301

 Today I have been having some very angry thoughts. But it did lead to a good workout so I suppose something good came out of that. Anyway, I was typing all this the next day so that anger had ebbed but now I am angry again. Where is this endless reservoir of temper? I must say - it is impressive. Will-power wilts, creativity tires out, kindness wanes, affection dwindles - but the intensity of anger remains. It swells up and flashes and swirls on the ready. In fact, now it is something I have come to count on. 

Still here are a few things that despite my temper, I will put down. All the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I spoke to him.

2. After a lot of back-breaking labour, I finished one part of the work.

3. Managed to do a full workout after ages.

4. Was very hungry and was really craving hot chocolate. So ordered from Magnolia Bakery. That was awesome.

5. Was safe.

300

 This was not a very smooth day. Things are so rough and life and time today just felt...unlubricated. I got an email on that HMPV, HPMV - whatever that combination of alphabets is and the Guerilla Barre illness. So...not too happy with the way things are going in the world. But I have made myself a nice-ish brew, there's a light at the altar, the flame is small yet steady, and I am wearing my favorite denim shorts and my nice Oxford blue shirt in cotton.  

With that, we will start with our list:

1. Papa is well. I did not speak to him but there were no emergency calls so I suppose he is okay. 

2. I am healthy - tired but happy.

3. My friend came over with her daughter. We had a nice lunch - cauli rice with soyabean, some curd rice, and upma.

4. I ate a nice croissant from Twenty Seven Baker street. Grateful for some disposable income.

5. Have a home, have water, and electricity. In the middle of the day, my laptop had stopped charging but thankfully it got sorted. 

299

 The exhaustion is immense. But I must prof on. Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him and he sounded happy. It's the sweetest voice in the world. 

2. The number of hits on my blog has increased exponentially. I mean I am thankful because I am assuming people are interested in the way I write.

3. Abhey Singh, the wonderkid from IIT who now in Kumbh is trying to set up systems to explain Hinduism in a way that meshes science with heart...said a very interesting thing. I have been thinking about this a lot. In one of his live sessions, someone asked him why we feel bad when things get disrupted or destroyed. And he said it's because we have not really assimilated the idea of seeing God in everything. In Hinduism we have designated Gods and Hoddesses for creation and leggings, for preservation and status quo, and of ending and dissolution. But we only value more and so we only recognise something new ad good (and maybe God). Anything else we feel that God is not listening. When in fact that too is Shiva and Shakti or Vishnu if things continue the way they are. I am becoming interested in learning about Advait and living by that philosophy - of holding everything without labeling and judgment. I was very deeply moved by this explanation. It gives me something to live by.

4. Have a pretty home to live in.

5. Was safe.

I have worked through the night now. Will sleep. 

298

 This story has been bothering me a lot. So I will get this out and then try to calm myself down. On Instagram, a girl said she had hooked up with a guy. He asked her to give him a b**j**b. She did. After the deed, she wanted water but he didn't give her. He asked her to leave. This was a date, not an encounter with a prostitute. Even if it were...to not give water. To NOT GIVE WATER. 

What has happened? Low self-esteem is now I think playing out at dangerous levels. 

Anyway, it is a lot to process and my heart is heavy. But let's list what all things we are grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Papa's cook and her daughter and friend had come home to see me.

3. A business call went well.

4. I identified a deeply painful emotion. I am very very thankful for that. I just have to undersand how to proceed with this.

5. It is not easy. But I got through.

297

 I did not write yesterday and it is really exhausting. But never mind, if I have lived through the day that means something good will only come out of this.

All the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. I have a place to live - a cute, pretty, calm, womb of a place. It is perfect.

3. Did some strength training yesterday.

4. Had water.

5. No shoot-outs in the neighborhood and am safe.

295, 296

 Have been working through the night. I think I...

Okay, stuff happened and I could not finish the post and then got busy two days in a row. But here I am. It is 4:08. I have finished working on some technical and scientific content and am okay with the output. Not over the moon but okay. Given the time and complexity, not a shoddy job. 

It has been a couple of days and I have been positively besotted with this IIT baba at the MahaKumbh. I will maybe write about him in detail later but I find him so innocent and lucid and in a strange embrace of pain. He believes that he is Kalki - the latest avatar of Vishnu and with a new Kalki temple being set to be constructed in Sanbhal, UP. This guy, Abhey Singh, who is now called 'IIT-baba' or 'Maharaj Kalki' studied in IIT Mumbai (did aeronautics engineering from there I believe) and then worked in Canada for a few years. He is 37 years old and seems to have had a troubled childhood. As a child, he had seen his father tie up and beat his mother. He was in a relationship at one point with a woman who had been sexually assaulted in her younger years. His fingers are beautiful. I think that's what struck me - his fingers are very elegant and delicate. He was born in Haryana and I don't know if his fingers or just the gentleness he has was why his father could not accept him.

