Chiffonesque

 I slept through the whole day today after an early morning meeting. Woke up a couple of times to eat a bowl of day-old biryani. Did 100 counts of climbers run or whatever that thing is called. Smeared some leftover paint on a sheet of whitepaper.  Then felt sick, very weak. Head started spinning. Slept.  Hathras. Didn't want to wake up. Couldn't work today. Don't feel like working tomorrow.  That's it.

 

 Today I worked on two things - one turned out good and the other turned out crappy.  Not feeling too good. I really, really need a break.  Anyway, what's done is done. Tomorrow we will see what happens. Will try to soothe down with some things that I enjoyed today: 1. Homemade sabudana vada 2. At least the stuff I had on my plate got done 3. Did manage to meditate 4. Would have been far more upset about something but I did lose my cool. It wasn't too bad. 5. Had a shake/ smoothie with almond milk, bananas and custard apple. (Sometimes I feel dizzy from the lack of sleep, I think. This helps.) 6. Everybody I know and am fond of - family and friends - are alive and healthy...as in COVID-free. 7. Gave in and ordered a dress today. Just woke up feeling low and angry and saw this pretty lavender dress on www bhaane.com, marked down by 50 percent. Ordered it. Not really nice I guess since I had promised myself that I wouldn't do that. But it's okay. Will give away some cloth...

Nivyunsh looked around the house. It was big and pale green. If you lived inside a smooth, sickly algae, maybe that's what it would look like. He had come to meet Drehaji, a man who apparently could give people something that helped matters. He didn't know what he exactly needed help with or what Drehaji could give him - but it was apparently very important to the folks at home. Evertime his parents told him about this thing, they coughed blood and started crying. It must be important, except that Nivyush could not even remember the name of what that was. Still he sat there with greasy thumb prints on an old tie. He had to get home to his colony in 30 minutes. This tie was borrowed from the drunken neighborhood tailor and it had to be returned soon.  Drehaji walked in and smiled at Nivyunsh.  "Hello." Nivyush stood up and smiled. "Hello sir." "So, you want a job?" Nivyunsh blinked. He wanted what? Oh yes - a job. That's what his family was givi...

I really put myself through the wringer for the assignment that I just finished. Whew! Now lots of hard work from tomorrow as well.  But it's work I am excited about and slightly terrified of. I have a feeling that this period, although taxing, is preparing me for something else, something big. Really need my strength. Squirted colour all around on paper to just get the angst and knots out of my head and heart and journaled some, went for a longer walk than usual, are Indianised pasta, meditated a little.  So tired and spent. But...really...this one assignment felt monumental!  (That's my squirty squeezy stuff.)      

It's feeling nauseous and claustrophobic now. Too much to do and very little will to commit to anything. Don't want to spiral into this scene where I don't really do anything or think anything. It's likely to happen though.  Anyway, if it does, will just chalk it down to one of those days. Waiting to see how this day turns out.  Feels shitty right about now. 

 It was raining really hard and it was pitch dark. The park was empty. The dogs had scooted out and were sleeping in the cabanas outside the park and I was there because - well, you do some things to feel alive. But I started feeling afraid before I started feeling alive.  The lake was grey, placid, and menacing. I could see outlines of frogs of all sizes hopping about, the trees and the marsh was overrun with trees, bushes, and leaves and branches that looked more muscular than I remembered them. The fishermen weren't there so there were no reassuring sightings of the net or warm light from the lanterns. There was one streetlamp that was flickering. Clouds of mosquitoes whizzed strong. From a distance, they actually looked like pretty winged constellation. The mud squelched. My stomach was a litte tight. Mouth a little dry. Increased the volume of the music I was listening to. Walked forward towards the boggy darkness. Walked into it.  There's a stretch that is as menaci...

 It feels as if a conscience is a very expensive thing to own. It costs you a lot. Anyway, I a feeling so exhausted with whatever has been going on. But maybe it's best that I write about some happy things. I made it for a walk today. The best part is that I found my old pair of Zara shorts made of distressed denim. I'd bought this ages ago in Pune with my mum. I'd bought this and a very soft, cozy black and white polka dot tee-shirt. It had long sleeves and a wide boatneck so you could wear it slightly off-the-shoulder as well. The chicest part was that it had a zip at the back. It wasn't really quired because the top itself was flowy and cut really loose. It was so cozy. I used to wear it on flights all the time. Then I wore it to go jogging. Then I wore it to bed. Then it got holes and I kept it away somewhere.  The shorts are really smart though. I like denim shorts with distressed details. I like distressed denim overall. Maximum two small rips, preferably at the k...

 It was a good, good Sunday. Got a nice, long massage from the Urban Clap lady. She was really good and very sweet. I had been feeling low on energy and sore for a while. So the shoulder and back massage was really something. As she worked on me, I could feel bunches of tense, little knots. Then she massaged my head. She told me that I should always get my head massaged last after my body has calmed down. Because I store a lot in and around my head space, apparently. I asked if this is something they learn in massage school. She said that this was something her grandmum, who was a midwife, had told her. All people usually live disconnected lives. Some are not connected to their minds. Others live predominantly in their head space and don't inhabit their body. So one must first massage and calm down the part that offers lesser resistance. I don't know how she could make her 'diagnosis' of me within 2-3 minutes but it felt good, light, deep. It felt like you're floati...

