Day 34 of 108

 My mummy would have been 74 years old today. Her birthday today. She is no more. In the same way the dream I had yesterday is no more. It is strange but I really wonder where she went. What happens after death? Mummy hated the heat. We used to have an AC in every room when I was growing up. At that time AC was a big luxury and not like the quotidien amenity of today. And that AC would be on full blast throughout the summers. Ma used to bathe twice a day at least. And my brother and I used to be responsible for bringing in ice cubes from the freezer to put in the buckets for her bath. 

I remember that morning when we went to the hospital. Papa had called and told me that she was losing health. I woke up my brother. He woke up with a start. I somehow knew what was coming so I started crying in the car, trying to hide my face. But my brother saw and got irritated because he did not want to accept what we were going to the hospital for. 

When we reached the hospital, the doctor said thay she was no more. The day was just breaking outside. Beyond her bed in the ICU, I could see pigeons on a ledge. They were going about their morning business. 

But Ma was not there. 

The way things are, hospital logistics, funerals, etc. take on a lot of attention and all that. So for some reason I still couldn't believe that she was no more. But then at the funeral pyre, when she lay on the wood, etc., it was so hot and all. But she looked peaceful. She wasn't hot or anything. She was away somewhere very comfortable. I remember feeling very torn then - that as long as there is life there is pain. Once life is gone, pain is gone too. But my mother was gone. The person who understood me the most was gone too. 

There's no point in thinking that she is there in the songs of the birds or the rain clouds or the smell of incense, etc. etc. She is not here. Sometimes I feel that maybe I should do a seance and call her. But then no. I love her too much for that. She must be happy and cool wherever she is. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He was reading Oscar Wilde today and when I spoke to him, he seemed happy.

2. I remember my mom. I have very strong, visceral memories of her. I loved thinking about her today. 

3. Ordered some sweets today. Motichoor laddus from Bombay Sweet Shop. Gave one laddu to the delivery guy who had come to deliver groceries. He looked so happy. 

4. Got through the work day today.

5. Am safe.