Chiffonesque

I had a superb lunch with a dear, dear friend of mine. We used to work together in Pune and also go for walks up a small little hill early in the mornings. We even did that trek when it was pouring one day... pouring like crazy! The hills in Pune, especially Baner where I stayed, were so gorgeous during the rain. That month that I spent with her (before she took up another job, got married, and moved cities) was possibly the most wholesome month in my adult life. Anyway, we went to the Tibetan place again and this time I had LaPhing in the dry variation, which was tastier than the soupy version. We also got Phengshe, a dish with glass noodles and we had Mountain Dew. Then we went for coffee to Starbucks. It was a perfect afternoon. Then I had to stay back and work in office until 2 am. I was chatting with a friend from Bombay that late in the night and it felt good. Anyway, I have some recommendations from my friends. I intend to seriously go through each of their recommendati...

Last night I had gone to the Kali temple for the Amavasya puja. I had also gone to pray for my mum. Earlier the priest had told me that I could give the material for the puja to him and that could be offered during the prayers. I have been a little wary of involving a priest to establish any sort of connection with my mom. But it was Ma Kali and mummy and I have a tiny secret related to her. Or not so much a secret, just a mother-daughter thing. When I was a child, I remember seeing the first Kali murti, I think it was in a temple in Bombay, and being very pleased with it. That she could be my friend. The fact that the version I saw was the fierce manifestation of a dark goddess and all that didn't somehow feel real. I felt that she looked all enthusiastic about something and would like you to participate. Who wouldn't like that? Then I don't think I visited a Kali temple for a long, long time. Then, in Pune, I was somehow very drawn to her. It was quite sudden. I s...

Will make this quick. Some places that I tried out: 1. Tibetan Mother's Kitchen that serves LaPhing (for only 40 bucks) and tingmo (the Tibetan bread). So this joint I intend to be a regular at. 2. Grameen for Indian food, especially their tadka daal and chapati. Have heard good things about their bajra khichdi with jaggery. 3. Some kind of salted chips that has Varun Dhavan's face on it 4. Kombucha at Good Earth cafe. Even their pastries.

Yesterday I spoke to two people. To one person, I said that I was feeling a little adrift in Bangalore with regards to work and life. But it's a good feeling. To another person, I listened to how Bangalore had anchored him and helped him build a fresh new world. And that's a good feeling. Both points seem to be on some kind of continuum. How moving away to build something we call home is, in so many ways, returning to a world that was familiar and forgotten.

It is soothing to be in traffic sometimes. There's a sweet communion of people one will never meet. Or will keep meeting if they travel the same way everyday. When people commute in a city, they build a cocoon so efficiently - their books, their music, their calls, their social media,  their videos, the shut-eye, the chanting, the humming, the knitting, etc. In that teensy flimsy cocoons, something is getting built. This something will emerge when the traffic has been crossed and the destination has been reached. Traffic can really feel like a sorbet in between a rushed morning and a crazed rest of the day.

It was a good enough day. Puppy adoption event at Koramangala and a visit to a local park with happy trees!

Went to Blue Tokai with a friend today. It was really nice. Blue Tokai roast and grind their own coffee beans (and there are lots of varieties) but their cafe is really pretty too. It's in Koramangala 8th Block. It has a very cute open air spot and a warm, cost indoor space. Inside though, what really cheered my heart, was a denim boutique (Blue Tokai's own brand, I guess) where they custom make denims! Customized denims! I saw a couple of really sharp looking blazers in a dark wash and some really nice shorts. There were a couple of knee-length skirts that looked chic too! I have been wanting a good shorts and jacket set. Will find out about it sometime next week. Now the food. My friend and I both tried their pour-over coffees in medium and dark roasts that were good. I had a Kombucha ad well that was light, sweet and refreshing. Then for the main course, we had a Buddha bowl each. Mine was a vegetarian bowl that came with rice, a creamy buttery sauce, greens and a b...

