355

 Well, it has been a lazy hazy day and I was supposed to have been working on two projects. I did some partial work on one of them. A friend's mom passed on. This obviously caused some panic so I called up home. Papa did not pick up the phone. That also caused me some fear and irritation. But in any case, got through the day today.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well and I spoke to him. He sounded happy. Sometimes I marvel at him - he is in such a good mood so often. That is a precious trait!

2. I will have to visit my friend's mom again tomorrow. I had not factored in this in the schedule but it needs to be done so I will do it. 

3. In a chat with someone, I realized that one of the things that is actually blocking my life progress is a lack of patience. And in a discussion I heard about the first part of the Durga Saptashati, it was covered that a battle with the self is futile. You can't win. You will need to understand the motivations, bring the pain into awareness, and from that rough and tumble of all that chaos, you may find a way out. I actually don't think that my anger or lack of patience are problems. I feel that they are guarding me against some important dangers. But maybe sometimes, the ammo can be laid down. When I think about what bothers me most - it is fakeness. When I look back at some people I had met and hung out earlier in the year - people who I had worked with before - I could not put my finger on what was annoying me. Much later - with the shoddy job they did, their lack of accountability - I realized that a lot of what they said and did was fake. They would pretend to be skilled and qualified at something when they were not. When they found themselves out of depth in a project, they did not reach out and learn about it. When directions were given to them, they did not follow them because they felt that they knew stuff. But all the while, they would make these fake noises like, "Oh yes, I am open to learning." They were not open to learning. Now also, when things are going tough and you get an email from someone senior saying. "That was a good job or a good effort." - it means nothing because that person has no clue what the job entails. That is just lip service. I don't like fake. That is what makes me angry. But maybe those people don't realize they are fake and plastic. They may be pleased that their plastic-type persona is truth. Anyway - in the talk on Durga Saptashati today, the lens was to observe who we are and not blame the other people and the environment. When one judges and labels and (inevitably) hates, then we do not understand. The 'isness' is important to observe. So here I am observing the 'isness' of my anger. This year I will observe and overcome that. 

4. I am also grateful that I found another area that I need to work on. It is my sleep pattern. It is 4:30 in the morning and I have not slept. This has been a pattern for a long time. I think I need to examine myself closelt - why can't I get sleep?

5. The Nabeel attar is just so good! Very very nice! That was a blind buy and an excellent one!

354

 I slept off yesterday but wanted to write quickly about all the wonderful things that happened yesterday.

1. Had gone to meet Papa yesterday. He is well. It's always lovely to see him. His foot was not so good but he is doing okay.

2. I had also gone to visit a friend's mum who is by herself because my friend is traveling. She was also well. We watched a series on the TV - it was a Live Stream of a village somewhere in the North East where a woman cooks with farm-grown vegetables. We see her make pork and jute leaves, some yummy saag with masoor daal. She serves it on a peetal thali with bowls. Her little daughter and husband sit on the floor of their mud hut and eat. It was so wholesome - the scopping out of seeds and cucumbers, tempering of freshly picked curry leaves in deep golden mustard oil...beautiful.

3. The cab driver to Vashi had to break his fast for Ramzaan. He knew that he would be mid-way when the time to break his roza would arrive so he had stocked up. When he parked on the side of the road to eat, he gave me a bar of vanilla-filled custard cake. It was eggless. So sweet! God bless his young heart and spirit.

4. On the way returning from Vashi to Bandra, I had a small accident. It was okay. It was late but I was not hurt. That itself is okay.

5. Have a home to return to. It is clean and safe. There's water, there's space, there's clean linen, there's wi-fi, there's a gorgeous view overlooking the city. Yes - there's much to be pleased about.

Elypse

 She sat and sipped her magic potion by the light of the last candle. Outside the meteor showers landed on the neighbors balcony, rendering everything a petrochemical medley of swirling colors. Her potion was tepid now but she could tap it with a nail and make it cold. She could hum over it and boil the water. When she poured it out of the wooden case, letters and numbers had tumbled out. She picked out each one of them and fed them to a milga - a peacock and wolf mix - sitting near her. The milga stared at her - as if trying to locate the amethyst in her dark, burned heart. 

