It's a hot summer night on Carter Road. There are some couples who're getting to know each other as they stroll past a tepid, shimmering ocean dotted with construction equipment. (At this point, construction equipment in Mumbai, or at least Bandra West, can pass for installation art.) There are girls in track pants and tee-shirts so faded that they are one wash away from being dust cloths. They occupy the two far ends of Carter's and play badminton. Some young boys are listening to something on their phones. Families with little children try to find a spot to sit where their kids will not start scooting after large rats running around. I walk on the promenade just to immerse myself in the quiet communion of the joy of the ordinary people. A little girl with curly hair runs towards me. She almost trips. I help her up and look around to check for a panicked parent. A sweaty lady is tying her shoelaces. She signs to me to keep her kid in check for a few minutes. I tell this girl that her name is Rayna. Because she looks like a Rayna. She is a little surprised at being told her name and not asked it. But she shrugs. It's not important to her what she's called. I asked her why she was running so fast. She points to the moon and tells me she wanted to catch it. I asked her if she knew what that was. She thinks and tries to remember what it is. She gives up and says, "Tired sun." By this time, her mother has reached us and smiles and retrieves her daughter from my custody. I looked up at the sky and thought that we truly are living in a beautifully bizarre world...where kids can spot the burnout in nature. And with such poetry.
Friday, April 24, 2026
Day 37 of 108
Thursday, April 23, 2026
Day 36 of 108
I am feeling scared and scattered today. The case of the rape website - that has been on my NewsFeed. Feeling really nauseous. Overate today. Quite a bit. It was stress.
I think I really need to take time off from work to examine my internal world more closely. More than what I am doing even now. With more detachment. Otherwise I will unravel.
Still, we get on by getting on.
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. I didn't speak with him today. But no serious, urgent call from home. So I think that is okay.
2. Went to the gym today. The AC in my building gym is not working so I worked out in the heat. Just as well. Felt like a workout proper.
3. Had a work meeting. It was quick and painless.
4. Had a nice breakfast at Boojee today.
5. Had an interesting walk up Pali Hill. I stopped to click some really pretty flowers. I didn't realise but a street dog was standing behind me. I knocked over him a little bit and yelped in fright. The doggy just moved away. His eyes were so calm and loving. So sweet he was. God bless him/ her.
6. Really really grateful that I am safe.
Wednesday, April 22, 2026
Day 35 of 108
It was a rather sweet and happy day today. Peaceful.
Got through the day. Went to the gym. A friend took me for a drive and we went to Haji Ali juice center for fruit and cream. Oh, I love that place so much! I had mango cream and my friend had dry fruit and cream.
A little bit about Haji Ali. Papa used to take us there when his office was in Maker Towers. Papa used to tell us to notice the service in that area. Cars would be lined up and waiters would remember large orders and get us our desserts correctly every single time. Also, despite the heat, the cream-based dishes would never be curdled. The sweetness of the cream was simple. The fruits were juicy. The balance was perfect. It was perfect 40 years ago. It is perfect now.
The Haji Ali fruit and cream was my symbol for a perfect love. When I decided after college that I wanted to get into writing, I wanted my language to provide the Haji Ali Cream Centre experience - unfussy, direct, tasteful, simple, perfect...and overall supreme. (The effort continues.)
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well.
2. Am safe.
3. Found my phone at home. Thought I had left it in the auto.
4. Went for a drive to Haji Ali and had fruit and cream. Yummy! I love that place so much! And Bombay at night! Wow!
5. Went to the gym.
6. Wrote about John Steinbeck's 'The Pearl'. Quite enjoyed writing it.
Tuesday, April 21, 2026
First Impressions: The Pearl by John Steinbeck
I will begin this write-up with a story about my life that is not here nor there. When I was looking for a set of subjects to pick in St. Xavier’s, I did not choose literature. Because I loved reading too much. So the idea of getting so close to a story, figuring out its mechanics, scrutinising it, and dissecting meaning and symbols, instead of simply being awash in the glow of a journey undertaken through words – the idea did not appeal at all. When I had to decide a major, it was a toss-up between Sociology and Psychology. I chose ‘Sociology’ because it seemed expansive and interesting. One of our teachers had told us a couple of things about sociology that helped me make that decision:
(AA) Sociology
was the study of regularities in society. Psychology is the study of
irregularities in an individual.
