Chiffonesque

Some things that I observed today: 1. When you wear a short skirt and bend down to pick up something, you instinctively do a partial eagle (garudasana) pose. 2. Having black coffee in a transparent glass cup is not as good as having the same coffee in a ceramic cup. I think cupping the 'cup', so to speak, instead of holding it by the handle makes a difference. 3. This thought came to mind after watching an interview of the girls who feature in 'Four Shots Please'. Is it possible to show a sisterhood, girl-bonding, women's liberation, etc. in a setting other than Mumbai, keeping out characters who work in media, and without tequila? Why tequila? Always why tequila? 4. This is an observation from last night. Not today. Will still do it today. I order food late at night. And that is not a good idea because sometimes the food is stale. I ordered Gobhi noodles last night and it was stinking a little bit. I think I should really do some kind of arrangement for di...

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A friend is looking for a job. She mentioned something about companies having a strong HR in a company. She said that when they're there, things go imperceptibly smoothly. When they aren't, the company just puts you off. She was so sure about this one thing. Interesting. I worked long hours today but finished only 1 piece of work. Never mind. Tomorrow is another lovely day.

The Burrito Lesson Nowadays, I order food from outside. Usually I try to eat less but some days, when I am feeling particularly stressed, I tend to order more food. One sub-conscious reason for stress, possibly, is that I come home late from work but there's no kitchen set up yet. So I feel like I am starving. I am not. Anyway, I ordered a rice with Peri Peri potatoes as well as a crispy mushroom Burrito from Burrito bowl. Either one would be fine. But I got greedy and ordered both. Then around 3, I had the rice bowl which was good. I wasn't even hungry then but still. That was okay. I also felt that I shouldn't have ordered the other burrito. Since it's expensive, I thought I would save it for next day. But I don't have a refrigerator yet so it would spoil. And it was getting soggy by the minute. I tried to sit and finish the other thing as well. It made me unwell just looking at it. So I did what I have actually not done in many many months. I thre...

Mom's health is neither too good nor too bad. But I do believe that she will get better. This morning, I woke up to an article that felt like a punch in the gut. Michael Jackson, sexual abuse, and stories of the survivors: https://www.rollingstone.com/movies/movie-features/leaving-neverland-michael-jackson-doc-sundance-784801/ I really want to watch this documentary when I can. I want to know about the parents. There was a movie called 'Love Sonia' which is based on a real life story. It is a brilliant movie and the girl who have acted in this are so tender and strong. In this movie too, parents sell their child. Not that the kids are sold to MJ. But the documentary points to financial compromise of some sort. Anyway, I have left my charger at work. Phone's going out of charge so this is all I can write today.

This morning I was watching something on the phone and it slipped from my hand, hit my lips, and I bled a little. Washed all my clothes. Not feeling very good. Mom is not well. But she will be better tomorrow I expect. Planning to wear my sweet, pink sweater dress tomorrow. Or maybe the frayed denim skirt. Need respite and a good cup of hot, sweet black coffee.

Today was a mixed bag. Last night I stayed over at a friend's place after attending a music fest at IIM Bangalore. Then came back home and went to collect my laptop. I felt a little sad because I was missing out on all the good movies. At times, I feel a little sad because I wonder why am I staying away from my mum, what am I trying to prove, etc. Then I remember why I started doing what I am doing. Because I had earlier started feeling the stench of failure on people who traded off the need to have mastery over something for certainty of income, relationship, or the fact that they could stay with their parents. I started living the way I do because I had started sensing the rot in myself. Some days you have to remember why you started. Anyway, I later went to a place called Atta Galaata. It's a very charming bookstore with a cafe. They have these events where you can tell a story about something, etc. I met a friend and then we went to Whitefield. I went there fo...

Gave my laptop for repair. Ate pongal and vada today. Two plates. Less salt but chutney was tasty. Spoke to Mom. She sounded so cheery. Always, always feels good. Headed out.

An ordinary kind of ordinary day. Yes, I do think there is such a thing. So I will make a quick list of things that happened: 1. I got myself a black coffee with hazelnut flavor from Mac Donald's. That is making me pretty happy right now. I really like this combination. Strong, slightly nutty, and just so slightly sweet. 2. Finished some work. 3. Comp is broken. Heart is in my mouth. I really need to locate a repair shop and get it repaired. When I noticed it, tears welled up. 4. Need to finish something and send it tomorrow morning for sure because I need to give this computer for repair. 5. This weekend, I need 8 hours to just spend with myself and really just breathe. Properly. 6. Felt various shades of rage and then relief. 7. Did not eat anything the whole day because I was full from eating late night Maggi yesterday. I was happy that there are places that deliver 24 by 7 in Electronic City. 8. I think in February, I intend to get very serious about my sl...