The inevitable would happen. The last meteor would stripe the sky. A beaten sun would rise. The milga would pounce on her and kill her. She'd made her peace with that. 

She sipped on her potion even more slowly now. She wanted to leave her name behind at the bottom of the glass. 

353

 A weird sort of day today. A project was put on hold and a lot of people were released. Some of them are really good - am sure they will land on their feet.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Got my new spectacles today.

3. Enjoyed the movie 'His three daughters' on Netflix.

4. Had really tasty banana chips.

5. Enjoyed the rajma.

352

Not wearing spectacles and the vision is blurry. How much wrong is there in the world? Sometimes I wonder if we could take a step back and just quietly audit this - to get a grasp on the quantum of violence and pain we are surrounded with and capable of - maybe all that wounded up spirit will be exposed to the sun and get disinfected. Things are painful. Things are very painful. And people will sit and watch. No wonder impotency is on the rise. 

I once met someone in an office who told me he had gone to an office party where a young female colleague was getting hassled by a few people. It was late and she though she would leave. She stayed close to this guy's house. This guy was married. He could have easily dropped her but he didn't because his wife would get jealous and what if the woman filed some false accusation on him etc. So he drove home while this girl waited in the dark for her cab. She didn't wait inside the hotel because those other people were there. This guy left and he later told me this story to tell me how careful 'Indian men' had to be nowadays. Yes - I suppose you have to be careful as a man when you have no balls left. Is that what marriage makes you now? This kind of a conventional wimp who sucks on status quo? And this emasculation is supposed to give one 'security'?

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. There was food to eat and water to drink.

3. Went to the gym today. Did not do a whole lot of workut but did it.

4. Both help came today.

5. Got a chance to do some other work today.

351

 Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Feel really comfortable and chic in my white kurta.

3. Really enjoying the Naeel fragrance from Ajmal.

4. Got through the day and various calls.

5. Had poshto today. Papa's chef had sent me. So tasty.

6. Found my kombucha bottle.

,7. Got some clarity about something today. Now I need to have the guts to power through it. 

349, 350

 It is exhausting. Life really is exhausting and the expenses just don't get over. My phone broke, my specs got rubbished, and now I am out of 40k. In a matter of 30 minutes. Sometimes I feel that if I didn't work for myself, I would not earn enough to tackle my destiny.

Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. 

2. Got through a workday.

3. Managed a short workout in the morning.

4. Ordered a nice burger from Good Flipping Burgers - The truffle burger. That was tasty.

5. Really grateful that I had the money to cover sudden expenses.

What I learned today:

1. The Greek philosophers would sit on the porch or 'stoa' and discuss how to get through life. This was called 'Stoicism' - philosophy that got generated on a porch. Heard it on Tim Ferri's TED talk on Fear setting. It's a good talk.  

347, 348

 I am feeling very scattered and so many things have come my way. The last few days have not been exceptionally good. Or even good. But I have just not been able to sleep properly and every day, there is just so much frustration on all fronts. I think there should be an asylum for people over 50. Get out of the workforce for a little bit - with government aid so that your home and family are taken care of - and just think of whether you are really adding value to your work. Some truth serum should be administered so you know whether you are any good anymore or just seeking relevance through dubious means and coasting on some glimmer of expertise you had shown when you started out. (Like Mahesh Bhatt. His later movies somehow don't seem to tally with his initial aptitude. The man who made Saaransh and Arth could not have also made Sadak 2.) And if you are found to not be any good anymore, then I think that maybe you remove yourself from the workforce and then the Government takes care of you. Things can't go on like this everywhere at all times - at some point, accept that you are mediocre. At one point, your mediocrity could be offset with your ability to work. But now, you neither have the skill nor the stamina. This slavish animalistic desperation to get to a Friday is vulgar. I should write a story about it. And make a strong plan on how to not become like these people I am writing about. Unless I am like them already. But no - I don't think so. But still who knows? In those zombie apocalypses, sometimes those people who get bitten by the zombies don't know that they have turned into zombies.

Anyway, one trusts Nature to do what it does in time.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Did not speak to him but no urgent or frantic calls so am assuming all is well.

2. A friend messaged me today. I am going to meet her tomorrow.

3. Did a little work today. There are a couple of extensive documents that I need to create and that will take a lot of time. But I started with some reading today so I feel that I may have made some headstart.