(BB)
The smallest unit to study in Sociology is a
family. The smallest unit to study in Psychology is one person.
The poetic whim of this lens is how I decided Sociology. And
incidentally, as a Sociology student, I read more literature than my own
textbooks. And from that reading, I understood that true authentic literature
is both and beyond – the mind of an individual, the mayhem of a world and the
membrane that separates and holds them both.
That was a rather large prelude to Steinbeck’s ‘The Pearl’.
First of all, I had not heard of this work by Steinbeck. The Pearl is a retelling
of a Mexican Folk Tale. It is set around late 1940s in La Paz, Mexico. We
follow the story of a small, contented family of fisherfolk. There’s Kino, the
man of the house, his woman Juan, and their infant Coyotito whose gurgles,
giggles, and burps fill up their lives. Kino wakes up and goes to fish in La
Baja California every day. (Incidentally, La Baja was so pearl-rich that pearls
from the region hand funded the Spanish Inquisition at one point.) He doesn’t
have too much materially but has a stoic and supportive partner and a baby. In
a very specific way and space, he is an emperor. And athers – of he has this
ability – passed on by his forefathers of hearing appropriate music in his mind
as events emerge. I am not sure whether this is literal but it is a beautiful
way of conveying to us that Kino is very much in tune with his world and everything
that is in it.
One day, the baby is stung by a scorpion. Juan commands that
they go to the doctor in town. That walk from their hut to the doctor is one of
the most spectacular descriptions of social divide that I have ever read. Juan
is resolute because she is focusing on the baby. But Kino is keenly aware of
how backward his class is. He feels shame. He feels inadequate that he doesn’t
have the stride of an educated person. He feels helpless that he doesn’t know
the medicine books that the doctors or priests quote when they want to save his
son’s health or soul.
He is a diver. And in the world outside the sea and his hut,
he is out of his depth.
The doctor is a corrupt man who, expectedly asks his man-Friday
to turn away the family from the gate. He does not even meet them. Kino is
ashamed. Juan is still resolute and she suggests that they go farther, across
the ocean. Coyotito is wrapped up in a scarf and is losing pulse.
One thing leads to another and Kino and family set sail.
Understandably, going farther will cost. So Kino dives to get some more pearls
to support his trip. And he finds…the pearl. In an oyster that
seems to hum the song of the sirens, Kino finds a large exquisite pearl that
shows the reflection of a peaceful world where his family is happy and his baby
is healthy.
Once he gets the pearl, Juan has managed to suck out the
scorpion sting from little Coyotito’s body. And now the pearl becomes their
lens to a wider world. Kino dreams of getting a gun, getting married, getting
his baby baptized in the church in fine clothes, getting an education for his
son so that his child will know what the books contain. Then slowly, he hears
the tenors of the music change. He sees and senses avarice – of his neighbors,
of the market, of the priests, of the doctor (Who miraculously shows up at
their door and tells Kino that he will give a medicine to the child so that the
scorpion poison is eliminated for good – except that the child gets worse.) He prevents
the pearl from getting stolen.
He does a lot. And the story does not end well.
It is a short story of a simple couple who for a brief
period became the custodian of something gorgeous and dangerous. I found the
pearl motif very stunning.
Yes, it is about the actual pearl, of course. But also what
the pearl represents – the quiet sanctity of the world that Kino, Juan, and
Coyotito live in. The simplicity of the neighbors. The dream of a distant town.
And then when the oyster is opened up, the actual pearl and all these other
gems of peace, quietude, and contentment also get poisoned.
Even as I type this out, I am feeling a pain in my gut. The
language is so lyrical and alarming. So much peace must mask so much pain.
“It was a morning like other mornings and yet perfect
among mornings.”
“When Kino had finished, Juana came back to the fire and
ate her breakfast. They had spoken once, but there is not need for speech if it
is only a habit anyway. Kino sighed with satisfaction - and that was
conversation.”
Then, the rise of the fierce nature that men have to protect
their family…and also grow.
“He had said, "I am a man," and that meant
certain things to Juana. It meant that he was half insane and half god. It
meant that Kino would drive his strength against a mountain and plunge his
strength against the sea. Juana, in her woman's soul, knew that the mountain
would stand while the man broke himself; that the sea would surge while the man
drowned in it. And yet it was this thing that made him a man, half insane and
half god…”
Steinbeck’s grip of how a larger social unit works different
from a smaller social unit is so adroit.
