 8 floors after said refund. One of the things that I am very grateful for is being able to not take the money for days I have not worked or for projects that I found really biring. Am not a millionaire or anything but I would rather lose out on money from projects that warmed my heart than earn from those that left me cold. This is not just honour or anything. I am very sensitive about the energy with which I earn money. If I do not feel I deserve it, I fall sick. Of course, as a counterpoint, I am looking for ways to sue a company that really made my life hell for so many months.  PG had visited me today and it felt so so good! I felt a little normal after a long while. Papa is coming tomorrow (fingers crossed) and I can't wait! It will be a lot of fun, I think. If not fun, it will be a lot of relief. I will have h...

 The body ache is too much! It is really too much. It feels as if I have worked out a lot and I haven't. Well, I did do some stretches the other day after a long while but... It's interesting just what all is aching. My eyelids are. It's strange but they actually are. And my breasts are so sore. It's horrible! The other day I was watching a series where this girl's mom dies of breast cancer and she also has the same mutation gene so she is also susceptible. So she goes for check-ups and all that and it gets too tedious for her. So she decides to get a double mastectomy done. In the series - which is really glossy - this portion felt a little gritty. She was not able to lift her hands, her new breasts were sore, etc. Maybe that got inside me - this could be my story. Except that life without medical insurance takes a different turn.  Anyway, even the sleep feels as if I am buried somewhere - somewhere nice though. It's pink, candy-flossed, and laced with arsenic ...

 Early summer evenings. The sun is bright and mellow.  There's a very delicate outline of a moon in the sky. The light glows, gleams, shines, rubs off, melts and melds onto various buildings and the humble wall outside my house that I stare at. The city that I see reclining on my bean bag - skewed tops of buildings, a croocked sky, a planter that looks giant-sized from my vantage point...they remind me of liquorsin large cutglass bottles.  One of them is a fresh, light white wine. Another is a robust, tasty Sambuca. Another is a fun and flirty Beetlejuice liqueur. Bandra says cheers! 

 

 Not feeling too good. Or good at all actually. Sleep has been really surreal.  Body is paining really badly.  Throat hurts. Fingers and feet seem like they are on pins and needles. My dark circles look as if my pupil melted and trickled down my eye. So black. And for some really strange reason, my lips seem swollen. Like surgery-type swollen.  Oxymeter is not available anywhere close to my house, interestingly. Although this doesn't feel like the big C.  Everything should get better soon.

 Today, R and I had stepped out at around 5 to check if we could get anything. We were down to very few rations and I was feeling a very special type of suffocation that this pandemic has brought on.  The weather was beautiful. The sunlight was butter and honey. While walking up Pali Hill, I saw a large-ish patio of a flat in a dilapidated building. It seemed to be overrun by all the potted plants and creepers. There were tons of large, round danglers that seemed to be made of mother-of-pearl...they had that sort of luster. The walls had such pretty knick-knacks. R told me that the patio seemed to belong to world travelers who brought back pretty things to decorate their place with. R and I were in luck. All the grocery stores were closed or were only doing home deliveries. But one told us to separate, move to the opposite side of the road, stand by the gate, etc. And then the shopkeeper came out, furtively looked side to side to check if there were any cops, and gave us our s...

 Today I ate masala puris, aaloo mutter, and aata halwa. I love puris. I also love chhole bhature. I told J that I will see her in July and we will eat deep-friend stuff every day. I hope that is still a thing in South Delhi where I have encountered horrors such as sugar-free moong daal halwa and air-fried bread pakodas. This is why no one trusts people in South Delhi - they really do take the joy out of everything. And by joy, I mean grease. The finger tips must shine and gleam with unabsorbed oil. That's when you know something is well-made.  I am having a cup of black coffee now. I like it. I also like coffee with a splash of coconut milk. Also a bit of almond milk or a tablespoon of Milkmaid - condensed milk. In one of my trips to the US - I think this was when I was staying with my friend in Chicago - I came across cans of unsweetened condensed milk. I was horrified. I didn't even know that that could exist or why someone would get the unsweetened version. Milkmaid is rea...

 I am typing out this series because I have to work on an email but it's not coming easy. I am also trying to process (or shut out) a snarky comment from a client to get a schedule to start work for her. I don't blame her. She has been patient with me. But things have not fallen into place so far. One lives in hope.  Okay, so the first bit of stuff to get off the top of my head - I was sitting by my window early today morning. It was beautiful and cloudy. I could hear koyals and some other bird that sounded like a thrush. I saw two parrots flying about. They sat on one part of a wire. Then they were hopping to the other side when one of them seemed to realize that they had wings. So they took off to the other side. The mornings are filled with so much birdsong that the crows are actually the quietest. Who knew? I see them sitting around, pontificating here and there. I never thought I would say this but I miss the cawing of crows. It reminds me of a simpler, more normal time....

