Over 32 years, I think I have seen several lows. Yesterday was the worst. It was worse than the worst that had happened in the worst part of my life. There was shame, betrayal, and such erosion of trust that I got physically ill. I balled up with pain in my stomach, my head started hurting, my legs were shivering, and I actually started foaming a little at the mouth. This was anger, a familiar emotion in a completely new avatar.
I don't know how long I lay curled up like that on my bed. There comes a point in emotional exhaustion when you just give up. You capitulate to whatever nonsense wants to besiege you and kill you. I was probably there. Suddenly I woke up to some soft humming. My mum was singing to me. So softly...it sounded like the song was traveling through all those years from childhood. She was stroking my hair, gently. It felt like sea-breeze. But she wasn't getting me to sleep. She was actually waking me up.
I woke. She then took me to the kitchen and made me coffee. We sat on the steps in the dim moonlight and sipped it. It was so peaceful that I could have been asleep or I could have been dead.
My mother is just so right for me. I could go through those sickening, rotten episodes all over again to feel this loving satiety once more. But mum being mum, after the coffee was done, told me to rinse the cups and then "go the hell back to sleep!"
And no, I didn't tell her that she had woken me up. After all, I'd just had the best coffee in the world!
I don't know how long I lay curled up like that on my bed. There comes a point in emotional exhaustion when you just give up. You capitulate to whatever nonsense wants to besiege you and kill you. I was probably there. Suddenly I woke up to some soft humming. My mum was singing to me. So softly...it sounded like the song was traveling through all those years from childhood. She was stroking my hair, gently. It felt like sea-breeze. But she wasn't getting me to sleep. She was actually waking me up.
I woke. She then took me to the kitchen and made me coffee. We sat on the steps in the dim moonlight and sipped it. It was so peaceful that I could have been asleep or I could have been dead.
My mother is just so right for me. I could go through those sickening, rotten episodes all over again to feel this loving satiety once more. But mum being mum, after the coffee was done, told me to rinse the cups and then "go the hell back to sleep!"
And no, I didn't tell her that she had woken me up. After all, I'd just had the best coffee in the world!
Comments