“A town is a thing like a colonial animal. A town has a
nervous system and a head and shoulders and feet. A town is a thing separate
from all other towns alike. And a town has a whole emotion. How news travels
through a town is a mystery not easily to be solved. News seems to move faster
than small boys can scramble and dart to tell it, faster than women can call it
over the fences.”
The Pearl is never listed as Steinbeck’s best works. But if
ever there was a novella that meshed the knot of psychology with the weave of
sociology and dyed it with some native myth and lore, this would be it.
Monday, April 20, 2026
Day 34 of 108
My mummy would have been 74 years old today. Her birthday today. She is no more. In the same way the dream I had yesterday is no more. It is strange but I really wonder where she went. What happens after death? Mummy hated the heat. We used to have an AC in every room when I was growing up. At that time AC was a big luxury and not like the quotidien amenity of today. And that AC would be on full blast throughout the summers. Ma used to bathe twice a day at least. And my brother and I used to be responsible for bringing in ice cubes from the freezer to put in the buckets for her bath.
I remember that morning when we went to the hospital. Papa had called and told me that she was losing health. I woke up my brother. He woke up with a start. I somehow knew what was coming so I started crying in the car, trying to hide my face. But my brother saw and got irritated because he did not want to accept what we were going to the hospital for.
When we reached the hospital, the doctor said thay she was no more. The day was just breaking outside. Beyond her bed in the ICU, I could see pigeons on a ledge. They were going about their morning business.
But Ma was not there.
The way things are, hospital logistics, funerals, etc. take on a lot of attention and all that. So for some reason I still couldn't believe that she was no more. But then at the funeral pyre, when she lay on the wood, etc., it was so hot and all. But she looked peaceful. She wasn't hot or anything. She was away somewhere very comfortable. I remember feeling very torn then - that as long as there is life there is pain. Once life is gone, pain is gone too. But my mother was gone. The person who understood me the most was gone too.
There's no point in thinking that she is there in the songs of the birds or the rain clouds or the smell of incense, etc. etc. She is not here. Sometimes I feel that maybe I should do a seance and call her. But then no. I love her too much for that. She must be happy and cool wherever she is.
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. He was reading Oscar Wilde today and when I spoke to him, he seemed happy.
2. I remember my mom. I have very strong, visceral memories of her. I loved thinking about her today.
3. Ordered some sweets today. Motichoor laddus from Bombay Sweet Shop. Gave one laddu to the delivery guy who had come to deliver groceries. He looked so happy.
4. Got through the work day today.
5. Am safe.
Day 33 of 108
I am trying not to think about tomorrow. It is 4 am. Was trying to sleep but things are sick. Woke up to type this out.
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today.
2. I went out today to Juhu with a friend. Juhu Shoppers Stop is so nice.
3. Tried Bayroute today. The Aush soup was really tasty.
4. Grateful for a home.
5. Grateful for the health.
Sunday, April 19, 2026
Day 32 of 108
Gosh! I am so tired! And it was an expensive day. Strange, out of the blue expenses. And a lot of nervous tension. Still, silver linings in all days and here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. I met him today. And I got quite upset that he hadn't told me about the AC not working. That took forever to sort out because the Urban Company guy did not know what he was doing and our AC is very old.
2. A friend came over to Vashi. It was so sweet of him and he drove me back to Bandra.
3. We got home safe even though we were illegally stopped.
4. Enjoyed vegetables.
5. Am alive.
Saturday, April 18, 2026
Day 31 of 108
Friday, April 17, 2026
First Impressions: Foster by Claire Keagan
This is my favorite couplet/ verse/ message from the Tao Te Ching - Even if a house has four walls, you live within the empty space. That even if a pot has beautiful curvature or is made of either humble materials or premium enamel, the water is stored in the empty space. The emptiness is what contains. In a way, the emptiness is the point. (I am rewording this. There are more elegant explanations elsewhere.)
Foster is the story of love that spreads and spools in exactly such a place.
We follow the story of a young girl who is unnamed in the novel. I find that detail to be enormous because she goes through such momentous internal shifts that it makes the first marker of identity, like a name, feel like a footnote.
