Halloween weekend

 Sean Connery passed on.

I was so sick last night. My head was throbbing so badly I actually had to wake my father up late at night or early morning. It was unbearable. 

There was some medical content that I was working on and it seemed to go on endlessly. There was some sweet joy on getting that out of the way.

Was talking to my friend in Bangalore. We go back nearly 18 years. I stayed with her the first time I went to Bangalore. Had left my passport with her for safekeeping. Today I connected with her to ask her to send across my passport. We chatted about this and that. She has really done a lot for me. 

I said that I really can't manage to travel to Bangalore now. Otherwise I would have come to collect it. She said it wasn't required. Then she said that it would be nice to meet again. And I don't know...I told her that I felt that we would never meet again now. And she said that somehow she thought so too. We moved on to watching Netflix.

Then I called up another friend and she was asleep. I said hello to her daughter who is now 16 but who I had met in Pune when she was only 3. Those were really fun times... spending time with my friend and her daughter, Cy, in Pune. I would sometimes pull her leg and say that she was my daughter and not J's. (J is my friend.) And to substantiate my claim, I would tell her that we both had moonshaped faces, we both loved rice, we both loved Bombay, we both liked watching cartoons...I think I even convinced her for a short period of time. It was fun!

A month ago, I got the feeling that I will not live through 2020. Don't know why but I did. Then the next day, I found a swelling and fell sick and now my head is just splitting. It's sickening. It also could be that I watched Haunting of Hill House and Haunting of Bly Manor back to back. And both are such tender tales of the loves of broken people... it's not really horror. 

Then of course I think of Ma. Not sadly. But with a lot of affection and wonder. 

Of course, this is not the first time I thought I was dying. Nearly a decade ago someone predicted that I would die in 6 months. (At the point, I was so exasperated by how flatline my life was. But as soon as he said you only have 6 months, I felt such love for my life... it's funny.) At the time then I read 'The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying' to prepare, so to speak. Reading that book is perhaps the most important investment I have made in my life. It's a gorgeous poetic landscape of our fragile existence. There's a line in there that has stayed with me...that as you approach death, you start seeing all your problems and 'tight, dense' emotions dissolve. It feels like 'untying knots in the sky'. That line fills me with such ease.

Anyway, as we get closer to 2020, it doesn't feel like I will make it. My doctor friend who has no regard for my melliflous poetic goodbyes says it's iron deficiency and I should either take tablets or palak and prunes. Buddhism is not entirely sufficient. It is a little jarring to the narrative in my head, as you can imagine. Doesn't feel 'chiffonesque', if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I watched Identity Thief on Netflix and I loved it so much! Melissa McCarthy is a fabulous gem! I didn't expect to feel so weepy through the film... it's a comedy, after all. But in parts I did. It's really good. 

Oh...and this blog is doing really well. 

Starting your goodbyes... that's the new normal. 😊

Friday

 It has been a sickening day with a really bad, nauseous headache. Lots to finish and there will be a full working weekend. But no matter. We will tackle it.

It's a really bad headache. 

Jhurzhday

 Feel a little heavy-hearted. Heard some news today that suddenly made me remember all the silent hours I had invested in deciding whether it was time to leave a job and then actually type out a resignation letter. I felt bad. It has been a while since I left working in a job but truth be told...I had loved working in companies. The feeling of getting together to work on a project, that little segment in-between projects when a colleague becomes a friend, when you turn up to work on an ordinary day and you get to a project that really makes you come alive...it is beautiful. And you want to do so much.

And then stuff happens and the erosion starts. Your joy, your life, your time,your health, your values. You realise that this machine just needs to be fed incessantly. And it will never be enough. You will never be enough. And then you decide to go away. 

That really is a stab in the gut. That feeling that it's time to end things. 

Anyway, that is that. 

I didn't get as much work done today. It was so exhausting. Maybe I should get a few hours in now? No. The day has ended.