4. Had really tasty hot crispy dosa today.

5. Had a good workout. 

Sip of water

 Shayra stood on a star. It was ice-pink with lavender roses cut out along the edges. That she was suspended in air didn't matter because the star was solid. In that whole expanse of glaucuous blue-grey tints, that star was her home - her little step of almostness that held her up. She played with the little sun in her pocket - her thumbnails zinged. Then she knelt and traced one of the lavender roses with her warm fingers. The rose softened a little, a petal melted a little. A drop of blue with periwinkle and lapis swirls trickled to the edge of the star and fell. It was time to return.

345, 346

 Was wondering about OMR sheets today. I had forgotten what they were. Should I get some and use them as a habit tracker?

Today was an okay-okay day. No workout. Stressed out but felt empty. But no, a friend from work shared a message with me about Sunita Williams and Butch Wilmore's return. What a miracle! I mean, they can very well be a different species now - they have gone past time, gone into some pocket of space, skirted around the contours of existence - I mean...it's just awesome. So brilliant this bit was.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I did not speak with him today but am assuming he is okay.

2. Finished a bit of the first draft of a document.

3. Cook and cleaning lady both came today. I mean, I should not take this for granted. There are no cooks or cleaning ladies in space. (Not that that is the only reason I'm not there.)

4. Have a safe home.

5. Wi-fi was stable.

What did I learn today:

Came to know of this person called Paul Graham. He is supposed to be a founder of businesses and is supposed to have a really cogent blog. Look forward to learning more about him. 

344

 Head hurts and cough is still there. Body aches but still got through the day. I am exhausted. I want to take a month off now. 

Project managers are exhausting. If you are a project manager and you are reading this, then consider a few of these things:

1. A storyboard is a step in the larger process of creating and delivering a good course. It is not the final deliverable. The learner is not going to read a storyboard and learn from it. This storyboard will be the basis for creating a learning module and that is what the learner will see. It's a good idea to explore and understand what the artefacts are that you're making the plan about.

2. We don't need to kill our imagination when we work. Yes, storyboards are part of a process but there could be projects where the inputs from the client are fairly structured. In those cases, you could consider pairing an experienced ID with an experienced visual designer and they directly brainstorm, get into a workshop mode and complete a rough mock-up of the course in real-time. This can happen - especially if the client is looking for a quick micro-module. So, if you manage a project, your only role is not to push emails and say things like. "She will be joining shortly." Thinking is allowed. One would argue that it is even necessary.

3. When you are sending an invite for a meeting - especially one that involves multiple people of varying seniority, send it with.an.agenda.

Now, here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. The flush has been rectified marginally.

3. Had hot dosa today. Managed to plug in the induction somewhere.

4. The papaya was really nice.

5. Went for a long walk to Bandstand. Went there and walked back. My back hurts and I was parched. But grateful for the strength in my legs to carry me and so so grateful for water and fridge. Throat hurts but that's okay.

What I learned today:

Sitting by the sea and looking up at the stars is wealth. 

343

 From what I understand, March, April, and May are tough months astrologically. Just like every other month in every other year. But apparently it is a mash-up of rare types of planetary alignments and all that. Now whether it is a self-fulfilling prophecy or not - things are difficult. Health is still bad. Cough is still dry and hacking. Slight, low fever. And nothing got done. I had ordered induction cookers and I don't what model I ordered - all the plugs are too large. The cook has irresponsibly cooked so much food in the rice cooker unnecessarily. The Kohler plumber didn't come. I am feeling so scattered, tired, and deflated that I don't know what to do. 

So whatever the horrors of March hold (and 29th March onwards, it's going to be a rain of fire apparently), the signs have begun to show. Even as far as Mercury retrogrades go, this is rough. But...it could always be worse. And in the spirit of resoluteness, we carry on. Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. The AC repair guys came and at least repaired the AC. Given the season, that's a huge thing to be grateful for.

3. I got some money from a project I had completed earlier. 

4. A friend called to ask me about my health. That was so sweet and generous.

5.  I have a bowl of crisp, sweet red grapes that Papa bought for me yesterday. Am having it now. It is awesome!

6. Tried out a new coffee place in Bandra - a few paces from my house 'Grey Soul'. Stylish place but I didn't find anything superb.

