Tired and pointless

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 I feel really tired and just overall pointless today. Ordered a bunch of stuff from Swiggy and I could totally see how it was to fill a void. But did it anyway. 

Had this feeling a month ago or so...that life doesn't feel 'lubricated' enough. It feels rough and difficult and getting through the days just feels like it is stinging and leaves one feeling raw and sensitive and tender. Like an open wound.

It will be good to just wind down for the rest of the year. Maybe the rest of this decade. And do nothing. 

I lost my aunt. Remember her fondly. She had a beautiful home and the sweetest voice. Now my father has no siblings left. Was just wondering what that must feel like. I find my brother exceedingly irritating. But if I lose my dad, then he is the only bookmark I have of my parents, so to speak. Even now, even when he annoys me so much, sometimes in the way he smiles or eats manchow soup or sleeps, I see my mom in him. What happens when it all goes away or ends? 

Of course, I don't know why in all these scenarios, I am outliving everyone else. But I suppose that's the survival arrogance that keeps one going when everything around you is ending. Slowly. One at a time. 


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