Until that happens

Today while journaling, I was reminded by something I had promised myself some time ago...to actually take full and complete responsibility for myself. This included what I felt, what I thought, how I behaved, etc. And since yesterday, my temper has been really high. I have been in spirals of temper so often in life that I really don't want to go down that road. So getting annoyed with Indian companies and how they behave is only going to lead ulcers for me. 

This taking full responsibility is quite inconvenient actually. You can't blame anyone else for how they make you feel. They will be what they will be. How you feel is how much you allowed them to affect you. I don't even know why I set that goal for myself. It's not feeling good now.

Also, it can be argued that I am still not self-sufficient yet. I still take up work from these companies. And I still do them. So it is my choice. (Of course when the unfairness is so endemic, I wonder how much 'choice' one has.) So I am now thinking why I took up the work I did. They weren't paying enough, they weren't being fair about the terms...then why? 

Truth be told, in all these cases I trusted three things:

1. The intrinsic value of the assignment itself. See, when you write...even when you write commissioned work for commerce, there comes a point in your writing where it is distilled purity. The best version of you is communing with the best part of the business. I could be crap and the people I am working for may be crap, but for that segment of the project, we harmonize our goodness to make something together. It really feels like a warm, honest smile in a war-torn land. It feels nice. 

2. The people I engaged with. Most are new and some I have known from before. I feel that irrespective of how many rough experiences one may have, how many times your judgement may fail you, or how many times you feel let down, when you engage with someone, you must go full tilt with an open heart. It's not fair for the other party to take on the heavy lifting of building your trust. Lord knows I have had quite a strenuous time working with companies who have had bad experience with freelancers and then project all their fears and insecurities on me. It's like dating someone still hung up on their ex, waiting for someone new to dislodge the painful memories and fill them with joy. Unless one is willing to be vulnerable again, how will it happen? Whoever I engaged with, I just got the sense that they are solid, good souls. They just happen to be part of a system where their own sense of fairness cannot outweigh company policy. I recognise that. It is one reason why I decided to get out when I did. I knew that I was not strong enough to withstand what the system would ultimately make of me. I would become exactly what I disliked. (And if I am not careful now, if I get too irritated or angry with how things are, I will behave exactly the same way in future.)

You can't outrun hate.

3. Myself. I trusted myself. My gut, my instinct. There were two assignments and two people, especially, I got the sense that for better or for worse, the association will be impactful for me. Either it will build me up or it will break me down. But if you have signed up for transformation, then you go with however the chips may fall.

And this instinct rewards you in strange ways. This one lady who I worked with...man, she was such an experience. I really had not met anyone as tough as her. Anyway, one way or the other, I concluded the project. And she called me and said, "Thanks for being such an annoying person in my team." I was going to argue about the word 'annoying' but in all honesty, I couldn't refute that. But what I heard was "...part of my team., not..."...part of the project." Made me smile. I gruffly said, "I liked working with her marginally." We both laughed and hung up. 

And sometimes one puts up a lot for that, you know...a warm smile in a war-torn land.

Still...I just wish things were a little bit more fair.