Will chill for some time and sleep off. Feeling sad. 

Wednesday passes by

 It is quite astonishing just how choked for time I have been but still managed to go to the doctor, have some coffee with my friend, talk to her new trio of goldfish, and finish up something...while also tackling a tough issue with SBI. It really drained me out.

Anyway, I only have two to three hours of rest before I am up and at it again. The key is to calm down, really calm down, unknot the energy that stays trapped in anxious emotions and live through Thursday peaceably. 

Had a great dinner with Papa where he told me so many interesting stories. Then I washed the dishes and he made me the final coffee if the day (my favourite part), which I brought to work to wrap up a deliverable. 

I like these little pockets of sweet leisure that come on days when you think it will be too busy to breathe.

Tuesday done

 Well, it was quite busy and quite scattered. But I definitely did get at least one thing out the door. I just realised that the thing to do with work is to get started early before any calls or human interactions. Got swept into the storm of calls and details and it was all just a flurry. 

Didn't go to the doctor or for a walk. One hopes for better luck tomorrow. Also was really prickly. There is a dull headache and that's why I wound up now. Will surf for a bit, sign off and go to bed. 

Sleep...good, restful sleep... that's the thing to reclaim. 

Monday done

 I made some progress. Not as much as I had hoped but some. Anyway, time to end it off for the day and begin early tomorrow. Also, a doctor's visit pencilled in.

Some clue about this fatigue may be in those large volumes of data about my blood. Well, mum had heart disease, breast cancer and diabetes. From what I am going through, it seems like diabetes may be the case but I haven't had it checked yet. Or did I? Don't remember. I was too sleepy to notice when the man came home to run the tests.

But that's okay. One little sliver of infinity at a time.

Things are good. 

Day 9 of 9

 Dassera. Have a solid, happy one, folks!

Went to Bandra today. Had samosas and cold coffee. Mummy's photo...well. Missed her. Wished her. She felt happy. A good thing. 

Big work week and couple of months coming up.

So time for orange juice and medicines. And prayer. 

Day 8 of 9

 I am beyond tired today. Exhausted. I finished some work today. Took longer than expected. But I finished and have to wade through a chock-full tomorrow. Wanted to take a small break. But not yet. Not now. Or I just might.

My mother used to get this tired when she fell ill. O don't want to think about it. I don't want to avoid thinking about it either.

Still...the work I have is exciting.

Let's get through this. One little bit at a time.

Day 7 of 9

 Today is Ashtami so I may have counted my days wrong. But there's a very gorgeous halved moon in the sky. Went for a walk because I was feeling quite weak.

Had so many calls today. I handled them okay, I think....considering...

Day 6 of 9

There are lots of pretty things in the world. It was during class one day, it must have been the fifth or the sixth standard, and I was looking out the window and waiting for it to rain. I have always found to be rain the cheeriest thing in the world. Growing up in Bandra, the rains were perhaps the most celebratory portions of the experience. That at Christmas. The kind of Christmas that you celebrated in the little tucked away corners of Khar Danda and Pali Naka and Bandstand. There was a tiny little lane called Wit's End. It's still there. You found the cheeriest most different types of Christmas lights - in the shapes of wedges of cakes and sausages. You still do. The Christmas ornamentation is so different and unique. 

Forme, rains are the Christmas equivalent of the season. 

So, fifth or sixth standard.

I was looking out the window. Had finished up with the lessons by then.I was quick and sharp like that. My teacher left me alone because I was not particularly talkative. There was a huge mango tree with lots of small, green mangoes hung almost equidistant among its branches- as if someone had placed them there carefully. The skies were grey and suddenly it started drizzling and then the rains got wilder. The tree was strong, drenched, and mighty in joy. Do you know what I mean? When joy - pure joy of being showered with such love can make you strong and invincible? That tree looked like that. And slowly, every smooth, plush expanse of a leaf looked as if it were holding a river. All that water was trickling down the veins of the trees and mixing with the rain and then all that was mixing with the mud. 