 This little clay pot held creamy phirni yesterday and today, it holds some ghee, a wick, and a flame. There's a lesson in this for me somewhere.

 A while ago, I was stuck outside my house because I had jammed the wrong key inside the keyhole.  I could not get the key to move, open the lock (obviously), or come out. I jiggled the key this way and that and nothing happened. All this while, the right key dangled from the keychain. It wasn't lost or stolen or forgotten in the back seat of a cab. It was right there. Yet, the wrong key refused to budge. And I was stuck outside. The only solution was to dismantle the lock, remove it completely, open it up, and take the key out. This is how the last few days, weeks, or months have been feeling. I feel stuck. Clearly there's something wrong. I don't know if it is a neurological problem or what. But there's something wrong. I definitely need some kind of a psychological reset. I sense that the right stuff - whatever this right stuff is - is right there in front of me or in me but for now, it seems to be hidden in plain sight.  And I am stuck. Outside my 'home' - w...

To take a block of life and grate it into something somewhat poetic is how I get through when it all gets too much. And it is all getting too much. Happy birthday, Ma!

 Today was a strange Sunday. Didn't do much. Just bracing myself for the week that will be coming up. Was supposed to meet V which didn't happen. Slept. Bright afternoon sun on my face as I napped in my curtain-less bedroom.  Woke up. Talked to J. We spoke about the situation in Delhi. I really want to go there. I love summers in Delhi...the smell of melons and flowers.  Slept again. Ate. Procrastinated. Turned down a client because I found him irritating. Then Jayegee pinged. She's a friend from long ago and now, in a really far away place. She asked if we could talk. I got so excited that I immediately went for a bath and got tidied up.  It was so great talking to her. So comforting and nourishing. Today at home I was feeling the burden of a certain sense of ennui...and I also felt that this feeling is not going away anytime soon. I think I am done with wanting things to be different. This is it I suppose and I am good with it.  A neighbour came over. Uncle to...

 Returned home to Bandra. Spent some time with my brother and sister-in-law. Watched a few videos. Warmed up a bowl of rice and daal, had a couple of Kombuchas, and picked up reading my novel again. Then slept off. I could hear ambulances hurrying past at night. To have a little space to retreat into is a very deep privilege. Am very grateful for this.

 A list of 5 things that I am grateful today: 1. Father seemed to have more energy today. 2. Had really tasty food today.  3. Enjoyed the snippets of Shark Tank on YouTube. 4. Cab ride through BKC was pretty and peaceful. The flowers are gorgeous. The leaves are green with a vengeance. It is awesome to have such lush life break through. 5. R told me about some interesting fishing stories. She said that they catch these small river fish and bring them home when they are still alive. Then they kill them using their hands. Apparently using metal to hack the fish spoils the taste. Then they run the fish in the sand to clean it and remove the scales. After they remove the git, etc., they then wrap the fish in different kinds of leaves of some local plants. These are roasted crisp in mustard oil and had with rice. 6. My dinner was simple but really tasty. Hot rice cooked with a little extra water (I like the rice to be really soft and squishy), a pat of butter, plain boiled daal and...

 Am not feeling too good with a lot that has transpired since the last two days. Especially not after being stopped by cop on Pali Hill now and being told to return home just when I was going to buy chilled Diet Coke. Anyway, I had ordered Kombucha earlier today so I have that.  Anyway, let me list ten things that were nice today: 1. My cook made very tasty palak daal and cubed crispy potato. 2. Slept okay in the afternoon. 3. Dad is feeling better. 4. The sky was beautiful. Early evening I saw three kites flying very close to each other and they look like they were being moving to music. 5. Spoke to J who told me about this series 'The Equaliser'. It has Denzel Washington which should be good. 6. I have a house, running water, electricity, and coffee to last me 3 days. 7. My new shoes have arrived (some of them) and the black Lee Cooper ones are awesome! So awesome that I want to wear them and position the camera on my feet during Zoom calls. 8. Saw a really beautiful woman a...

 I pronounce you dead. Rather you are dead to me. 