 Here's a recap of my day. The contract with that clause that I had a contention with? That deal is off.  So I was contemplating who I should contact for work. Then I realized that I was planning to take the rest of the year off. This would require me to get my other invoices cleared. One of which involves working on a portal that I can't figure out how to use. This portal has a Help section that is a study unto itself. I was so mesmerized by it. Spent a lot of time just looking through those Help pages for recreation. Doesn't say much about me, am sure. But I was fascinated. I had to call someone up to figure out that portal today but I got another email with some documents and a cryptic message, "Go through these. Then we'll talk." So I got distracted. Then I got another message where a person I am working with asked me if I could submit something tomorrow instead of Saturday. This person has been straightforward and responsive. So of course I would oblige. ...

 1. Had another call with the legal team of the company I was discussing the non-competition clause with. I could feel my stomach burn with anger. Had to keep calming myself down. They are doing their jobs. My security and well-being is my responsibility. I thought it was fairly obvious that the dye was set. It wasn't working out. I was going to end the call and they said...but wait. Let us discuss. We will revert. When I was younger I would have been chuffed about this. "Oh look! I am so important. They are waiting for me." Now I am not. This has nothing to do with me. They have their policies and culture. They wanted someone who is now not belonging there. Is this worth the inconvenience? 2. Meanwhile I started on another smaller assignment. It felt so good! It was fairly basic but I do feel that after every 5 years or so, experienced people must go back to the fundamentals. If nothing else, to scrub off the jadedness.  3. Today the cook had made 3 of my favourite dishe...

Today was quite peaceful. I had to wrap up some work in the morning, which I did. I had to sign some papers for work that would begin tomorrow but the non-disclosure clause was really restrictive. I cannot afford to sign these exclusive contracts with companies that also bar people from working with your competition for 2 years after concluding the contract. Well, they are paying well. But it is not going to wor out in the long run, given how quickly I start feeling suffocated about such things. Anyway, I told them that I possibly could not negotiate with them about this. The HR person was really sweet though. He said that he is trying his best to see how this goes. I had refused another offer for this contract and the HR person was aware of this. So he said what he could do. It'll all work itself out, am sure.  Otherwise, I take the break I want for the rest of the year.  Then I spoke with another friend. It was such a delight! She is in Pune now (having traveled from Bangalo...

Today while journaling, I was reminded by something I had promised myself some time ago...to actually take full and complete responsibility for myself. This included what I felt, what I thought, how I behaved, etc. And since yesterday, my temper has been really high. I have been in spirals of temper so often in life that I really don't want to go down that road. So getting annoyed with Indian companies and how they behave is only going to lead ulcers for me.  This taking full responsibility is quite inconvenient actually. You can't blame anyone else for how they make you feel. They will be what they will be. How you feel is how much you allowed them to affect you. I don't even know why I set that goal for myself. It's not feeling good now. Also, it can be argued that I am still not self-sufficient yet. I still take up work from these companies. And I still do them. So it is my choice. (Of course when the unfairness is so endemic, I wonder how much 'choice' one h...

As it turns out, there is a section that is not affected by the pandemic - the freelancers. You see, all kinds of companies and big businesses have been hit adversely. So they really need to negotiate with a freelancer for the last penny, and of course, paying an advance is out of the question. And paying immediately after delivery is a "Surely, you're joking" situation.  Although the grave Coronavirus has affected corporate India, the freelance populace continues to live a sweet, innocent pandemic-free world where money is not required for a transaction. Let's say feedback is delayed by 5 days or 10 days or 20 or who knows, how much time. As a freelancer you don't need to know because your time, effort, and energy is the dissipating, amorphous stuff that Russian scientists observe in somber Netflix series. (It's there - but not really.) So,let's say, in those 10 or 20 days or candy-floss infinity, the freelancer goes to the market to buy vegetables or med...

I had just written three paragraphs complaining about something but...not required. This evening, I connected with a college friend of mine. She had loaned me the book, "The Innovator's Dilemma" by Clayton Christesen years ago. I haven't been able to read it. That's the one thing I am really worried about - I haven't been able to read a book since ages. But one lives in hope. So I just started this. Let's see.  I like reading the Prefaces and acknowledgments of books. It takes a lot for someone to start and finish writing a book. I have bee trying so hard to get that done. Okay, maybe not trying 'hard'...but trying for a long time. When I had moved to Bangalore, my deal was to use my resources to not take up work for 8 months to a year, live simply, and write something.  Well, that didn't happen.  Anyway, soon. Actually, I am thinking that next year, around June, I will start the book. Rather I will finish the book that I started in Pune. My he...

