Chiffonesque

Things I am grateful for: 1. Papa and brother are safe. 2. Rained and there's new bright purple flower bursting out of a bush in the garden. I had never seen it before. All the other leaves are fresh and shiny green like they belong in an Ayurvedic spa. This purple gem looks like foliage dressed for the Cannes red carpet. 3. The cook had made gobhi Manchurian. So yummy it was! 4. Spoke about dreams and ghost guides and Kashi and stuff with J for nearly two hours. She shared a picture of Yogi Adityanath with a monkey on his lap. Yogi is signing some papers and the monkey looks on in great interest. It's a funny picture. 5. Ate a sandwich with toasted bread buttered and drenched with honey and topped with sliced bananas. My very favorite kind of sandwich. 6. Listened to the song, 'Jaisi Teri marzi' from Manmarziyan. I love that song like all the others from the film. 7. Found my leather-sheen tights. 8. A BIG relief was finishing off a document that I got...

I sit in a café The fairy lights aren’t lit The tea is bitter And the skies are hiccupping rain There’s a song that you may have liked There are trinkets you’d have made fun of There’s a girl you’d have smiled at There’s a mess on the table you’d have wiped away. Today we did this thing at home With fire, rice, ghee, and sweets To help you on your onward journey Your family was there They were sad yet happy They remembered you fondly Three of them gave a speech Then they left We though are still here In different islands of coping I resist the temptation of listening To your voice that I recorded by mistake But I’ll listen to it in time Maybe when the fairy lights are lit Maybe by a lake at dawn And then we’ll talk, the way we used to, just us… Then you tell me okay? What’s up with you, mom?

Things I am grateful for today: 1. Talking to a friend after really losing my cool. She calmed me down by telling me to always respond by counting to 20. Then she laughed and she asked me if I knew how to count to 20. For a panic-stricken second, I hastily counted to 20 to check. I can count. 2. Talked to another friend at night. He has peacocks near his home. That is quite a treat! 3. Went to receive my uncles and Aunt at the airport. A couple of them are staying at Taj Land's End, Bandra. They got a room that faces the ocean. The view was beautiful! Large rolls of waves crashing on Bandstand, the Bandra-Worli sealink standing like a self-playing harp, the strong gusts of wind and swaying trees, and a grey that could only mean magic... gorgeous! 4. Remembered something that the priest had said during the earlier havan. That life sometimes is like sitting comfortably in the house. If you have latched the door from inside, you are good with the situation. However, in the sa...

Things I am grateful for today: 1. Wrote diary while a beautiful black bird fluttered outside my window, suspended in the air in, what seemed like a ballet pose. 2. Kept my cool even when I felt like panicking. 3. Realized a couple of things, which I feel if I keep at it, will improve the value of my life: - Wrote letters to a couple of people in my diary who I feel angry towards and resentment for. It struck me that the pain in my chest is not just grief. It is a hardened ball of negativity that I feel towards some people who have not behaved well with me (in my eyes. They may not even know if they've done something wrong.) Earlier I would let time heal. But time does nothing for me. I realized that I have to approach this systematically. And my systems always involve putting pen to paper. So I really wrote that I don't hold anything against them. I will do it until I feel it in my bones. But I am glad I started this. So far I have observed that forgiveness is not a f...

Things I am grateful for today: 1. It's Friday. So just through urban instinct, it feels cheery. 2. Withdrew some money. 3. Wrote compulsively for a while. There was a slight relief. 4. A very good friend of mine from Pune called me. Felt really good talking to her. 5. Watched a couple of reviews of Judgmental hai Kya. That was nice. 6. A book on Educational Psychology got delivered. Today I felt moved that the Amazon guy came at 10:30 to deliver the parcel...in this rain. It felt like someone kept their end of the promise. No matter what. 7. Rained a lot today. 8. Dad and brother are safe. 9. Walked in the rain for a little while. A love so, so familiar! 10. Three or four times, remembered to breathe. 11. I am healthy. 12. Didn't feel like writing today but did. 13. Wore something nice today. 14. Enjoyed my boiled rice and veggies in the morning. 15. Papa's friend had come over. They seemed to have a good time. 16. Had gone to the Mystic Ma...

