Chiffonesque

 Today is Papa's birthday. He is in Vashi and according to a video that my brother sent, in good spirits. I have to complete a few assignments within a month. So I have decided to not leave home unless it's an emergency. I had to go get my father a gift but some unscheduled calls came up and I stayed back. Spoke to V after a long time.  Didn't get everything done today. Will get up early tomorrow morning to work.  Today I missed Mummy a lot. It was fresh grief as if I had lost her just an hour ago. I didn't realise that I looked miserable until my cook pointed out that I looked hollowed out. And she got me a jam sandwich and a cutlet. It was sweet of her. Anyway, that bout of excruciating missing came and went for a few hours and now it is gone. I am very tired. But I treated myself to two salads from Subway. I don't usually like salads but I love the Subway salads.  Have been nursing a large cup of black coffee that has gone cold. Will warm it up and call it a nigh...

 ...is what I would like. A bowl of hearty potato soup with chunks of charred garlic fried in butter. And a large, flaky croissant. Why? To cope with SO.MANY.NRIs having SO.MANY.OPINIONS on India. I used to think that us Indians were the most unnecessarily critical category of people. Apparently we become positively insufferable when we live in a more developed land...shrill and one-note.  In the absence of potato soup, I am having ginger tea and sitting in the mellow light of a dim living room. There's a full moon out there. I cannot see it. I send it my love. Taking a break before I do some yoga. Maybe yoga will help me put up with those brethren of mine who find this sub-continent such a painful boil. Well... We stayed. You left. Now shut up. PLEASE!

 I think Papa will go away for a few days. Tonight he fell asleep and woke up around midnight. He always says no when I offer a snack or a meal but doesn't refuse when I bring it to him. Tonight I got him steamed spinach dumplings. He can't digest refined flour anymore so these millet and buckwheat preparations are good. I am feeling really exhausted and wiped. Don't feel like meeting anyone or talking on the phone or even staying at home. Anyway, my way of climbing out of some emotional ditch is to record all the things that made me happy: 1. Talking to J. 2. Eating chilled lychees that Papa had peeled and kept for me in the fridge. 3. Yummy tea that the cleaning lady made. This was a surprise because I didn't know she could cook on the induction. But the weather being what it is, a second cup of nice hot tea is enough incentive to figure out something. 4. Went to a bookstore and it felt so nourishing and good. To be around books, to scan the spines for an interesting ...

Today, I ordered some Chinese food from Soba. Was trying it out for the first time. They make a buckwheat spring roll and a black rice salad that's really good. I woke up late with some body ache. Since Papa wakes up early, he usually makes me tea. And if he is not asleep after his meditation, he makes me the day's last cup of coffee. Those two cups of beverages are my favorite parts of the day. He really likes teaching and often has classes over Zoom. I am a very grouchy and sulking tech support. But I like my days with Papa in the house. We haven't entertained or had people over. But despite that, or because of it, life is quiet, silent, and knowing. There is the little rolls of fury and fear that I wake up every day with. But they don't seem formidable anymore. The sweet and sensitive part of me wakes up. The angry and stinging part of me wakes up. Then all of us integrate into a tesselated personality over Papa's cup of tea. It's like I become whole with eve...

 Has begun well. It didn't begin smoothly in the beginning but I got stuff on track with a little bit of focus and self-soothing. The weather was okay today. Worked steadily and didn't go out. Enjoyed my chilled Diet Coke post midnight - something to wind down with. I have always loved drinks that were black and red. (Not together.) I loved Chilled Coke or Pepsi poured slowly over three large ice-cubes i a re-frosted tall glass. It reminded me of one of my favorite places in the world - a spot on Marine Drive that is not so far, close to NCPA and not so close to traffic towards Marine Plaza. It is somewhere in the middle - a little spot where equivalence resides in a world of city chaos. The sea at that spot is where I imagine the city lights are brightest, yet most fluid. Like melted diamonds and rubies.  I jus finished a can of Coke now. I had it directly from the can so it didn't have the soft surrealism of a dark, bubbly drink in a cold tumbler. But well, no complaints....

Soon, in a few days - actually from tomorrow in a sense, I begin a rather intense phase of my life. Something that is feeling scary and exciting. I didn't think such a thing would happen so quickly...but turns out, it has. Of course, when anything this new comes up, you wonder how you are going to cope with it. There's no way of knowing, of course, other than getting into it headlong. But I suppose, one just has to be open to the new experience reconfiguring you completely. It's already clear that what happens from tomorrow requires me to be a completely different person. The question is, "Can I be?" I don't know. "Do I want to be?" Absolutely.  There was a quote on Elizabeth Gilbert's Facebook page that went something like this, "The person you think you are can't handle what's happening. The person you actually are, can." And at this specific point I begin a new segment in a rather nice life. 

 Woke up. Did one Surya namaskar. Prayed. Cleaning lady came. Made tea for both of us. Warmed up her breakfast. Roti, cauliflower sabzi and one sliced cheese. She kept the cheese back in the fridge. Doesn't like it. My back hurt. I called up J. I call her up when I am not feeling well. She advises me something that I don't follow. Then she will call me stubborn and call herself wise. This will make me laugh and I will feel better.  My heart felt tight and my stomach felt closed. It's been that way for a while. It's one of the days that happen usually when I start getting regular with meditation after a long spell of not doing anything much. Am taking really teensy steps now. This is my agenda now...I will do very little. But I will do them every day. As J.R.R. Tolkien said, "Little by little, one goes far." Started work. It went well. I was satisfied with what I did. There's room for improvement. But I felt it's a good start.  I looked out. Bandra was ...

 It's a Tuesday. There's much to do. V's gift arrived. I am so excited. I want to package rightaway - but it's not my gift and I know what it is so it's not a surprise - but still...it's a package one has shopped for. And one is tempted. Meanwhile there is soft, silver rain outside and a roar of thunder and a split of lightning and my sweet happy plants are trembling with the wind (and excitement). I have a work call soon and I believe it will go well. The windows are open, the routine city life is beautifully poetic and wet with a fuzzy music-video lie quality. One can easily imagine a nice and happy workday at Chikmanglur or Coorg. Now I am sleepy and need either hot tea or chilled Coke. No cook. So Coke it is. 

 1. I really miss Dahi Batata puri. I love that dish. The crisp puris, stuffed with evenly savory potato and/ or channa stuffings and a serving of cold, sweetened curd on it. I love it and I find myself thinking of it often.  2. Papa went to Vashi again and there was such a spring in his step when he left. I felt a little sad because he was leaving. But also because he seemed so relieved. I suppose I might have smothered him a bit watching every small move etc. But the day before he left, we went to Nature's Basket and on the way back, took a rickshaw ride through Mount Mary and Bandstand before we returned. He was quite pleased. I know that Nature's Basket can be pricey (it is if you buy imported and organic stuff). But it was so pretty and neat and cool...I don't know... it's going to be one way or the other financially for me this year (and possibly every other year) but I like going to nice, pretty places to shop around even if it is to see a pile of juicy peaches, ...