It was the most beautiful class that day. I don't remember anything else about what I learned. But I think of that day when I think of what love, success, and freedom mean to me. It is to be so unencumbered in the moment that you drift. You drift to the point that something holds you. And you allow yourself to held in that magic and stupor until you see You see until you become invisible. And you become invisible with the mightiness of whatever joy builds up in you and you become invisible with the mightiness of whatever joy is gushing into you from the outside. And with all that happy, blissful invisibility, you spill, splash, and become a happy puddle. 

A puddle that reflects the grey sky that started it all. And also the mango tree that finished it up. 

Day 5 of 9

 Decided to suck it up and get on with it today. In some pain today but it eases up now and then.

Will feel a lot more comfortable if I just tackled a piece of an assignment now.

Ate this thing called Sama rice or Bhagar. It's barnyard millet I think. Quite tasty it was. It's a food for fasts and this was quite light. 

Will make a little black coffee and pull out some chips and have them later, then work for a few hours and sleep.

Day 4 of 9

 Went to the doctor who is also my friend. It would be good to not have cancer. 

Day 3 of 9

Things I am grateful for:

1. Dad and brother are alive.

2. Have a house to stay.

3. Running water.

4. Electricity.

5. Laptop started up. (It wasn't last night).

6. Had a good, long cat with a pal. She's a doc. Have an appointment wit er tomorrow.

7. Can see.

8. Can ear.

9. Can walk.

10. Can touch.

11. Looked pretty god in te grey, lace salwaar kamaaz.

12. Pretty clothes in my closet.

13. Found a thin, white crop-top that I can wear tomorrow for my ceck-up.

14. Day has ended without too much hassle.

15. Resisted buying more clothes.

What I am hoping for:

1. Whatever I am currently suffering from is not lethal/ fatal. 

2. Even if it is, I keep the heart to still be grateful for stuff around me. Because there's lots. Always.

Day 2 of 9

 Nothing much to report here. 

Day 1 of 9

 A beautiful, happy Saturday that I almost cancelled on because I was feeling meh. Actually, not 'meh' but bad. So I wrote in my journal and that always empties me out somewhat. 

Then got dressed, wore Ma's earrings, and left.

This is Soho House in Juhu where I left my phone and then found it later. The girls in the table next to mine had given it to the manager. Anyway, candyfloss sunsets and general scenic prettiness...(Several of these were clicked by my friend.)

Really grateful for a day like today. 

A day and 'The haunting of Hill House'

 Shifted stuff to Bandra. Will move there after brother returns.

Finished watching Haunting on Hill House. Enjoyed it a fair bit. I loved the exploration of individual and familial dysfunctions. But...I didn't find the premise all that original. Maybe...this theme that when you die, when you leave the physical realm, is when you are really awake is a theme in Hindu scriptures... something that I have grown up reading about. And a non-linear time and therefore a non-linear life as 'real' existence is also a fairly well-used trope. But the writing, the cast, the execution of past and present fusing together... that's something special.

I think my main issue was with the mother in the movie. I found her to be the weakest link. Too artificial, I found. My favourite performance was that of Mr.Dudley, the housekeeper. He only speaks at length maybe twice in the whole series...but the first time he does that in the basement, when he talks about his still-born... it's gut-wrenching that this man is poor, stoic, noble...the kind of man who will take the high road because that's the faith he follows. I really liked him and his wife.

As for the house itself, it was okay...but...I mean, I just felt that something was missing overall. I texted a friend (who is a huge fan of Kubrick and I am not at all) but...the way Kubrick showed the Overlook hotel in the Shining...now THAT's showing a house with menace. The Hill House looked a little like the slightly opulent houses in Panchgani...which are all quite creepy if you have gone for a walk along those lonely lanes and there are these huge houses on the side...quiet, dark, obscured by foliage...but you can sense a sigh as you pass along. 