7. Had a work-out. Not too hard but still did some strength training and light cardio. Given my health condition, this is not too bad.

What did I learn today?

1. I asked ChatGPT to give me an anaysis of myself. It was such a sweet, tender analysis. 

341, 342

 Health has taken a turn for the worse. But did some work. It was slow plodding and a larger part of what I had to do was not done. I am nervous about tomorrow. Not really nervous but there is a lot to do. Anyway I will worry about that tomorrow or rather, later today.

Here are a few things that I am grateful for:'

1. Papa is well. He came to visit and I made him hot chocolate with water in the microwave. It sounds simple but there is a way to do it so that you don't get lumps. 

2. Both my induction cookers are shot. That is a painful thing but I am really trying to list it as something I am grateful for to develop the quality of equanimity.

3. I saw a play called 'Kavan' in Aram Nagar. I booked the tickets because I really wanted to get out and get some cultural experience. Prithvi is always such a task to book tickets for during the weekend. And the town, Rang Sharda, etc. is a huge pain as well. I took a chance at the Rangshila theatre. First of all, I am supremely grateful for a theatre in Aram Nagar, Versova. It's a nice, open location. The play was by students but it was really well done. It is an Ambedkarite operatic satire on how caste operates in Hinduism and in cities. The Director's note in the pamphlet talked about an interesting genesis for the play - we abolished untouchability but kept the caste hierarchy in the Constitution. This dichotomy may have led to the deep imprinting of caste even deeper. The music and the performances were really, really good. And the production design was beautiful - it was a small area for the play enactment. Behind the actors, there was a cloth projector that had a pastiche print. As the actors moved the story along, there would be interesting graffiti and other images on the cloth background. I loved those silhouettes of Dr. Ambedkar. (For reasons I will not get into now, I have been questioning my discomfort with Buddhism and Christianity.) Dr. Ambedkar was a towering personality...and that kind of intellect is of mythical proportions now. I think a lot of his followers will also know the brilliance with which he has incorporated tenets of Vedanta in the Constitution. (Vedanta is not the same as Vedas. Vedas are scriptures, hymns, rituals, etc. But Vedanta is the pinnacle of all this - the philosophical tenet distilled from all Upanishads - that is the exploration of 'Self' and its relationship to 'Brahman' and its linkage between the two. The arrival of all of this exploration is that there is no difference between the world outside and the Self within. ('Self' with a capital 'S', not a small 's'. There is a huge study involved in even exploring this distinction. So that's it on this point.) Anyway, suffice to say that I am grateful that I went to the play and discovered RangShila. (This is an aside - the play had a scene where two priests hit the main character, Bejool. Because it was a play, the character was getting beaten within touching distance. It made so much of an impact that a bunch of us winced. It got me thinking about how desensitized screen portrayal of violence actually makes us. We can stomach a lot more - and that's why video games and movies, gruesome animes, etc. are so horrible.)

4. Papa got grapes. Those were really nice.

5. There was cool water for me to bathe in. At least the AC in one room was working.

What I learned today:

1. Was having terrible bodyache. But closed my eyes and imagined a jade roller moving up and down my spine vividly. Felt a lot better.

340

 Not well. Down with fever and all that. Very quickly then, here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Enjoyed the samosa and jalebi I called for the cook and me.

3. The bathroom situation is not yet resolved. But the Urban Company guy who came at least helped me with getting the Kohler toll-free number. It looks like it will be a while before that issue gets sorted. And he said it will cost. I mean - listing this here because this guy was sweet.

4. Had a massage. It was really nice.

5. There was water and electricity, etc. Today I was wondering about what the homeless do. How do they live? How do they figure out where to sleep or bathe? Does time pass by differently when you are homeless? I am sure it does. 24 hours must feel so different when you don't have walls or a ceiling. I don't know why I am thinking about the homeless so much. Anyway, for now - very very grateful to have a home.

What I learned today:

1. I took an ADHD test today (free test here: https://screening.mhanational.org/) I don't have it but am at risk. In a podcast by Andrew Huberman, the doctor being interviewed said that regular sleeping time (especially regarding circadian rhythms) is what helps ADHD.

