Today V accompanied me to Mount Mary. I wanted to offer some candles for my friend's father's death anniversary. I had gone for his death ceremony to Dibrugarh. I had never met him but A, his daughter, is a very dear friend. I wanted to meet her.
V doesn't visit church. He gave some long spiel about having a pact with God where God doesn't visit him in his house and he doesn't visit God in His. Melodramatic scenes of Amitabh Bachchan clanging temple bells yelling at Shiva about how he never asked God for anything, etc. came to mind. Anyway, we weren't wearing masks as we got down from Mount Mary's. Got caught and fined. 200 bucks each.
Then we went and sat close to the rocks, chatted a while, and had coffee. I have noticed something strange in my talks with V. It's usually about similar themes...Bandra, our growing up years, modern-day relationships, sex, its importance and uselessness (depending on which of us is talking), etc. But then he will talk about his travels or something he noticed with a friend's child and I glimpse something... something dark, uncomfortable, and kind. Like a cave that stays empty until a meditator gets there to infuse it with his innocent chaos. There's a lot of unknown in that man.
And then he will notice me noticing that. That's when he will turn the spotlight on me and start listing all the ways I can improve. Make a joke of it. I will laugh. He will laugh. A cloud will pass over the moon and cover it. The cave shuts itself down. And we revert to a fascinating yet routine circus act.
Then V took me to Manju dosa and I loved the butter sada dosa I had there. Sure, it's a place that the dosa purists will hate...what with Schezwan and pav bhaji dosa, etc. But I loved my crisp, buttery dosa with tasty coconut chutney.
Today I ate a lot. Yet again, my brother had promised to come and he didn't. I had a lot of food prepared for him and I anyway ate a lot of that. Also, I was reading 'The drama of the gifted child' and it's a tough read. It forces you to re-examine your childhood, your relationship with your mother, what unresolved feelings you carry with you and project on to the world In this part that I am reading, Alice Miller presents a few case studies. Those were heart-wrenching. I felt quite exposed and vulnerable. Slept off for a few hours in the afternoon and had difficult dreams. So a lot of eating today was stress eating. That's okay. I walked up 8 floors to my flat. It's fine.
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