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Things I am grateful for:

1. Papa and brother are safe.

2. Rained and there's new bright purple flower bursting out of a bush in the garden. I had never seen it before. All the other leaves are fresh and shiny green like they belong in an Ayurvedic spa. This purple gem looks like foliage dressed for the Cannes red carpet.

3. The cook had made gobhi Manchurian. So yummy it was!

4. Spoke about dreams and ghost guides and Kashi and stuff with J for nearly two hours. She shared a picture of Yogi Adityanath with a monkey on his lap. Yogi is signing some papers and the monkey looks on in great interest. It's a funny picture.

5. Ate a sandwich with toasted bread buttered and drenched with honey and topped with sliced bananas. My very favorite kind of sandwich.

6. Listened to the song, 'Jaisi Teri marzi' from Manmarziyan. I love that song like all the others from the film.

7. Found my leather-sheen tights.

8. A BIG relief was finishing off a document that I got decent review for.

9. Had an oil massage.

10. One of my cooks has interesting dreams and she really takes her time narrating them. So when she has to tell me one of her dreams, she first gets me tea or coffee, something to eat, and then settles in to narrate in a three act structure. I thought I should note all of them down and pitch to Netflix. I think she may be persuaded to dream in series.

I was just thinking...one reason I feel bad about heading back to Bangalore is because no one will come to receive me there. I would like a life where I am always received with enthusiasm wherever I reach. (A joyous kind of enthusiasm, that is. I mean I don't want the police.). I wish someone came to the Bangalore airport to pick me up. With flowers. I wonder why people don't bring flowers for each other anymore. I will bring them for me, I think. I love small, thoughtfully created bouquets with flowers of different colours. Or interesting coloured roses. Or anything pink. Or lilies. And wrapped in newspaper or that gunny-bag/ sack cloth.

I'm feeling  strangely sad that no one will be there to meet me at the Bangalore airport. It would be nice to meet someone. Late night I will reach. We could have coffee or tea and almond croissant at this really cute little bakery or diner just outside the airport.  Then get home.

If I said this to my brother, he would tell me to take the train. (I really don't see the point of a younger sibling.)

Resuming regular programming

I sit in a café

The fairy lights aren’t lit

The tea is bitter

And the skies are hiccupping rain

There’s a song that you may have liked

There are trinkets you’d have made fun of

There’s a girl you’d have smiled at

There’s a mess on the table you’d have wiped away.

Today we did this thing at home

With fire, rice, ghee, and sweets

To help you on your onward journey

Your family was there

They were sad yet happy

They remembered you fondly

Three of them gave a speech

Then they left

We though are still here

In different islands of coping

I resist the temptation of listening

To your voice that I recorded by mistake

But I’ll listen to it in time

Maybe when the fairy lights are lit

Maybe by a lake at dawn

And then we’ll talk, the way we used to, just us…

Then you tell me okay? What’s up with you, mom?

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Things I am grateful for today:

1. Talking to a friend after really losing my cool. She calmed me down by telling me to always respond by counting to 20. Then she laughed and she asked me if I knew how to count to 20. For a panic-stricken second, I hastily counted to 20 to check. I can count.

2. Talked to another friend at night. He has peacocks near his home. That is quite a treat!

3. Went to receive my uncles and Aunt at the airport. A couple of them are staying at Taj Land's End, Bandra. They got a room that faces the ocean. The view was beautiful! Large rolls of waves crashing on Bandstand, the Bandra-Worli sealink standing like a self-playing harp, the strong gusts of wind and swaying trees, and a grey that could only mean magic... gorgeous!

4. Remembered something that the priest had said during the earlier havan. That life sometimes is like sitting comfortably in the house. If you have latched the door from inside, you are good with the situation. However, in the same scenario, if the door is latched from outside, you are anxious. The difference is that in one case you know that you can change the situation at your own behest. In the second case, you have to depend on chance. So now,one must aim to always believe that the latch can be opened from inside. I think he was making a point on self-imposed limitation.