But...the depiction of dysfunction in a family as a reason for its its closeness was very well written. Nells and Luke's relationship was so tender.

Glad I gave it a go. 

What to spend time on

We won't have enough time to sort out our unique messy heads. But it's still worth spending time on understanding the scale of the crap. If ever one manages to do that, maybe we can begin somewhere then. 

Tidbits

 1. Heard this here 'Linkedin is the ugly Instagram': https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wgh5Zgag5UU 

2. Thunder today. Lighting today.

3. Saw a picture of a fat, white puppy. He/ she looked so serious! Chubby little thing. Had a 'Yeh duniya, yeh mehfil mil bhi jaaye toh kya hai...'

4. Ate pizza mcpuff today. Will snack on a couple more of them later.

5. Came across this book somewhere. Have ordered it. The book is 'Drama of the gifted child' by Alice Miller. It's by a psychoanalyst or some such. She talks about how very sensitive or emotional children may be wrecked in their adulthood. 

Worked sporadically today. Feel choked. That's okay. This is it for now. 

Quick rundown

One

 I had put up a post on LinkedIn where I wanted to understand the main resistance to children learning coding. I thought that this resistance is slightly elitist. More details on my LinkedIn post. It seems to have garnered some charged reactions. Have to talk to a few more people and read up some more on this to understand how to process this information.

Two

The Kominsky Method on Netflix - just so good. Michael Douglas is really something!

Three

The 40-year old virgin - surprisingly mediocre considering it has such a stellar cast of funny people.

Four

So happy that I found my yellow dress with a bodice that has geometric patterns in sky blue and white.

Five

Tasty idlis today. Also thunder and lightning. 

Day of the power outage

Electricity went off at 10 a.m. due to some great grid failure and came back on just now, around 7:20 pm. Thankfully, I didn't have any deliverables. Followed up on my invoice and pending payment and feedback. There were curt responses I was irritated for a second. But no matter. One asks what one is due peacefully. 

In my head I was planning a fun little idea where I have so much money that I have a private plane in unicorn colours. Inside that plane I have the best lawyers - so good that you can see their acumen shine on their fingernails and their hair glisten with logic and eyes beam out laser-sharp stuff that scan and pick out fine print. We all eat good, nutritious food - I am thinking cheelas made of moong daal and a side with grated peanuts, sweet potatoes, and beets. Also, there has to be something with rice. Lemon rice or tomato rice will be nice. Or maybe khichdi. Khichdi with black or purple rice, tender cabbage, and soya chunks. Lots of onions. And then cool coconut water.

Anyway, moving along from the menu. I would sit in the plane and file PILs against all the companies who default on payment, do not respond to feedback, and have crazy non-disclosure agreements or non-competition clauses. The plate doesn't need to go anywhere. It will have plush seats and labrador puppies in quilted baskets and we'd keep the windows open. 

Getting to Bandra court or Kurla is slightly jarring image to what I have in mind but that's okay. I suppose a little grime is necessary for the dream to become reality. 

Anyway. I could not be vegan today. I will try again tomorrow. Also did not work today. Will begin again tomorrow. Went for a walk today. That was good. There was bright fluorescent paint that had spilled on somewhere. That looked odd and pretty. 

I sense that things will be sticky and tough until they get better. Until I feel better - ot until 'they' get better. So I'll just close off with 'odd' and 'pretty' things now. 

A day out

 

It's a bunch of places and hotels and ice-cream parlors from around Bombay. Not interested in explaining any further. 

Good stuff

 Woke up early. Got ready to go to a friend's place. It was near Saki Naka - a place I had spent so many years working. Such fond memories!

Had panipuri at Bikaner today. So, so good.

Went to Nature's Basket and picked out ginger ale and salted kettle chips.

Ate a big, tasty lunch.