A long time ago, when I had started the blog, I was fairly regular and I would write about specific topics. There was a period of time when I got a lot of emails from people who told me that they were reading me as they grieved for a parent who had passed away. I was, of course, very moved and curious about that. Today, ironically, I look through my archives and try to search out what I had written to help people through a situation that I am going through. Now I see that the readership of this blog has quadrupled since the last three or four months. So I don't know why anyone is reading me now. I know why I am writing, though. Maybe that bears repetition. To no-one in particular, but to me especially. I am usually a self-centered person and I quite like it. I know a version of me that is so fascinating that, at times, I wonder why it's such a bad thing to be 'full of yourself'. It's a good thing, I think. However, there is thankfully also part of me that has s...

Thursday ended. Sushi at Broadway, a restaurant at HSR was good.  The road in front of Forum after rains is a special kind of weird. The weather in this city is so luscious.

Was listening to the sweet, low, languid song Behroopiya from Bombay Velvet: https://youtu.be/Sb2CP0IHQno. I really loved that movie. I don't know why it didn't fare well. I loved that jazz age era that it captures, the costumes, and all the broad and tiny ways it reminds me of Salman Rushdie's novels: Moor's Last Sigh and Ground Beneath her Feet. In a cab now. Won't write more .

Before she passed on, Ma had been in the hospital a few times before. Once especially she had fallen really ill. I was in Bangalore at the time. But my brother texted me to come back soon because Mom didn't look good. I always thought that my brother anyway gets upset about every small thing so I waited for my father's message. That month I had planned to go to Benares with a friend. My father didn't call. So I called him. My father told me that if possible, could I cancel my trip and come down to Bombay instead?  Of course I could and I did. My brother was very distraught. My father was soldiering on. I was not very worried but all the nervousness of the hospital got to me. Like everyone else, I would visit my mum in the ICU. Mostly to sit by her side as she lay asleep.  I would hum this hymn (my absolute favorite from school), 'I surrender all' -  (https://youtu.be/7x2IpLSfqp8). Mom would sometimes tighten her grip as I hummed. Sometimes she would ...

Today was fairly shitty but I suppose it could have gone worse. It was really good to talk to my father and brother. Looking forward to going home soon. I feel that my parents shielded me from so much. I suppose I always knew that but now, without my mother, it's getting clearer and clearer. Mostly I suppose it was the men in this country. It's just past midnight. So many times, I called Mum at this time to generally call her and talk about a ride remark or a hurt comment or stuff like that. She would always always answer. I suppose I got this trait of staying up late from her. My mom always felt that if she weren't around, people would take advantage of me because I couldn't say no. Slowly I thought I had given her the confidence that I could handle stuff on my own. Now I suppose I can. But today, speaking to my mom would have helped. A lot. And today, yet again for the sake of Ma, I am trying to keep my heart open. Whenever I used to get into fights and argumen...

Woke up really, really missing my mother. Had a fight with a friend who had stayed over. I was just so angry. But in such cases, nowadays, I think of what my mother would have said or done. She would have told me to keep my heart open and give a benefit of the doubt - since several people have done the same for me.  Then had a couple of calls for work - it is so frustrating. Iterations are the most frustrating things ever. I am going to take a break from work very soon - before the year has ended. I don't care how I live - although I live well. What the fuck is this? Why doesn't anyone in this country take responsibility for clarity of what they want? I don't get it. I mean what is the grand purpose of scope document and design guidelines and project schedule and unending calls of 'we want this ASAP'? What does all that shit mean? It may be more scientific to just get work based on your horoscope then. It is as 'scientific' or 'ridiculous' as...

