Won't you sit down?

Some people put uncomfortable furniture in their houses on purpose. They do that to gauge how unsuspecting guests will react to discomfort. This, by the way, is an exceedingly humorous 'timepass', if you're not too concerned about bad karma or Italian vendetta. (The last bit is based on an insightful episode of Johny Bravo. That man is genius.)

So, some guys have the centre table located in what is probably the centre of the neighborhood and not the room. So if you want to reach out to take that kebab or put down the glass, you'll need to extend your arms and risk dislocating a vertebra. (which, as my stupid cousin peering over my shoulder just pointed out, is not located in the arm..my point is that such strenuous stretches are bad for the back as well. This is what I meant. I have such Complan-deprived cousins!)

Then they'll have gaddis so soft that it feels like candyfloss. These mattresses do make that statement of 'cultured, refined poet, also humanitarian and sommelier' but they're pains in what touches them first when you plonk. It's not a good idea to sit in them if you want to get up anytime soon.

Then, out of the blue, there'll be a huge, jeweled sword that'll hang on the wall like a Rajput Clint Eastwood lopsided grin. Someone will invariably knock it down and cause trouble. Also, beautiful books in cupboards which don't open unless you irrevocably damage a cuticle.

But the very worst in my opinion are the sofas. They are those sofas that people buy to make their homes look chic and stylish. They are the kinds that are made of that leathery, rexiny material that perhaps looked good on a bovine wannabe. But it's supposed to make a room look 'Soho', so there it is…the pride and joy of the living room.

The problem with such sofas is that it makes the guest come across as uncouth. Not just uncouth, but uncouth with a gluttony problem. When you sit on such a sofa and move, you make a sound. That sound causes other people sitting on cane furniture or wooden chairs to wrinkle up their noses. But you haven't done anything wrong. You just moved because you were feeling stiff. You look imploringly for understanding but sorry. How do you explain the sound? That it was the 'sofa'? A likely story!

Anyway, I always think about how people go to these furniture showrooms and sit on the sofa, feel it all over, before they decide to buy it. So, what is it about these 'hide'-ous sofas that makes people disregard the obvious demerit? I mean, if ANYTHING in the house evokes memories of flatulence, it's wrong. I thought that was a no-brainer.

But then, perhaps no-one can resist great advertising, as I found out the other day.

I was crossing some wet, stinky area - I think Dharavi, but could be anywhere else in Mumbai, when I saw this poster. It had a beige Brando-like gas sofa sitting regally on a wooden floor. Think 'plush'; think 'money'; think 'luxe.' Anyway, the idea of this advertisement was that this piece of furniture is not just furniture. It's Sofa and Art. So if you want one of these pieces, ladies and gentlement, contact the no.: ****** for SOFART.

SOFART: the new dime in home design.

Now, ain't that bumbling-bee tempting!

Come into my parlor,
And that's just a start,
Get your hiney in here,
And sit on this SOFART.