Chiffonesque

 Haven't posted in a while. It has been heavy, sad and busy since the last few days or weeks. Or months or years or lifetimes. Who knows? Sometimes I feel as if the world around me is wobbly...like jelly that has not set. Parts of this jelly world lead you to another dimension. Friends who are no longer part of my life, a childhood that dissipated, dreams that I plotted for but lost, a body that for a brief moment held joy and abandon before fortressing it to prevent shame and rage, my mom, and two little babies. Two little babies died today. I didn't know them. But I got the message and couldn't get out of bed. Little tiny babies. I was looking out the window and saw lots of things...cars, people, a flute seller, a fruit vendor arguing with a rickshaw guy who bumped him, kites, etc. But no babies. No one held in the arms of a grown up. No one in a pram.  It was a bad idea to talk to family or meet a friend in this mood. Obviously didn't go down well. Maybe it will sort...

 It was a rushed trip to Vashi today. Saw the fam! Felt good. Hopefully Papa will come on Monday. Here's hoping!

 I went to SEEPZ yesterday to meet the team I will be working on a long-term engagement with yesterday. Bought a new chocolate brown dress with sand colored polka dots. Wore them with these really pretty high-heeled pumps that I got during the pandemic. It's a really nice smart pair of pumps but I had forgotten how soul-sucking and painful wearing heels can be, especially in SEEPZ where the place has been overrun with trees and tall grass - so much so one could shoot an ad for Woodland there. SEEPZ is right on the precipice of office space turning into full throttle forestation.  Anyway, I caught a rick and it really has been clearly a long time since even the rickshaw fellow must have been there... because the first guy I asked agreed promptly (during monsoon, no less). Otherwise, one encounters at least 3 rejections before you get someone - Ola, Uber, notwithstanding.  Anyway, near Milan subway, a cop stopped traffic to let an old couple cross the road. They smiled and ...

Nibu drew her pink lace curtains to let in sunshine. The trees outside shimmered as if ground emeralds and rubies were sprinkled on them. Today was her big day. She was finally moving into her house on the other side of the village.  Nibu made fresh orange juice and chopped up strawberries to eat with her bread. She was out of honey so she used clumps of raw sugar instead. She wore a pink top with delicate lacy sleeves and a full flared skirt in magenta.  They were making quite a noise downstairs. For once there was no TV. Yet Sorrell was just about getting ready to bring the house down. He was quite a precocious 10 year old. Nibu had first met Sorrell when he was fiddling around with the TV remote but couldn't get the TV started. It didn't help that his parents kept him chained to the chair until they got home from work. Nibu had simply changed the channel to help that pesky boy out. And did he say " Thank you "? Oh no. He yelled and cried.  Although Nibu didn't ...

 It has been feeling very weird since yesterday. A friend came over last night and we did a little yoga together. He is a lot younger and quite flexible, actually. But I don't think he liked it too much. I suppose if one has been into athletics and stuff like that, this stretching and holding a pose, etc. might not be exciting. Or, more accurately, I wasn't a good teacher. I had curd rice last night. It is so beautiful, that dish. That and potatoes chopped fine and fried crisp. My cook had made sabudana khichdi yesterday too. I didn't have it but my friend had it and the other cleaning lady. They seemed to like it.  My cleaning lady is now a grandmother. She had gotten married when she was 14. So now she already has 2 grandkids. The second one was born a week ago. This lady really is not good with her mobile phone. It's always out of charge or she doesn't recognise her ringtone so it keeps buzzing without her attending to it. And she doesn't quite know what to d...