Pema Chodron said the following thing...and I suspect she said it after having the kind of days I have been having since the last few days: "Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing.  We think the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved.  They come together and they fall apart.  Then they come together again and fall apart again.  It’s just like that.  The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen:  room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” Since yesterday, things are just splintering around me. I woke up really early to finish a job that I had slipped by me. And I was emotionally exhausted. I was tired and parched and thirsty. In times like this, I always call J. She is so good at calming me down, getting me to climb down from a mental parapet, so to speak.  I was able to pull myself together and complete a job with as much a...

Birdsong and traffic And an ordinary day Chaos and jitters And a crazy, crooked way For cracks to widen And things to slip through Losing trinkets and time Until I finally discover you. (On crazy days, one is glad for fairy lights.)

I finally managed to finish one assignment today. That was good. It was difficult at first. Projects that have been left alone for too long start having this stench of staleness. And then I have to really clear my deck completely to immerse myself in the project again.  But I was happy with the work I did. And the feeling of a job well done is still one of the most luscious feelings in my life. I felt bad for all my uncharitable thoughts related to the family. Sure they are difficult but they are all I have. I didn't realise how much of this experience was buffered by Ma. But one has to own up and show up. If I have to see things from their perspective, it's not like they won the family member lottery with me. I am sure they would like someone more amiable and cheerful in company.  Dear God, give me the strength and peace and hormones necessary for coexistence.  

 George Orwell's Animal Farm on a campus - in a kinda, sorta, slightly stretched sort of way. 'Dear White People' is about racism in an elite Ivy League college, Winchester, that does the token lip-service to diversity, inclusion, pluralism, etc. It centers around a radio show called 'Dear White People' hosted by Samantha White. Sam, as she's called. is a biracial college student who calls out the intrinsic bias of her college mates by explaining acceptable and non-acceptable behavior towards Blacks. We see her journey navigating this petridish of prejudice with her friends, through her conflict of belittle entitled white male yet getting really close to one of them, not extending the same 'sisterhood' to her friend Colandrea for making decisions different from hers, and other teenage angst - the sort that comes from being 'woke'. But can any movement or ideology be completely inoculated against power dynamics amongst its own believers?  No. So w...

 I had planned to finish work today and yet again it didn't happen. It's beginning to feel chronic. It's quite difficult to get some of my father's medicines. Went to 4 medical shops here today and managed to get 40 percent of his prescription. I think I am losing a lot of energy feeling resentful. If I need anything stocked in the house, I have to do it. If my father's medicines are going out of stock, I have to arrange for it. If I want coffee, then I must get the coffee powder, the sugar and milk...and make it myself. Because I can see my cook getting overworked, I wash the dishes sometimes and make her toast and chai. I really feel as if my brother doesn't do anything. And it's not as if I have anything less to do with managing Bandra. It's one thing to have to take care of everything when you are by yourself. And quite another when you are living with someone and still somehow it is ALWAYS your responsibility. This is what sucks my energy. If you do...

 I reached Vashi and I didn't think I would make it in time. After 7 Ola cabs had cancelled because they wouldn't accept Ola money, I finally got one. He was a young chipper who made such a face when I sat in and unpacked a phirni to eat it. I asked him if he had a problem if I ate in his cab. He asked me if I could do it without pulling down my mask. Sheesh! These millennials and their sarcasm. Anyway, I dropped the phirni when I got out of the cab and it was a small devastation in my already weary heart. But seeing gorgeous large guavas on our tree helped along the healing process. This shuttling between Bandra and Vashi is getting so hassling. I hate packing and unpacking and leaving things here and searching for stuff there. I really need a personal assistant. Someone to go and pick up stuff from the laundry, organize my cupboards, tackle groceries, manage my calendar, scout for good tailors, print and scan invoices, set up meetings, etc. I expend way too much precious ener...

 1. It was cloudy - lush and peaceful and the turmeric yellowness of some flowers spilled out like a teenager's secrets in a chat room. It was gorgeous. 2. Buying fruits and veggies at the Hill Road bazaar with V. It is such a joyful, delightful place. I didn't go to the fish market today. (I don't eat fish anymore but I love fish markets) and I bought a ton of stuff. V was quite patient. I had expected him to crib and complain because he doesn't like the heat. I love it though. The sun is our friend and summer is life. Anyway, he was surprisingly easy at the market. He did get all difficult once we reached home but well...one puts up with some behavior if they introduce you to fresh fruit and vegetable-sellers and are kind enough to manage the cash for you in a crowded bazaar. 3. My FAVORITE part of today was walking up the slope of my friend's building after maybe 20 years. 20 years. A lifetime ago. No. A life ago. The building is broken down now. As I walked up, ...

