Chiffonesque

For 2017, I have decided to plough through the 150 books on my shelf. Read some, re-read some others, maybe be stoic about getting through the titles I picked up because I desperately wanted to improve myself, etc. Anyway, here's the list and I have decided that, from this list, I will mainly read fiction and an interesting book on history: 1.        ‘The Alienist’ by Caleb Carr 2.        Gather together in my name by Maya Angelou 3.        Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins 4.        Seducing the demon, Writing for y life by Erica Jong 5.        Mumbai Noir – edited by Altaf Tyrewaala 6.        Blink by Malcolm Gladwell 7.        The Fifth Horseman by Larry Collins and Dominique Lapierre 8.        The Kept Woman and other stories by K...

Worked solidly today but there was some unanticipated work. So there is unfinished business to take care of tomorrow. Lots of it but that's okay. I think I will just sit down and make a schedule. It will be good. I'm having a really great feeling about how this year will end and how 2017 will pan out. Got my car for a spin today and it was gorgeous. (My car was in Bombay all this while. I got it now and it's scrumptious.) Mom is here so we went to Peter Donuts for an after-dinner coffee. Wore my chocolate brown, cotton off-shoulder top from H&M in Pune. Looked pretty nice. There are lots of books to read. Tons of nice clothes that I suddenly unearthed from my cupboard. Have planned an excellent New Year's eve with pasta and mushrooms and some kind of a wild salad. And maybe a nice, healthy dessert - I'm thinking something involving jaggery. Life's good!

And every day I will create something that I love. Nothing else is as important as this.

It was so much fun waking up with a couple of friends in the house. We had coffee and chatted and then they both left. It's good to have friendship and companionship I think. Intend to make time for more of this in life. But for the next few years, it ill be work over everything else. December is ending and there are still a few days left. Wonder what kind of magic unfolds. I do think, though, that something sparkly will happen.

A Christmas party was had. Two of my friends are sleeping in the home while I sip some coffee and type this out before I begin working on an assignment. It was a quietish party. Got in touch with a couple of pals from my earlier workplace. A pal from Bombay came over. My really sweet neighbor loaned me her fir tree and we snazzed it up with all sorts of tinsel.  A handsome, golden reindeer was stuck at the bottom of the tree, there were tiny snowmen in top hats, pretty angels suspended from branches., and a swirl of the glittering, green streamer around the tree and its branches. People came in. It was a last minute do so there were people who came in and there were those who couldn't make it. There were some more who declined. So, for a moment when I was pouring out the wine and warming slices of plum cake, I wondered if this too was destiny. Who comes, who stays away. As I write all this now - a cold draft coming in through the windows, a hot cup of coffee, the home silent and...

24th December. Roses and candles on the table along with wine glasses. Spotted a centipede crossing a dark, dusty path on the way to buy port. Spicy daal, rice, and koftas made with banana flowers followed by wine. Friend visits. Neighbor lends us a tree. Wore a magenta top and a pair of blue pants. Thought I looked good. Also shampooed hair. Felt very princess-y. Nice plum cake. With lots of deep affection to everyone who's reading this - Merry Christmas!

It's feeling a little hard today. it's feeling a little too emotional. I'm glad Ma is coming. For right now, there is a cup of tepid tea, uneaten breakfast, and slight fever. Am sure it will pass. Inhale. Exhale. Smile.

It is interesting how one can have such sharp ups and downs not moving out of the house. I suppose it was an interesting day. Ending it now with a deep appreciation of my hibiscus plant. It blooms strong and orange. It is peeking out of the balcony, seeking out a world where other heroes bloom too. I was away for over a month and my maid didn't water my plants. But the flowers have thrived. The hibiscus has grown and it is so pretty and cheery that I want to cuddle it to sleep. I felt really down in the evening. Then I felt happy. Then I felt hurt again. But looking at the hibiscus, I feel peace. My beautiful, orange, soft-petaled blissful plant of be-ness.

I’ve found that it's of some help to think of one's moods and feelings about the world as being similar to weather: Here are some obvious things about the weather: It's real. You can't change it by wishing it away. If it's dark and rainy it really is dark and rainy and you can't alter it.  It might be dark and rainy for two weeks in a row. BUT It will be sunny one day. It isn't under one's control as to when the sun comes out, but come out it will.  One day. - Stephen Fry

Today I spilled a lot of milk in the kitchen. I was also pretty careless in other areas in the kitchen. Left a pan on a lit stove for too long until something started to burn. Very grateful that nothing more serious happened. Wore a red silk top that I quite liked. It is slightly ruffled at the neck, has buttons at the back, and has a splotchy print in black. Looks like a dressed up Rorschach pattern. Had a great conversation with a friend this morning. Such harsh voices yelling into the night. 

