334

 Today was a tight and tough day. I had a useless call where I was told that things are not ready for me to start work. Things not being ready for me to start work seems to be the theme for the day. I just have to accept that this year has a ton of rework written in my fate. Oh Lord, just give me the strength to tackle this. I spoke sharply to an old lady. Feel bad about it. Will try and do better tomorrow.

Anyway, one way to tackle all this is to keep at least one part of the heart grateful:

1. Papa is well.

2. Wrote my impression of 'The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry' here: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/book-7-storied-life-aj-fikri-gabrielle-zevin-mukta-raut-xktjf

3. Papa had sent across rajma. That was really nice. I love rajma chaawal. I sliced up onions to go with that and ate. 

4. Cook had made a really tasty soya and aaloo sabzi.

5. Went to Starbucks for a coffee. That was good. 

What did I learn today?

1. In the Andrew Huberman podcast, he mentioned that actually learning does not happen in the time that you are trying to learn. It happens when you are sleeping or taking a break. So the way to really learn is to hardcore focus on a task and then step away for a while. 

333

 That's a nice number for a day - 333. It was a long and endless day and work just keeps getting steadily mucked up - over and over again. Anyway, we lived through a day and that's that.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. There was a good chat with a colleague. It was the end of the day and there was a long and futile meeting. But there were laughs afterwards and what can one say? That's the best one can do.

3. I just finished reading the book 'The Storied Life of A.J.Fikry' by Gabrielle Zevin. I have not used the word 'marvelous' to describe a book in ages. This is it. It is delightful, sad, funny, lovely and loving.

4. Have a home to live in.

5. There was water, electricity, and wi-fi. That much is good.

What did I learn?

Hmm. I came across something that seemed very interesting. An epic novel, Praiseworthy' by Alexis Wright has an interestingly designed edition. The cover has the first sentence. Apparently the writing is so beautiful that the words were better than the one picture. 

332

 I am tired. Joined back work today and there were so.many.many.calls. And there will be many many days like this through the rest of the project I think. I feel I should just lean in, and accept the days as they come. Things just feel tiring and endless. But am sure there will be pockets of joy.

Anyway, here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He did sound a little down but he is well.

2. I managed to sneak in a little workout. Am grateful for that.

3. I got to read through a business proposal today. That was a fresh change.

4. Had coffee, water, sugar (or sugar-free) and an induction stove-top to heat water and make myself coffee. That is not a small thing.

5. Have my health. 

What did I learn today:

1. Nothing cerebral. Just an experience for myself - that when your bank account is low and you really have to stay at home and pay bills and pray that no grand sudden expense comes your way, days seem long. L-O-N-G. 

331

 Today has been a difficult day. My break or sojourn comes to an end and I have to start work tomorrow. But I have been dipping in and out of work in the last few days - so nothing should be a shock. But I feel that times are tough and they will only get tougher. Before I proceed, I want to share this poem I came across. I think it is sound advice.

The Room of Ancient Keys

by Elena Mikhalkova

My grandmother once gave me a tip:
In difficult times, you move forward in small steps.
Do what you have to do, but little by little.
Don’t think about the future, or what may happen tomorrow.
Wash the dishes.
Remove the dust.
Write a letter.
Make a soup.
You see?
You are advancing step by step.
Take a step and stop.
Rest a little.
Praise yourself.
Take another step.
Then another.
You won’t notice, but your steps will grow more and more.
And the time will come when you can think about the future without crying.

I have not been feeling good. I feel something strange around me. Today when I woke up from my afternoon nap. I thought I saw a couple standing at the entrance of my bedroom door - they seemed like villagers - the woman was wearing a saree and the man was wearing a shirt and a pant. And I got the feeling that one of them slit my throat. Now I feel a bitter taste in the back of my throat as if it's poison. I don't know how but a large flying insect has entered my room. My windows have been closed. I don't know where it came from. I swatted it away out of the house. But something is not feeling right. There's some type of dread.

Even so, there are still things to be grateful for. 