Desultory. That's the word of the day. Desultory. The day began really early with a frantic call from a friend whose house I had gone to last night. I mistakenly came back with her house key. And since finding my own house keys is such a fun game, one can imagine what finding her house key that early in the morning without coffee felt like. Then there was an early morning call. Which I had trouble joining in for and then I could. Except that I joined in the middle and I had no context why something was being said and why.  Then I felt a kind of exhaustion that I can imagine bears feel just before they hibernate. And we are still talking about 9 a.m.in the morning.  Anyway, a full, heavy day today and it's still not over. Still, I felt that this day was desultory because it felt haphazard. But I came across this YouTuber (Channel called The Wads) who I took a shine too. I saw the video where she goes shopping for hangers in TJ Maxx and Target. I really l...

Today I ate a mushroom burrito from California Burrito. It was so large, thick, and tasty. For dinner, my friend and I had gone to this place called Elaichi Restaurant. The food is so tasty! We had noodles, a button mushroom starter that was only sauteed in salt, pepper and butter. It was amazing! I walked home today listening to music. My goal was to reach home within the span of 2 songs. It took 3 songs - Daryaa from Manmarziyaan, Nazm Nazm from Bareilly ki barfi, and the first part of Tareefaan from Veere di wedding. Today, this happened. There is a What's App group of the book club that I am part of. Someone shared a video on the group on Sadhguru's views on the Sabarimala issue. I said something against his views. The administrator of the group said that we should not be discussing anything sensitive or political. The irony is that just before this message, we were discussing Arundhati Roy and the next book to be read is Persepolis. I was a little put off. And I wan...

I have a theory of how to work with Time. I am tired and don't want to write about it now. But will do it soon. Today just out of stubbornness, I decided to take my own time getting ready even though there were lots and lots of little things lined up. I used a lavender shower gel, my soft lavender fluffy towel and took my time sitting in a patch of sunlight. Just. Sipping coffee. Looking around. I would be unspooled soon. But it's practically become a happy little dance by now. I will go now. Light some candles. Make my coffee. Thank the night. Thank the day. They will pass and return soon anyway.

Today I slept in. Woke up around 2 p.m. and then I finished some pending work. I have started writing professional resumes and I really enjoy that. Anyway, after that, I felt really light so I lounged around some more and ordered a ton of food. Believe it or not, I have just discovered  Swiggy. It's super fun to just check out what all is on offer and all that. Anyway, it's close to 11. As I haven't really cleaned the house yet, will do that after an hour. (Feeling stuffed.) Will also wash clothes and then nod off. Let's see how it goes.

Had an eventful day today but am feeling happy and full. 1. Went to play badminton with my friends and also tried to learn basketball. 2. My friends and I inaugurated feasting in my home. We had breakfast on paper plates but black coffee or hot water in pretty ceramic or glass cups. We sat on the floor and had idli, vadas, and Puri bhaji. 3. Really enjoyed the ginger chai I ordered from Swiggy. Came in a really nice thermos made of cardboard, a packet of chips, and a tutti fruity bun. 4. Wore my pretty silk coral top and a warm, soft cottony sweater in moss green with my snakeskin trousers. I liked the look. 5. Watched Glass. I loved it. 6. Went for dinner to Byg Brewski. Had jackfruit and soys chaap biryani. Less salt but good. 7. Went to Tea Villa for a Post-dinner coffee. It is such a charming place! It's so so pretty. English rose print on the walls. Very sweet furniture and an awesome selection of teas. I had a cup of hazelnut coffee that I really enjoyed. It ...

It's a cloud. This notion of time. As real. As fleeting. But today it seemed tired. It rested. The day isn't ending. It lays there. Like a patch of grass.

I journaled in my diary after a long time. Spent a lot of time on phone calls and I got my exhausted. Went to a place called Thalassery for lunch. I don't have the arrangement yet to cook at home and I felt like having rice. Actually, I felt like having moong dal khichadi but I could not find it anywhere close by. Anyway, it was already four o'clock. So I ordered yellow daal and ghee rice. I thought ghee rice would only be rice with ghee but it had raisins and cashews also. I usually do not like that but since I eat after 16 hours of not eating anything, I didn't mind that. It was nice. I liked that the amount of daal was perfect for the amount of rice that was served. Usually something or the other gets left behind. It is around 8:30 in the evening now and I would have liked to be done right about now. Little irritated. Maybe will go for a walk to the neighbouring CCD and get Storm - their energy drink - and have it. This is probably the earliest I have uplo...