I think whether he is God or not, I don't think I have been this attracted to someone. He is very young and with this kind of energy, he obviously is an attractive man. Yes, a lot of what he says may in modern times point to some kind of an unstable mind. He smokes up and I suppose drinks. But I still feel there is an innocence in him, if not omniscient power. Sometimes when he is giving talks on his own YouTube channel, he looks free, making diagrams of consciousness and explaining Advaita mathematically. He is a remarkably good teacher. (The IIT brain does shine through.) But then on TV channels, when he is giving interviews, he looks like a lost child - the way a child on stage looks out for his or her parents sitting in the audience. In his case, his issues with his family are one thing. But I wonder if that is why he truly believes that Mahadev (Shiva) talks and walks with him. Who is to say that that is less normal than me believing that Ma Kali takes care of me? I had a very loving childhood and I absolutely cherish both my parents - not just as parents but as exceptional human beings. But if I had seen the turmoil that he has seen, given that his IQ and EQ were so sharp and in a town like Jhajjar, maybe he did not get his kind of kindred spirit. Who or what is normal then? I mean, of course, if he indeed is an avatar of Kalki, that's another matter. He reminds me of the musical, "Jesus Christ Superstar". That musical explores the psychology of Jesus in the last 7 days. And in one paragraph, someone cracks a joke that if Jesus came back to the world in a million years, no one on Earth would believe him. (I don't remember exactly.) I last heard that he apparently said something about Ma Kali and then people want him banned and all. I don't know what he said. But knowing what I know about the media and the general sense of people's motives, one can safely say that they would have missed the core point.

Anyway, I like his talks on quantum physics and how he connects the dots to different things. He seems like a sweet child. I hope he gets what he wants.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. I am safe.

3. I finished one storyboard.

4. I had the most gorgeous croissant from Subko.

5. Posted something on LinkedIn. (I am glad I could think of a short thing to write for LinkedIn.)

294

 I am tired and I said something about someone...two people... that I am not proud of. The fatigue is making me frustrated. But I think I have learned my lesson. To meditate a bit more for emotional regulation.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. I completed the raw script of something.

3. I worked hard today.

4. Had wifi.

5. Had tasty dosa 

293

I am exhausted but something is not sitting right. I had a couple of good calls. Just really irritated with someone. But today I started the day with meditation. That was beautiful. On that note, here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I spoke to him today and he is well.electricity.

2. Cook had made really tasty lassi today.

3. Got through the day.

4. Had a call on a very technical subject today.

5. Have water and 

292

 I did not make an entry last night. It was a very frustrating day - still one must prod on. Although now I am not sure why. But...habit.

1. Papa is well.

2. Cook had made really tasty besan cheela.

3. Had made a cup of coffee last evening. It was really nice.

4. There was electricity and water.

5. Am safe. 

291

 It was a working weekend but today I worked on something juicy - put together a deck to pitch for website writing copy. Let's see if I get it. But I also went to a friend's house who had lost her sister. That was a good meeting. I really wonder how our close friends will be going through so much trouble and we will be unaware of it. In fact, even in a group of friends, there will be different dynamics between different people. And I am sensing this about people around me today - a deep fatigue. So deep that people don't even want to be happy because happiness also takes energy. 

This year - 20 days on - there have been deaths and devastation already. That ceasefire isn't feeling good at all. I don't know if it will even last the year.

Anyway, despite it all, there are still a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I did not speak to him today but no urgent or crisis calls. So this is good.

2. My cook had made a really tasty mousse with protein powder, a blend of roasted makhana with slim milk, and mixed dry fruits. This was topped with chia seeds. She really is awesome!

3. I met my friends from earlier. That was nice.

4. I quite liked the palazzo I wore today.

5. I am safe.

290

 Today I saw something strange - how much we defend our fragility. A year ago, I was working with someone who said that the business world would realize the importance of emotional resilience in time. When senior people are not able to cope and fall ill and quit, when junior people are fatigued and check out, when everyone on tough projects and hard assignments feel like nomads and the bottom line is scuffed and eroded, then we will invest in teaching people how to tend to themselves. 