2. One of the questions in the test was whether I interrupt people with my questions. I have always found that people interrupt me. Could it be that I have met a lot of people with ADHD? This seems like an interesting area to explore. 

338,339

 1. Papa is well.

2. Enjoyed Basque cheesecake and mushroom quiche.

3. Got through the days with very hazy work.

4. Had electricity.

5. Have the basics.

Too tired to write about what I learned today. But here's a recommendation:

Tanmay Bhatt's Meme reaction videos. Just. so. FUNNY!

337

 My head is paining and I am beyond exhausted. I have been burning up with so much anger and frustration that I feel exhausted. It took up so much of mindspace that I could not focus on my work sharp and happy. I wonder when that is going to change - I am ready for some ease...just things to fall into place quickly and smoothly. But I am trying to lean into the experiences as much and as often as I can and this hopefully is going to be of some use later on in life.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. I withdrew money today and there is enough in the bank for now.

3. I wore my expensive cotton dress and I found a hard lavender/ purple stain on it. Why am I listing it here - in the list of things I am grateful for? Actually, I am doing so reluctantly. But I feel this too is a gift - an opportunity to be non-dualistic about things.

4. I took a rickshaw ride to Mount Mary after ages and prayed. I love the statue of Mother Mary. She is so beautiful and strong. So many things happen around her but she is calm and posed. Even during the Mount Mary fair, everything around her is decorated but at the Basilica, she is sweet and pure. To have equanimity is such strength. 

5. I managed to keep my cool. Got a little annoyed with the dhobi but was okay for most of the day.

6. Had some nice interactions with some colleagues.

What have I learned:

1. This is not universal but it struck me that there is one enduring sorrow I will have in my life. Expecting anything else will always cause me pain. I just have to accept with grace that even that enduring sorrow has a role and place.

2. Again, this is not a lesson but wanted to share - that this hymn makes me soft and thaws me and cleanses me: https://youtu.be/j04Bx9pKwpU?si=u9WDDCTKCQX7F_W-. (I surrender all.) I used to put this on and put my mother to sleep. I wonder where she is. 

335, 336

 Well, I continue to be amazed at how time marches on when nothing much changes. At work, maybe things are moving. Maybe not. It's amazing how little the needle shifts when there is no direction. And the moment there is direction, there is power - even if things take the time they take.

Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. 

2. I loved, loved, LOVED this episode of the Andrew Huberman podcast: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuuoLT-fq4s&t=7866s. He interviews Richard Shwartz, the founders (or one of the founders) of Internal Family Systems. This is a model of psychotherapy that examines the mind as being composed of many parts. Every part is designed to protect you and that is the part that maybe takes over when you are triggered. To heal, one must lean in completely into those parts and learn from them or at least hear them out. A good friend had recommended one of his books, "No Bad Parts". I have not read it but after watching this episode I will. I actually did the meditation exercise that is covered in this video. I tried to locate the part of me that is angry and lashes out. It is still early days but I did not lose my temper. (No Bad Parts is actually a good ethos to have for life and for work - no bad parts. Even the parts of this project that are hard and tough are not bad. Maybe they are the parts that need attention and must be heard. (It seems that a lot of things are sorted when you don't label things.)

3. I completed one outline for something. That is good. I need to finish a few things by Wednesday or Thursday the latest. I mean, I feel a lot of resistance and it would be good for the work to get easy. But I am still listing it as something I am grateful for because somewhere deep inside I do recognize it as a bit of a golden opportunity to at least explore some possibilities of transformation - if not actually transform right away. 

4. There is a home. 

5. Having black tea after so long. Quite enjoying it. 

What I learned today:

1. In a podcast on adult ADHD, the expert talked about most people being 'importance-driven'. But those who have ADHD are 'interest-driven'. 

334

 Today was a tight and tough day. I had a useless call where I was told that things are not ready for me to start work. Things not being ready for me to start work seems to be the theme for the day. I just have to accept that this year has a ton of rework written in my fate. Oh Lord, just give me the strength to tackle this. I spoke sharply to an old lady. Feel bad about it. Will try and do better tomorrow.

