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(Pic. reference: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-lawn-graveyard-19783590/)

Childhood as canvas.

Subconscious as a child.

A wound as inception.

A scab as an eternity.

Sunlight for the weeping.

Sunshine for the dead.

Moonlight for the grieving.

Darkness for the unsaid.

Pain as palette.

Heavy heart as a muse.

Tristesse and songs as snacks.

And art as abuse.

Pastel is the denouement.

Lurid is the surprise.

Guitar splotches for the spilled tears.

Piano welts for the reprise.

A moody kaleidoscope spinning

Churning so much and this haze

Hides all the cheers from long ago.

Wipes out the glasses we had raised. 

 

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(Pic. courtesy: Photo by Sebastian Voortman.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/body-of-water-during-golden-hour-189349/)

DWorked through the night to get an early start to the stuff that was shared earlier. I also

went for a class at 6 a.m. It is a 3-day workshop on something.

It is a 2-hour workshop and in the middle of it, I got so sleepy that I slept.

Anyway, I did what I could. I started work and finished late - but one thing off my

my list. Tired to write anything now.

 

Not tired really - just depleted. 

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 Today was also not great but I think I may be getting a sense of how to proceed. Early days but let's see. It was my father's birthday and I had taken leave today to go meet him. Didn't work out. So went to my favourite Subko in the morning, had black coffee and an amazing sourdough toast with almond butter, bananas, honey, and cinnamon. It is expensive but it is really really worth it.

The new cleaning lady did not turn up today. Someone in her house is unwell. So I told her she is out of the job and I will pay her for the days worked. 

I have seen a very strong connection that if you are spending money on medicines, legal cases, etc., it means that somewhere the energy with which you are earning money is not honest. It needn't be smuggling or killing people. It could be shortchanging the extent of work you do, being unfocused, or one of those who want to spend "quality time" with your family by palming off work to others. That is exactly the sort of wages generated that will get spent on nurses, medicines, etc. And the fact that this is more common today than ever just goes to show how badly we have approached work. 

Earn but not give to charity, take leave but not finish tasks, not take care of your health do you go simpering about burnout...why have men become so weak? Instead of so much focus on female hormonal profile, we should study the rate of testosterone drop, I think. No grit. This cleaning lady's 26 year old son who was unemployed for ever went to a job for 2 days and fell so sick that he had to be hospitalized. Tomorrow there will be a large song and dance recitation of how he ate something, how he drank something, etc. But this is laziness. When you get so lazy that it becomes your identity, especially in your youth, it can only destroy you.

Everybody wants to marry rich...the men want to marry rich, the women want to marry rich...and no one wants to work or think.  

Heard about this horrible incident in Etawah. Brahmins accosted men of a lower caste and shaved their hair and sprinkled urine on them. These were men. I wonder if there's a problem with the water and grain of this land now that men are getting this pusillanimus and cowardly. 

And these useless men are married to hapless selfish women who will stick on to the marriage because they are secure. And their children will go to some paper-tiger International School where they will be ashamed of living in the country and slavishly eat Korean food. That's the state of the modern day Hindu - weak, lost, incapable, useless.

It's amazing how much corruption has happened with the Upanishads. But no. Let's not read that. Let's eat Ramen and stay caste-ist. (And people from other faiths - their extent of interest in Hinduism is whatever the BJP says. Everybody wants to be a dunce.)

I think we should have a Uniform Civil Code now. It really is time. 

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 It was a very painful day. I don't think I have felt this much heartbreak in a long time. It is amazing how I got through the day. But now I don't know how I will get through the night. Warmed up the tea and it is sickeningly sweet. I actually put sugar now and not the stupid Stevia. But I want to make coffee now with Sugar-free. My mind is really numb and I am quite surprised that my hands are not trembling. Sometimes the capacity of the body to manage and regulate itself is fabulous. 