5. Everybody's okay at home.

6. The boiled daal and rice was very tasty.

7. My eye twitch seems better. I think not having coffee has something to do with it.

8. Another friend shared some pictures of the fish curry and fried fish that he made. It looked so good! And then he also showed me pictures of a really yummy looking cake that he baked! The random things some people do on a Sunday! So talented and such a show off.

9. Liked the outfit I wore today - a black chiffon top with a singlet, a wide bottomed pair of silk trousers in black and white stripes, and a blush-colored duster - light and thin.

10. Loved the drive to the airport. Empty roads and a cinematic cityscape. 

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Things I am grateful for today:

1. Wrote diary while a beautiful black bird fluttered outside my window, suspended in the air in, what seemed like a ballet pose.

2. Kept my cool even when I felt like panicking.

3. Realized a couple of things, which I feel if I keep at it, will improve the value of my life:

- Wrote letters to a couple of people in my diary who I feel angry towards and resentment for. It struck me that the pain in my chest is not just grief. It is a hardened ball of negativity that I feel towards some people who have not behaved well with me (in my eyes. They may not even know if they've done something wrong.) Earlier I would let time heal. But time does nothing for me. I realized that I have to approach this systematically. And my systems always involve putting pen to paper. So I really wrote that I don't hold anything against them. I will do it until I feel it in my bones. But I am glad I started this. So far I have observed that forgiveness is not a feeling. It's an oath. I decided to take it today.

- In the list that I made yesterday, I forgot to mention that the lady who runs Mystic Mama's Cafe offered me a brownie on the house after I told her that my mum was no more. I couldn't eat it because I can't eat outside food at this time. But I was so touched. I realized that the reason I didn't write it is because I had not accepted a 'gift' that Life had brought my way. But Life had in fact sent across something. It did its part of being the gentle glorious beast that it is. I just hadn't registered it because of some intrinsic arrogance: if I didn't have it, it didn't matter.

4. Someone called me 'beautiful'. It's funny, the context in which the remark was made. But felt nice. (Considering I passed up on the brownie yesterday.)

5. Dad and brother are fine.

6. Rain. Luscious, beautiful downpour.

7. Pen was working.

8. Prayed at 3 am as per plan.

9. Liked my outfit- a stiff, white tunic shirt, dove grey leggings, and a paper-thin scarf in ivory with handpainted peach and yellow blossoms.

10. Really enjoyed the boiled daal today.

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Things I am grateful for today:

1. It's Friday. So just through urban instinct, it feels cheery.

2. Withdrew some money.

3. Wrote compulsively for a while. There was a slight relief.

4. A very good friend of mine from Pune called me. Felt really good talking to her.

5. Watched a couple of reviews of Judgmental hai Kya. That was nice.

6. A book on Educational Psychology got delivered. Today I felt moved that the Amazon guy came at 10:30 to deliver the parcel...in this rain. It felt like someone kept their end of the promise. No matter what.

7. Rained a lot today.

8. Dad and brother are safe.

9. Walked in the rain for a little while. A love so, so familiar!

10. Three or four times, remembered to breathe.

11. I am healthy.

12. Didn't feel like writing today but did.

13. Wore something nice today.

14. Enjoyed my boiled rice and veggies in the morning.

15. Papa's friend had come over. They seemed to have a good time.

16. Had gone to the Mystic Mama cafe in sector 8. Really like that spot. It was stormy outside. I just sat in, had masala chai, and wrote and wrote and wrote in my yellow diary. She plays really good music. I love 'Time after time'. Superb it is.

17. Baby had come and got really competitive when I was playing with her with keys. Punched me in the nose and all.

But today was very tough. Like you can't imagine tough. I texted a friend asking whether there was any chance that my mother will come back? He said no. But he could be wrong. There are plenty of things we don't know. But she won't come back. And I will keep listing all the little things that indicate the hardy stubbornness of life and a foolish heart that lives in it.