I see the sense in that now. But I feel that after a certain age, one ought to understand your limitations and not dig your heels into demanding compensation you don't deserve anymore. Maybe at one time, you could. Now you don't. Self-assessment is a superpower. But there is another side. Maybe one does feel that they bring something to the table. To show up for work irrespective of how the world has crumbled around you that day merits something. Being a human is exhausting.

I was out for dinner with some friends. I don't know. I didn't quite enjoy the dinner. I felt a little tight and wound up. I seem to have been seething about something but I can't quite put a finger on it. I felt the whole thing seemed a little fake. But later, some of us went out for a walk on the beach and that was awesome! I think just being outdoors, feeling the breeze in your hair, and listening to the sound of the ocean makes you spacious. You can invite, absorb, and truly meet people where they are - instead of where you expect them to be. I should meet friends outside and do something instead of just inside someplace and eat. 

Anyway, now I am not in a good mood. But here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well and sounded cheerful on the phone. He had gone to the ashram today and organised lunch in memory of my aunt who recently passed on.

2. Weather was good.

3. Had water and electricity.

4. Began the day with an excellent massage.

5. Had a nice besan chilla. 

289

 My head is heavy and am not feeling well. But I am really upset about this....that I can't finish anything on time. I wish I could do something more, something faster. 

Anyway,  here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He sounded very happy returning from the ashram. 

2. There's food and stuff in the house.

3. Some interesting conversations have been had at work.

4. I managed to do my Qigong stretches. I am quite enjoying that at night 

5. Am safe.

288

 The news about Saif being attacked in his home is shocking. In and around my building I have also noticed strange men just loitering around. I am not entirely convinced about the security but I now feel that if something this drastic has to happen, can you stop it? As I type this, I am sitting in my skimpy night clothes typing in my living room. I sense a shadow in the bedroom. There could be a man there who will now leap out, lunge at me, and slit my throat. Will I still think that this was inevitable? I pray for this actually - that even if harsh things befall me, I relax and release the hurt.

I am back from Orissa and I have encountered very strange tales. I remember some stories that Ma used to tell me. She told me of a distant aunt who was very old and lived in Puri. She had a trusted rickshaw puller that she employed when she wanted to get around the town. She had known him for 40-odd years. One evening, he killed her and stole her gold. 

This is not about people. I think there is a strange, inevitable fullness of karma that erupts when it is time. You can't say how or why. You just need to be strong enough to not break then and give in to hopelessness. It is easy yes. But it is exhausting.

There is so much chaos at work. I am sometimes annoyed with the way a few people have left things. Anyway, people have their reasons. At least I am alive and unhurt enough to be annoyed. So there's that. Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I did not talk to him but there has been no frantic call. So that is good.

2. I am safe.

3. Cook came today. She made a quinoa gruel with cauliflower. I ate that with a cube of cheese.

4. I got through the day.

5. Stubbornly I did my Qi-gong exercise.

287

 I have deleted this line several times. I wanted to write something but I decided to not do it. I'm convinced that recruiting people with experience is possibly the worst strategy for projects requiring stamina. People with experience come with a strange, stubborn fragility that is hard to break or erode. Now that I have a lot of experience, it is critical for me to not use it. In fact, the thing to use is the strange, now buried 'beginner's mindset' - because that part is young, that part doesn't get an ulcer, doesn't rationalize anxiety, doesn't get possessive about their own notions of the right way to do something. Feeling a little disappointed with whatever I am seeing around me. But they are life lessons nevertheless.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I did have a long chat with him about a family matter and he was quite zen about it. He always is but his capacity to accept reality is really unparalleled.

2. Was tired but still managed to do a short session of the Qi-gong.

3. There was a strong, steady flow of cold water.

4. I have a lovely home.

5. Wi-fi is working.

6. Cleaning lady came and not the cook. But that was good. 

286

 I am exhausted. So much information to process. So many things to go through. Such long distances to cover. I wonder if I will have the strength to endure all this. Anyway, here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He texted me once I reached and it made me feel relieved.

2. Had a safe and pleasant flight. Air India Vistara is lovely! I had a yummy rice and daal plate and a square of carrot and almond cake with a thin custard layer.

3. Had a nice time at my uncle and aunt's place.

4. I was worried about my cousin. I still am. Losing a mom - especially for people like him and I who are not always well accepted by the world - that is a heavy loss. But he was watching TV and shared a meal with me. He is doing well considering everything. 

