Since I have been asked this numerous times in the last week...
1. Being separated is NOT the same thing as being divorced. And no, I don't think the marriage is 'dead'. If it were the person would be divorced. If you are dating someone who claims to be separated and is 'as good as divorced' etc., do not believe him or her. Because the marriage is still on.
2. If you are 'separated' and dating someone, then maybe don't string someone else along. Or realize that you may be getting strung along because the other person is only interested in you BECAUSE you are married. So you being in a marriage leaves the other person free to not 'commit' or whatever.
3. If there are children involved, I don't know what is the point in knotting up everyone's life by having an affair.
4. If children are not involved, again I don't see the point in having a new partner without getting out of a marriage.
5. If you don't have the financial means and are under physical threat and you really can't get out of the marriage for these reasons, this post is obviously not for you. And chances are that you would not be asking me for advice because you are tackling far more important things.
6. If you do have the financial means and are afraid of alienating family and society...well, then they aren't going anywhere. And if you don't have the guts to take a stand, then don't have the affair either. I doubt if they will bless the dalliance.
7. If you are fooling around when your wife is pregnant with your child or your husband has cancer...I mean...I don't know how to talk to you. And I could be biologically challenged in the area but I don't understand what 'needs' you may have that cannot be helped by...ahem...going solo.
8. I got divorced after being separated for ages. Was it painful? Perhaps after my mom's death, that was THE most painful part of my life. And I would not have until one day my father asked me if I was okay living a lie because the person I was married to didn't want the same thing. I was lucky to have incredible family support. And actually my ex-husband did show compassion and decency that allowed for us to put this thing to rest without it getting ugly. But was it hard? I still cannot think of that morning in court without a lump in my throat. But what was harder was looking at myself in the mirror day after day and making eye contact with a coward who rationalised a status quo by making excuses. No. That's not right.
9. Am I judgmental about this? Yes. And I intend to stay that way. So if you are separated or are dating someone separated and want to 'talk about it', please please spare me. I work 14 hour days and my cook is on leave. I honestly do NOT have the time or patience.
10. If you are married and having an affair with someone else who is also married...just what is the secret of your time and energy management? I disagree with your values but salute your skill to maneuver stuff around.
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