A spicy savior

 

Had planted chilli seeds a long while ago. The plant had grown big and thick but there weren't any chillies. Papa, my cook, and some friends jokes that it was possibly not a chilly plant. I knew what I had planted though. And my cleaning lady believed me. I have to say that I loved this plant irrespective of whether there were chillies or not. I greeted it every morning and in between rough calls at work, I almost took refuge in this stoic little being looking out at a growling, busy world - minding its own business, growing roots doing its thing. My cleaning lady was really upbeat about this. She would water it and every time she did, she would tell me a story about her village in Alibaug. And today, she woke me up with the joy of announcing the arrival of a messiah, "Chillies have come." And we both stood there, stroking this fine specimen. I don't have very many plants and frankly I like building a connection with one or two. You see a plant but after the sun goes down, they become books...humming with stories they found under the soil or amidst the birds that flew above them. Plants are such wonderful things.

Blunking

 

I was really unwell last two days. Just mighty exhausted - emotionally and physically. Last night I was talking to a friend and it occurred to me that I don't think I have anything figured out. And a consequence of not having anything figured out is just going through life without...how shall I put it... without lubrication. It's as if every day one is getting sandpapered thoroughly.

Anyway I had a massage today. I love Urban Company. Their masseuses are so nice and they don't talk during the massage. Actually I would have called the other maalish lady but I have lost all phone numbers now. 

Anyway, I slept after the massage and woke up after the day is over. So now I have made tea, lit a candle, and am looking at the world that I will have to meet, greet, beat tomorrow.  But for now, there's truce with the innocent beast. 

Sweet little treat

 Thought I would take a minute to acknowledge all the nice things I have relished the last few days:

1. Had ordered a batch of sweet eclairs the other day. I didn't know Mad over Donuts had them. Anyway, I enjoyed a really yummy one after rough emotional days.

2. There are days when I just think about Ma. It still feels unreal. I don't think I am sad but I like thinking of her. Fills me with a soft cushiony lining of love. 

3. I liked what I did today at work. Turns out I like what I do even though having people around and minor melt-downs etc. are trying at times.

4. Talks with a couple of pals.

Sweet, sweet snapshot

 Yesterday I met a friend for tea and then we went to his house. It is such a cute and charming place. He is an artist and has a really large room with lots of artwork. 

I had seen his paintings on Instagram and I really liked them but seeing them in person is quite something. You know that you are looking at something original.

He told me about the birds around his house, a large and expensive flat somewhere around...then it started drizzling and the traffic on Linking Road shone like bits of hard candy. 

One of the reasons I am writing about this is because yesterday, the evening was a lovely chit of time. Much will happen. And I will forget that in this muchness, even that kind of evening had come my way. 

Pali and a perspective

 

There's always that one house in a lane that stands out to a dazed, tired traveler. It's a house that is bright and lit and even if you can't hear anything, you know there's music. You stand across that lane, trying to see if there's someone there.

 (There used to be a place like this in Koregaon Park, Lane 7. During walks at night with no streetlight, a pitch dark road, but a full generous moon, we would look  at this one flat that looked like a dancing jewel in a clutch of pretty but staid gems.) 

You see no one. You continue on your way. 

But there's a strange spring in your step. 

An atlas per square meter

 He put a coaster made of roughened deer bone under his cup of gin. The little hut had only two bulbs. One flickered at times and the other one lit up to only quarter its strength. The tiny place always seemed lit with candles always on the verge of going out.

He shifted the dead broken star that he kept as paperweight and took the tinted letter in his hands - his large hands with long fingers and dainty fate lines. "Fragile be the fate", she used to say.

He read the letter again, squinting in the dim light but frankly he remembered it all.

"Dear Pansy,

Offended? Bet you would be if you knew what it meant. Anyway, you will have food in the cupboard and look out every evening, around 5-ish. Solum will bring your laundry. Leave the door open and go for your walk or something. Let Solum clean the house properly."

He skimmed through the rest of the page. God! She could write about the mundane. Some switch here, some nail there, the adorable cluster of daisies somewhere else...He would return to this later. 

He poured some more gin, lay down on the floor and read the part he loved. How they had met, how between them they had the hair of woven sunlight and indigo ropes. How she had spoiled everything for him. How she had always loved him. How she almost destroyed him but later threw away the gun and came home to weave him a sweater. How he got fed up, left, and fell in love with another woman. How his brain froze. How his heart crumpled. And his body descended into decay like sand in an hourglass. 

He always closed his eyes around here. The next part was the only part he remembered clearly before he started forgetting everything, including her. He remembered the scent of oranges and jasmines. He remembered the black lace dress and the backpack made of taffeta - so ridiculous and pretty that it looked like wings.

She had saved him. Set him up. Looked around the world they had built together. Then she had kissed his hand and said goodbye.

"I have left something fresh in the shed. It will be ridiculously horrible without me but do go on. I am leaving my lucky star with you. Don't kill it okay? And I'm taking the 'N'."

And then Pansy got up, the way he had since the last 15 years. He walked to door and felt the rusty copper lettering on the wall. "Everland", he read.

He came back inside, sat on his chair and finished the rest of the letter.

"For your own good, Pansy...someday you'll understand.

Love, 

Tinkerbell"

A very earnest rant and a very sincere plea

Since I have been asked this numerous times in the last week...

1. Being separated is NOT the same thing as being divorced. And no, I don't think the marriage is 'dead'. If it were the person would be divorced. If you are dating someone who claims to be separated and is 'as good as divorced' etc., do not believe him or her. Because the marriage is still on. 

2. If you are 'separated' and dating someone, then maybe don't string someone else along. Or realize that you may be getting strung along because the other person is only interested in you BECAUSE you are married. So you being in a marriage leaves the other person free to not 'commit' or whatever.

3. If there are children involved, I don't know what is the point in knotting up everyone's life by having an affair.

4. If children are not involved, again I don't see the point in having a new partner without getting out of a marriage. 

5. If you don't have the financial means and are under physical threat and you really can't get out of the marriage for these reasons, this post is obviously not for you. And chances are that you would not be asking me for advice because you are tackling far more important things.

6. If you do have the financial means and are afraid of alienating family and society...well, then they aren't going anywhere. And if you don't have the guts to take a stand, then don't have the affair either. I doubt if they will bless the dalliance.

7. If you are fooling around when your wife is pregnant with your child or your husband has cancer...I mean...I don't know how to talk to you. And I could be biologically challenged in the area but I don't understand what 'needs' you may have that cannot be helped by...ahem...going solo. 

8. I got divorced after being separated for ages. Was it painful? Perhaps after my mom's death, that was THE most painful part of my life. And I would not have until one day my father asked me if I was okay living a lie because the person I was married to didn't want the same thing. I was lucky to have incredible family support. And actually my ex-husband did show compassion and decency that allowed for us to put this thing to rest without it getting ugly. But was it hard?  I still cannot think of that morning in court without a lump in my throat. But what was harder was looking at myself in the mirror day after day and making eye contact with a coward who rationalised a status quo by making excuses. No. That's not right.

9. Am I judgmental about this? Yes. And I intend to stay that way. So if you are separated or are dating someone separated and want to 'talk about it', please please spare me. I work 14 hour days and my cook is on leave. I honestly do NOT have the time or patience.

10. If you are married and having an affair with someone else who is also married...just what is the secret of your time and energy management? I disagree with your values but salute your skill to maneuver stuff around.