5. I got an auto to go to the airport quite easily. My aunt had arranged for a familiar guy. That was comfortable.

6. So so grateful that Papa had sent the driver to the airport to pick me up. 

7. I had left my house keys when I checked out of the hotel. But my uncle and aunt arranged for me to get them.

285

 I had some disturbing images yesterday. I read about a man who was sodomized in jail because he was arrested for raping his baby so. There was a picture of him facing the wall and his pants were soaked with blood in the butt region. The pants were white and the blood had dried. It was an alarming image. I also slept badly and I thought my hotel room was haunted. I remembered a dream I had seen earlier where the ceiling was falling on me and at the door entrance my parents were looking at me but they weren't doing anything and I was also unable to move. I saw a video about sleep paralysis and how that happens when an entity overcomes you in a parallel universe. That scared me. But I am doing the Narasimha Kavacham - rather than listening to it. So I feel as if I have done my bit to shield myself.

Anyway amid so much fear and pain, there are still things to be grateful for. So we list them here:

1. Papa is well. I spoke with him and he sounded good.

2. I visited a cousin and I also met another cousin.

3. I had a good time with my cousin who I spent time with. I am worried about him. Losing a mother is tough, tough, tough. But all mums look out for their children - so I am sure my aunt is a protective guardian angel looking out for my brother.

4. I went to the gym and although did not do the hotel treadmill (I did not know how to work it) but I did do some weights.

5. Had an excellent glass of cool virgin Mary - it had the loveliest rim of chili and salt.

6. Weather was excellent.

7. I wore my kaftan today and I think I looked good.

8. Got through the day. Survived. One way or the other - got through the day and am posting to write the tale.

A short interlude

 I am so sleepy and I have another call at 11:30. At the bar and am waiting for my drink. It's a really pretty bar and I am alone with my book. It's nice that it is not dimly lit. I can read my book, which I probably should.  But it's a rather heavy read. 

Oh! My virgin Mary has arrived. The chilli salt rim looks gorgeous! I just sat in front of a HUGE red blossom in front of me and it's good. 

Life is good and beautiful! 

284

 I am in Bhubaneshwar now and it is cold. Had gone to my aunt's house and it is hard to believe that she is no more. But I hope she is with Ma and my uncle and they are having a good time. Living without a mother is so rough and I think it is strange how little anyone can say that will help soothe the pain. You just have to give life a chance to take you through. There's not much one can do to stop the pain. Anyway, here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him. He did sound a little sad. But he has long told me to keep expectations low - of people, time, world, fate, everything. You stay calm and steady and things happen. I think I am beginning to see the merit in this.

2. It was really nice talking to my cousin and hanging out with him. We sat on the terrace of the house for a long time in the afternoon and it was nice. I had a nap after a good, solid lunch. We had chai in the evening and then I returned to the hotel. It felt like a lifetime. I don't know if it is because I began my dat at 4 pm or what but I really felt as if I have lived through 4 days in ne.

3. It was a rough flight but we reached safe.

4. Trident is really nice!

5. Weather is lovely!

283

I am very tired and have tons to do... basically pack up and leave for the airport in the next couple of hours. But I wanted to just take 5 minutes to note down a few things that I am grateful for...just these little interludes of peace and sweetness with friends while chaos and uncertainty surround us.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well and I spoke to him today. He sounded healthy so am really grateful for that.

2. A couple of friends came over and we had a full evening. One friend had got me dhansak that I had for lunch. I made her try pitla with methi which she liked. Then another friend joined us and we went to Toto's first and then to Bandstand and then Carter's. We had coffee at Coffee by Di Bella and it was lovely. We caught a performance on Bandstand and spotted a couple of happy labradors on Carter Road. I just got the feeling that life is short and I have a feeling that these times with friends will also run their course. But sometimes we can allow ourselves to taste this mellowness of an age.

3. I controlled my temper today.

4. I wore my aqua silk camisole that I bought at a thrift shop. I think I looked good.

5. Everyone I know is safe.

282

I am exhausted and just feeling resentful for a whole lot of things. Sometimes I wonder about my judgment of people, and my helplessness about stuff around me...there is a not-for-profit organization called 'Milaap'. One of their ads asking for donations featured a 77-year-old woman who was raped by her son. I can't even understand how to process this. Rape is something that SCARES me a whole lot and then I see this. What...what...I tried to rationalize in my head that maybe he was a stepson. And I felt like such a stupid person - as if that would make it okay. How could a son do it? Why would he do that instead of just killing her? No. Today was just too much pain. It is a shit, shit SHIT world. (I just want to hug that lady and put her to sleep. But is Milaap ethical? Is it okay to show her face and tell her story to get donations? I feel as if they are also exploiting her.)