I have still a lot of client feedback to incorporate. I should quieten down the mind and heart and carry on. 

But it has to be said. I feel defeated. Maybe I am.

Maybe that means that the war is over.

Maybe that means that I'm still not ready for the battle that continues.

Still - 100 more days remaining. We will 'soldier' on. 

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 It was a sledge ride at work. There was tumultuous news. Then there was peace. Then there was rocky news again. Then some calls, marginal work, and that's that. One day ended.

Woke up a tad late today. I have hired new help and I don't really want her now. But she just started and it's not going too well. As in, I am not feeling too good about it. The other one is also not getting into the groove. Some people at work are making silly errors and you have to answer for them. That's not too shabby though. Mistakes get made, rectified, and moved past. In fact, the learning from a mistake is the mental kintsugi.

Didn't work out today. Not because there was a lot of work but because it was sporadic. 

I don't like losers. I can't quite explain what I mean by that - it is not the person who has actually lost. But people who I suppose put up a facade of pretend to be winners in some alternative game when they're not. Like...people who don't have sufficient means but support charity and keep talking about that to guilt others into thinking that they are living a hollow life. It's not people who actually do charity. It's people who seemingly support charities when their own life is running around. They can't take care of their families or their own children or parents but they want to donate to some organization. Again, this is not what I want to say. It is possible to love a penguin more than a sister. But...I suppose what I am trying to say is that I notice a certain two-facedness in trying to cover up one's own lack of self-worth with altruism.

It is the worst - self-delusion is I think the very worst sort of mental and emotional state. There was a friend's brother who had come over. He explained nearly 5 times how his sister (my friend) was taking care of his parent that he was paying for. The fact that he needed to say it so many times made it so clear that he was feeling guilty. Because no amount of dollars or Euros in the world could make it up for the fact that his sister was there to help his mum to the toilet and change her diapers when he wasn't. It's not easy examining your motives and owning up to the truth, for sure. But living in delusion is equally painful and infinitely more dangerous I think. You start cultivating within you a cunning coward that will keep robbing you of the sun.

I bought another Gita today, I don't know why. I have so many variations. I think buying books, especially wisdom literature, is just cloak and dagger stuff from sitting in one place and feeling one with the knot in the stomach.

Anyway this is it for today. Will change, make coffee, and see if I can do some more work. Requiem for tedium. 

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Zig Zag Road...a house that Dickens would write about.

The bend of the road where you see, don't see, almost see - what comes later... that's what life is. 

Carter Road - the sort of unexpected clearing you spot when stars align.

Joggers Park - rainy, stormy, drenched with nostalgia. Plenty beat up now...but something about this sings.

What makes and will always make Pali Hill special - the unexpected splendour it will hide in plain sight. This place is such a sonnet.

Woke up really early in the morning. The weather was lovely. Went for a walk and it was so luscious and cool that it felt as if Monday had started off on a weekend.  When you walk up Pali Hill and you first see Carter's, it looks like a mirage at certain times of the day - early morning in the rains or around 4:30 pm in the winters or just as the sun is setting during summers. It looks like fallen gold coins that glint through thick foliage. 

I often feel that Carter's is for the love of the sun and Bandstand is for the mood of the moon. And when you walk or travel from one part to the other, you are skirting along the curves of the yin and yang. 

I saw a couple of really sweet birds - a black and white bird with cobalt-blue arrow smudge on its tail, a brown bird with a widish beak that gurgled like a water bird. 

Returned home and began the day. Some tumult at work. Didn't get as much done as I would have liked. Will work longer tomorrow. 