So, things have been a bit funky yesterday. Almost lost my cool twice - came very close but did not. Watched 'Once upon a time in Hollywood' - it's a macabre carnival, and I find it to be Tarantino's best film after Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill. I didn't care much for Reservoir Dogs or Inglorious Bastards and I haven't watched Django Unchained. Leonardo is such a good actor that, for the first time, I realized what a friend had once told me - that he seldom plays different parts. He's always a man pushed to the brink of something, a man-child who destiny cradles at the end. For someone who could has pretty much played the same beats over and over, his is still the face you want to see a permanent smile on.  I have never liked Brad Pitt too much but he is really fine in this film. In fact, I found him to the finest actor in this film - and that's no feat considering the cast. Then, of course, there is the soundtrack - which makes all Tarantino film...

The day suddenly got difficult and hard. Feeling nervous and a little scared tonight. Will pray. But a little about today. It was a weird day. I had a funny dream in the afternoon and woke up but couldn't get up to have a bath. I took a cab to work. The cab driver looked like he was only 12 years old. I asked him how old he was. He started the trip and said 53 minutes. Oh well. I am feeling very very lost in Bangalore. I can't read maps and I don't understand directions. So I can't book a share a cab or Quikr because I don't understand what direction to go in. I tried to learn though. I tried to understand the various parts of Bangalore but I can't. I wish my father was here. He could explain maps to me. Every time I open Google map and look, I only see a tiny tree that indicates that there is a forest nearby. But I can never find the forest or locate my place. But I really like that tree icon. Sometimes when I am stuck in traffic on the Electro...

Today has been a dull, emotionally exhausting day. I couldn't sleep too well last night. I had some bad dreams. Then a friend lost his cool with me. I mean...by this point...the number of stuck people who go on tirades about 'moving on' is not even funny. Sometimes I feel like I am not even meeting new people. I am meeting some variation of the same short-fused characters I have known all my life. Everything is being brought up like bits of half-chewed scraps of experiences. Anyway, my rather proficient and extensive experience with anger has taught me that angry people seldom have a problem with anything outside of them. So, that's that. But anger does tire me out. So I went out and had rasam and rice. It was really tasty. Then I went to the parlor to get waxed. I think I will wear something pretty tomorrow. Then I went to get some groceries. So much of what I bought does not serve me at this point in time. I have bought stuff as if I were a person with a fully fun...

It was a cold ride to an unknown place, I took a winding, broken road, Wet and gravelly around purple ponds, And I suitably inured. It was a friend's beautiful home With four Persian cats no less, Amidst those pretty felines Was me sweating in duress. Sometimes people say some things And you feel the building up of walls And sometimes you say stuff back Petty Chronicles of your falls At some point there were copper cups With coffee served all hot At some point there was a sadness Or maybe, just a joy that was not A home exhales such memories Of times when the heart didn't win But with the peaceful purring of the cats You know the sunrise will peep in.

Phone is almost out of charge. Wore my dark blue jeggings and a tight, grey tee. Liked how it fit. I find that just sleeping on the floor, without even doing any work out, actually helps in keeping a little bit in shape. I guess it's because everytime you sit down or lie down and get up, you get a little bit of a push-up. Ate a very funny tasting veg sandwich at 91 Springboard. I think I burned more calories chewing and digesting it. There was no butter or anything. I wanted some. The lady who had made the sandwich looked perplexed. I don't think people ask her for butter anymore. Going by the amount of green tea satchets in this place, it doesn't seem to have the kind of crowd that would want their bread buttered.

He waited until the cook had finished garnishing the last plate of noodles. She was craninh her neck to see if her order was done- noodles garnished with burnt garlic. After the cook had finished, our man heaped the plate with the hot street Chinese fare and sat down on the road. She sat on the tiny white stool on the road. Their eyes shone - much like the moon in the sky. They looked at each other. Then they laughed at the crazy designs on the food truck. She made mental notes of replicating the trippy forest on one of the walls. He reminded himself of bringing home the paints for her. Meanwhile on the opposite side of the road, a child almost finished his tiffin. There were a few half-chewn chunks of bananas. He wasn't going to have them now. "Go throw it in that dumpster," her mother said. "There?", the child asked - not wanting to go near the rusty, old gaping wound of a scrap vehicle. But she ran and emptied her tiffin there. It stank - that pl...