 There was a joke in Seinfeld where he says that isn't it interesting that every day only so much life  happens that can fit in a newspaper? I also think it is interesting that we are given a consistent segment of eternity, 24 hours, every day to deal with. I am really exhausted. Have had a heavy heart for a while. Don't know why. My father got vaccinated today. He looks so happy. I saw that picture and started getting fever. Don't know about anything else but I am not well I feel. Need to go to a doc but I really am scared of going to doctors. I don't know where this phobia comes from but I feel that they will remove my innards and replace them with that of an amphibian.( I can only recall frog as an amphibian. Which are the others? ) Anyway, I had a bad dream again today. I am having lots of bad dreams and when I woke up, I was croaking like a frog. Maybe it was just a hoarse voice but who will take a chance? Work is endless. End.Less. And now I am out of potatoes.  I...

Well, as a palate cleanser to such an acidic day, here are a few things I am grateful for: 1. A talk with A. He was obnoxious, as he usually is. But it is nice about how narcissism can actually deflect a lot of one's own pain. 2. A chat with J. She said that she and I should collaborate on something... something other than meeting in Delhi where we really will just wind up at Saket mall or CP and eat. But she suggested that we write a book together. It will be nice.  3. A very soothing evening with my friend. It was very pleasant, mainly because he told me about his day that was bereft of struggle, and easy. It felt so good to live, even if vicariously, someone's smoothened existence. My life is feeling too rocky now. Too many cracked and sharp edges. Just listening to his day felt nice.   Writing this compulsively helps.

 First get harassed by some creep on the road. Then some other creep who comes as a Swiggy delivery man. Then a bad bad stomach ache. THEN a call from someone I can't stand. Then some bizarre work stuff. And it's still not done. Meeting a friend later tonight to drum up some content for his business.  You know what I can't stand anymore? This thought process that writing is an easy job. That it's simple.  Really. I've HAD it. 

 So, it's over. The beginning of one more week.  An invoice got cleared today. So tomorrow I will go and get fancy groceries.  I think I am really doing a lot at work. So I treated myself to gobhi manchurian today. I love gobhi manchurian. I prefer it to veg manchurian. I had it with some long grained rice. It was very tasty. But I am feeling a little queasy now.  I was really unwell last night and this morning. I think I coughed up blood but can't say. I am in such a dense fog of sleep in the morning that I don't realise what is real and what is imagination. The thing is that lately a couple of friends and a guest had come over who all smoked a lot. And I had forgotten how sensitive I am to cigarette smoke. This exact same thing used to happen to me in Pune and in Noida, I was living with someone who smoked all the time. No wonder I was miserable. I was feeling so sick that I thought I will leave for Vashi. But my father and brother turned up. That was really nice. ...

 A friend was free and we decided to go to Granth in Juhu. Now Juhu is not really that far from Bandra but I cannot explain the relief I felt. I think I have been in the house or just going around this neighborhood for so long that some kind of weird uneasiness was gripping my mind about traveling to a different suburb. It was so lusciously rich to be in a bookstore. There's a line by Voltaire where he says, "Some thoughts are like prayers. No matter what the position of the body, the soul is on its knees." I felt that...that complete absolute gratitude of something so pure as a place that houses books. Okay, so they are for sale...still. I bought a book and we decided to walk towards Juhu beach. It was so bizarre and awful! The sea was mighty and plush with roar and tide. The strip of adjacent beach was empty. There were long stretches of large, thick ropes separating throngs of crowd from getting onto the beach. Cops with large sticks and walkie-talkies were pushing bac...

 It's a nice Sunday. Weather is good. Already had a work call with a friend. Scheduled another work call in the evening with a client who has become a friend recently. So feeling productive. I really love working on projects like these.  Today is Friendship Day. Also the beginning of August. I was quite excited about that because at least the halfway mark for the year is done.  I miss my mummy a lot. She was my best friend. If I had an empty evening and wanted to go shopping or a movie or a coffee with someone, she was always my first pick. She was always my mum, of course, wanting combed hair before anything else. But she was so much fun...all kindness and snarky statements on the ready.  I don't think I ever bought new clothes for myself without buying something for mom. And she did the same. And then we would wear our new threads and head out...even if it was to Hypercity and then stop at Starbucks for coffee. Today I was going through the sale on Ajio. There's so...