The fatigue is not because there's a lot. But because there's a lot of the same stuff, there's a lot of uncertainty, there's a lot of expectation, etc. etc. Anyway, looks like work is going to be picking up soon in this gorgeous setting of lockdown/ no-lockdown game. Important to get back to basics. May as well keep a list handy of what to focus on: 1. Keep expectations minimal. 2. Make a to-do list the night before. 3. Focus on strengthening focus. 4. Rest with eyes closed. Netflix is not rest. 5. Meditate without agenda...not peace or nirvana or whatever. Meditate to just hang out with who matters. 6. Talk to as few people as possible. 7. Begin the day early, preferably before the cleaning help comes in.  8. Work on point number 1. Rigorously.

 It's all feeling quite meaningless. I am a little hazy about the story of Sisiphus (is that how you spell his name?) That Greek myth of this king Sisiphus who is cursed to roll up a huge rock up the mountain only for it to roll back down. And this goes on for all eternity.  It's late and I am tired so I will make a quick list of some good stuff that happened today. 1. Formally got out of a project. It felt like the right thing to do because it felt hard. Someday maybe I will write about this experience of one of my worthy failures in a Pune project. But it's one that taught me that sometimes your own passion for a project could be hurting it badly. Anyway, goodbyes were said, done and dusted. It's out. 2. Worked on a short assignment today and it went well. 3. The soundtrack of Dear White People is so good! I have never liked rap or house or trance (I realise they are all different genres but I don't quite follow anything with men in large cars, thick goldchains, r...

 There is a certain category of light, fluffy, feel-good sentimental films or videos that you can watch when tending to an ailing parent or waiting for a couple of hours for a late-night call. It can't be too light and insubstantial to make you feel like you've wasted your life. It can't be so heavy that it requires anguished involvement.  'Champions' hits that Goldilocks spot.  It is the story of two brothers who barely keep a run-down gym afloat in New York. One brother had a promising past as a footballer but life happened. His extremely good-looking but undouchebag brother was too slow to graduate high-school and has a deep, unsettling attachment with his older brother. One day, these guys find out that the older brother had a son  15-years ago with an Indian woman (Mindy Kaling) in college. The off-spring is a 15-year old gay boy who grew up in Cleveland ('mistake by lake' as the city is referred to in the series) and has aspirations to write a musical ...

 I am sufficiently deluded and self-centred to always be happy on my birthday. Maybe it is my fascination with death and ghosts and traversing the years to get to the final milestone and beyond is extremely appealing. I also like to think that my existence has touched and gladdened the lives of many. I have emails from several clients and other communications from friends and help of yore that contradict said assumption. But they don't matter. My brother got me a pale pink kurta that's really pretty. I wanted to wear it today but the only place I was going to today was the diagnostic center to get a COVID test done. So this will have to wait. R got me a cake (Appa means big sister in Oriya) and made me a vegan tiramisu without rum. There were flowers. Someone else sent me flowers and a cake with a card that read, "May your year be as fresh as your smile, your Anonymous Wellwisher". I don't know who that is but if it's my sparkling smile they have registered, i...

Dad has Covid. Work has stalled. Invoices are stuck. I can't be in Bandra. In a strange turn of events, I find myself in a large house without a room of my own. Conference calls behind the kitchen. And my birthday tomorrow. Dear Universe, last year it was complete lockdown for my glorious birth anniversary where the only thing available in the market was spinach and potatoes. And this year, there is this smorgasbord of constraints. That's cool, dear Universe. This video-game level weirdness every April 3rd will be our thing then. 

 The day began with my heart and stomach in a churn. I was very angry. And I am very angry now. Anyway, I may as well list a few nice things - or if not nice, then things that did not make me want to torch the world. 1. The trip from Vashi to Bandra took only 35 minutes in the morning by Ola. This was around 6:30 a.m. The sun was rising and the world was quiet. There was no traffic and that new bridge that gets you into Bandra was like a smooth gulp of fine martini. There is a point where you are on top of that BKC bridge and you the tiny harp-like silhouette of the Bandra-Worli sea-link. You feel that there is such a large distance to traverse but there are connecting lines to help you through...and it's a good-looking journey, if nothing else. 2. I met V. That is always a lot of joy. Rather, it is usually a lot of joy. Matter of time before I get pissed with him as well. But he did get me phirni and lassi. I love phirni. That puts me in a sweet, benevolent mood. Of course, why he...