So that's how it will go

I am feeling pretty defeated today. 

I think I hadn't counted on how ill-prepared I was to see my father helpless. I guess I never thought it would ever be my dad. He still is stubborn - not wanting anyone to help him up, not wanting anyone to hold his trembling hand, not reminding him that he said the same thing a few seconds ago. It's also strange that my brother seems to be handling this better than I am. I don't think I had ever thought I would witness a circumstance involving my father where my brother showed more composure than me...but there it is. 

And there's possibly going to be a lockdown again and in Vashi, the only fruits that were available were semi-soft melons. No bananas, no mangoes, no grapes...strange. R, my cook, told me that she had got really nice fruits from Pali Market - so could I go and get some. She's quite ditzy like that - ask me to get stuff from Bandra so she can make the fruit custard that Papa would like. I mean - that specificity is why I brought her to take care of my dad, sure - but for me to buy fruits from Bandra and return to Vashi in 1 hour before the curfew set in - that's quite a task.

This morning I was asking my father if there was anything worrying him. And he said, "No, everything is great!" And the way he said it reminded me when I was stressed about something in college and he would ask me if I was okay. And I'd say that everything was great when it really wasn't. But I wouldn't talk about it with my father - because I thought he would worry or not understand or stress or do something rash to protect me but hurt himself or he would judge or just get sad. It occurred to me that he might be doing the same this time around. 

They say this about kids, right - that no two kids are the same and you must treat them differently according to their nature. It's the same with parents also. (None of this is news to the more soft-hearted and wise of you - but for the navel-gazing creature that I am, I'm only just realizing it.) My mom could (and would) tell me anything. If she wasn't telling me something because she thought I was being an idiot, she would even say that. And my mom always asked for help if she needed it. In a crowded movie hall or in an airport, if she felt weak and trembled and if for some reason one of us was not around her, she would straight-away hold the hand of a stranger and say, "I'm losing balance." And they would all very sweetly oblige. At the airport once, a young boy even bought her a cold drink which she sipped happily while inviting him to stay at our place.

My father, I realize today, won't ask. Rather, I think he won't ask me that. It's funny. I can see the scales balancing or the story almost coming full-circle. It's like I have to build a bond with him all over again...this time as a patient, responsible adult. 

There was an episode of this series, "Wonder Years" where the protagonist comes to terms after a rough issue with his family. The episode ends with his parents walking slowly into the sunset and his narration saying, "We don't blame our parents for getting older. We forgive ourselves for growing up."

Well, shouldn't be hard. Still - good luck to me.