Things I am grateful for today:
1. Wrote diary while a beautiful black bird fluttered outside my window, suspended in the air in, what seemed like a ballet pose.
2. Kept my cool even when I felt like panicking.
3. Realized a couple of things, which I feel if I keep at it, will improve the value of my life:
- Wrote letters to a couple of people in my diary who I feel angry towards and resentment for. It struck me that the pain in my chest is not just grief. It is a hardened ball of negativity that I feel towards some people who have not behaved well with me (in my eyes. They may not even know if they've done something wrong.) Earlier I would let time heal. But time does nothing for me. I realized that I have to approach this systematically. And my systems always involve putting pen to paper. So I really wrote that I don't hold anything against them. I will do it until I feel it in my bones. But I am glad I started this. So far I have observed that forgiveness is not a feeling. It's an oath. I decided to take it today.
- In the list that I made yesterday, I forgot to mention that the lady who runs Mystic Mama's Cafe offered me a brownie on the house after I told her that my mum was no more. I couldn't eat it because I can't eat outside food at this time. But I was so touched. I realized that the reason I didn't write it is because I had not accepted a 'gift' that Life had brought my way. But Life had in fact sent across something. It did its part of being the gentle glorious beast that it is. I just hadn't registered it because of some intrinsic arrogance: if I didn't have it, it didn't matter.
4. Someone called me 'beautiful'. It's funny, the context in which the remark was made. But felt nice. (Considering I passed up on the brownie yesterday.)
5. Dad and brother are fine.
6. Rain. Luscious, beautiful downpour.
7. Pen was working.
8. Prayed at 3 am as per plan.
9. Liked my outfit- a stiff, white tunic shirt, dove grey leggings, and a paper-thin scarf in ivory with handpainted peach and yellow blossoms.
10. Really enjoyed the boiled daal today.
1. Wrote diary while a beautiful black bird fluttered outside my window, suspended in the air in, what seemed like a ballet pose.
2. Kept my cool even when I felt like panicking.
3. Realized a couple of things, which I feel if I keep at it, will improve the value of my life:
- Wrote letters to a couple of people in my diary who I feel angry towards and resentment for. It struck me that the pain in my chest is not just grief. It is a hardened ball of negativity that I feel towards some people who have not behaved well with me (in my eyes. They may not even know if they've done something wrong.) Earlier I would let time heal. But time does nothing for me. I realized that I have to approach this systematically. And my systems always involve putting pen to paper. So I really wrote that I don't hold anything against them. I will do it until I feel it in my bones. But I am glad I started this. So far I have observed that forgiveness is not a feeling. It's an oath. I decided to take it today.
- In the list that I made yesterday, I forgot to mention that the lady who runs Mystic Mama's Cafe offered me a brownie on the house after I told her that my mum was no more. I couldn't eat it because I can't eat outside food at this time. But I was so touched. I realized that the reason I didn't write it is because I had not accepted a 'gift' that Life had brought my way. But Life had in fact sent across something. It did its part of being the gentle glorious beast that it is. I just hadn't registered it because of some intrinsic arrogance: if I didn't have it, it didn't matter.
4. Someone called me 'beautiful'. It's funny, the context in which the remark was made. But felt nice. (Considering I passed up on the brownie yesterday.)
5. Dad and brother are fine.
6. Rain. Luscious, beautiful downpour.
7. Pen was working.
8. Prayed at 3 am as per plan.
9. Liked my outfit- a stiff, white tunic shirt, dove grey leggings, and a paper-thin scarf in ivory with handpainted peach and yellow blossoms.
10. Really enjoyed the boiled daal today.
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