1. Papa is well.

2. I had a short work-out but a good peaceful one at the gym. The building gym is a small spot with very rudimentary machines. But it has large windows that I leave open to gaze at the night when I am on the treadmill or doing my stretches. The building next to mine has been razed to the ground for development for over a decade I think. Developers and financers, builders and others - seem to have washed their hands off this project many times over. So, what we have is a large and empty ground. Across that, you see the slope of a hill and a very beautiful building. At night, the flats are lit and people flit about in their homes - they look like angels dancing in the center of a flame. There is also a worn out shanty and the clothing line supports the weight of large bedsheets, tiny vests and socks and a myriad things. I often wonder about them - if your clothes feel the sun and you wear them, then you are draping some warmth, light, andpower. I don;t like handing my clothes out like the others. So I dry the clothes inside the house. I wonder if that makes me a different person from the others whose clothes dry in the sun.

3. Cook had made pancakes with strawberry and honey topping. That was tasty.

4. I was feeling a little low and...what's the word...bereft after my workout. I ordered Brra Chaap (soya chaap) from a place called Sadak Chaap. It was ex-ce-llent! Excellent! I didn't want to spend too much because it's still a few days until I get paid. But I really wanted something with a kick. Man! Did this deliver! The chaap was tender and perfectly charred in the tandoor. It came garnished with a heap of onions that was flavored. It was really well done. 

5. I found a can of Diet Coke in the fridge. (I thought I was all out!) It's quite lovely - to find some remnant of your vice suddenly.

Onwards then.

330

 Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. I just finished reading Nora Ephron's 'Heartburn'. It's a lovely book - in parts a tad synthetically dramatic (as is wont to be since it is written by a popular screenwriter. (She wrote When Harry met Sally, You've Got Mail, Mixed Nuts, etc.) It's a loosely fictionalized story of her second divorce from a political columnist or reporter. He cheats on her when she is pregnant and she tries to cope with it until she can't. It's interspersed with wit, humour, some precise observational humor that one enjoys, and it's lovely. (Wrote about it here: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/book-6-heartburn-nora-ephron-mukta-raut-vtpyf)

3. Had a good chat with a colleague. Sometimes when shit hits the fan and things are breaking all around you, you stay curious and detached. Just observe with the lens that one day you will write about it.

4. Regular cleaning lady came today.

5. Managed to control my temper. A little slipped out. But overall managed to control it.

What did I learn today?

1. A really good recipe of a custardish thing - you roast makhana and blend it with a banana and curd until it is thick. You could sweeten it as well. Then you slice strawberries and top it prettily and also use chia seeds. Pop it in the fridge. It is gorgeous!

329

 I am going mad! I am trying to think of this novel that had Asomething like 'Ardhi' in the title...male author...Indian...contemporary novel. May or may not have been a debut novel. Drawing a blank and I'm not able to remember. Tough.

Anyway, here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. The temporary cleaning lady came by today.

3. Managed to go to the parlor to spruce up before an important call.

4. Enjoyed a bowl of cold watermelon and extra salted chips. So so yummy!

5. Had daal with lauki.

6. Managed a workout. (Am eating more though. Need to cut back down on all that. But it's okay. It will happen in time.)

7. Did some reading and a little bit of studying. I thought that that is something I want to keep time for - knowledge, proper studying that involve making notes, etc. It's amazing how even a few minutes helped me today. From what I am observing around me, older instructional designers are sincerely losing it. What happens when you become 50? How can you move around in such a colossal state of delusion? As the saying goes: "Don't ask what the bells toll for...they toll for thee." I am also getting older and it is quite possible that the brain will fray and decay beyond control soon. As long as the faculties remain, let's make the best of it.

8. Beautiful crescent spotted in the sky.

9. I unearthed something about me today. The cook was late and I was gripped with a strange sense of panic. It was not just routine annoyance. It was something deeper - a more primal kind of anxiety. The way a child will feel if it is hungry and there is no food source (i.e.- mother) in sight. I was missing Mummy yesterday and today I had this feeling.I need to observe this kind of emotion more closely. The transference of urgency and anxiety in this case was not justified. But I am grateful that I could detach a little bit to observe this.

10. I love this Oudh perfume I got from the Kurla store so many months ago. Am wearing it now. It's smoky, sweet, heady, and just a little bit intoxicating. I love the scent of Oudh mixed with some notes of jasmine, etc. Pure woody oudh - if I could afford the proper distilled version - I would spray my stationery with it. Gosh! I love it!

What did I learn today? Hmm...1 thing - I came across something called the Trachtenberg system. This was a system of doing fast maths - shortcuts that helped someone to calculate complex math sums quickly. This was developed by a Russian engineer Jakow Trachtenberg when he was a prisoner in a concentration camp. This is what he did to keep his mind occupied. Some things are just wow! 

