Chiffonesque

 Today has been spectacularly painful.  And a stupid week begins tomorrow. But the moon was beautiful tonight. I went out for a walk later than usual. It was sweet and peaceful...and hot. Had Malta juice at Bagel Shop. Returned. Spoke to Dad. Brother pinged something about local trains. An invoice is still not cleared. It's feeling so exhausting. But cook had made really tasty pyaaz parathas. Not too shabby then.  But I am still nauseated and I really don't want to tackle work. Maybe tomorrow I bow out. 

 In an attempt to remove this suffocating pain and anger, I have tried to paint it out. This is what I came up with: It's a dead still-born inside an angry womb. But it is growing more coarse and black with every passing second. It's tentacles are reaching inside everywhere and soon they will reach my head and my heart. And then I will turn into a beast. The only way to get that out is to soften the dark knot by seeping it in something pleasant. That's when the knot will soften as well as the tentacles. They will dissolve into a dark sea of meaningless fury and hurt. But they will not have reached the heart and the brain. I might be saved yet.

 Today was crap. It still is crap. And it's likely that tomorrow is not going to be any better. And it's never going to get better. It's a shitty day. And it's a shitty world. And it's full of shitty people. Everything is horrible. And everyone is horrible.  Even so, there were some things I learned today: 1. I quite enjoyed painting canvas. Well, I am not good at it at all. But I liked the two that I did.  The second one is the one I painted first. It is Varanasi...the ghats that I painted from memory. Maybe that's why the temple-tops are looking a little like Hiranandani Powai. But I like the sweet, sepia-tint of the early evenings in Varansi, just before MP and I would take our boat rides. Tried to replicate that.  The second one is...well...lips of a woman who belongs to pleasure and pleasure belongs to her. Like Venus, maybe. After I painted her, I tried to paint a bit of the background. But it came out looking like a flag. That is interesting...The Republi...

 Last night we may have had a fire in one of the distant buildings in the neighborhood. Can't say for sure. I was feeling nauseous so I slept fitfully. Nervousness seemed to be balled up like a solid nugget inside my stomach.  I had a dream. I felt very creeped out. Felt that someone was outside my window looking in. I woke up sweating pretty heavily. There wasn't anyone outside...well, obviously, since I live on the 8th floor. But I sensed being watched. As if someone with binoculars was peering. I also sensed that the person who was peering in was no stranger. We had met before. And he had done that before. And then I turned towards my bedroom door where I felt something else. There was fire. My room was on fire. I opened the window, climbed onto the ledge and jumped down.  Then I woke up. I thought I was screaming. But I wasn't. It's as if the solid nugget of nervousness was responsible fory silence. Woke up. Made tea and put out brekker for the cleaning lady. She as...

 That there's nowhere to go. Dad left today with the cook and I am feeling a little relieved. He will be taken care of for a bit. Which leaves me to... I have a very dark, sinking feeling in my heart. I feel that something drastic will happen. I'll refrain from calling it 'bad' because, really, labels like good and bad don't make sense since we don't really know what is good and bad for us. But it does feel heavy. In fact, it felt so heavy in the afternoon that I slept clutching my stomach. I felt a dark knot in my tummy. A strange, hidden fear that was waking up. J called today. That's always such a cheery thing. V came over. That's a lot of fun too. The feeling didn't pass though. Tried to make a few plans with them. But my heart is feeling choked now.  Maybe it knows something the rest of me is not ready to see. I think I will close out for the day and close my eyes for a while.  Nothing is going anywhere - me or whatever is inside of me. May as w...

 I worked through the night on a document and I lost it in the morning. Of course I didn't know that none of the changes had been saved. So I celebrated early morning looking at a russet sunrise and eating two bowls of phirni. V had got extra for my cook from Orissa, who I have called for a few months to take care of Dad. But she is spending a couple of days at my house first. She leaves tomorrow and I really am sad. She is so so good.  Anyway V had got extra phirni for her and since I really love phirni, I was only too happy when she said that her doctor had ordered her to not have it. Still, I felt a little bad when I knew I was having her share. But then I peeled off the tin foil and scooped the creamy, delicately sweetened phirni and didn't feel bad any more. I got her a papaya which her doctor had recommended. (This is why I avoid docs. This useless advice on giving up phirni and all that I can't follow.) Then my Dad came and I swear it's like he doesn't even k...

