Day 39 of 108

 Today I wrestled a lot with myself. My stint at work has ended and now, actually, I have a lot of time. I did not sleep too well though. I was feeling stuffy and the fan's regulator is broken or something. So it was hot. I was too tired to reach for the AC remote and in my mind, I had started calculating the million expenses that are now piling up related to the house's upkeep. 

These are all familiar patterns after giving up a contract to work on my own creative endeavor. But today, after I had glutted on reels and sanctimonious podcasts, I ruminated about something strange. That now I am feeling fired up to go and meet friends, roam around, etc. And this is exactly what I need to guard against. As a freelance and independent contributor, I have had two instances where I have felt so much pain, ruin, erosion, and suffocation that I would not wish that on my enemy. I need to give myself at least 3 months to work on my own creative project now. Otherwise I have just paid a very very heavy price for nothing. So, although, I was tempted to go out, chat up with friends, etc. I restrained myself. I also had to go to Vashi today. My plan was to leave early in the morning and travel by train. It costs close to Rs.500 (maybe around Rs.450) one way by auto. And now without income, thousand bucks a week for just a couple of hours in Vashi was feeling like a lot. So I thought I would travel by train. But I dawdled in the morning and then took a rick. In the rick though, I thought of so many of my expenses are because of my procrastination. I am really so heavy with ennui and laziness that it is actually costing me. I mean, I can put a price on it. 

Anyway, at home, in chat with father I arrived at a fresh set of expenses. Then I felt a little bad for depriving myself of coconut water because it is 150 rupees. At that price, it should come with its own sapling. But no matter. I will still give myself 7 to 15 days of planning and unwinding time and work on something juicy for myself. Even if that's the last thing I do before I die. 

After some mental calculations had happened, I realized that it was time now to take the train or bus. If I opted for comfort, I would be getting closer to compromising my goal. It was tempting. But I had given in to it in the morning. So night time was the time for public transport. 

I must say that I had the distinct advantage of traveling on Saturday night, around 8 pm. The ticket counters (or sweetly called 'Ticket Ghar') at Vashi were relatively empty. Trains were empty. I could stretch out my legs in the seat opposite. 

A very sweet, lovely young girl sold such sweet smelling flowers. She had a beautiful, beautiful face and a gorgeous smile. Her brow and forehead looked like the face structure you generally see in Devi paintings. A eunuch smiled and blessed me. 

At Vadala station, I have to change the train for Bandra. But for a while, all the trains were marked for Panvel or CST. On the bridge, I was waiting for indicators to point me to the platform for an Andheri or Goregaon train. (Bandra comes on the way.) But...I got a dedicated train to Bandra! That was so awesome! (On the bridge I struck up a casual conversation with another lady. A guy with a shiny laptop bag gave me and my dishevelled hair a side eye.) Reached Bandra station. And can I just say that from the bridge, Bandra East - especially BKC - looks far better than Bandra West. And Bandra West...they have just made the auto stand situation too chaotic. 

Reached home and boiled some noodles in daal. Too good!

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. But honestly not as active as I would like him to be. He told me that because I am not in his skin, I don't understand what he is going through. I suppose I should go easy on the advice. He looked sweet though. 

2. The train ride was me overcoming my inner sloth. Really grateful for that.

3. Had food at home.

4. Have water at home. 

5. Have electricity and could get some flowers to endy day with. Grateful for the beauty. 

6. The train ticket from Vashi to Bandra is 15 rupees. The best part about these local train tickets is that they give you a couple of stops beyond what you have asked for if it's the same fare. But I got the ticket up to Borivali! That's nearly 8 stations beyond Bandra. I could go up to Andheri or Versova or wherever if I wanted to! What a gift! Stuff like that makes me feel I am taken good care of.