Just...

 I just finished watching 'The Watcher' and I don't know. It's 4:05 a.m. The day will break soon and I thought that I just wanted to get a few things out of my system. I want to know where my mom is. She passed away but where did she go? Where is she? What happened to her? I don't want some abstract, conceptual idea of life and death. Her. Specifically her. Where is she? I am wearing her rings and her ear-rings. I wear her clothes. I use her bed linen and cutlery. Sometimes when things go dismal, I use her instinct. But unlike her, I have not taken on many burdens of family and society. Where did she go?

From the treadmill, you can see the slope of Pali Hill. I usually go to the gym at night. You can see little squares bathed in butter-yellow light - expensive flats where people are sitting down to their posh dinners. But beyond all that- beyond the cars and the trees and people who are walking up and down the slope, there's a night. Darkness. It's full and lush and dripping. I wonder what stays there in the night - in teh darkness. All my days where I just scrape myself through one hour to another without a to-do list- does it come from there? The people I haven't met, he projects that I haven't worked on, the half-chewed experiences I will have, the anger that is yet unerupted, the pain that is still nascent - is it there? In that darkness beyond the hill? Is that where my mum is?

No answers. Never any answers. Yesterday my neighbor loaned me a book of poems 'Jasmines in her Hair' by Kalpesh Desai. I read a few verses - they are about unrequited love and all that. Whatever verses I read. Maybe there is something else on some other pages - but much of what gets into poetry is about 'what could have been'. 

Maybe that's the darkness. It's love. 

327, 328

 I want to wrap this up quickly so that I get back to the series 'The Watcher' on Netflix. Quite riveting.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. My niece found the wedding invitaton of my parents and sent them over. So excellent.

3. I managed to go for a walk and do a little workout.

4. Enjoyed a slice of juicy, cool pineapple. There's a company called Pluckk and they sell pre-cut fruits. Their pineapples are very yummy.

5. Brewed myself some lemon tea. It is warm and comforting at 3:37 in the morning.

6. Enjoyed Superboys of Malegaon. It is a slo, sweet little film - but the performances...excellent! Adarsh Gourav is so sparkling. 

7. Started watching 'The Watcher' on Netflix. Thoroughly enjoying it.

8. Finished an approach note for a treatment for something. That is good.

9. Lived through the day and it occured to me that we have already lived through two months of 2025 already. That's a lot of project work done.

10. The temp cleaning lady showed up today.

*******************

What I learned today:

1. One of the episodes in 'The Watcher' is called 'The Gloaming'. Gloaming means twilight. Nice word.

326

 Today that statement feels true - that the days are long but the years are short. Although the years have also started feeling long. I am writing this on day number three hundred and twenty-six but it feels as if I have been writing since eternity. I used to feel this when I had started sketching. When you are only casually passing by an object or just glancing at it, you take it in in approximation. It's a variation of some regular or irregular shape, you get an idea of its basic contours, you see its colors, and that's it. But when you sketch it, even a simple regular cup becomes a complex puzzle with so many details that you need to capture - facets, shadows and light contrasts, a small chip here or there, the way the grooves hold dust, etc. So many things. Sometimes I wonder when I will reach 365 days and complete a year. But no matter - one day at a time.

Quickly then, here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. I had a nice-ish massage this morning. It was not the best but I needed it so that is good.

3. I had really tasty masala rice and poshto. 

4. I also had very tasty paratha and spicy channa masala. I love kabuli channa cooked with a slice of chilli.

5. Finished a piece of work even though I felt a lot of resistance. 

6. Controlled the impulse to spend.

7. Had a good workout at the gym. A friend had gifted me a mini flask and it's the most darling little thermos in teal with a sweet tendril pattern on it. I had taken cold water in it and managed to work out a little more.

What did I learn today:

Hmm, a little about a visual novel technique that one could employ when discussing a compliance concept. But that needs a deeper enquiry. What I did come across is a recipe that looks tasty. You take a bunch of long green chillis, slit them and deseed them. Heat some oil (preferably mustard) in a pan. Add jeera, hing, and salt. Then add the chillis to saute them. Add spoons of curd to the mix to coat the chillis and blend with the masala. That looks so tasty. 

I will get myself some cold water, light a candle, and just sit in the dark for a little while.