Today I had booked a massage from Urban Clap. It was really, really good! I am not sure if it was Swedish, but whatever it was, felt great. There was a way when she massaged the top of my head and the back of my neck at the same time. That felt so brilliant. Got some rice, daal, and soya chunks from Nilgiri. Will make a mixed rice in the cooker one of these days. I have been trying to reach a co-working space in Bangalore since forever today. Even the ones that claim to work 24/7 don't attend to calls today. That's so dumb. In Bombay, it had taken me 30 minutes to find a place, book it, reach it and start working. On a Sunday evening, that too. That was 91Spribgboards. They have a branch here as well and they have been as responsive as a torch without battery. This is really irritating me now. I plan to pitch for a new project tomorrow. Fingers crossed. Most likely I will get it. I just don't feel like meeting people anymore. Had thought that maybe this time in Ban...

I was thinking of writing down a list of things that made me happy but it reminded me of the last paragraph of Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath and David Foster Wallace's speech, "This is water." Both very powerful speeches but both these people killed themselves. So I think I should ease up on all this gratitude and positive stuff. At times it feels like the dry bits of shit squeezed out from a constipated heart. So today it was a bummer. Had a fight with two people. Bad ones. Since the last few days, I really have been trying to be kind. But then today I sensed that kindness was not silence. Some things had to be said.  Anyway, the anger is creeping out. It's getting more palpable. Something has to be done about this. Have come for a movie now to this mall, Vega City mall in Banerghatta. The H&M sale is so awesome! It's better than the one in Whitefield. There are silk and linen tops is rich shades of Brandy, chocolate, taupe, and ivory. Really chic. The...

Things I am grateful for: 1. Spoke with some of my sweet, close friends. 2. Played Fruit Ninja. 3. Had a really bad dream. But woke up from the bad dream. 4. Ate rice and enjoyed a good cup of tea at Sanjeevani. 5. Dad and brother are okay. 6. Nice, cold weather here. 7. Watched Friends. 8. There was point during an office call when I missed my mother a lot. A lot. I really felt like poking a fork or stabbing my thigh with a sharp object to see if physical pain makes this other kind of grief go away. But I didn't do that. I took my mom's picture our of my wallet and sniled. Genuinely. She can and still does make me happy. 9. The DTDC man who came to deliver my landlord's credit card had a lovely ringtone. I asked him what it was. He said it was from a Telugu movie. It was very delightful. 10. I wrote today. So I guess I lived today.

Pretty much worked all night. Had a very vivid dream about my mum when I took a mid-morning nap. For a minute after I woke up, I was disoriented. I reached for my phone to call Mom and sensed that something was wrong about that act. Went to Third Waves Coffee Roasters to work because there was no electricity at home. Met my friend in the evening. We walked back to her pretty place. It was a lovely evening - cool and chilly. I had hot water. We chatted. Returned home. Am having some hot water now. Dear Universe, Please note that I am trying very hard to be on this 'moving on' program. Do try and make it easier for me to get through the day.

Am feeling nauseous. Have a lot of work. Finished a chunk of it. Have to work through the night now. Feeling sick though. Hope to get through it by sipping hot water.

Indigo notes in a purple sky That's what daybreak looked like today And plasticky blue at the petrol pump When I saw a stranger look away. At dinner then, I noticed a girl In a lace cutout dress in Arctic glaze And periwinkle flints on a hanky That I burned on a whim, in a haze. Agate is the shade of lostliness That enters an empty home and invades Today I could bear one more day Because I saw blue in all its shades.

Returning to Bangalore on the day Article 370 has been repealed. Really tight security at the airport. Forgot Ma's photograph. Carrying a copy of her death certificate. Two weeks ago, I lived in a different world.

