A close friend had called me for her anniversary party. I didn't go. I just told her that I won't be able to make it. I didn't even give a reason. The weird thing is that I don't even feel bad. It would have been nice to see the kids but I feel when one is feeling this tired and done with humanity, one should not contaminate a child's space. Or maybe I am just done with the equation. And I don't have the energy in me to carry this on.
Anyway, the earth continues to spin for both of us. I mean, it doesn't spin FOR us...but it's spinning, we are living...and that's all there is to it.
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today. He was asleep when I called. He picked up and sounded groggy. A long time ago he had sounded this way when he was wounded. So my heart lurched. But thankfully he is well.
2. I am grateful for this dhobhi experience because it is uncomfortable. I realise that I see this story playing on in my head over and over again. And this breaking of the loop is what I must work on. Based on a few things that I have read on trauma, the mind naturally holds on to thoughts of danger etc. because the nervous system has learned to cope that way. But it is important to disengage and disconnect.
3. Made it to the gym and did a little workout. Not as much as I need to. But it's okay. We made it.
4. A helpful reader of the blog reached out to me last night with a message. They were worried based on my last entry. (Nothing to worry about.) But I was touched by the tender humanity of strangers...of people.
5. I cooked a little today...plain ramen noodles from Urban Platter - just boiled in salt water and tossed in some ghee. Then I mixed in some tofu scramble made yesterday. That was yummy. I felt like a very self-sufficienct domestic person
..like a heroine of a novella who moves to an idyllic town and builds a life for herself.
6. Wrote about Foster. Writing is what I love. And whenever I do it, I feel it loves me too.
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