My head is paining and I am beyond exhausted. I have been burning up with so much anger and frustration that I feel exhausted. It took up so much of mindspace that I could not focus on my work sharp and happy. I wonder when that is going to change - I am ready for some ease...just things to fall into place quickly and smoothly. But I am trying to lean into the experiences as much and as often as I can and this hopefully is going to be of some use later on in life.
Here are all the things I am grateful for:
1. Papa is well.
2. I withdrew money today and there is enough in the bank for now.
3. I wore my expensive cotton dress and I found a hard lavender/ purple stain on it. Why am I listing it here - in the list of things I am grateful for? Actually, I am doing so reluctantly. But I feel this too is a gift - an opportunity to be non-dualistic about things.
4. I took a rickshaw ride to Mount Mary after ages and prayed. I love the statue of Mother Mary. She is so beautiful and strong. So many things happen around her but she is calm and posed. Even during the Mount Mary fair, everything around her is decorated but at the Basilica, she is sweet and pure. To have equanimity is such strength.
5. I managed to keep my cool. Got a little annoyed with the dhobi but was okay for most of the day.
6. Had some nice interactions with some colleagues.
What have I learned:
1. This is not universal but it struck me that there is one enduring sorrow I will have in my life. Expecting anything else will always cause me pain. I just have to accept with grace that even that enduring sorrow has a role and place.
2. Again, this is not a lesson but wanted to share - that this hymn makes me soft and thaws me and cleanses me: https://youtu.be/j04Bx9pKwpU?si=u9WDDCTKCQX7F_W-. (I surrender all.) I used to put this on and put my mother to sleep. I wonder where she is.
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