Friday

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So, here's what happened...brother and I met up at Carter's and I took him to a vegan place close-by. Portions were small. I like the food there but small portions really rile up the brother so he was gloomy throughout dinner. 

Here are pictures of a smoothie bowl and a vegan pizza. 



What else?

Oh yes! Yesterday, I talked to my broken toenail, ate my meds, prayed, and today the toenail came off. It's such a relief. Toe still throbs and hurts but it's much better now.

Yesterday when I was tending to my toenail, when I was cleaning it, etc., some really tough memories flooded my mind. Memories of a past relationship that had gone toxic beyond recognition. Had become abusive. Suddenly all those memories of me walking up stairs, fumbling to get through the door, with a knot in my stomach so afraid that I wouldn't know what I would find, what kind of language I would have to hear...it was sickening. My toenail was broken and bloodied. It still held on to the skin in quite a tough manner. It seemed like this toenail reminded me that even though that relationship was over, I still held on to some hatred and grief related to it. And that was possibly far more hurtful and damaging than I realised. I then prayed for strength to forgive that person and myself for allowing myself to be treated that way. It was time to be free of the pain... holding a grudge didn't help. And just as I exhaled, the nail came off.

I wish that was the happy ending of this predicament. But it's not. So many things started churning inside me. So many memories. So much loss and anger and just plain sadness. It made me nauseous and breathless. I sat down on the bed and thought of Mom. Thought of what she would tell me.

Very slowly things eased up and I could do some work. But I was put through the wringer today. I really feel emotionally exhausted. I wish, I wish, I wish I could take this year off to just reset to peace. 

It's strange...how much of an autobiography ones body is. How much trauma it holds on to. How much of a compass it becomes for ones future.

Well, tomorrow is another day. I'll live. 😊

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