The young girl is left at her aunt's place for a bit because her own parents are not well off financially, and they are expecting their third or fourth child. The new foster parents, Kinsellas, are grappling with their own sorrow. They lost their young son to drowning in a nearby lake.
With this girl, they are warm, welcoming, sometimes a little stern, and always fully loving. There's a part in the book where this girl has returned from church with a nosy neighbor who tells her about the Kinsella's dead child. Our protagonist does not know of it until then. Then later, after she is told of this, the child connects the dots - a strange look when she dresses up in boy's clothes that she finds in the cupboard, the bedroom decorated with cute wallpaper even though there's no child around, etc.
That evening, the father takes this girl atop a hill, near the lake. And as they are standing there, looking around at a world going silent, he puts his arms around her and brings her in his fold. She belongs now.
The story doesn't end here. But this moment, the writing leading up to this moment - is so sad, complete, fulfilling, and wholesome that you don't mind if the book ended here. Anything after this is a beautiful continuum. (And it does have a slightly open end.) When the foster parents drop her off at her real parents and are about to drive off, she runs out and hugs this man and calls him "Daddy". We don't know if the foster parents adopted her or anything. But we know that a child finally understood what it means to be loved by a family - in a way she understands.
There are many ways the book breaks your heart. It's like the way a child breaks your heart. The unflinching gaze at the truth. You are weak, you are flawed, you try to put up something so that the child will not know - but the child knows. More than knows, understands. More than understands, accepts. And more than accepts, becomes.
The unbecoming is the triumph we see in Foster.
Day 30 of 108
I am so fed up...of people, of life, of rigmarole of living. I just.want.out.
I want to really go to the mountains. Or a smooth space. I am in pain. No two ways about it. I don't know what is causing it though.
It is really really rough. Anyway here are a few things I am grateful for...and let tge records show that I actually wrestled with myself today to think of things to be grateful for:
1. Papa is well. I spoke to him and then later he messaged me too.
2. Got through the day.
3. A friend came over at night.
4. Tofu bhurji and sprouts chilla was good.
5. Managed going to the gym.
Thursday, April 16, 2026
Day 29 of 108
Things are crumply. I went for a 1 hour walk and I got exhausted. Would have been nice to do some weights but no. Didn't happen. Once my job is done, I will focus on strength training.
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. Spoke to him twice today.
2. Got through the day.
3. At least went for a walk. 1 hour.
4. Am safe.
5. Cleaning lady came today.
6. Ate konjac rice with smoked tofu. Made it myself. Really nice.
Tuesday, April 14, 2026
Day 28 of 108
Today was a hard day. Really low on energy. I don't know why I got so tired and just really listless. I woke up to a slight cramp. And I had my period. Just like that teara roll down my eyes. Honestly it was soothing and surreal to just watch myself. So much of emotions is just biology. The heart is not as involved as I might have thought. Hmm. You live and learn.
Here are a few things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. Did not speak with him tonight and he didn't pick up the phone now. But mausi said he is sleeping.
2. I got through the day. Really that can be the best thing to do said about it. It occurs to me that I wake up with so much confidence that I will live through the day. Even if I am sad and desolate, I still know that I will not die today. And I did not. I mean we still have 30 minutes before the day is over. But I still know that I will make it. Let's see about this tomorrow.
3. Managed a workout today.
4. Am safe.
5. Had water and electricity.
Tidied up - Microfiction
Bijoy Das looked at that little booklet in the drawer. He had heard it referred to as a "passbook" before. He had assumed it was some kind of a report card. On closer perusal, he noticed that it had something to do with banking. When he flipped through it, he noticed a steady stream of transactions that painted the story of bankruptcy of the table's owner...all teak and enamel and gold-leafed detailings, until the withdrawals couldn't sustain. But the last page of the "passbook" had a torn, weathered photo...of a child playing by a well. The table's owner had skirted with bankruptcy many times. But when he lost his child is when he really went broke. Bijoy usually scouted around for good deals. But it didn't seem right to bargain with a father looking to score some cash for his only child's funeral.
#micro fiction #story
Day 27 of 108
I am so surprised and happy thar I got through the day. There is some procession going on the road now and it is so loud. The emptier we have become as people, the louder we have become as people. I made myself some coffee and am having it now. Knees are feeling slightly better today. Managed to work out and also go out for a short walk up Pali Hill.
Here are a few things that I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. He was sounding happy.