Anyway, one way to tackle all this is to keep at least one part of the heart grateful:

1. Papa is well.

2. Wrote my impression of 'The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry' here: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/book-7-storied-life-aj-fikri-gabrielle-zevin-mukta-raut-xktjf

3. Papa had sent across rajma. That was really nice. I love rajma chaawal. I sliced up onions to go with that and ate. 

4. Cook had made a really tasty soya and aaloo sabzi.

5. Went to Starbucks for a coffee. That was good. 

What did I learn today?

1. In the Andrew Huberman podcast, he mentioned that actually learning does not happen in the time that you are trying to learn. It happens when you are sleeping or taking a break. So the way to really learn is to hardcore focus on a task and then step away for a while. 

333

 That's a nice number for a day - 333. It was a long and endless day and work just keeps getting steadily mucked up - over and over again. Anyway, we lived through a day and that's that.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. There was a good chat with a colleague. It was the end of the day and there was a long and futile meeting. But there were laughs afterwards and what can one say? That's the best one can do.

3. I just finished reading the book 'The Storied Life of A.J.Fikry' by Gabrielle Zevin. I have not used the word 'marvelous' to describe a book in ages. This is it. It is delightful, sad, funny, lovely and loving.

4. Have a home to live in.

5. There was water, electricity, and wi-fi. That much is good.

What did I learn?

Hmm. I came across something that seemed very interesting. An epic novel, Praiseworthy' by Alexis Wright has an interestingly designed edition. The cover has the first sentence. Apparently the writing is so beautiful that the words were better than the one picture. 

332

 I am tired. Joined back work today and there were so.many.many.calls. And there will be many many days like this through the rest of the project I think. I feel I should just lean in, and accept the days as they come. Things just feel tiring and endless. But am sure there will be pockets of joy.

Anyway, here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He did sound a little down but he is well.

2. I managed to sneak in a little workout. Am grateful for that.

3. I got to read through a business proposal today. That was a fresh change.

4. Had coffee, water, sugar (or sugar-free) and an induction stove-top to heat water and make myself coffee. That is not a small thing.

5. Have my health. 

What did I learn today:

1. Nothing cerebral. Just an experience for myself - that when your bank account is low and you really have to stay at home and pay bills and pray that no grand sudden expense comes your way, days seem long. L-O-N-G. 

331

 Today has been a difficult day. My break or sojourn comes to an end and I have to start work tomorrow. But I have been dipping in and out of work in the last few days - so nothing should be a shock. But I feel that times are tough and they will only get tougher. Before I proceed, I want to share this poem I came across. I think it is sound advice.

The Room of Ancient Keys

by Elena Mikhalkova

My grandmother once gave me a tip:
In difficult times, you move forward in small steps.
Do what you have to do, but little by little.
Don’t think about the future, or what may happen tomorrow.
Wash the dishes.
Remove the dust.
Write a letter.
Make a soup.
You see?
You are advancing step by step.
Take a step and stop.
Rest a little.
Praise yourself.
Take another step.
Then another.
You won’t notice, but your steps will grow more and more.
And the time will come when you can think about the future without crying.

I have not been feeling good. I feel something strange around me. Today when I woke up from my afternoon nap. I thought I saw a couple standing at the entrance of my bedroom door - they seemed like villagers - the woman was wearing a saree and the man was wearing a shirt and a pant. And I got the feeling that one of them slit my throat. Now I feel a bitter taste in the back of my throat as if it's poison. I don't know how but a large flying insect has entered my room. My windows have been closed. I don't know where it came from. I swatted it away out of the house. But something is not feeling right. There's some type of dread.

Even so, there are still things to be grateful for. 

1. Papa is well.

2. I had a short work-out but a good peaceful one at the gym. The building gym is a small spot with very rudimentary machines. But it has large windows that I leave open to gaze at the night when I am on the treadmill or doing my stretches. The building next to mine has been razed to the ground for development for over a decade I think. Developers and financers, builders and others - seem to have washed their hands off this project many times over. So, what we have is a large and empty ground. Across that, you see the slope of a hill and a very beautiful building. At night, the flats are lit and people flit about in their homes - they look like angels dancing in the center of a flame. There is also a worn out shanty and the clothing line supports the weight of large bedsheets, tiny vests and socks and a myriad things. I often wonder about them - if your clothes feel the sun and you wear them, then you are draping some warmth, light, andpower. I don;t like handing my clothes out like the others. So I dry the clothes inside the house. I wonder if that makes me a different person from the others whose clothes dry in the sun.