I like these little snatches of light and colour I see from my window. It looks like the road is embroidered with mismatched glitter. Leaves one with a cheery feeling. This morning I had gone for a walk and in the evening, I did a little yoga. I often forget just how nourishing I find yoga. And how fascinating its efficiency is at showing just how misaligned and stubborn one has become. (One of my yoga teachers in Pune had told me that the spine stores memories, as does the rest of the body...but the spine more so. The whole idea of making the spine flexible is to make it easy to release the past. And if you have a stiff back, etc., it means one is holding on to something stubbornly.)  I just mainly dawdled through the day. Had a few calls and ate one phirni again that V had got. I then didn't do much. Not that I was idle but I want to go about my life with purpose and rest. J had once told me that when one lives in flow with some universal or cosmic current, you live with 'Sah...

A heavy heart. A couple of heavy meals to make myself feel better. V had got phirni and shrikhand. I ate one bowl of phirni and aata halwa.  I think I will eat the other bowl later tonight. Bought some inexpensive dresses from Hill Road. These I didn't need to buy. But was feeling a little sad. It's okay to fill up the void of a heart with some empty purchases and food. Especially phirni and aata halwa. I love both. If I had a house, I would make it out of bricks of aata halwa and plaster it with phirni. Anyway, let's see what the coming week brings. (More phirni and aata halwa I hope...and some lightness of heart.)

 I was mighty upset with V a couple of days ago. He really can be quite insensitive. As can I, am sure. But that day I wasn't. I really wasn't. Anyway, I mulled and stewed in my displeasure for a couple of days. Then we met today. He really is quite charming. And that's a hell of a lot of trouble. I am not really charmed but I see the mechanics of the 'smooth operation', so to speak, and it is quite admirable. Especially when he is sitting under an open sky looking at birds. When I see him like that, I get the same feeling of joy and abandon as you get when you see the book cover of 'Motorcycle Diaries' - of Che and his friend on the bike, lit with sunlight.  Anyway, he took a few photos at Bandstand and I love the lilt and nuance of his pictures. They are as much about what he could capture as they are about what he couldn't.  My favourites... In each of these, a story, a sin, a sonnet...Much like the gullies of Bandra.

 Back from Varanasi. Still soaking in the spell of that place. But whilst I marinate in the rich, lush peace that I have returned with, thought I would scribble something I have been mulling about. When we reached Varanasi  (that airport has such a doll-house quality to it, especially if you are traveling from a city where you jostle for space on the last shuttle to the plane), we strolled into the airport and waited for our luggage.  A family with a couple of kids were waiting close by. As the luggage came on the carousel, the mom and dad started reaching for their suitcases. This distressed their little son.  He didn't understand why they were picking up the same bags they had dropped off in Mumbai. He kept pointing to other bags and suggested that those looked nice. How about they take those? The father laughed and said that those didn't belong to them. They would have to take the same bags they carried. The son insisted that they were in a different city now. So ...

Early days of the first stint of freelancing. Scheduling client meetings in the afternoons to benefit from empty roads and window seats in buses or local trains.  But usually tired and cranky because I would work through the night and get only 2-3 hours of shut-eye before the meetings.  Loved the heavy sleep in the hour long travel time. Would meet clients rested but craving coffee and snacks. Worked harder for clients who provided both. One such trip. Was in the bus that went to Borivali from Vashi. I had to get down in Goregaon East. Looked forward to the trip because I was meeting a friend after and we were going to head out for drinks and dinner.  Sat by the window, paid for my ticket, put my head down on the railing in front of me, and slept off. Luscious, thick sleep. Summer and heat outside. Play of shadows as the bus moved under trees.  I woke up in the groggy state of half-sleep as the bus was passing by Powai. Saw the Powai lake. Glistening like it had a sh...