I had a meeting today. It was in the Good Earth cafe which is a lovely place but it shuts too soon. They sell Kombuchas there. Would like to try them soon. Ate a mushroom and spinach sandwich that was very tasty. I think they had used multi-grain bread and I tried the toasted variation. Instead of fries, they had given a lettuce salad that was possibly tastier than anything I have had in a long time. I don't like salads but this one was nicely salted and evenly coated with olive oil. Really enjoyed my coffee this morning as I snuggled in my sleeping bag. After my meeting, I headed over to Koshy's because it's a really old coffee house. Jawaharlal Nehru and Queen Elizabeth have had coffee here apparently. It was nice and I really enjoyed the vegetable cutlet and one knob of boiled beetroot they had provided as 'salad'. (This certainly isn't a Good Earth.) Spoke to mum. That's the sweetest voice in the world.

Today is Indian Army Day. Ola informed me of this when I stepped out in the brittle cold of a Bangalore night. I had to take a cab to traverse the short distance from the co-working space to my home. But there were no autos and I couldn't walk because I was feeling lazy. I could not make it for lunch to my friend's home but I ate a lot of food from outside - a pack of chhole and vegetable rice from Faasos, a wrap from Faasos as well. It came with this chilly-garlic powder that was very tasty. I added it to my rice because that was bland. I went to CCD for a cappuccino with vanilla flavour and then at night, I got a Coke, a large fries, a Mexican Bean Salsa veg burder and a McAloo tikki burger from McDonald's. I was planning to skip dinner but that is okay. I will work out extra tomorrow and revert to sparse eating tomorrow. Today was one of those days where I had to attend meeting, finish one task, attend another call, and then had to tackle a large hunk of work. I...

I had a beautiful start to the day. My candle had burned steadily through the night and it went off just around dawn. I made a cup of coffee and prayed for a little bit. Mopped the house. Put out the trash, did push-ups, and  got ready to step out to the office, my co-working space that I work out of. Things were going swell. And then I let people irritate me. One phone call, one email, and one set of What's App message later, I was almost ready to bust a blood vessel. In fact, one of them had irritated me souch that I am still trying to rinse out of my system. The day when THAT doesn't happen will be beautiful. Anyway am home now. Tomorrow is Sankranti. It's a holiday for the non-freelancers here and a couple of pals are having a major cookout here. They have invited me for lunch. I will take a longish break for lunch and then return to work. I am grateful for this. For friendship and cameradarie that will outlast the burn of mild skirmishes. New day tomor...

Played badminton today. Pooped but exhilarated. Got a really pretty teal sleeping bag from Decathlon. That's going to be my exciting happy bedding. Had a choco-chip muffin and will proceed to have a hazelnut cappuccino. Lit a diya outside my home. Lit a candle inside my room. We unwind now. It's been a tiring day. And a good one.

Today is Saturday. I reached Bangalore in the morning and I am typing this out in the flat that I have taken on rent. It is a one bedroom-hall-kitchen and it is really empty. The bedroom has one cupboard and the balcony is very small - to keep a washing machine maybe. But I like it. It is close to midnight and I came in here to wipe down the place, say hello to it, and all that.  still have to arrange for bedding and other things slowly - one day at a time. But here we are. An unfurnished flat is so beautiful - even for someone who doesn't really have any furniture of her own right now. Would it be convenient to take on a flat with things? I don't think so. My days have been so busy with work and tending to things at home that an empty flat is really feeling like a vacation. This little sliver of peace and quiet. Earlier I used to believe that the more you accomplish, your homes should get bigger and you should generally have more things. But since a few years now, e...

Am leaving Bombay and will go to Bangalore tomorrow. Heart is heavy. But maybe there's a reason that I need to be there. Let's see how all of this pans out.

Tonight, I gave my mother a cup of strawberries and cream blended with a little powdered sugar and wild honey. That shade of pink when the cream gets infused with the strawberry red - I find that colour to be most uplifting. When I was younger, in the early days as a research intern for a law website, my notions of career success were as follows: 1. I would own a personal laptop that I would call Lappie. (Those were early days and one didn't push one's imagination too much.) I would take Lappie to important meetings to fancy offices in Mahim, Colaba, Prabhadevi, and of course, NCPA. Clients would discuss work and I would take notes on Lappie. 2. I would always have money to buy gifts for my parents and take care of the house's electricity bill. 3. I would wear formal clothes and take a cab everywhere. 4. I would always have enough money to have Pepsi in any 5-star hotel in Bombay. 5. I would sit inside a glass cabin of my own office and burn money. Outside my p...

