Sunday, July 06, 2014

953

Long time ago, I had written a post and some people had not liked it. I don't remember the details. However, one person had something like, "You need help." I don't think it was said with any degree of empathy. It was certainly not said with any degree of concern either. And I wonder why that phrase has come to represent such an insult or a put-down. In any case, that person probably had diagnosed something pretty accurately at the time.

I do need help and I'd like details of some people I can actually talk to.

Lately, I have felt very shattered and overwhelmed. There is no outward reason for I. But it has come to the point where I have started feeling a dull sense of solace in this exasperation. I talk, chat, smile, go for walks, crack jokes, sparkle at the odd dinners, show up for yoga - but I carry within me a knot that is hardening every minute with every interaction. It's easy to peg everything on the job or the past or the society but I don't think that's it. I find myself feeling helpless in a strange sort of way.

To cut a long story short, I do think I need help.

If anyone knows of a good counsellor in Pune, can you please share the contact details. I have asked a couple of friends but they don't quite know.

Many times I am criticized for being so open on a public forum - a space where I really don't exclude anyone. Family reads it, friends read it, people at work may or may not read it, ex-colleagues might, exes of any stripes might as well. It is not always easy. Consequences of doing that have been hard. Many times it's ridicule, sometimes it's derision for being attention-seeking. Why do I continue to do it?

One is Salman Rushdie's Shame and the passage that he has written when Omar Khayyam first goes to school and his aunts' advice on how to deal with that crippling, debilitating, overpowering, impotence-inducing emotion: shame. "Do not ever, ever feel it", they said. (I strongly urge everyone to either read the novel or go to a bookstore, hunt out that paragraph and go through that at least.)

The other is an incident that happened in my second week in Pune. I took a rick from my house to get to office. I asked the autorickshaw driver to take a U-turn and drop me in front of the office. He said no and how he had made a mistake taking me on because he didn't want to take a turn. Then he started yelling and I yelled back. I told him if he didn't take the turn, he could say goodbye to his fare. He took the turn, I got off, and as I walked across to office, he yelled 'Rundi'. That means slut in English.

He yelled it.

The guards at the workplace heard it. Some people from office who have tea in a stall nearby heard it. The place I buy cold bottles of water also heard it. I kept hearing it in my head for many many days. Anyway, that day I somehow reached office. I did not cry in the office bathroom as I would have usually. I just really honestly thought of what it would be to land up wherever he was and shoot him. On his groin. I went over that sequence again and again in my head. My stomach was burning and my head was exploding.

I called up a friend. I told him what had happened. I told him what the auto-fellow had called me. And he said, "Slut toh slut. Don't bother. Take a day off and go home." I didn't go home. I did bother. But I felt a very deep sense of relief. For some reason I don't know what was going on in my head but I wanted someone to take the sting of shame away from me. I wanted to deal with my anger that anyway ruins my system so quickly. I didn't want to deal with shame also. Anyway, I always hear a lot of remarks about what I wear and how I am overfriendly with guys (although how anyone thinks I am anyway even remotely polite with anyone - leave alone over-friendly, I don't know.)

But I think taken collectively, these two things clarified something in my mind - I will not feel shame. I.will.not. If I do, on instinct, I will reverse it. If I am asked to feel it, I will deny it. If I cannot manage to do it, then I will still try doggedly.

Anyway, I have tried very very hard to deal with whatever anger or residual pain that keeps choking me intermittently. I am not strong or willing enough to cope with it anymore. I always consider options like going to Bombay, back to my parents. I consider locking this blog down and be done with it. Or change cities and life. Or become vegan. But if the past is any indicator, none of it will work permanently.

So, yes, I need help.

If anyone knows of a good counsellor in Pune or even Bombay who I can meet over a weekend, please do let me know. Thank you.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mukta I have read most of your blogs. You are a strong women. I hope you overcome whatever is bothering you at the earliest. You can try WWW.1to1help.net Their office is not in Pune or Mumbai so face to face meeting will be an issue however you can take online and telephonic help. You can try talking to the counsellor. Hope it helps. Please take care. Can I contact you over mail ?

mukta raut said...

oh yes, sure. thank you so much. its mukta.raut@gmail.com

mukta raut said...

also, I am not able to register to that website.

Anonymous said...

MR,
You should go and see anybody you can find. Counselling, coupled with medicine, will surely help. And, you can always change the counsellor or the doctor later on.. if you are not satisfied. Atleast, you would be in a better position to make this call.

Also, though I don't know nothing about your personal life.. you really need to hang out with a person of opposite sex.. even if without any commitment.

Last thing, hear what your friends and family has to say. They know you. They've seen you grow and bloom. They will tell you what is not right at this point in your life.

Jagdeep Kaur said...

shame, yep, never feel it, never, ever. once, someone had said something quite silly to me too. i was returning home after spending some time at a usual hangout, when some random dude commented, "aaj koi customer nahi mila kya?" on my way out of that area. like a cow, i usually just keep taking in stuff when i am out, and then when i am home, or somewhere more relaxed, i regurgitate events and thoughts etc and put them in different compartments in my head. for all practical purposes, that comment never affected me. growing up, as i am, in delhi, i had faced worse, much, much worse. but it must've left some mark, somewhere, for me to have remembered it. i was, i think, about 20-21 then. but, then, and now, it's just there in my head, as a memory; i chose to not let it affect me; it doesn't. just sharing it here, so you know, you are not alone. almost everyone does that; take their immense shortcomings out on other people, mostly people they know are better than them. forgive them; ignore them; they can't help it.

deep, deep breath, and a smile. keep these well stocked.

btw, i am thoroughly enjoying coming back to live with my parents. would've loved to go on living here if there weren't certain matters that needed my attention. if you really feel it deep-down; go ahead, go back home. there's something healing about having a mommy around and about. :)

or, just call me; make sure that you do that regularly, if not everyday. maybe every 2nd day. :) i tried your number, your phone was off.

and don't take indications from the past; the future might surprise you. :D

Puneet said...

I don't live in India so cannot help you with any known counselor info, sorry.
People in India try to belittle women by using cuss words or calling them a prostitute. It doesn't or rather it shouldn't reflect on whom they call but who calls them that. Seriously!
If I can help in any other way, do let me know.

Anonymous said...

I have dropped you a regarding registration . Please check.

Anonymous said...

I have dropped you a mail regarding registration. Please check.

Anonymous said...

Mukta,

There are two ways to live your life –

1. You turn yourself into a person you’d like people to know you as.
2. You stay what you are and deal with what people think of you.

Looks like you have chosen the second option. The issue with you is that you know what needs to be changed, but you have already given up thinking it has never quite worked in the past. So, why bother now? If you think you can dress up more ‘decent’, be less vocal or direct, refrain from responding at different times, half your problem is solved right there! Trust me, most people don’t even know what’s wrong with them!

Talking to a psychiatrist involves a lot of sessions, a few sessions won’t cut it. Talk to people who know you best. Start practicing a different behavior with them. You will see the results in the form of the feedback they give you. Then just turn them into habits and all should be well. Make finding the right life-partner a priority. Settling down changes life for the better.

Btw, have you ever tried Vipassana? You should, if you already haven’t.