 Today is my parents' wedding anniversary. I don't know if I should say 'is' now that my mom is no more. I suppose I should say 'was'. At least legally that's the correct tense to use. I called Dad to...wish him? I didn't know what to say... didn't want him to feel sad. So I asked him about what the cook was up to and he described some cauliflower dish in great detail. I sent him a mental hug (there are some things I can't say or do to my Dad without him thinking I have a terminal disease. Hugging is one of them.) But I did hug my Mom's picture. Tight. And I don't care if it sounds crazy. But she hugged me back. I decided to go to Ram Krishna Mission today. Wore my mom's red chiffon saree. (My blouse didn't fit...so I wore a shirt instead. My cook draped the saree for me and she was most aghast at the misappropriation of attire. Oh well... can't please them all.)  When I was growing up, we used to visit Ram Krishna Mission ver...

 Had a really good walk today. I took a turn near Rizvi college and spotted a group of people dressed in the most stylish athleisure I have seen in a while. One man was in a white hoodie, dove-grey joggers and neon-yellow kicks. I liked the length of his hoodie. It was slightly cropped but the guy had a well-proportioned torso. He wore it well. There was another guy who looked suave... I know it's a strange term to use for people who are sweating it out...but he looked mighty stylish in a pale lavender t-shirt that had an interesting gravelly print on it. (I would wear something like that.) He had paired it with tracks in an unusual shade of French Navy. It's not very often that one sees that shade in India, much less on sportswear. It's a fresh twist to regular shades of blue. But the best part of his attire was a fanny pack that was embroidered with fruits and birds. It looked lovely!  The girl in the group had a pretty neon-green ensemble with a dainty line of diamontes ...

 Something was playing on my mind today. It was a good day. Can't complain. My cook didn't seem too happy today. She is worried about her kids. They are unemployed and they don't want to do housework because they feel it's a step down.I had asked to meet with her daughter. Her daughter had apparently worked in an office. But my cook is not very forthcoming. I was not feeling too nice so V took me to Bandstand to watch the sunset. Today he told me about rust on boats and how one cleaned them. We sat at our favourite spot and had coffee and boost. Sometimes I wish I had a month or so to just meet him for a few hours everyday and simply hang out. Walk around with no agenda, go sit at Worli seaface or Juhu. I mean...I don't mind spending the downtime alone either. Which I most likely will because V makes too much of a fuss being out in the heat. For someone who grew up in Bombay, he has such a problem with heat and humidity. It's laughable. Anyway we came home and ...

This is the lazy kitty, one of several, sleeping outside the laptop store. The cats in Bandra are so fat!  My school! Unlike my brother's posh school (which had Naseeruddin Shah's children and kids of a ton of celebrities), mine was a humble one. I still remember the day when my brother came home from school to tell Ma that he had swimming classes next week onwards. They would be going to Otters Club! It was the same day I had drawn a pool in Art class. That's the closest my school got to those amenities. :-) Sweet times though. 'Title Waves' (isn't it a cute name for a bookstore?) is opposite my school. It wasn't there when I was growing up. In fact, I think we had a few hutments opposite the school. A couple of kids from those places came to our school. I used to visit this library in my ninth and tenth grade. My closest friend, R, had recommended it to me. I discovered Barbara Cartland here. This spot also opened much later. It was called 'Just around...

The day began really early with a text from Papa. He had left his charger at my place. So I cabbed it to Vashi around 6:15 in the morning. It was a swift, beautiful ride. Took me only 35 to 40 minutes to reach and approximately the same amount of time to return. I think one of the projects that I really had my heart set on...and I had worked so earnestly on it...I think that my role in that project is off done. I felt sad. I do believe that at some point the project will resurrect in a different avatar maybe. I won't be a part of it. But I suppose one takes heart from the fact that the project will always remain a part of me. Then V came home in the evening. I had lit up tealights and we were chatting about this and that. I wonder if it says something about our lives and our personalities that in environments such as this, V prefers looking the citylights and I prefer the candle flames but in time, we both settle in on the dark night sky. Something to be said for absence of light t...