Today that's as good as it gets.

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1. A friend from Pune came to visit. It felt so good, just talking to him. He and I had worked on a short film together. I told him about a story that my mum had told me about.

2. I got a good head massage. My hair looks greasy despite shampooing, though. But the massage itself was good.

3. My first cup of tea was very tasty.

4. All good at home. Brother and father are safe and sound.

5. There was food on the plate, water in the taps, and a roof over our heads. Plenty good.

6. My friend showed me a clip of this foreign film called "The Fall". It looked like a visual ballad. Want to see it.

7. For a good 15 minutes, my chest did not have the tightness.

8. My skin looked a little better today.

9. A friend from Bangalore had called. Felt really good to talk to her.

10. I almost lost my temper on two occasions. However, in one occasion, I took time out to write a short prayer asking for a heart strong enough to get past it. In the other occasion, I thought about that person's sweet gesture made some time ago and exhaled the discomfort. I am God.

11. The Film Companion interview of Vijay...the guy who plays Arjun Reddy is really good. Why are they all so angry? This guy behaves in corporeal punishment. The director believes that slapping around your partner can very easily be part of a passionate relationship. Hmm. That movie invites psychoanalysis like nothing I have seen in a long time.

12. All my pens had ink.

13. Can still fit into a top that I thought I couldn't.

14. The leaves of the guava tree, homes to little rivulets of rain, just spread across the window like a continent of peace.

15. The sound of a downpour and a hundred story ideas float around in tiny orbs.

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Things that made me happy today:

1. Rain. Lots of it. And no power cut.

2. Plan to make a quick trip to Delhi soon. Awaiting my pal's reply but just planning stuff with her always feels like play.

3. Had asked a cousin to sketch Ma's photo. She did. It's come out so well!

4. Wrote a couple of sample mailers. Savored over them. But they aren't useful from a commercial perspective. But felt really good.

5. Had a nice nap.

6. Can walk and all. No toothache. Huge blessing.

7. Laptop was working fine.

8. Enjoyed my meal. We have to eat one meal for a while. This meal is cooked without onion or garlic or oil or masala. I really enjoyed the rice and daal cooked with brinjals and some other vegetables.

9. The help had got her little baby girl. She's so chubby and cute! Loved playing with her.

10. There was water the whole day.

(I could get through to 10 points without stopping. So yay!)

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Things I am grateful for today:

1. Watching a shiny steel platter being decorated with fruits. Large, maroon grapes glisten with water and the mangoes are the colour of spring shade in a forest.

2. A friend came over to meet me. Felt really good, despite the sharp tightness in the chest.

3. Started work gently today. Really liked whatever I did. Didn't work too long or hard but enjoyed what I did.

4. It got stormy in the evening. For a few seconds, I sat in a dark room, listened to thunder, and the world felt perfect. 

5. Wore a really comfortable orange, cotton dress today.

6. Watched some funny clips of Friends.

7. I saw a few kittens in a house next door. I don't like cats at all. But well, someone became a mommy today. And tiny kittens that can't even walk straight are a little funny.

(I am trying to get to ten.)

8. We had running water. Lots of it.

9. My brother and father are healthy today.

10. I love the papaya tree outside my house. In the rain, the top part prances like a cheerleader. 

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J showed me the Sloth scene from Zootopia. That was funny.

Played with kids today. That was nice.

Sat and watched a patch of blue sky sitting in the house. That was quite pretty. A trail of white clouds looked like a long chain of pearls.

My chest hurts. As I said goodbye to the various people, I sensed a very strong heaviness in my heart. It hurts and it doesn't lift.

I will not have coffee for a year.

But overall, all kinds of sadness and desolation behaved well today. Spoke only when spoken to. Of course, when spoken to, they said, "We aren't going anywhere." 😊

There's something to be said for feelings that know their mind. 

