953

Long time ago, I had written a post and some people had not liked it. I don't remember the details. However, one person had something like, "You need help." I don't think it was said with any degree of empathy. It was certainly not said with any degree of concern either. And I wonder why that phrase has come to represent such an insult or a put-down. In any case, that person probably had diagnosed something pretty accurately at the time.

I do need help and I'd like details of some people I can actually talk to.

Lately, I have felt very shattered and overwhelmed. There is no outward reason for I. But it has come to the point where I have started feeling a dull sense of solace in this exasperation. I talk, chat, smile, go for walks, crack jokes, sparkle at the odd dinners, show up for yoga - but I carry within me a knot that is hardening every minute with every interaction. It's easy to peg everything on the job or the past or the society but I don't think that's it. I find myself feeling helpless in a strange sort of way.

To cut a long story short, I do think I need help.

If anyone knows of a good counsellor in Pune, can you please share the contact details. I have asked a couple of friends but they don't quite know.

Many times I am criticized for being so open on a public forum - a space where I really don't exclude anyone. Family reads it, friends read it, people at work may or may not read it, ex-colleagues might, exes of any stripes might as well. It is not always easy. Consequences of doing that have been hard. Many times it's ridicule, sometimes it's derision for being attention-seeking. Why do I continue to do it?

One is Salman Rushdie's Shame and the passage that he has written when Omar Khayyam first goes to school and his aunts' advice on how to deal with that crippling, debilitating, overpowering, impotence-inducing emotion: shame. "Do not ever, ever feel it", they said. (I strongly urge everyone to either read the novel or go to a bookstore, hunt out that paragraph and go through that at least.)

The other is an incident that happened in my second week in Pune. I took a rick from my house to get to office. I asked the autorickshaw driver to take a U-turn and drop me in front of the office. He said no and how he had made a mistake taking me on because he didn't want to take a turn. Then he started yelling and I yelled back. I told him if he didn't take the turn, he could say goodbye to his fare. He took the turn, I got off, and as I walked across to office, he yelled 'Rundi'. That means slut in English.

He yelled it.

The guards at the workplace heard it. Some people from office who have tea in a stall nearby heard it. The place I buy cold bottles of water also heard it. I kept hearing it in my head for many many days. Anyway, that day I somehow reached office. I did not cry in the office bathroom as I would have usually. I just really honestly thought of what it would be to land up wherever he was and shoot him. On his groin. I went over that sequence again and again in my head. My stomach was burning and my head was exploding.

I called up a friend. I told him what had happened. I told him what the auto-fellow had called me. And he said, "Slut toh slut. Don't bother. Take a day off and go home." I didn't go home. I did bother. But I felt a very deep sense of relief. For some reason I don't know what was going on in my head but I wanted someone to take the sting of shame away from me. I wanted to deal with my anger that anyway ruins my system so quickly. I didn't want to deal with shame also. Anyway, I always hear a lot of remarks about what I wear and how I am overfriendly with guys (although how anyone thinks I am anyway even remotely polite with anyone - leave alone over-friendly, I don't know.)

But I think taken collectively, these two things clarified something in my mind - I will not feel shame. I.will.not. If I do, on instinct, I will reverse it. If I am asked to feel it, I will deny it. If I cannot manage to do it, then I will still try doggedly.

Anyway, I have tried very very hard to deal with whatever anger or residual pain that keeps choking me intermittently. I am not strong or willing enough to cope with it anymore. I always consider options like going to Bombay, back to my parents. I consider locking this blog down and be done with it. Or change cities and life. Or become vegan. But if the past is any indicator, none of it will work permanently.

So, yes, I need help.

If anyone knows of a good counsellor in Pune or even Bombay who I can meet over a weekend, please do let me know. Thank you.