Today was difficult. I didn't so much think of mummy other than feel her Tangled in a knot of slow, dull ache in my chest and stomach. After I finished working on a document, I took a nap. It was disturbed. I woke up feeling heavy. Really heavy blanketed in a from kind of sloth. I wrote my journal and prayed a little. It helped a little but not much. So I took an old coaster that had some kind of design on it and sketched it.
This really helped. Shifted the pain to another level, I think. I cried and I felt lighter.
I had this vision of my mother. She has become really tiny - the size of my thumbnail. I pick her up and tuck her inside one of the creases or folds of my heart. She melts. Then all the shards of pain that seem to be lying around like debris - all of them get together to form this ship. In the partial melted form, she sets sail and goes cruising along inside me. Finally, when she has completely melted, this ship comes to the center of my heart where it tips into a small hollow. Mom is a beautiful, pool of golden liquid with flecks of iridescence.
Now my mom is a lake inside my heart.
Comments
I have been reading you for years! I absolutely love your way with words, I think I have said it somewhere before as well. My absolute favorite posts are where you tell about what you ate and then I am left craving for dal, rice and ghee :)
I am really sorry for your loss. I just cannot fathom what you are going through, and everytime I read a post from you these days, I am left with a dull heartache that lasts for a while. I would let it be, but I just had to write in. This is so much more of a mail than a comment, but I just wanted to send all possible positive vibes, and wishes, and hugs and whatever makes you feel even slightly better, because it cannot be easy.
Your mom is a whole ocean inside your heart.
Vinita