2. Cook had made some tasty soya, veggies, and silken tofu mixed vegetables.
3. Had really yummy tofu bhurji sandwich.
4. Spent a full hour at the gym.
5. Am safe.
Sunday, April 12, 2026
Day 26 of 108
My holiday is coming to an end and tomorrow I have to resume work. If I am completely honest, I am not looking forward to it. At all. But it's just a few more days and then I will be done. Maybe 2-3 days more. On my last day, I will treat myself to a very very nice dinner. Even if it's a mighty fancy place, I don't care. Food should be very tasty but.
Anyway heart is loaded with a lot of feelings now. I just want a bunch of things to get removed from my mindspace, my emotional landscape, my heart, my life right now. But they won't. So we will go this way one way or another into tomorrow as well.
Here are a few things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. I did not speak with him today but no bad calls. So he is okay.
2. Boiled methi seeds with water today.
3. Went for an event to Mathuradas Mills. It was not a great experience. It was okay. Strictly okay
4. Got a kaali-peeli cab to Bandra back from the mills. That's always precious.
5. Had a tasty breakfast.
Day 25 of 108
Friend came over and we spent the whole day together. We went for a movie, Dhurandhar 2. It is quite violent but I liked the film. Found Arjun Rampal remarkably good! My friend did not like it as much.
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well.
2. There was enough resources for a few interesting treats.
3. Got a chance to go to PVR Lido again. I love that spot.
4. Cook came today.
5. Went to the gym today.
Friday, April 10, 2026
Day 24 of 108
I have decided that the way today progressed is how I would want the rest of my life to progress. There was a call from a friend, a surprising visit, a lovely meal, a visit with Papa, money in the bank - enough to get by, lots of books, a clean and safe home, and a happy, safe city.
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. He did look a little tired today but was quite vociferous in his speech.
2. I had an outstanding dinner in Vashi today. The kolam rice was cooked so well that it tasted a little like jasmine rice.
3. Quite enjoyed my protein drink today.
4. Had a safe auto ride back home.
5. Friend came over.
Day 23 of 108
Today brought with it its own set of strange happenings. My ear and throat is paining. I went for a late night drive along the Coastal Road with a friend. Gosh! That was a strange little emergence and I am so glad it happened!
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. I am well. There is pain in the body. But I am well.
2. I took a care package for one of my neighbours who was unwell. I had wanted to go a week ago when I found out that she had been discharged due to malaria. But I couldn't go. Today I went though. She seemed pleased. I am glad that I could do this.
3. Really enjoyed this film, "The Drama". Robert Pattisson is a really good actor and he pairs very well with Zendaya. I took some time to warm up to her but the final scene? She was excellent!
4. Am safe. My friend was driving too fast but am grateful.
5. Walked from PVR Lido to my house.
Thursday, April 09, 2026
First Impressions: Shy by Max Porter
You are in a bad mood and you start writing in long hand. Your penmanship is mad and large and unwieldy. In the course of your writing, your mood starts to settle down. Your penmanship gets stable. You think nothing of it. Then one day, maybe months later, you come across that page. And in the handwriting you see the entire emotional landscape you had traversed that day – from the cliff you almost wanted to jump off from, the mucky valley you trudged through, and then maybe the sweet pasture you finally settled at.
Reading Shy is like that. Shy is a teenage boy who is wading
into a pond to kill himself. As he walks out from his hostel to the pond, you
listen to his internal dialogues. His stepfather being disappointed with him.
His mother sobbing. His girlfriend confused about his strange aloofness in the
middle of a night of passion. His friends passing comments on the dead-end that
is their life. The brief sweetness from one of this teachers, Steve – and in
fact, it is this kindness that contrasts the dreary stuff from the rest of the
world. (Incidentally, a movie called ‘Steve’ stars Cillian Murphy. I haven’t
seen the film but am assuming it is based on the teacher. The novella though,
has Steve in a supporting, anchoring role.) Add to that, the recent development
that the hostel where Shy is, will be demolished to make way for a mall or some
other emblem of civic development.
Although the novella has sparse prose, the sense of
abandonment really courses through.
There is an inertia to the sadness…actually, not inertia. If
I had to think of a word, it would be ‘tamas’. That’s a Sanskrit/ Hindi
word and I am not quite sure what the English equivalent is. But it can loosely
be described as dead, dark energy. It weighs you down. It holds you captive.