Went for a good walk. The weather was superb and scrumptious. Grey, overcast, cool, and lush rain afterwards.

Friend is staying over. So we did some low intensity, high impact together.

Had some fresh orange juice. 

Life's good today. 

Dear life, thank you so much for all these ribbons of silver linings! 

Tired

 Woke up early in the morning, around 5. 

Opened a bottle of chilled Coke and got down to work.

Submitted the job.

Ate a big breakfast - leftover noodles, freshly made upma. Lunch was at 4. Rice, a tomato-based curry with zucchini, and a sprouts-daal. 

Then went for a longer walk in the evening. Was really tempted to abandon it midway and sit on a bench. The lake was gorgeous - green and grey with satiny ripples.

But completed the walk and came home. Ordered stuff from MacDs. Papa likes their chatpata aaloo naan. I got the pizza puff and the Green Apple beverage. Both were synthetic-y in a good way. I find that kind of taste comforting.

So sleepy that it hurts. 

Out now. 

Fugue

(This image is by K8 on www.unsplash.com.)

 There I lived...in a city that seemed to be peeled off a postcard that gets sold in art museums. It was in a building made entirely of fungus flowers - large, moist, pouffy. But as wasteful as our abodes were, they were solid. The floors chipped, the walls cracked, the roofs leaked. There were always little rips and tears in the solidness...tiny rips and tears through which strains of the guitars, tunes of the piano, and melodies of the flute would rise up from the gutter people. 

It was a city that looked happy and wasted, coated in the viscous red of hedonistic evenings. If you mixed mayonnaise and ketchup and smeared it all across the sky, that would be 5 p.m. on Thursday. 

And like a Rubiks cube, our little squares of ordinariness lined up, clicking but not fitting. Fitting but still missing. The city moved like that - somewhat of a meaningful but daunting challenge for the intelligent ones. 

Everything moved littlesy and littlesy. we got solidness one day. Solitude another.

A little down but happyish still

 

This morning worked on finalizing changes on a document that felt good. One more thing wrapped up.

Have to finish something else that I will do again tomorrow early morning or work through the night.

Spoke to a couple of friends today. Realized that it has been over 5 years that I have freelanced. That's something. That really is something. I just might be the best boss that I ever had. The best boss and the best partner and the best employee. And I have survived without having my life subsidized by a partner's income, or a trust fund, or anything like that. And I earned enough to live between two cities, rent apartments, flight tickets every month, send money back home, donate to charities I believe in, and not turn into the parasite that will spend 2000 bucks on pizza and beer but will download pirated films to watch on a Friday evening. I should write about this someday. As of right now, I dazzle myself. He he!

Today's meditation was not a pleasant experience. Felt a lot of stuff come up. Which, I suppose, means that it's working. Anyway, one trusts the process and shows up. (I never thought that trusting the process or showing up were things I could do...but my freelancing career seems to indicate that I can.) 

Anyway, more tomorrow. 

Also, this juicy picture is by Clara on from Pexels. 

How much money?

 

Credit: Hector Falcon for Unsplash.

So obviously money is not going o save you from harm or death. But how much to ensure some dignity after death? That if you died from COVID, your body is not abandoned in an ally to not be sniffed by stray dogs. That if you raped and died, at least your family gets to attend the cremation.

Monday ends

 I finally finished off the final script for the public ad. It was, at once, easier and more difficult. I noticed that just working on a set of 4 animations, with a few mindful lens adjusting, had quite improved my work. I was happiest with my last version. A direct influence was a discussion that I had had with a friend of mine, MK, about the role of the writer in a story. He'd said that every thing that needs to be said as a story has pretty much been said. What will always differ in the way you present that story/ information/ content. And that presentation itself hinges strongly on how the writer sets up the motivations or the propelling portions of the plot. What's the 'why' that's underlining the 'how'. My scripting was for really a very short nugget and the guidelines were tight - not too much wiggle room there but you can spin a story so differently just with the choice of music and visuals. I was quite happy with my work today. Sometimes or maybe often, working with constraints is the best kind of creative discipline a vagabond, excited mind needs. 

