Monday, August 15, 2005

Life is calling…where are you?


Oh I’ll tell you where I am alright! I’m in this tubular excavated space in the wall that, in Bandra..and only in Bandra, is known as a trial room. I’ve come here to try out a pair of jeans but clearly, not being a hobbit is a disadvantage.

So, I bump here and there and stamp my own feet twice. To add to that, there’s an infernal low-slung fan that gets switched on when my head bumps against it. I have to try out two pairs – one black and one blue…to go with my bruises, am sure. Ah! There’s much to be said for denim metaphors.

Then there’s the waist size. My waist is, say ‘x’. So if I try out a pair of jeans that says Waist size: ‘x’, it should fit me, right? Well, turns out it doesn’t. And it’s not even those low-cut, circle the hips thingies. It’s a regular pair; but then again what does regular really mean anyway.
My extremely foul friend stands outside bubbling with insult as she listens to Rabbi.

‘What’s taking you so long?’

‘These jeans aren’t fitting me.’

‘Why? You said your waist size was ‘x’.’

‘It is…but these jeans are not reaching the waist. Once it reaches there, it’ll fit.’

‘What do you mean once it reaches there! Okay..wait. I’ll get you another pair.’

So I’m handed another pair that I struggle to get into. This one has ‘stretch’ marked on it, so I’m hopeful.

It doesn’t fit either and I’ve already banged my knuckles on one of the walls.

‘This doesn’t stretch.’

‘What?’

‘It says stretch but it doesn’t stretch.’

‘Listen idiot..it’s supposed to stretch a little…not expand like a sofa cover.’

Note to self: Sofa covers expand. Home furnishings is an interesting world.

‘You’ve become fat,’ she continues.

‘Is that a bad thing?’, I ask getting into the jeans I wore when I got into this extremely vile trial room.

She doesn’t answer because she’s checking out extremely stylish but impractical handbags.

I get out and limp into the sunset.

So that’s where I was when life was calling.

I should keep a full-length photograph of myself for the sake of posterity.

Some person somewhere in the distant future (like 2007 or thenabouts) telling her daughter:

‘See women used to look like this before.’

‘What’s this, Ma’, the sweet daughter would ask pointing to an area that now, is a sore point with me.



‘Hips’, Ma would say wisely and then get up to cook dinner.

11 comments:

Nagesh Pai said...

Was the trial room sized "X" too? ;-) hehehe coz it seems you jusssst fit in there... kidding before you give me a free bi-color rayban.. Black on right and blue to the left :-)

I am rolling after reading this.. being shameless, since the "sore" part in me .. my tummy is showing signs of sofa cover xpansion :-)

Boy this was a button blaster post!

Manish said...

Hi Mukta,

It looks like it wasnt a particularly happy shopping experience then ... i am assuming that the brand of jeans has a lot to do with it ... u know how in shoes they will have a US or a UK size.. that stands true for lot of international brands for clothes as well.. like when i wear a medium or large size of shirt of indian brands i might have to revert back to small when i am shopping lets say a mall in Sydney..

Keep writing

Kahini said...

Hey, I went through the zigZACT same thing on Sunday. But to make myself feel better, I tried on an eNORMOUS pair of jeans that I just SWAM in and felt really, really good.

Anonymous said...

fitness shitness eh?

Gangadhar said...

lol..
And I feel a little bit impatience during shopping..What to select and what to not select!!

anumita said...

Who may the foul friend be? Not S I hope. Next time come with me, I'll make sure the sexiest jeans fits you. Unworry.

Sunny Saxena said...

i never enter the trial room. Its scary. They have mirrors all over. :(

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHA LOL!!!!!
FINALLY...somebody admits to being ...errr....ahem....ya know what!

Maaan...your web blog is growing...good on ya mate!

Mahesh

Rabin said...

Sofa covers expand, jeans sizes shrink and they say that its an easy life. Ha!

Unratiosenatic said...

The reason men don't call is that they either a. genuinely forget to call, just like they could forget to pay their bills, or b. they need to retreat. Has nothing to do with you.

Arjun said...

Naturally its the fault of the dressing room.... :)
So this is the root of the much cliched question, 'Does this make me look ..'

If you were in the US, "hips" are considered (in some parts) as a thing of beauty....or booty as they say.

I wonder if it were the English who shaped our perspectives on how gals should be..umm..shaped. Its a culture thing for sure.
Head over to Japan and a whole different set of concerns are thrust upon thou.