3. Cook had made pancakes with strawberry and honey topping. That was tasty.

4. I was feeling a little low and...what's the word...bereft after my workout. I ordered Brra Chaap (soya chaap) from a place called Sadak Chaap. It was ex-ce-llent! Excellent! I didn't want to spend too much because it's still a few days until I get paid. But I really wanted something with a kick. Man! Did this deliver! The chaap was tender and perfectly charred in the tandoor. It came garnished with a heap of onions that was flavored. It was really well done. 

5. I found a can of Diet Coke in the fridge. (I thought I was all out!) It's quite lovely - to find some remnant of your vice suddenly.

Onwards then.

330

 Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. I just finished reading Nora Ephron's 'Heartburn'. It's a lovely book - in parts a tad synthetically dramatic (as is wont to be since it is written by a popular screenwriter. (She wrote When Harry met Sally, You've Got Mail, Mixed Nuts, etc.) It's a loosely fictionalized story of her second divorce from a political columnist or reporter. He cheats on her when she is pregnant and she tries to cope with it until she can't. It's interspersed with wit, humour, some precise observational humor that one enjoys, and it's lovely. (Wrote about it here: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/book-6-heartburn-nora-ephron-mukta-raut-vtpyf)

3. Had a good chat with a colleague. Sometimes when shit hits the fan and things are breaking all around you, you stay curious and detached. Just observe with the lens that one day you will write about it.

4. Regular cleaning lady came today.

5. Managed to control my temper. A little slipped out. But overall managed to control it.

What did I learn today?

1. A really good recipe of a custardish thing - you roast makhana and blend it with a banana and curd until it is thick. You could sweeten it as well. Then you slice strawberries and top it prettily and also use chia seeds. Pop it in the fridge. It is gorgeous!

329

 I am going mad! I am trying to think of this novel that had Asomething like 'Ardhi' in the title...male author...Indian...contemporary novel. May or may not have been a debut novel. Drawing a blank and I'm not able to remember. Tough.

Anyway, here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. The temporary cleaning lady came by today.

3. Managed to go to the parlor to spruce up before an important call.

4. Enjoyed a bowl of cold watermelon and extra salted chips. So so yummy!

5. Had daal with lauki.

6. Managed a workout. (Am eating more though. Need to cut back down on all that. But it's okay. It will happen in time.)

7. Did some reading and a little bit of studying. I thought that that is something I want to keep time for - knowledge, proper studying that involve making notes, etc. It's amazing how even a few minutes helped me today. From what I am observing around me, older instructional designers are sincerely losing it. What happens when you become 50? How can you move around in such a colossal state of delusion? As the saying goes: "Don't ask what the bells toll for...they toll for thee." I am also getting older and it is quite possible that the brain will fray and decay beyond control soon. As long as the faculties remain, let's make the best of it.

8. Beautiful crescent spotted in the sky.

9. I unearthed something about me today. The cook was late and I was gripped with a strange sense of panic. It was not just routine annoyance. It was something deeper - a more primal kind of anxiety. The way a child will feel if it is hungry and there is no food source (i.e.- mother) in sight. I was missing Mummy yesterday and today I had this feeling.I need to observe this kind of emotion more closely. The transference of urgency and anxiety in this case was not justified. But I am grateful that I could detach a little bit to observe this.

10. I love this Oudh perfume I got from the Kurla store so many months ago. Am wearing it now. It's smoky, sweet, heady, and just a little bit intoxicating. I love the scent of Oudh mixed with some notes of jasmine, etc. Pure woody oudh - if I could afford the proper distilled version - I would spray my stationery with it. Gosh! I love it!

What did I learn today? Hmm...1 thing - I came across something called the Trachtenberg system. This was a system of doing fast maths - shortcuts that helped someone to calculate complex math sums quickly. This was developed by a Russian engineer Jakow Trachtenberg when he was a prisoner in a concentration camp. This is what he did to keep his mind occupied. Some things are just wow! 

Just...