More on 237

J has flown down from Delhi. She's sleeping now. We are sleeping in my mom's room. The room is dark. I am sitting in a corner and drinking Diet Coke. J only had a glass of lemon water because she ate on the flight and the food may not have agreed with her.

One more day is over. Another has begun.

From where I sit now, I can see a large papaya tree. It's in our front patch. There are quite a few papayas growing there.

We have a really large curtain-scale money plant as well.

Thick, lush plants around the house look gorgeous.

I am waiting for sleep now. Maybe sleep is admiring foliage elsewhere.

More on 237 of 15,400

I read this on Facebook:

~ Thich Nhat Hanh ~

"At the moment you were born you began to experience fear, original fear, because you risked death in that very crucial moment. You just got out from a very comfortable place, the uterus of your mother and they have cut the umbilical cord. Now you have to breath by yourself and there is liquid in your lungs. You have to evacuate that liquid in order to take your first in - breath and if you cannot do that , you will die.

So, the first experience of fear takes place at that moment and the original desire, the desire to survive, is also born in that moment. As a baby, you learn that you're helpless. You know that you cannot survive unless there is someone taking care of you. When you hear the steps of someone coming, you recognise them as the person who will take care of you and you are happy. You spend all of your time waiting for that sound because when that person comes, there will be milk, warmth....That is when the first fear and the first desire are born and when you grow up, your desire to have a partner is only the continuation of that. You feel that you need someone to take care of you because you are helpless, you are vulnerable, you cannot do it by yourself. So if you are eager to look for a partner, that means your first original desire is still present. So, your partner, your lover, maybe a continuation of mommy or daddy.

You are peaceful because you feel, 'I'm okay now, mommy is there, daddy is there.' It is not the true presence of the other person that brings you this relaxation, but your own ideas and desires.

Love, in Buddhism, always begins with yourself, before the manifestation of the other person in your life. The teaching of love in Buddhism is that when you go home to yourself, you recognise the suffering in you. Then the understanding of your own suffering will help you to feel better and to love, because you feel the completeness, the fulfillment in yourself.

When true love is there, you shine like lamp. If you really have love in you , you will profit- not only humans but animals, plants and minerals. True love is equanimity."

*******

I feel fear. Not just sadness and longing. But fear. I feel a despair that has a colour - it's brown - and a shape - oblong. It's growing and moving like old blood mixed with gelatin. I wish I was taken care of - the way they care for you in a facility or a jail. But in hospitable facility and a humane jail.

Talking helps and doesn't. Breathing helps and doesn't. There are small things, though. A cousin came to visit us. He was telling me about what he wants to do a PhD in: Behavioral Finance and the psyche of money. Another cousin was telling a story about Mahabharata. A friend came to visit with her mum. We spoke for a short while but it was good. Then they left.

Then they left.

Then.

They.

Left.

Left - as a  verb, it's the past tense for leaving.

Left - as a noun, it indicates the state of what remains.

Today, I focused a little too much on the verb.

But just to attempt a shift, a few things that filled me up with some irreprissible joy:

1. A beautiful, guava tree in our driveway. There are round, ripe guavas hanging from the tree.

2. Dark charcoal skies and a downpour.

3. Baby videos on Instagram.

4. An old childhood picture.

5. A call from a childhood friend. He's got a really sexy voice. He is actually a very sexy man...I don't mean it in an objectifying way. He just moves like a panther. In fact, he is the kind of guy other guys find smoking as well. But what made me happy was not that his voice sounds like great Scotch pouring over ice or jazz playing in a cigar club...he told me that once he had met my cousin near the station and he had given her an apple because she had missed her train. Then he finished by saying..."Apple meaning fruit. It's not a metaphor for anything." I found that funny.

Life's been kind today.

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It seems to be much more difficult the second day. I slept in the same spot as my mom. I wore her nighty. I draped her blanket. And today I want her back.

Anyway, it is what it is. I know that it's selfish to wish for a dear departed to return. One must wish them well in their journey or rest or the end.