1. A friend from Pune came to visit. It felt so good, just talking to him. He and I had worked on a short film together. I told him about a story that my mum had told me about. 2. I got a good head massage. My hair looks greasy despite shampooing, though. But the massage itself was good. 3. My first cup of tea was very tasty. 4. All good at home. Brother and father are safe and sound. 5. There was food on the plate, water in the taps, and a roof over our heads. Plenty good. 6. My friend showed me a clip of this foreign film called "The Fall". It looked like a visual ballad. Want to see it. 7. For a good 15 minutes, my chest did not have the tightness. 8. My skin looked a little better today. 9. A friend from Bangalore had called. Felt really good to talk to her. 10. I almost lost my temper on two occasions. However, in one occasion, I took time out to write a short prayer asking for a heart strong enough to get past it. In the other occasion, I thought abou...

Things that made me happy today: 1. Rain. Lots of it. And no power cut. 2. Plan to make a quick trip to Delhi soon. Awaiting my pal's reply but just planning stuff with her always feels like play. 3. Had asked a cousin to sketch Ma's photo. She did. It's come out so well! 4. Wrote a couple of sample mailers. Savored over them. But they aren't useful from a commercial perspective. But felt really good. 5. Had a nice nap. 6. Can walk and all. No toothache. Huge blessing. 7. Laptop was working fine. 8. Enjoyed my meal. We have to eat one meal for a while. This meal is cooked without onion or garlic or oil or masala. I really enjoyed the rice and daal cooked with brinjals and some other vegetables. 9. The help had got her little baby girl. She's so chubby and cute! Loved playing with her. 10. There was water the whole day. (I could get through to 10 points without stopping. So yay!)

Things I am grateful for today: 1. Watching a shiny steel platter being decorated with fruits. Large, maroon grapes glisten with water and the mangoes are the colour of spring shade in a forest. 2. A friend came over to meet me. Felt really good, despite the sharp tightness in the chest. 3. Started work gently today. Really liked whatever I did. Didn't work too long or hard but enjoyed what I did. 4. It got stormy in the evening. For a few seconds, I sat in a dark room, listened to thunder, and the world felt perfect.  5. Wore a really comfortable orange, cotton dress today. 6. Watched some funny clips of Friends. 7. I saw a few kittens in a house next door. I don't like cats at all. But well, someone became a mommy today. And tiny kittens that can't even walk straight are a little funny. (I am trying to get to ten.) 8. We had running water. Lots of it. 9. My brother and father are healthy today. 10. I love the papaya tree outside...

J showed me the Sloth scene from Zootopia. That was funny. Played with kids today. That was nice. Sat and watched a patch of blue sky sitting in the house. That was quite pretty. A trail of white clouds looked like a long chain of pearls. My chest hurts. As I said goodbye to the various people, I sensed a very strong heaviness in my heart. It hurts and it doesn't lift. I will not have coffee for a year. But overall, all kinds of sadness and desolation behaved well today. Spoke only when spoken to. Of course, when spoken to, they said, "We aren't going anywhere." 😊 There's something to be said for feelings that know their mind. 

J has flown down from Delhi. She's sleeping now. We are sleeping in my mom's room. The room is dark. I am sitting in a corner and drinking Diet Coke. J only had a glass of lemon water because she ate on the flight and the food may not have agreed with her. One more day is over. Another has begun. From where I sit now, I can see a large papaya tree. It's in our front patch. There are quite a few papayas growing there. We have a really large curtain-scale money plant as well. Thick, lush plants around the house look gorgeous. I am waiting for sleep now. Maybe sleep is admiring foliage elsewhere.

I read this on Facebook: ~ Thich Nhat Hanh ~ "At the moment you were born you began to experience fear, original fear, because you risked death in that very crucial moment. You just got out from a very comfortable place, the uterus of your mother and they have cut the umbilical cord. Now you have to breath by yourself and there is liquid in your lungs. You have to evacuate that liquid in order to take your first in - breath and if you cannot do that , you will die. So, the first experience of fear takes place at that moment and the original desire, the desire to survive, is also born in that moment. As a baby, you learn that you're helpless. You know that you cannot survive unless there is someone taking care of you. When you hear the steps of someone coming, you recognise them as the person who will take care of you and you are happy. You spend all of your time waiting for that sound because when that person comes, there will be milk, warmth....That is when the first f...