Today was a good day. Had gone for a swell bike ride yesterday and came back home to some wine and veggie cutlets. This morning, went to an office for some work. Then returned to a great lunch with a friend. We went to a place called 'Urban Foundry' close by and it was so nice! I loved their masala omlette and their watermelon and feta cheese salad. It was a great afternoon. My friend and I spent a couple of hours and when we stepped out, it was early evening. The light was gorgeous and my friend took me to show his new home. It was right on the other side of Pune - and one could see pretty, pale, grey hills along the way. Came back home and slept off a little bit. Felt full. A little sad. A little empty. And so ready for the gentle passing on of the year.

Some days have lapsed and I haven't written. Very systematically then, here are the main things that stand out in my head: 1. I have come to Pune to celebrate, live in, and appreciate my beautiful home some more during this excellent time of the year. 2. I walked from the bus stop to my house, which is a good 40 minute walk. Bought a white carnation and a bottle of Port wine. A friend was coming to stay over and I thought we could dwell on the soft luscious petals of the flower and have port. We had port. No-one dwelt on the flower. 3. As soon as I stepped in, I was filled with so much beatific goodness. It felt so peaceful and joyous. A giant hibiscus grew in my balcony and the plant with the mandarin oranges had erupted with a dozen citric suns. Excellent signs. 4. Then I stepped into the bathroom of the master bedroom and had a heart attack. There was a huge pigeon that fluttered so hard that it almost broke the mirror. It had made a nest on the floor and I was shocked....

It was a beautiful evening yesterday. Met up with a friend at Nariman Point and we went to Theos first, the terrace of Sea Palace next (which is fabulous, by the way) and finished off with coffee at Starbucks. I had taken the train to and from Vashi and a local is so much better than the metro. Or maybe that's how I like it - anything open over anything closed. :-) I remember being in Goa with someone. We were having a beverage in a posh place. This person told me how excellent it was to be sitting in front of a beautiful infinity pool. How nice to be able to afford all that so that you could avoid being on the beach and the polluted ocean. I longed for that smelly ocean though. It was an ocean. Anyway, while returning, it was close to midnight and I stood by the door. The train picked up speed and there is this part in the local train journeys that I love - when it feels like you are hurtling down down a ear canal or something and you'll suddenly stop when you have lodged...

I had a good day today. 1. My father told me that he loves me. I don't know why he said it. Came from nowhere and as usual, I was awkward and shuffled out of the room. But now, looking back at my day, it feels good. Always a good day when you hear that you are loved. 2. Went for a walk this evening after 3 days of glutting. 3. Got some juicy writing work. 4. Had a cool conversation with someone who I will possibly be working with. 5. Finished work pretty early but will get started again soon. 6. Came across a list of books I want!

Texted my landlord that I am moving out by mid next month. So distracted that I am not able to focus on a few screens that I ought to be designing. Wrote a script for a commercial and it was good. Not too much feedback on the first version so wrapped it up quick. Got a call from a friend and we are possibly meeting up day after for a night on the town. Then there are a million things to do through the night. Have already asked for an extension of the submission date. Argument with family so now I am sitting in a separate room.  Some travel plans are being made - one to Ladakh and the other to Rann. Let's see which ones work out. Anyway, one day at a time. One breath at a time.

I intend to hang out with different people - people with ambition. Even if they are slightly ruthless and slightly hard. I think I've had enough of a life being soft and sensitive. And I've definitely had enough of being around people talking stuff like 'it's good to have balance' and 'work is not life and life is more than work' and all that stuff that has started sounding like shit. No. For at least the next 365 days, I'll let ambition have its way.

Over the weekend, caught up with my friends over lunch at a Japanese restaurant, Kofuku. It's a nice place and we ate a lot. Was meeting my friends after a really long time and it felt...I don't know...a little ghostly. It felt like I was watching a play of shadows on cane curtains and that play involved me meeting friends from long ago. It didn't feel real. For a  long time, I felt very...woolly and gauzy. Very disconnected. I couldn't even imagine why I'd have ever bonded with this group years ago. (We go back a long way, over ten years.) I don't know when specifically my feelings changed but I think, as far as I was concerned, it had. In fact, I was the first one at the restaurant and while I waited, it felt like I'd paid for a ticket to a show and the drama would begin. And the reviews were ambivalent. Somewhere amongst all the talk about food and cities and someone's new project or questioning on why i am not on what's app or whatever, somethin...

