Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Won't you sit down?

Some people put uncomfortable furniture in their houses on purpose. They do that to gauge how unsuspecting guests will react to discomfort. This, by the way, is an exceedingly humorous 'timepass', if you're not too concerned about bad karma or Italian vendetta. (The last bit is based on an insightful episode of Johny Bravo. That man is genius.)

So, some guys have the centre table located in what is probably the centre of the neighborhood and not the room. So if you want to reach out to take that kebab or put down the glass, you'll need to extend your arms and risk dislocating a vertebra. (which, as my stupid cousin peering over my shoulder just pointed out, is not located in the arm..my point is that such strenuous stretches are bad for the back as well. This is what I meant. I have such Complan-deprived cousins!)

Then they'll have gaddis so soft that it feels like candyfloss. These mattresses do make that statement of 'cultured, refined poet, also humanitarian and sommelier' but they're pains in what touches them first when you plonk. It's not a good idea to sit in them if you want to get up anytime soon.

Then, out of the blue, there'll be a huge, jeweled sword that'll hang on the wall like a Rajput Clint Eastwood lopsided grin. Someone will invariably knock it down and cause trouble. Also, beautiful books in cupboards which don't open unless you irrevocably damage a cuticle.

But the very worst in my opinion are the sofas. They are those sofas that people buy to make their homes look chic and stylish. They are the kinds that are made of that leathery, rexiny material that perhaps looked good on a bovine wannabe. But it's supposed to make a room look 'Soho', so there it is…the pride and joy of the living room.

The problem with such sofas is that it makes the guest come across as uncouth. Not just uncouth, but uncouth with a gluttony problem. When you sit on such a sofa and move, you make a sound. That sound causes other people sitting on cane furniture or wooden chairs to wrinkle up their noses. But you haven't done anything wrong. You just moved because you were feeling stiff. You look imploringly for understanding but sorry. How do you explain the sound? That it was the 'sofa'? A likely story!

Anyway, I always think about how people go to these furniture showrooms and sit on the sofa, feel it all over, before they decide to buy it. So, what is it about these 'hide'-ous sofas that makes people disregard the obvious demerit? I mean, if ANYTHING in the house evokes memories of flatulence, it's wrong. I thought that was a no-brainer.

But then, perhaps no-one can resist great advertising, as I found out the other day.

I was crossing some wet, stinky area - I think Dharavi, but could be anywhere else in Mumbai, when I saw this poster. It had a beige Brando-like gas sofa sitting regally on a wooden floor. Think 'plush'; think 'money'; think 'luxe.' Anyway, the idea of this advertisement was that this piece of furniture is not just furniture. It's Sofa and Art. So if you want one of these pieces, ladies and gentlement, contact the no.: ****** for SOFART.

SOFART: the new dime in home design.

Now, ain't that bumbling-bee tempting!

Come into my parlor,
And that's just a start,
Get your hiney in here,
And sit on this SOFART.

8 comments:

jaygee said...

Hahahahah!!! Go to China Wok or Asia Wok .. wotever that is atop shoppers stop in bandra and sofart.. away!!!

Leela said...

Sofart! Now how can one refuse an invitation like that.

Good stuff, Mukta.

Nagesh Pai said...

Never realized the Sonic element of designer furniture, which can create misleading perceptions about the gastronomic condition of its occupant!

Maybe the makers of the Sonic sofa should have this message printed..."It wasnt the occupant" hehe

oglidonkee said...

Listen Mukta the dudes a genious!
Now what do you call a home .. your friends place, your cousins house nah... really i wud like to be in a place where i can just sit on my "SOFA" and fart, without having to think 2 much.

Et pour sa ... mon beau 'SOFART'

Ash said...

hehe..seriously, sometimes real life is SOOOO much funnier than any fiction ! :))

Anonymous said...

SOFART SOFART SOFART...I love that word. I am never going to forget in my life, ever. If I ever remember to sober up from this giggling fit that your post has sent me into.

Simply great!!!!

.f.l.a.v.o.u.r.s. said...

Sofart is So-Fart! I've had a similar feeling about home decors. While the homes you see on TV are properly interiored, thats not the case in a typical middle class family.

While couple of homes are *indeed* well kept, there are many which look like a museum. One look and you can tell where have these folks been.... There'll be Carpets and Puppets from Jaipur, Swords from Mysore, Shells from Goa, Corals from Andaman, and what not.. (Ok.. I just told abt my own home but 9 out of 10 I've seen are like these only)

Lately, I've started to like the Japanese minimalistic way of putting things.. take out my sovenier junk and your plush sofas, put in functional chairs, acupuncture mats, and cushions. For decoration there'll be one buddha figurine and a Katana sword (which in most cases will be a family heirloom) Now thats cool, clean and Not-so-fart.

(PS: this is only the drawing room, ofcourse the kids room shud be non-minimalistic and filled with toys suitable for his gender)

Mukta said...

Hi jaygee,

yes. asia wok..thats another sad story waiting to be told.

Hi leela,
thanks..but actually, one MUST refuse an invitation like that for the sake of one's interest. hee hee!

Nagesh,
As usual - an excellent suggestion!

Oglidonkee - hi! :-D

Ash - seriously! you are so right. I mean, if someone were making this up, you'd think it to be so contrived, na? but nope.

Hi Anonymous - u like the word, huh? some copywriter somewhere is very very happy!

hey flavors,
you know, even with all the hoi-polloi stuff, these flats do have their own charm, don't they?!