A lot of the target audience for this blog is from Russia. I don't know why. Or maybe I am reading the analytics wrong but I don't think so. I see a table with audience details and Russia is on top.  Actually long back, when I had first started this blog, maybe a century ago when Maruti was making cars people still considered buying, my audience was Indian, of course. As I became more regular, I noticed that the audience was Russian. I am intrigued now as I was then. I don't think anyone from India is a regular reader...other than a certain Kolkata-based agency that sends me spam mails on whether I want escort services. The mailer itself is a little freaky. It says that it has all kinds of sophisticated escorts, for business discussions included. So...are these escorts the same kind of escorts that I am thinking about? Or maybe not. Maybe these people equipped with business acumen.  When you see a mail like this... sitting with other mails from a bank, a makeup brand, etc.,...

 Taking a break for a couple of hours before getting back to work. Have been losing my cool with Papa and really not liking it. Anyway, when it burns like this, thought I would list a few things and memories that soothe me: 1. Chat with my friend, J. With the weirdest suggestions of movies, jokes that she forgets the punchline of, songs whose lyrics she bungles up without fail, travel destinations that I will gladly go to with her, even if I don't know where they are. 2. The one cup of coffee that my father makes for me. 3. How Ma and I would go to Taj Lands end for white jasmine tea and coconut cookies. We would go in the evening, sit by the window and look at rains lashing at the city. The palm trees would sway with such fierceness that you think they would slash the pink and purple evening sky. Slowly the lights in the atrium would come on. The piano man would come, smile at us, and sit down and play. 4. A baby's sweet powder-puffy head and chubby cheeks and firm and happy g...

 Today the morning began with a friend telling me about a lady's young son who had been suffering for a while. He was raising money for him. His mother used to tend to ailing elderly people (that's how I had met her... when I was looking for someone for my Ma). But she had lost her job due to COVID. Her other kids were out of work as well. I was expecting an invoice to be cleared but the company I had worked for (a small company) told me that the project was put on hold and they would arrange for my dues to be cleared soon. But I have worked with them and I like one of the two people I worked with. And also in times like this, it is important to remember why I started. To work towards building an alternative system that works well, is nourishing. I just got the feeling that I would have to write this off for now. One of those two people had been good to me and was willing to be good to me. The other place I was expecting money from...well, let's just say that money is stuck...

Conducted an introductory session on something work-related yesterday. It was nice but I don't know why it left me very exhausted. I had planned to work yesterday but I did some browsing for work and then went for a walk before meeting a friend.  The walk was so nice! There were so many people, kids, and dancers. There's a place in the park that has a section where people work out, etc. There were nearly seven groups of young dancers with their music systems. They were blaring their respective music and dancing. I don't know how they even kept track of the music and their beats but they did it. I was telling this to a friend and she said that it is easy to keep track of music if you practice o something. Sometimes I find her a little contrarian. Whatever I say, she will always something to explain another point of view. That exhausted me more. So I hung up. Also, because another friend was picking me up and were going to for a short drive. In the car, my friend (who's a...

There you were At dawn and dusk Playing music with the fire Braiding shadows With hibiscus petals And tossing them into the pyre There you were When the moon dissolved Into a cup of lemon tea There you stood With the strength of a child Both seen-unseen to me There you carved out New, wise words From dusty dirt-trail stones There you gave me A lexicon for all those Beautiful, empty homes Into the light, into the joy, You went in, not returning, But with distorted time and twisted tune The pyre still stands burning.

 It's a Saturday and I have to finish three assignments and get started on a fourth. Hopefully it will leave me some time to go for a walk in the evening or dress up and go meet a friend. Papa made me a nice cup of coffee with almond milk (I am trying to be vegan). Then he made his glass of karela slices in hot water. He has asked me to try that forever now and I have stubbornly refused. So now he sits in the living room reading a paper and I sit at my dining table looking around. Outside the front part of my house, there's a huge moneyplant. Our old family help had planted that years ago, easily 20 or 30 years before. The leaves of that money plant are humungous but in a sweet benign way. Their dominion across the window sill is steady, unyielding but easy. No force there, no strain, no tension. It saw space, it grew. Outside the kitchen window, one sees the leaves of the guava tree. The tree has become so massive that it's branches spread across the width of the window an...

It was a good walk this evening. I was listening to some really peppy, cheery music. I was listening to Taylor Swift after maybe 10 years! A song called 'Me'. She had once sung that on the Graham Norton show. I just love Graham Norton! He really is the finest chat show host in my opinion... Anyway Swift was wearing this lush, plum-purple fringe dress that was so gorgeous! And because I loved the dress, I loved the song.  I did some work today. It was okay. A lot of calls. But they were good. Both calls were kind of collaboration calls which is so refreshing. I like that... Usually I am an individual contributor in a project and since my vibe is usually to not engage with more than 3 interactions a week, I work on my ideas on my own. But I like collaborating on ideas... It was my goal that this stint in my freelance career, I would work with new people...people who didn't know anything about me. I finished a couple of gigs with strangers. They were interesting. And now it...