Really tired today. A quick low-down of the stuff I have enjoyed. 1. Lion king. Rather the experience of going for the 3D version of Lion King with my father and brother after mummy's...(I can't bring myself to write the D word yet.) It's the first time ever in life. My father and I were not too impressed by the story. My brother however seemed to like it a lot. 2. Get Out on Netflix. What a marvelous movie! And that man - the black guy! He is so so handsome and what a performance! When he gets hypnotized for the very first time... that's just stellar. 3. Bridesmaids on Netflix. I really liked it. I didn't find it as funny as what the reviews had made it out to be. But there was a scene that really moved me. This lady is in a casual relationship with a man who doesn't treat her well. She's losing her best friend to another lady in high society. Her job is in shambles, etc. She carries the burden of a failed bakery business. Her ex left her when the bu...

Things I am grateful for today: 1. A burgundy and gold leaf kurta that I wore. It was nice. 2. Found my nose ring. 3. Walked out into the rain. It pittered and pattered and puddled all along the road. And it always looks like an awesome opening scene of a movie. 4. Had a really good cup of hot chocolate at the Mystic Mama cafe. 5. Came across a book called Devi by Ramesh Menon. It is an abridged version of the Devi purana. It looked interesting. Want to get that. 6. Liked the ajwain paratha and tandoori gobhi that I ate. 7. Finished the work I had to wrap up for today. 8. Had a massage. 9. Clicked a really nice picture of a table outside the cafe. I love the look of the picture. It looks as if there's a couple in another dimension having a conversation while the mountain goat, lost from a parallel world, looks on. 10. Spoke to a friend who has written a lot of books. Felt so good!

Things I am grateful for today: 1. Had chhole and rice. So tasty! I love chhole chaawal with some chopped onions, green chillies slit and salted, and lemons on the side. 2. Had water in the taps. 3. Spoke to three of my friends after so long! It felt so good! Really...it was beautiful. I think when you talk to a close friend from long ago who you've not been in touch with, you just feel rainbow hearts forming around you. 4. Wore a new skirt and top today. The skirt was this slightly dull indigo print with rust trimming. And the top was a teal halter top with mirror-work. It looked nice. 5. Did a little stretching today. One round of the chandranamaskara. I don't really get the space at home to do my yoga. Even though it's a big house. Anyway, it's a start. 6. It rained today and it sounded soft and mellifluous. The sounds of your favorite people in a different room when you're taking a nap. 7. Finished a little bit of work. Have to finish one whole ot...

Today was difficult. I didn't so much think of mummy other than feel her Tangled in a knot of slow, dull ache in my chest and stomach. After I finished working on a document, I took a nap. It was disturbed. I woke up feeling heavy. Really heavy blanketed in a from kind of sloth. I wrote my journal and prayed a little. It helped a little but not much. So I took an old coaster that had some kind of design on it and sketched it. This really helped. Shifted the pain to another level, I think. I cried and I felt lighter. I had this vision of my mother. She has become really tiny - the size of my thumbnail. I pick her up and tuck her inside one of the creases or folds of my heart. She melts. Then all the shards of pain that seem to be lying around like debris - all of them get together to form this ship. In the partial melted form, she sets sail and goes cruising along inside me. Finally, when she has completely melted, this ship comes to the center of my heart where it tips i...

Things I am grateful for today: 1. Enjoyed my cab ride to Andheri East. 2. Finished another assignment. 3. Really enjoyed the spicy masala rice with potatoes and capsicum. 4. Spoke to a couple of my friends at work. Had milk with a really sweet, gentle, and wise person. 5. Dad and brother are fine. 6. There was traffic but this city looked so beautiful! I returned by auto. On the way, I saw so many pretty things: - A little girl wearing a pale blue dress with pink umbrellas printed all over it. She was combing her pet pug. - A dilapidated house with bright pink walls. It had no roof and was in between two small tinny shops. Against the backdrop of the grey sky and pop-green trees, this house really stood out. - At another signal, I saw a thin man with a cart with lots of knives. Each knife had a handle in a different color. He was sharpening each knife with so much artistry. He would do a little, then look at the blade from all angles, then stroke it, and then sharpe...