But still - in the spirit of carrying on with salting away whatever good I have noticed in my life today, here goes:

1. Papa is well. Did not speak to him today but no frantic calls so am assuming he is well.

2. Spoke to a couple of older associations. That was nice.

3. Had food and water and electricity.

4. Tried a top that I got in a sale for 30 bucks. It was a dark charcoal top in excellent fabric. It looked so chic!

5. I survived one more day with safety. 

God bless us all. 

281

 I have been working through the night and I am so exhausted. But I wìll finish some work that I started.

My laptop is getting restarted. Until then I wìll do this post. All the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I did not speak with him today but no frantic call. So that is good.

2. Went for my workout.

3. Cook made methi pitla that was awesome!

4. Had a rather long but productive way forward during a discussion with colleagues.

5. Watched some good shows.

Will now sleep for 15 minutes before resuming.

280

I am exhausted and today I am fatigued with some heavy sorrow. I really want to take a break. Actually not a break. I want to bend a timeline and skirt around a cosmic warp...what I had experienced in my hypnotherapy session once. Still a day began and we are almost done with it. So I suppose that this will be sweet and good. At least the exercise of remembering good things will be good.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He met someone interesting in the ashram so he was happy. It is so sweet to listen to his cheerful voice.

2. I ordered fruits today and made a strawberry and curd salad with pumpkin seeds. Quite nice.

3. I loved the karela bhartha and plain rice. That was gorgeous!

4. Managed to go to the gym in the morning. Did only half of the workout but morning time was a shift.

5. Went to the Red Chillies Starbucks today. Always fun.

 

279

 I just wasn't feeling it yesterday. The day just wore on and I really am exhausted. I ate a lot of greasy noodles, had a ton of coffee, didnt work out. And I am just not feeling okay. Anyway, here are still the list of things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is recovering well. Spoke with him. He was on a walk and sounded chirpy. 

2. There was some work today and some clarity.

3. There was food, water and electricity.

4. I am safe.

5. Ate carrots. They were yummy. 

278

 My aunt passed away this morning, and I am still not being able to process it. She was so loving, so sweet, so affectionate. But she will be with my mom. And I hope they will be two happy stars in the sky. It is a heavy heart. Anyway, a few things that I am grateful for today.

1. Met Papa today. He is not well but I felt good seeing him.

2. Spoke to my cousins today. I felt a connection that only comes from understanding a certain kind of loss.

3. Had food to eat.

4. Had wifi and laptop functioned well.

5. Had a good call with the SME.

277

Today was not a good day at all. It would be good for men to be men, for ONCE. If you give your word, have the balls to keep it. And maybe stop being a mooch. That wallet needs to be opened sometime - to at least pay for yourself. I can't understand just how penny-pinching this gender has become. After college, I never thought I'd have to wonder about people's motives about being my friends. Turns out - me living in Bandra seems to be a big reason, living in a plush place is another reason, and the weird notion that I will always pay people's ways is a third reason. Annoying and exhausting. There was a time when even the most selfish dude at least had some self-respect. Apparently, not anymore. 

Anyway, am sure there must be SOME silver lining that I need to look for to wrap up this day. So here is the list.

1. Spoke to Papa today. He is not well. That broke my heart a little. I wonder if he's the last man I will ever trust. Looks like it. He has a cold. He should recover soon. I will probably go to meet him tomorrow or day after.

2. I had a very tasty avocado, paneer and broccolli sandwich with a lot of satueed onions. Sauteed onions are the best.This was made at home.

3. Had a bowl of  cauli rice and some soya chunks. It was awesome. This was also made at home.

4. Had a rather insipid smoothie at Jamba. But it overlooks a little part of Linking Road, so sitting there and watching the crowd go by was nice.

5. Went for the exp sale on JVPD grounds. This was nice.

Today it was not nice and it's just feeling very tangled and all that. But kudos to me for cobbling together this list despite it all. 

276

 Today was also tough because I had a harsh talk with my cook. It was unpleasant. It looks as if losing cool and having bad and harsh conversations with people will be the theme for 2025. It is 2 a.m. and I am typing this without spectacles. I just have to stay still when agitated and allow peace to emerge. Anyway there was plenty to be grateful for. That remains a precious theme through life.

1. Papa is well. I did not speak to him but there were no upsetting, disaster calls. So that means he is well.

2. I went for a full body massage to Versova - a place I really enjoy. Met up with a friend there too. We relished the ginger and herb tea the spa served us with a plate of fruits.

