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It is Friday and I had a fall. Back was sore but managed to sit up and come to work. I am not very happy with this new co-working space. It's hot and they don't have a tea and coffee machine. There is a man who comes with a tray of very tiny cups of tea and coffee. I take two cups.

I have been feeling so scattered today. I came to work and remembered that I left my charger at home. Then I left the office to get the charger and midway realized that I had left my house keys. Then I got back and took my house keys. The auto guy that I had engaged to take me to my home (and who was charge twenty rupees more than the regular Ola fare) wanted twenty more bucks for waiting 5 minutes. I said no. He shrugged, laughed into his phone he had been constantly talking into throughout the ride, and left.

It would be nice to have jam.

I am so excited to be meeting a close friend from Pune tomorrow. She's one of my favorite people and it has been ages since we last met. There are times when I miss Pune so much but I am doing my best to really settle into Bangalore now.

I think it is going well.

But I feel what is required is for me to actually sit and write out everything that I would like to have and put some kind of plan in place. Well, maybe not even plan - just a sense of what I would like the future to look like.

I find this to be a very powerful exercise. When I was working in a place in Bombay, I had wanted to take a 3 month break. I applied for leave and it was sanctioned contingent on my finishing up some stuff. In the time that I was working on these assignments, I was working on a master checklist of all the stuff that I wanted to do in those 3 months. This included taking up yoga, losing some weight, meet at least 7 new people, enjoy the city (Mumbai) by taking long bus rides in the early afternoon, spend the evening at Worli seaface, etc.

Then I lost the piece of paper.

Three months pass. I was finally fitting into a skirt I had bought long ago because I had lost the weight. I find a piece of paper in one of its pockets. It was the checklist.

I had done every single thing on that list.

Now, I intend to capture the lightning in the bottle again.

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1. Good intentions can, at times, feel toxic.

2. Today learned chandranamaskar in yoga. It is really something! I had not known of this before so hadn't expected that kind of stretch in the legs. Feels really good.

3. Spent quite a bit of time at Third Waves Coffee Roasters in Indiranagar. It was really nice! In fact, better than the Koramangala outlet. But way more crowded.

4. Spoke to a friend late in the night. It was good fun! 

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Today is my father's birthday. He said that my mum had got him a card.

Nowadays when I call home, my mum is usually asleep. When she is awake, she is usually in a fog. Nowadays she is forgetting things.

Today I called up and insisted that I speak with her. She came on the line and asked me how I was. I said I was okay. I asked her if she knew who I was. She answered that I was her daughter. I asked her what my name was. She said Mukta. (Not Chinky, my pet name.) I asked her if she remembered anything else about me. She was silent. I repeated the question. She then asked me, "Is it necessary?"

I thought about it. In my understanding of this life, I was born to my mother who also gave me my name. Today she remembers that connection over and above any other piece of identity I may have embellished my 'self' with.

In my understanding of this life for now, at least, nothing more is necessary.

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I was sitting with a friend one morning. Her kid was climbing a tree by the stream. I was eating a hot omelette drenched in ghee. My friend was slicing apples for the child. I was generally asking my very talented friend about whether she wanted to freelance for an agency I was in talks with.

Don't know how but the talk veered towards family and her marriage. On talking about her husband, she mentioned something like the basic consideration you need to be a partner, "it's missing." It struck me as odd, heartbreaking, and accurate. It also struck me as an apt description of my nature.

Not that I think that I feel I lack something basic in being a partner (my partners would disagree, perhaps.) But I do think that I do lack the ability of feeling regret. I don't know why or how this trait missed me. It's not because I am arrogant, the way one is in one's youth where you don't even know what experiences await you. It's also not because I believe in the philosophy of everything happening for a reason. I used to believe that but now I am not so sure. There's a delicious notoriety to randomness also. So if whatever that has happened to me has happened for no apparent reason, that is cool too.

But I genuinely don't think I have regretted anything. I am in Bangalore now. My mum who is ailing me is in Bombay. I have no reason to be in Bangalore. I call mum 8 times every day to find out how she is. But I caught a flight to come away from her.

The other day she was very very unwell. I was worried. I planned to move back to Bombay or at least, Pune, for good. I felt overwhelmed. While talking to a couple of friends, they told me to be home with my mother because if something happened to her, I would regret it.

And that, I know for a fact, that I won't.

I have not been a great daughter. I could have been more kind and more accepting. I know that I have not done every single thing in my hands to make things better for her.

And yet of all the things I have ever felt about my situation or can ever feel, regret isn't one of them.

Many years ago, mum and I were in a resort somewhere. She was wearing my grandmother's shawl. Something happened and the shawl got damaged. My mother was very sad because it was my grandmom's last gift to her. I told my mother that if the person who had gifted her the shawl had passed on and we had learned to live without her, why must we cling to the shawl? I don't know why but my mother considered that to be very wise. So much so that nearly every few months or so, she would remind me of that and ask me how I could have that kind of wisdom.