You start enjoying the pain. You get skeptical of anything light, bright, or joyous.
There’s a part in this book that describes Shy’s mental state as such:
“He feels colossally sad.
Blisteringly sad.
Almost ecstatically sad.”
The end is a beginning and a continuum of sorts. The night
of Shy’s attempted suicide reads endless. His coming to terms with the pathos
of life also seems a fair bit unending. But within the few short pages, you
really start to wonder, what kind of world cannot accommodate young boys? If
decorum is prized to the extent that any evidence of testosterone must be erased,
if having a civilization of fatherless sons is not seen as an impending crisis,
if people continue to become parents without having the emotional wherewithal
for sacrifice – how much longer can we go?
It is a difficult read. But I did not find it as gripping as,
say, Lionel Shriver’s “We need to talk about Kevin” or J.D. Salinger’s “Catcher
in the Rye.” The desolate shittiness of existence as understood by an innocent
but wise boy is more evocative in these other books. Here, it is…architected a
little more properly I feel – despite the experimentation with typography and layout
design of pages, etc.
However, what I did like though, was the full leaning into
the experience of committing suicide. You still feel cold. You still feel
hungry. You still remember that you left the lights on or the socks out of the
hamper. As you contemplate a final death, you still contemplate an unfinished
life. And that maybe the thing that ultimately saves you.
The handwriting could (and does) get stable again.
Wednesday, April 08, 2026
Day 22 of 108
It has been quite exhausting - the day. But it's okay. We endured. We survived. We reached home. I am just up from a nap but still hot from the day's sun. So will make this quick.
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. Didn't talk to him today but he...(Okay, he called as I was typing this. So that's nice.) So that's a huge relief.
2. Reached home safe. My cook and cleaning lady had really tidied up the space. It's so nice, walking into a minty fresh and neat home.
3. I had to walk a fair bit to get a 6-seater auto to come to Alibag city. On a whim I decided to go to Varsoli beach as well. Near Tata's bungalow, there's a cafe called Rick and Dash. They charge a thousand bucks cover charge so you can sit facing the sea, etc. Which I did. It was quite the novelty. But unlike Naigon, this place was a tad too commercial. Still the view of a grey-blue ocean braided with sunlight was gorgeous!
4. One of the strange things about a holiday ending is reaching home to the exact same set of problems and mental chatter as one had left behind. Actually I tend to carry a fair amount of the mental chatter in my head as well. But I think the distance helps in recognising the mental chatter. But then there is a strange urge to end things quickly. Like...I wonder how people go back to their spouses and children after they have stayed away from them for a few days. That must be hard, especially after you have seen how life can be without those encumbrances. Once you see how little you can actually do with, it's hard to go back to a life of meaningless excesses that one has convinced oneself that they are important. This is not a happy feeling but I am grateful that I can register the dissonance.
5. Saw two girls on a launch. One of them was wearing a lovely backless summer dress. She was so happy feeding the seagulls and all that. So sweet! I complimented her on her outfit and she looked so happy! They looked really young. I hope they grow up to take holidays - only the kinds they can afford fully...not subsidized by a husband or father or boyfriend. If that means they go to Lonavala instead of London, so be it. If they were my daughters, that would be my fierce and enduring lesson. To always pay your way...in full. Not do this modern housewife thing of earning 10000 bucks but enjoying a lifestyle worth millions and feeling so proud about that. Men are quite predatorial that way. All of them keep tabs on what they are spending. And matter of time before they start throwing it on your face. Or worse...start taking advantage of the fact that you can be bought for a cost. And marriage just works out to be a bargain in the long run. It is a special life where one can break through conditioning. But even if that doesn't happen, it is maybe a good first step to see just how sickeningly beastly we are. And how primal our drives are.
Tuesday, April 07, 2026
Day 21 of 108
I dawdled in bed a lot this morning. The sun was up and it was still early. So I got up, stuffed a few things in my trusted backpack and walked to the beach. Dusty lanes in a village. Litter of pups tumbling about. Swaying palm trees. Large kokum, mango, and jackfruit trees in backyards. And then the gorgeous sun, the empty beach, a roaring sea...and the song of peace in my ears and heart. I loved my morning so much! I just parked myself on a dupatta and let the world do its thing. The sun climbed in the sky but it didn't feel uncomfortable. I was lusciously relaxed! I had a few moments of uncomfortable clarity. All the beauty in the world did not take away the stale worry and narrative that I was carrying in me. I am today not strong enough to do anything about it. But I intend to be that way someday. Until then, we do the best we can. Listen to the sea. Surrender to the Lord.