It seems to be much more difficult the second day. I slept in the same spot as my mom. I wore her nighty. I draped her blanket. And today I want her back. Anyway, it is what it is. I know that it's selfish to wish for a dear departed to return. One must wish them well in their journey or rest or the end. Yesterday at the cremation, the priest did not let me light the pyre. How many people take ownership of your mother in the name of "knowing stuff" that you don't? In this case, some scriptures that I can't even ascertain whether he was saying them right or wrong. I am sad. But I am not suicidal. Yet, as the fire burned, with my mum under all those logs of wood, I was transfixed. It was very mesmerizing. I would have liked to slowly, softly slip into it. It had the comfort of my mother's lap. I came from her. It only makes sense that I return to her as well. I now understand why Sanjay Leela Bhansali maybe mounted the jauhar scene that way. You don...

Ma passed on. We were taken to the ICU. Even there, even then, I could feel the love. My beautiful baby. Our forever begins now.

Very tired. Just so exhausted. Taking a nap now. Hopefully the hundred voices in the head will shush now. 

I think one reason that I really liked Sex and the City was because of the way they showed the women still being close friends even after marriage or after they have met men. I have maybe 2 to 3 friends in life who I can hang out with alone. Or actually, that's not true. There are others. But they will usually call or connect when they need a filler - when the boyfriend or husband is busy, or if they don't want to watch a particular movie or something like that. In fact, if I think about it, my closest friend J, became that close because of something she did in Pune. I think we had just started hanging out a lot together, etc. And then she started dating. And even then, she would make plans with me, alone...just her and me. I have a couple of other friends like that but not too many. Outstation plans have to be cancelled if the husband or boyfriend is not available. Can't go for a movie over a weekend because boyfriend doesn't like this movie and he can't have ...

In Bombay now. It was raining a lot when I reached. Anyway, all the way from the airport, I was thinking about how I will find mom. She is unwell but she was so happy to see me. She mentioned with some pride that I have the prettiest face in the world. Then she slept. This business of returning home is interesting. I think if you live keenly enough, you sense just how different and how similar you are to your family members. It is weird how coping mechanisms can differ sharply. Anyway. The important thing is that everyone is getting through. I am really amazed at my father, though. He has always been really strong but now, I see a striking dimension of his strength - to stay calm and present and put up with people's panic and cluelessness. Especially relartives who say things that are so insensitive but they insist that it is coming from some place of good intentions or such shit. Actually, the fact that it is so thoughtless may in fact mean that it is coming from a go...

Yesterday a friend was supposed to stay over at my place. Spruced up my empty house a little bit. Got some kettle chips. (Haldiram has a few packets - one has a pink pepper flavour, which is quite tasty). Then there was some workplace crisis that he had to attend to, so he went. I accompanied him to his really pretty and peaceful home in Whitefield. While he worked, I watched 'Zero'. I really liked whatever I saw. I loved how a dwarf falls in love with this tumultuous beauty with a world of ache and someone else with a severe disability.  loved how Shah Rukh tells Katrina at one point, " I loved her because I could look into her eyes." Aren't we all looking to love an equal? Equal in our burdens, equal in our liabilities, equal in our resolve that despite everything, I will keep my heart open for you? I love LOVE stories. My friend had no such patience. He found the movie stupid and illogical. But I thought it made a lot of sense. Of course, for love and redemp...

I woke up at nearly 3 a.m. this morning. I had to share some writing samples with someone last night but couldn't. Forgot about it. I was also really pissed off yesterday. Sometimes I really wonder about the people in Bangalore. I have not seen people so paranoid of traffic to never visit a friend because said friend stays in some place where the traffic is heavy or whatever. And I'm from Bombay! I mean if address and availability of Ola and Uber are going to drive whether you stay in touch with someone, it's stupid. This is one more reason I am glad I don't work in a full-time job - this systematic paranoia that feeds into your soul, so much so that you have to think a million times before stepping out. Anyway, all that anger stayed with me and then I was appalled at just how judgmental I was getting. I think I should just make friends with some small babies in my complex. They aren't going anywhere and they will be fun, I bet. Then I had yoga - which is alway...

I wonder if there is some merit in setting a theme for a month. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. I will try it out for a few months and see - although even as I type it, I wonder if I will run out of them. Anyway, this July, my theme for the month is 'clouds'. I would like to imbibe it's slow, seemingly aimless drifting - but created with so much, yet so light. I think one must carry one's baggage the way a cloud carries the tiny droplets of water and icicles that it is made of. A cloud has a gentle self-assuredness that is as poetic as it is purposeful. Maybe that's what got the poet to wander lonely as one. Now that I have determined the theme I don't know what to do with it. But that's okay. I'm a cloud this July. Such lack of idea goes with the theme.