What I enjoyed today: 1. Exclusive time in the meeting room at the co-working space. I was by myself and was sipping my coffee while watching the Graham Norton show. 2. The Graham Norton show. I have zero idea why I didn't watch it earlier. YouTube would keep recommending it but I never watched it until I did. (YouTube is like a parent. I think it knows me better than I do myself.) 3. A good, large hearty dinner. There was rice, roasted moong daal, methi, and tindli. 4. Getting through an excruciating call that prepared me for another call.  5. The outfit I wore today. A thin, white formal shirt wore under a sleeveless black jersey dress. Looked like I was chick and doing something important - like getting coffee and watching the Graham Norton show.

I completed today. Mum is home from hospital. Was frazzled. Am exhausted. Said no to some work. Said please understand to some other work. Said tomorrow, promise! to other work still. Today came with its own stubbornness and its own rough kindness. I completed today. For now, that's enough.

The day has ended now and I am in bed. It was a good day. Mixed bag but mostly good. Went out to a couple of offices. Got one invoice cleared. In the other office, submitted an invoice and heard about someone's beautiful trip to Tashkent. Saw a couple of really nice photos. Waited for a friend while I sipped a jewel toned Raspberry soda. Met a friend. We had a good time. She gifted me a packet of purple yam chips. She dropped me home. We used to go for frozen yogurt in Pune. She is a wonderful dog trainer and a super stylist.  Came home. The cook told me of one summer where she found a lost white pigeon. Rather the white pigeon had found her. It flew in and perched on her shoulder as she cooked. The pigeon would poop on other people's hands or peck them if they approached it. But not my cook. It would flutter around her and hop along the length of her body to wake her up.  One afternoon my cook had fallen asleep. "It felt like death", she descr...

I took a course in mindfulness last year. I think it was towards the end of last year. The jury is out on just how effective it is or will be. But I took it because I felt a little clueless about how to navigate this human existence with a goal of being a half-decent human being. It sometimes feel heart-rippingly tough. Not just because you meet hostile people. But because you may become one of them. With dangerous righteousness. At the core of this teaching, or at the core of any teaching involving the myth and mania of the mind, is the axiom that nothing is external. Therefore, nothing other than your own reaction is ''real" (whatever that might be). So the way out when you feel intensely is to locate it in the body (and it will manifest as pain in the body), isolate it, observe it without judgment or resistance and breathe through it. There are some good meditations in the course regarding it. And I can tell you that it is bloody hard sometimes. Today, I had not an...

I had fever yesterday and also a terrible bodyache. My deep distrust of Big Pharma and allopathic medicines led me to consider alternatives. As far as alternatives go, I turned to pretty clothes. So I wore a pleated skirt in dull gold that my mother had sent me last month. I wore that with a black turtleneck that I had picked up at a sale many moons ago. It was from the brand, "W" and cost under 300 rupees. The skirt, though, is from AND and I don't know how much my mother paid for it. My mother has beautiful taste in everything. Now that she is in hospital, I often wear the clothes that she has bought for me. I think I looked quite nice in that skirt that had accordian pleats and fell with a fluidity in metallic dull gold like a sunset in a very calm lake that was caressed by the wind ever so gently. I love skirts, dresses, ana saris, (or anything with drapes and folds)  for that reason - they convey a sense of poetry and song that the structured silhouettes of pant...

Today was an okay day. I went to the mall for a little while. Thought I would sit in the Starbucks there and do some work. But I felt really lost. More than lost, I felt like I just wanted to leave all that and come back home. I did go to Starbucks though. Sat and had an Americano. I really liked their Pumpkin Spiced latte which they don't serve now. They only serve it during Halloween. I missed the opportunity. They have a toffee crunch flavoured beverage that I find very tepid tasting. I also went to the Kali mandir that I used to frequent so much. When I reached in the afternoon, shutters were down. I still peeped in through the grate to see her. She was all dressed up and seemed so cheery. I went back again in the evening. It was quite a sight! She was resplendent in a deep purple and gold sari. There were soft, pink hibiscus shaped flowers in her hands - they looked like unfurling of some new, young flesh but not in a good grotesque way. It's as if she was fashion...

Yesterday I met a friend. He had come to visit me at the hospital. It was so nice. We went somewhere where we (or rather I) ate cheesy fries and a double-decker chocolate sandwich. The sandwich had two layers and each layer was smeared with chocolate sauce. It also came with a small pan with melted chocolate that one was dunking the sandwiches in and eating. So, that, cheesy fries, and coffee. We then walked at the promenade for a bit. It was nice and fresh. Bombay has become quite cold. Or it was cold yesterday. I felt like I was getting out into the open after ages. Yesterday when I had gone to meet my mother in the ICU, she looked so fed up. She wanted to be in a different ward – somewhere where she could be with people, get more light – just see more. ‘Just seeing more’ seems to be such a basic aspiration – why we travel, why we move homes, why we change jobs.   One of the things that my friend and I talked about was why and how we neither really finished anyt...