Finished work on time and was wondering how to unwind now. It would be nice to go for coffee or a film but I do have a deadline tomorrow and I think I should be rested. I think maybe I will just write my diary tonight. Had a really weird dream yesterday about a few things not going right. I don't remember the specifics but I woke up with a feeling of discomfort and dissatisfaction. There is a woman who comes to sweep the room at 5 a.m. That is how early people come in to work in Bombay. She is just so irritating. Or actually no. She is not irritating. She is just early, punctual, noisy, and can't speak Hindi. I hate waking up in a foul mood. Anyway, I am usually short of sleep and my eye has been hurting so I feel I will just write for a bit or since I am writing here, I'll just watch Friends and sleep off. LinkedIn informs me that I have completed one year of being an independent writer. Interestingly lots of people have congratulated me on that. :-) Most of them I do...

1. Finished my work on time yesterday. 2. Went for a walk yesterday without music. Didn't feel like running. 3. Ate a lot yesterday. Lot of red rice and spicy soyabean curry. 4. Had a great conversation with a friend. 5. Feeling a little frustrated and upset about something. I wonder if there is ever any way to end all struggle with the self.

I was thinking about what needed to be understood about things. Why they happen? How do you wait? How do you wait? Yes. That'san important question. How do you wait?

1. I heard somewhere yesterday that music listened to at 432 Hertz is good for meditation. I loved this piece: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AgDvrr47HM&t=5s. There is something to the statement, I feel. The heart opens up. 2. I'd gone running later than usual yesterday. It was so good except that the dogs that come out late at night seemed pretty bemused with imposters like me. Eh. It;s fun to run keeping on eye on the crescent moon. 3. There was very tasty dinner prepared last night - a spicy bessan  curry, daal, and gobhi-aloo . 4. I downloaded an app called 'Bliss'. Lives up to its name. Very pretty. Like it. 5. I never used to work to music earlier but soft piano instrumentals are really nice.

In 2017, I intend to have a different life. Very different life. There will certainly be new people and new projects. And there will be some furious writing. I will interact with very very few people and I will focus on the quality of my interactions. I have a set of text books that I will read and summarize. One of them is a book on Trade and History that I bought from Chicago. Another is a text book on Research methodology that was prescribed reading in my graduation. That is good. Also, I definitely intend to establish some form of a very strong creative collaboration. This I am very particular about.

I see this life and raise it to wolf.

At around 12 today, I got SO SO bored with Facebook. It was sickening. So I closed that down and opened this instead and am typing. Now I'm stuck. I don't know what to type on about. Maybe I will write about the work I am procrastinating about (what is the correct preposition to go on here?) By the way, I just took a break and finished off that work. Yesterday, I read an article on M.K. Gandhi's last day. It was written by his grandson, Tushar Gandhi. While reading it, it struck me that it is quite the ultimate privilege - to have the details of your last day recorded. Tushar writes about the meal that Gandhi ate before his death - two limes, three amlas , some curd, some juice, a little daal . He was recovering from a fast at the time/ He had spoken with Nehru. There were agitations outside the Birla house. They were chanting, "Let Gandhi die."  Nehru, who was visiting Gandhi at the time, lunged towards the mob in anger. The mob dispersed.  Tushar writes abo...

I watched Kahaani today and I loved it. Vidya Balan is very good, of course, and the story is a tough one to tell. But it's navigated skilfully. Also, I loved the way the film is shot. It's...so atmospheric. You imagine the cold air of Kalimpong or the musty air of Kolkata stuck to Vidya Balan's sarees as she moves through the story. There's a scene where she's sitting huddled in her little room in Kalimpong, lights switched off, eyes wide open in fear, face streaked with tears - when her lover knocks on the door outside. He's come to say goodbye. She doesn't open the door. That moment, to me, felt really powerful. It's amazing how much darkness can be around you when you make that choice that will take you to the sun. You don't know when and how. You just go with your gut that there may be light somewhere.

What does an emotional wound look like?

1. Filled one invoice yesterday. 2. Had a skirmish regarding a timeline. 3. Surprised myself by being a little calm about a discussion. 4. Noticed a couple of serendipities. 5. Nursed a bad headache and a bad back. 6. Tried to do planks. Did 120 seconds with breaks. That perhaps caused the back to be bad. 7. Not that I had anything to do with it but November ended.