Yesterday at the cremation, the priest did not let me light the pyre. How many people take ownership of your mother in the name of "knowing stuff" that you don't? In this case, some scriptures that I can't even ascertain whether he was saying them right or wrong.

I am sad. But I am not suicidal. Yet, as the fire burned, with my mum under all those logs of wood, I was transfixed. It was very mesmerizing. I would have liked to slowly, softly slip into it. It had the comfort of my mother's lap. I came from her. It only makes sense that I return to her as well.

I now understand why Sanjay Leela Bhansali maybe mounted the jauhar scene that way. You don't see fire as fire. You see it as a doorway.

Anyway,  nothing happened and I am here now.

I will have a bath and then have tea.

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Ma passed on. We were taken to the ICU. Even there, even then, I could feel the love.

My beautiful baby. Our forever begins now.

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Very tired. Just so exhausted.

Taking a nap now.

Hopefully the hundred voices in the head will shush now. 

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I think one reason that I really liked Sex and the City was because of the way they showed the women still being close friends even after marriage or after they have met men. I have maybe 2 to 3 friends in life who I can hang out with alone. Or actually, that's not true. There are others. But they will usually call or connect when they need a filler - when the boyfriend or husband is busy, or if they don't want to watch a particular movie or something like that.

In fact, if I think about it, my closest friend J, became that close because of something she did in Pune. I think we had just started hanging out a lot together, etc. And then she started dating. And even then, she would make plans with me, alone...just her and me. I have a couple of other friends like that but not too many.

Outstation plans have to be cancelled if the husband or boyfriend is not available. Can't go for a movie over a weekend because boyfriend doesn't like this movie and he can't have an open enough heart to just come along for the heck of it.

I don't mind if there are kids though. Kids are good fun.

I really miss this in Bangalore. I used to have a friend like that who's now busy with work and has to travel to Pune a fair bit. But now with all that happening in Bombay, with mum and all, it would be nice to just go for a walk somewhere with a friend I have known for a long, long time.

It's a special kind of heartache, when you realize that a girl friend you were really close to will not pick you first if there's a guy around.

This group in Sex and the City were such a tight, happy unit. I loved that in every season, the final or the penultimate episode always had these girls out for brunch...not with their dates or anything. Just them.

That's special.

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In Bombay now.

It was raining a lot when I reached.

Anyway, all the way from the airport, I was thinking about how I will find mom. She is unwell but she was so happy to see me. She mentioned with some pride that I have the prettiest face in the world.

Then she slept.

This business of returning home is interesting. I think if you live keenly enough, you sense just how different and how similar you are to your family members. It is weird how coping mechanisms can differ sharply.

Anyway. The important thing is that everyone is getting through.

I am really amazed at my father, though. He has always been really strong but now, I see a striking dimension of his strength - to stay calm and present and put up with people's panic and cluelessness. Especially relartives who say things that are so insensitive but they insist that it is coming from some place of good intentions or such shit. Actually, the fact that it is so thoughtless may in fact mean that it is coming from a good place. A friend had once told me about a song that meant something along the lines that I fucked up so badly only means that I loved you so.

My father is an incredible man.

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Yesterday a friend was supposed to stay over at my place. Spruced up my empty house a little bit. Got some kettle chips. (Haldiram has a few packets - one has a pink pepper flavour, which is quite tasty). Then there was some workplace crisis that he had to attend to, so he went. I accompanied him to his really pretty and peaceful home in Whitefield. While he worked, I watched 'Zero'. I really liked whatever I saw. I loved how a dwarf falls in love with this tumultuous beauty with a world of ache and someone else with a severe disability.  loved how Shah Rukh tells Katrina at one point, " I loved her because I could look into her eyes." Aren't we all looking to love an equal? Equal in our burdens, equal in our liabilities, equal in our resolve that despite everything, I will keep my heart open for you?