Day began rough enough. Spoke to a couple of friends. I really would like to spend some time in a spot that is inhabited only by women. I would like to go for days not spotting a human male above the age of 4 years. Just really want to calm myself down because I can sense that something deep inside me is bent out of shape.

Anyway, one counts ones  blessings and today I got roses and jalebis. 

So ...we have crossed out Monday. Let's see what tomorrow brings. 

Monday

 Had gone for a walk last evening. Left my phone at home on purpose. It was good. 

It's Monday. It has begun early. 

Already feel crabby. 

Maybe I will just send off some emails and be done with it. Not going to work today. 

Stuff that made me happy

 1. A banana pancake-type puff.

2. Ordered some chatpata aaloo naan from Macdonalds. I didn't have it but my father really liked it. It was fun to see him so excited to learn that McD was serving things other than burgers.

3. Went for a walk in the morning today and took a different route. It was so gorgeous! I saw lots of weeds with bright purple, orange, and turmeric yellow flowers. Large trees that looked like ladders up into the sky. (A glimpse into what Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk might have felt when he woke up that morning to find the plant grown right to the heavens). And my favourite part - a random, isolated wooden door (not part of a house or anything) that seemed to open up to a wilderness. (There are some pictures of this on my Instagram page).

4. I wore a beautiful, champagne silk sari that belonged to my mum. It has a memory attached to it (at least one that I remember vividly). Wrote about it on Insta.

5. My dress from Bhaane arrived today. Very excited to wear it someday soon. It's an unusual colour - a mix of pale lavender and periwinkle in a high sheen fabric. It's quite thin so I will need a slip. But its loose and has an unusual pattern with accordian pleats. Looking forward to wearing it with some ice-blue and cobalt-blue stone jewelry I had spotted in my bag earlier.

6. A drive through the market with my father. It was a lovely evening with strong claps of lightning.

7. Pouring rain right now. It's close to 3 am and outside I hear the sound of pouring rain. Which is, of course, the sound of a beating heart that lived through one more day. 

Stuff I have enjoyed today

1. A bright, full moon in the sky. 
2. Working on the short video script for a short ad.
3. Had a moment of clean, pure peace when I meditated this morning.
4. Really enjoying the Kominsky Method on Netflix. The female characters are sketchy but Michael Douglas and his friend/ agent - they are class acts. 
5. The off-shoulder white and bright-printed sun-dress that a friend had gifted e in Pune.
6. Epigamia coconut curds - I quite enjoyed their plain one with a pinch of salt and the mango flavored. The one with coconut jaggery was a bit of an acquired taste. It's a nice thing to cool off after a workout.
7. Masala rice with soya nuggets, potatoes, and chilies. I love this! Also, if you pressure cook the soybean granules, they are so succulent!
8. Afternoon nap
9. Reasonable peace in the house
10. My mom's bangle that I wear nowadays. My mom had the hands of an empress. She only wore beautifully crafted real jewellery and sometimes when I look down at my wrist as I type, I imagine it's her hand. I can't imagine her working on a storyboard or anything. But who knows - if I focus on the bangle, maybe she can send me ideas through the pulse points on the wrist.

(I think until I feel some measure of peace with whatever is going on around me, I will stick to writing quick lists for the blog.)

So tell me again

 How the gold-digging hurts you

And how 'hypocritical' you find feminism? 

Or how much more 'difficult' it is to be a man in India. After all the statistics of gangs of women raping men is so alarmingly high.

And how you screech and cry shrill over 498A (A tip..if Section 498A bothers you so much, study Section 375. You may understand a few things.)

And do tell me that even though you can sense the despair I feel, how it's 'not all men'.

Do tell me how you 'understand'... because the truth is...fucker...you don't.