Mom was always worried that I am too stupid for the world. I will always get taken advantage of or I can't see through people. I am too much of a people-pleaser to be strong emotionally. When she started falling sick, I think this worry was so strong that it worsened her health.

Until one day, it changed. When I moved to Pune.

When she had come to visit me, she once asked me what I felt when I entered an empty house. I told her the truth...that it felt like the bliss that came as a high form of privilege. To enter a space where you live and find yourself alone is such a blessing. That peace just washes over you like a waterfall. Everyone you love is well, but at a distance. And here you are - in a sweet haven of solitude.

She didn't understand. That's not how she sees life, home or living. But I sense that that is when she really understood that I am very different from her. That her standards of worry could not apply to my world. What she considered painful, I considered a privilege.

Many years later, I was out having coffee with my mother. I think I asked her something along the lines of whether she was happy with the family she built. She thought about it honestly. She said that while there was much to be desired, she really admired enough about each one in the family to realize that it had been well worth the while. I didn't pursue any further questioning. Then my mother told me that she really admired me for being so happy by myself. For being able to relish an empty home.

Today she is unwell. Very. And true to her nature, she is always worried about everyone. But I notice that she is not as worried about me as she was before. Of the many things I count as my successes, it is this - make my mum believe that I'm going to be okay, no matter what.

Night

I am sitting on a park bench in my apartment complex. It's a nice enough night. Cool. Next to this bench is another bench. A couple is sitting there discussing commute time. Earlier, I spoke with my father, my mother, and a friend. Things feel strange.

Have to start clearing space now. 

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I am now in Bangalore and I don't know why. I slept really well in my house last night - back to a living of slumber-bag and kettle. But when I reached Bangalore, I had a good meal at a friend's place. Then at night, I went for dinner to Koramangala. My heart was not in it. Koramangala I used to regard as a bright and shiny little treasure trove earlier. Yesterday, it felt dull. Just overall, everything is feeling dull.

I don't like it here without my mother. But then, in Bombay, I didn't quite like it without my mother being her old self either. It is very great and deep luxury, I think, to just relax and observe the decay of one's life. Because it is decaying. Every single minute, something is wilting. In that context, working to earn a living is a bit of a salvation and bit of a pain.

I went to a place called Claytopia last night. You can paint mugs at the studio while you wait for food. It was a charming place but the food wasn't so good. I was drawn to the Thukpa on the menu but it was just so mediocre. Watery, very sparse seasoning, and some kind of weird,chewy mushrooms. Anyway, that is that.

Day 1 was done. I now need a place to go and work tomorrow since I don't have a table at home. Just everything feels like wading through quicksand at the moment.

And the best way out I think, is to relax, sink deeper, and get out.

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Today has comprised of the following things:

1. Wore the new black and white dress from Limeroad. It looked pretty.

2. Made plans to go to watch Aladdin with a friend. Did not work out. Felt bummed.

3. Went for a walk this morning. Felt really good. So many beautiful lakes have now come near the marsh/ lake/ waterbody. The water itself is so gorgeous - a kind grey with ripples looking like folds in silk.

4. Broke a nail and my finger bled.

5. So tired - FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING tired of having to work on weekends. I DO NOT want to work over the weekends anymore. It is now stifling me. An acquaintance. long ago, had told me that performance of our machines and gadgets are closely linked to our mental and emotional state. (He had also pegged it to horoscope. So since my Mercury is weak, apparently, I have a problem with electronic devices.) Forget the horoscope. But I feel like my computer and phone definitely mirror my mental state. They are never charged enough. Even if I put them on charge, the wire gets loose or I forget to turn the switch on. Then time goes by. I still use the phone and computer and they are not adequately charged. Or I use them while they are still on charge so they aren't getting charged properly. I think that is what is happening with me. Just lining everything up over the weekend and I can't enjoy anything. Spend time at home, work on the projects, tend to a headache, get chores done, etc. The main thing is attending to my mother. I want to be my cheeriest and strongest when I am around her. But I am not always that way. So I have to prepare by doing some strong breathing exercises and meditation and work-out before I hand out with my mum - so that I don't lose patience, feel guilty, let the guilt immobilize me so that I can't work, go and make amends with mom - by which time she  is already asleep. While love may make things easy, I think it needs a certain strength and preparation to actually DO the loving. And all this work over the weekends is just getting in the way.

6. Tomorrow, I WILL NOT change my plans. I am going to Bandra to meet a friend. And unless he cancels, I am not cancelling. I WILL NOT.

7. It's okay. Nothing is insurmountable. I have a home, I have food on the plate, enough money to pay rent for a house in Bangalore I am not staying in - but I hope that the money is helping the landlord enjoy his life in some way, enough cash and health to take a cab, go for coffee, dress up and go to the movies. Granted - it's no vacation to Europe. But man! What newfound respect and appreciation for I have for mobility. To be able to take a break - physically - even if the mind does not let on - is a huge thing.

8.  My mum is still there. And everyday, even if it is for a few minutes, I see her smile. For that alone, and with that alone, much can be withstood.