3. We went to Barista afterwards and had lattes and a sandwich. Barista has really upped their game. The paneer tikka sandwich was tasty.

4. I met another friend at Inorbit Mall at Goregaon. I love meeting this friend. Her daughters had made me crotchet gifts for me - a little bee and a little flower bookmark. Precious!

5. I reached home and I was tired. I was also a tad unhappy with something. I did not want to work out. But I decided to do that - a set of Qigong stretches. It's a simple movement but quite challenging. I did it. (This is really fascinating. How when you work out when you are tired, you get more energy. And so much of fatigue is mental but parades itself as physical.)

Well, not too shabby. I have a lovely home, money for meeting friends and soothing myself, some work to keep me motivated, and the opportunity to give my thanks to a void. Luscious!

275

 I am exhausted. Was weak-willed today and had a large box of kaju katli. But did work out for an hour. I mean, I don't want to get militant about what I eat and what I don't. But last couple of days it feels as if I am feeding a hungry ghost inside me. That's the test. That's the temptation I need to overcome this year. And I will. So help me God.

Anyway, here are all the things I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well. I spoke to him and he sounded happy. His voice is really the sweetest in the world.

2. I really lost my temper with a cleaning boy. Uncouth. Things didnt get out of hand. So that is good. I realised that when I have a bad mood, no sleep, etc. I eat a lot. So another thing to be grateful for is this - precious insight.

3. Wrote a video today. I love storyboarding. It is precious. I love it and in this assignment I don't get to do it much. But today as circumstances panned out, I got the chance. Very grateful for that.

4. Have food, water, electricity and a roof over my head. I am so grateful. Sometimes I wonder where I would go if I was homeless.

5. I have enough clothes. 

274

 Today was a rough start. I woke up just before 10 a.m. and I had to give a training that I forgot about. So thankfully my senior and I salvaged the session by covering something else in the session. I was so harassed but still...got through the day and it two days of 2025 are done. 

Here are all the things that I am very grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I did not speak with him but there were no frantic calls. So he must be well.

2. A friend sent me a picture of a tree in the mangroves. That was gorgeous! It was so large and deep and thick with these age-old roots. To me, it looked like a picture of mastery.

3. I managed to get a work-out in even though I was not in the mood. 

4. I went for a walk around my most favorite part of my neighborhood - Pali hill. The lights have come down on Zig Zag road but some flats had a warm glow in the alcoves decorated with a Christmas tree. That was so precious!

5. I met the local pani puri waala on Mount Mary and I had my first plate of pani puri for 2025. Not ideal diet-wise but I cannot explain the joy it filled me with. And today, I'm just happy to hear my heart sing after the rough beginning of the day. 

273

Really nervous about the volume of work. But when anxiety hits, always a good idea to take a breath and see how things go. There's always a clutch of things to be grateful for:

1. Met Papa this morning and just spoke to him. He is well. Felt so good just talking to him.

2. Managed a workout today. I really didnt want to but it helps to push through.

3. I just have to keep steady and move forward one step at a time.

4. I have a place to stay (an excellent place to stay) and there is food in the larder. That is good.

5. Papa's cook had made very tasty katthal sabzi and poshto. Very nice! 

272a

 I forgot to write all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well and happy. He had gone to the ashram and had a happy time. He sounded very pleased.

2. I had to talk to a colleague. It is late, but I thought that I should talk to her. One thing struck off the list.

3. Electricity is there, food in the kitchen, more than enough clothes in the wardrobe, and the requisite nature of overwork to help me contemplate on building endurance.

4. Both cook and cleaning lady came today.

5. Am safe.

272

 It is the 31st and I had to go to be with Papa but there was a lot of work so I couldn't go. Anyway, he is off for his satsang and I know he enjoys himself a lot. So that's good. The two words for 2025 for me are Marcus Aurelius - the philosopher king. I now see that the year goes on a certain continuum, things don't change, and with every passing day ennui and desolation percolate. Yet we must soldier on. We must turn up with all our feelings - the ones that smile and the ones that wound and carry both as badges of honour. One is a human being and to have lived with that fragility every single day is immense enough. 

2025 - is the year to be Stoic. 

This has been my Gmail signature for nearly a lifetime and now it's time to really lean in: Amor Fati - a love of fate or a love for one's own fate (interpretations vary). 

But the resolve is to breathe deep in all circumstances.

So, help me God.

Wish you all a brave 2025 everyone!