I am typing out this series because I have to work on an email but it's not coming easy.
I am also trying to process (or shut out) a snarky comment from a client to get a schedule to start work for her. I don't blame her. She has been patient with me. But things have not fallen into place so far. One lives in hope.
Okay, so the first bit of stuff to get off the top of my head - I was sitting by my window early today morning. It was beautiful and cloudy. I could hear koyals and some other bird that sounded like a thrush. I saw two parrots flying about. They sat on one part of a wire. Then they were hopping to the other side when one of them seemed to realize that they had wings. So they took off to the other side. The mornings are filled with so much birdsong that the crows are actually the quietest. Who knew? I see them sitting around, pontificating here and there. I never thought I would say this but I miss the cawing of crows. It reminds me of a simpler, more normal time.
R had gone off to the market to buy some veggies. I was supposed to go too but I stayed back to finish the first draft of the email that I have to revise. There's another little morselled piece of work that I need to get through. Tomorrow maybe.
Okay. I will end this here for now. Will resume later.
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I finished the second email draft.
While typing, procrastinating, and getting back to work, I realised just what is at the core of the pain and despair I feel. I will just articulate and accept it straight up now: I want my mother back.
That's it. And I don't think it's impossible either. Death is no reason why two people should actually be apart. I mean life hasn't proven to be a strong reason for people to be together. I want my mother back. All that meditation and journaling and working and giving up working and leaving home and returning home... nothing has helped. I want her back. It's that simple. I don't know why I fought that for so long. Maybe J is right that I always fight something when it's simple. Maybe. But I have clarity now. I would like to be with my mother.
Just have to work out a plan. If I reject everything that is accepted and knowable about the current world, it should be okay.
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Some pretty pictures of a world that does seem to breathe out poems.
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