 I just finished watching 'The Watcher' and I don't know. It's 4:05 a.m. The day will break soon and I thought that I just wanted to get a few things out of my system. I want to know where my mom is. She passed away but where did she go? Where is she? What happened to her? I don't want some abstract, conceptual idea of life and death. Her. Specifically her. Where is she? I am wearing her rings and her ear-rings. I wear her clothes. I use her bed linen and cutlery. Sometimes when things go dismal, I use her instinct. But unlike her, I have not taken on many burdens of family and society. Where did she go?

From the treadmill, you can see the slope of Pali Hill. I usually go to the gym at night. You can see little squares bathed in butter-yellow light - expensive flats where people are sitting down to their posh dinners. But beyond all that- beyond the cars and the trees and people who are walking up and down the slope, there's a night. Darkness. It's full and lush and dripping. I wonder what stays there in the night - in teh darkness. All my days where I just scrape myself through one hour to another without a to-do list- does it come from there? The people I haven't met, he projects that I haven't worked on, the half-chewed experiences I will have, the anger that is yet unerupted, the pain that is still nascent - is it there? In that darkness beyond the hill? Is that where my mum is?

No answers. Never any answers. Yesterday my neighbor loaned me a book of poems 'Jasmines in her Hair' by Kalpesh Desai. I read a few verses - they are about unrequited love and all that. Whatever verses I read. Maybe there is something else on some other pages - but much of what gets into poetry is about 'what could have been'. 

Maybe that's the darkness. It's love. 

327, 328

 I want to wrap this up quickly so that I get back to the series 'The Watcher' on Netflix. Quite riveting.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. My niece found the wedding invitaton of my parents and sent them over. So excellent.

3. I managed to go for a walk and do a little workout.

4. Enjoyed a slice of juicy, cool pineapple. There's a company called Pluckk and they sell pre-cut fruits. Their pineapples are very yummy.

5. Brewed myself some lemon tea. It is warm and comforting at 3:37 in the morning.

6. Enjoyed Superboys of Malegaon. It is a slo, sweet little film - but the performances...excellent! Adarsh Gourav is so sparkling. 

7. Started watching 'The Watcher' on Netflix. Thoroughly enjoying it.

8. Finished an approach note for a treatment for something. That is good.

9. Lived through the day and it occured to me that we have already lived through two months of 2025 already. That's a lot of project work done.

10. The temp cleaning lady showed up today.

*******************

What I learned today:

1. One of the episodes in 'The Watcher' is called 'The Gloaming'. Gloaming means twilight. Nice word.

326

 Today that statement feels true - that the days are long but the years are short. Although the years have also started feeling long. I am writing this on day number three hundred and twenty-six but it feels as if I have been writing since eternity. I used to feel this when I had started sketching. When you are only casually passing by an object or just glancing at it, you take it in in approximation. It's a variation of some regular or irregular shape, you get an idea of its basic contours, you see its colors, and that's it. But when you sketch it, even a simple regular cup becomes a complex puzzle with so many details that you need to capture - facets, shadows and light contrasts, a small chip here or there, the way the grooves hold dust, etc. So many things. Sometimes I wonder when I will reach 365 days and complete a year. But no matter - one day at a time.

Quickly then, here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. I had a nice-ish massage this morning. It was not the best but I needed it so that is good.

3. I had really tasty masala rice and poshto. 

4. I also had very tasty paratha and spicy channa masala. I love kabuli channa cooked with a slice of chilli.

5. Finished a piece of work even though I felt a lot of resistance. 

6. Controlled the impulse to spend.

7. Had a good workout at the gym. A friend had gifted me a mini flask and it's the most darling little thermos in teal with a sweet tendril pattern on it. I had taken cold water in it and managed to work out a little more.

What did I learn today:

Hmm, a little about a visual novel technique that one could employ when discussing a compliance concept. But that needs a deeper enquiry. What I did come across is a recipe that looks tasty. You take a bunch of long green chillis, slit them and deseed them. Heat some oil (preferably mustard) in a pan. Add jeera, hing, and salt. Then add the chillis to saute them. Add spoons of curd to the mix to coat the chillis and blend with the masala. That looks so tasty. 

I will get myself some cold water, light a candle, and just sit in the dark for a little while.