I went to the spa for a massage. That was expensive. And not worth it. But it was an experience. I was almost attacked by some strays in the evening. Thankfully I screamed and a sweet shopkeeper took them away. Gosh! That was close.
And the definite highlight was a swim in the pool at night. Dear Universe, if ever I have felt loved...it was in that moment...when I was floating on my back and looked up to see pretty stars amidst a tapestry of leaves. There were sounds of bhajan and keertan coming from a neighborhood temple. The melody carried over the water.
I was swimming. I was free.
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well.
2. Got really sweet autorickshaw people to and fro the city area.
3. Got saved from dogs
4. Really relished the ghavan and aaloo matar. And of course, loved the sol kadi. Love it so much!
5. Met a guy at the beach. He is a Math teacher from Pune. We talked about the places he has traveled to and he mentioned Jaisalmer in June. I have never been to Jaisalmer. May be worth checking out.
Monday, April 06, 2026
Day 20 of 108
I am so, so tired! In a little beach hamlet. Had a ferry ride from Bhaucha Dakka. Walked a lot. Really embraced the sun. And enjoyed my favorite drinks! Sol kadi and spiced kokum sharbat! Yummy!
Anyway, last night was a frantic and crazed search for some cupboard keys. I turned the house upside down. My brain really is going addled! I think after my job is done, I will focus on getting good sleep.
Plan - 3 months will focus on sleep. 3 months on movement. 3 months on food. 3 months on writing. (Or at least this is the idea that comes to mind as I stay in a cute little homey place in a village.)
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today.
2. Safety in the part of the world I inhabit currently. Our ferry traversed the ocean smooth and without hiccups.
3. A sweet and no-nonsense auto-driver who did not speak for the full 1 hour drive from our jetty to the place I am staying at.
4. Health and ability to walk.
5. Sol kadi, spiced kokum sherbet, a super veg thali, a clean cool room for a nap.
6. Finished reading "The Pearl" by John Steinbeck. What a beautiful, loving story!
7. Started reading Miranda July's "No one belongs here more than you." So grateful for books! And particularly my collection.
Day 19 of 108
I am running low on cash now. It's okay. We will sort this out over time. Anyway, it was Easter Sunday today and I reflected a lot on the story of Christ. I find the spirit of sacrifice very very beautiful. How can someone carry the Cross, knowingly get betrayed, get subjected to so much pain...and yet forgive? How can a heart be full of such love? It really moves me...the sight of Christ on a cross.
Anyway, here are a few things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. I did not call him today. But there were no frantic calls from home. So I guess it is okay. I think I love my father but I wouldn't be able to do for him what Christ did for God. It sounds like a weird thing to say or think about. But I do wonder...what is the extent of innate selfishness and demonic sickness that lurks in the heart. How can a human be expected to extend themselves beyond this short fuse and serious limitations and get better? That's a good question to occupy the mind.
2. I went to the Trilogy bookstore near Carter Road. It is in a wee little lane inside Chuim Village. I did not find the place initially. But a nice security guard helped me out. It's a nice enough place but too many rules...like with all things Bandra. If it is bright yellow and even just a little bit nice, it becomes too full of itself. But it is a library as well. So that is good. It's a good thing to know. Also, Carter Road was so gorgeous!
3. I got a Brazilian wax done today. (Urban Company). The young girl who did it was exceptional! She was also quite chatty and told me that she and her family tend to 14 cats! She also told me of a spooky experience she encountered near the Devi temple (yes! There is one!) near Bandra Fort. She told me about an agency called Yodha that takes care of the medical treatments of street dogs and cats for free. They apparently also treat other pets at a nominal costs. I like it when good storytellers tell me horror stories.
4. A resolve is formulating in my head and heart. I am not yet strong enough to solidify it. But the stirring of something important is equally a blessing to note.
5. Had a good trip to Juhu. Enjoyed a nice avocado toast and blueberry smoothie in one of my favourite places! Then headed back
6. Summer brings out the colors of flowers so well! Gorgeous! Outside Jogger's Park, there was a Bougainville that was a cloud of pink!