I love LOVE stories. My friend had no such patience. He found the movie stupid and illogical. But I thought it made a lot of sense. Of course, for love and redemption, if you have to take a risk to go to Mars, you will go. I had never liked Shah Rukh Khan a whole lot (despite my mother loving the guy so much that he was practically a family member when I was growing up. I have seen movies like Ram Jaane and English Babu Desi Mem, Guddu, etc. - movies that he himself has gone on record to say that he just could not bring himself to like.)

But maybe as I get older, I like him more - for the very reasons that he is dissed. That is old enough and still doesn't want to get out of the romantic genre. But to me, I think that's the resilience of the stubborn part of the heart that doesn't listen to the philosopher in you or the economist in you or the sage within you. It's the part that high-fives the lover in you and goes along for the ride.

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I woke up at nearly 3 a.m. this morning. I had to share some writing samples with someone last night but couldn't. Forgot about it. I was also really pissed off yesterday. Sometimes I really wonder about the people in Bangalore. I have not seen people so paranoid of traffic to never visit a friend because said friend stays in some place where the traffic is heavy or whatever. And I'm from Bombay! I mean if address and availability of Ola and Uber are going to drive whether you stay in touch with someone, it's stupid. This is one more reason I am glad I don't work in a full-time job - this systematic paranoia that feeds into your soul, so much so that you have to think a million times before stepping out.

Anyway, all that anger stayed with me and then I was appalled at just how judgmental I was getting. I think I should just make friends with some small babies in my complex. They aren't going anywhere and they will be fun, I bet.

Then I had yoga - which is always good. I think I have become a little more flexible. I think I should arrange my days such that I do it twice a day.

We did a few balancing postures today. Such postures always show me just how weak and weird my left side is. It is really strange. My left and my right feel like they belong to two different people! Have to work towards that!

Anyway, I will be going to Bombay day after for a week. So every time I go, I wonder whether I should come back to Bangalore or not. But more on this later. Since I have to now begin my day and start work, here is a list of things that I am grateful for (some are Bangalore related and some are not):

1. A friend gifted me some coffee powder that she got from Chikmanglur. Just the day before she gifted me that, I had got myself a filter. That coffee is sublime! It really is. I have not tasted that kind of...for lack of a better word...unity of essence in coffee in a long, long time! So, as I write this post out, my decoction is getting filtered - all robust with the goodness of the 'take-it-slow' philosophy. Also, I learnt how to use a filter. It's not rocket science - but that has hardly been the reason for me to avoid learning anything related to cooking. But this filter-coffee experience has been a life-skill!

2. A really close friend of mine stays close-by. I really intend to visit her more often. But we spoke yesterday and it was so nourishing. My mum is unwell and she recently lost hers - but often we talk of something we saw on the Internet or read something or our times together in Pune. I think in trying times, just keeping things regular, actually makes it easier and more peaceful.

3. The trees in this city. I mean trees are beautiful everywhere - but here? These! Each one is bewitching. I'm sure they're up to something on full moon nights!

4. The smell of eucalyptus in the air when you're taking some godforsaken route between Electronic City and the centre of the city. It's a beautiful smell. I have usually travelled that road around 7 p.m.or later. It's pitch dark. You see ponds and really high grass - as tall as an average-size teenager and you smell the eucalyptus. It smells like old-forgotten love that will now return soon. Makes me smile!

I think my decoction is done. Will have my coffee and get to work.

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I wonder if there is some merit in setting a theme for a month. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. I will try it out for a few months and see - although even as I type it, I wonder if I will run out of them.

Anyway, this July, my theme for the month is 'clouds'. I would like to imbibe it's slow, seemingly aimless drifting - but created with so much, yet so light. I think one must carry one's baggage the way a cloud carries the tiny droplets of water and icicles that it is made of.

A cloud has a gentle self-assuredness that is as poetic as it is purposeful. Maybe that's what got the poet to wander lonely as one.

Now that I have determined the theme I don't know what to do with it. But that's okay. I'm a cloud this July. Such lack of idea goes with the theme.