Chiffonesque

It is Friday and I had a fall. Back was sore but managed to sit up and come to work. I am not very happy with this new co-working space. It's hot and they don't have a tea and coffee machine. There is a man who comes with a tray of very tiny cups of tea and coffee. I take two cups. I have been feeling so scattered today. I came to work and remembered that I left my charger at home. Then I left the office to get the charger and midway realized that I had left my house keys. Then I got back and took my house keys. The auto guy that I had engaged to take me to my home (and who was charge twenty rupees more than the regular Ola fare) wanted twenty more bucks for waiting 5 minutes. I said no. He shrugged, laughed into his phone he had been constantly talking into throughout the ride, and left. It would be nice to have jam. I am so excited to be meeting a close friend from Pune tomorrow. She's one of my favorite people and it has been ages since we last met. There are time...

1. Good intentions can, at times, feel toxic. 2. Today learned chandranamaskar in yoga. It is really something! I had not known of this before so hadn't expected that kind of stretch in the legs. Feels really good. 3. Spent quite a bit of time at Third Waves Coffee Roasters in Indiranagar. It was really nice! In fact, better than the Koramangala outlet. But way more crowded. 4. Spoke to a friend late in the night. It was good fun! 

Today is my father's birthday. He said that my mum had got him a card. Nowadays when I call home, my mum is usually asleep. When she is awake, she is usually in a fog. Nowadays she is forgetting things. Today I called up and insisted that I speak with her. She came on the line and asked me how I was. I said I was okay. I asked her if she knew who I was. She answered that I was her daughter. I asked her what my name was. She said Mukta. (Not Chinky, my pet name.) I asked her if she remembered anything else about me. She was silent. I repeated the question. She then asked me, "Is it necessary?" I thought about it. In my understanding of this life, I was born to my mother who also gave me my name. Today she remembers that connection over and above any other piece of identity I may have embellished my 'self' with. In my understanding of this life for now, at least, nothing more is necessary.

I was sitting with a friend one morning. Her kid was climbing a tree by the stream. I was eating a hot omelette drenched in ghee. My friend was slicing apples for the child. I was generally asking my very talented friend about whether she wanted to freelance for an agency I was in talks with. Don't know how but the talk veered towards family and her marriage. On talking about her husband, she mentioned something like the basic consideration you need to be a partner, "it's missing." It struck me as odd, heartbreaking, and accurate. It also struck me as an apt description of my nature. Not that I think that I feel I lack something basic in being a partner (my partners would disagree, perhaps.) But I do think that I do lack the ability of feeling regret. I don't know why or how this trait missed me. It's not because I am arrogant, the way one is in one's youth where you don't even know what experiences await you. It's also not because I believe i...

I am sitting on a park bench in my apartment complex. It's a nice enough night. Cool. Next to this bench is another bench. A couple is sitting there discussing commute time. Earlier, I spoke with my father, my mother, and a friend. Things feel strange. Have to start clearing space now. 

I am now in Bangalore and I don't know why. I slept really well in my house last night - back to a living of slumber-bag and kettle. But when I reached Bangalore, I had a good meal at a friend's place. Then at night, I went for dinner to Koramangala. My heart was not in it. Koramangala I used to regard as a bright and shiny little treasure trove earlier. Yesterday, it felt dull. Just overall, everything is feeling dull. I don't like it here without my mother. But then, in Bombay, I didn't quite like it without my mother being her old self either. It is very great and deep luxury, I think, to just relax and observe the decay of one's life. Because it is decaying. Every single minute, something is wilting. In that context, working to earn a living is a bit of a salvation and bit of a pain. I went to a place called Claytopia last night. You can paint mugs at the studio while you wait for food. It was a charming place but the food wasn't so good. I was drawn to...

Today has comprised of the following things: 1. Wore the new black and white dress from Limeroad. It looked pretty. 2. Made plans to go to watch Aladdin with a friend. Did not work out. Felt bummed. 3. Went for a walk this morning. Felt really good. So many beautiful lakes have now come near the marsh/ lake/ waterbody. The water itself is so gorgeous - a kind grey with ripples looking like folds in silk. 4. Broke a nail and my finger bled. 5. So tired - FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING tired of having to work on weekends. I DO NOT want to work over the weekends anymore. It is now stifling me. An acquaintance. long ago, had told me that performance of our machines and gadgets are closely linked to our mental and emotional state. (He had also pegged it to horoscope. So since my Mercury is weak, apparently, I have a problem with electronic devices.) Forget the horoscope. But I feel like my computer and phone definitely mirror my mental state. They are never charged enough. Even if I put...