Saw an interesting video by Sid Warrier, a neurologist I had started following because of a project - but now follow him routinely. He has an interesting video on why scrolling actually exhaust us in the long run and how it causes brain rot. (Scrolling aimlessly results in a dopamine loop and demands an emotional investment that we may not even be aware we are making.) He recommended a couple of interesting ways one could tackle this. One of them is to seek out information out of curiosity instead of consuming whatever the algorithm throws your way. The other method is something I had tried out (not knowing it is neurologist-recommended)- that you create something out of the material you have watched or consumed. So if you binged a Netflix series, write an Instagram post about it or create a podcast out of it. He said something interesting - that when you create something, it is a rebellion against this conditioning of a dopamine quick-fix quagmire. (When I had an Instagram account, I used to at least write a short paragraph on the Netflix series that I watched.) Now I write about it on my blog.

Actually, this blog has helped me in so many ways. I have written it solo for nearly two decades. I've written it in defiance of a couple of notions - that I can't do anything long-term, that you only write something when there's something big or interesting to write about, that I can only be motivated to write when I am getting paid for it. (To be honest, I have gotten some non e-learning work because of the blog but that wasn't the intention.)

Anyway, maybe I will make myself some tea and see if I can work a little. 

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(Steps cafe, Mount Mary)

I have so much to write about today. Don't know where to begin.

I had a really bad dream. I dreamt that the roof of my bedroom was leaking and the walls were bloated with sewage. I was trying to protect myself but couldn't. (Many days ago, I'd had a dream where there was a downpour and the roof had crashed or was crashing on me. I was flailing about to protect myself but I couldn't. At the entry of the bedroom door, I saw my mum and dad standing and watching me.) These dreams have felt very vivid. In fact, the first time I saw this dream, I was paralyzed with fear.

I used to be very interested in and also good at dream interpretation. When you dream of walls of your home becoming weak or the roof crashing down, it means that one is generally feeling exposed and vulnerable and defenceless. Water represents emotions, so it is likely that I am feeling defenceless against processing large waves of emotion. It could mean that my usual protocol for protecting myself against feelings is failing.

 Seeing my parents at the doorway loking at me and not intervening could be indicating a situation where I do not feel supported or protected by my parents. Mom is no more. And things are tight and tough with Dad. So yes, the feeling of overwhelm could be true. Work is also giddying at times in terms of volume and expectation of time and energy. 

Anyway, I am quite good at interpreting dreams. I used to do that quite accurately in college and later on when I started working. But stopped. Still, if anyone wants their dream interpreted, I could do that. You can write to me at mukta.raut@gmail,com.

I woke up upset and burning with a desire to do something. I took a rick and went to Iskcon. I have no idea why. It could be because I'd gone to Juhu yesterday - but I just felt the need to be in Juhu again - in Inskcon where I'd see fresh pink lotuses and deep yellow-orange marigolds carefully being strewn like necklaces. It was early - around 6:30 or so. I caught a rick and Juhu beach - empty and laced with powerful rolling waves looking full and mighty - like a mighty tigress pacing in a jungle. There are very few things that can rival the open heart fortitude of an empty beach and a dancing ocean.

Iskcon, as I had anticipated, was an experience. I am still so moved by it that I don't want to write about it yet. But suffice to say that I left with a smile. Returned, warmed up some upma from yesterday for breakfast, ate and slept - a nice, dreamless sleep.

Evening went for a head massage because I woke up with a heavy head. Then later in the evening, went to Mount Mary with a friend. We tried to locate Steps - a charming teeny cafe at the stop of steps opposite St. Stephen's church - not the steps with the mosaic bits at the end of the road. (Pointing out that difference in case you want to visit.) It's built around a thick tree trunk, got a Faraway Tree feel to it. I loved the place - and aim to go there for some journaling. It's the kind of place you can take a diary and a stop-watch and just write your heart out for the time. There's a sated vibe to the place. Anyway, we had a couple of beverages and when we were leaving, the patron(ess) told us to try their hot chocolate next time - it is apparently made with 55% pure chocolate and no sugar. 

Maybe I'll dream about that tonight. 

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 Today was a luscious and full day. It began with a lot of trepidation. Every Saturday I go to meet Papa and I have to face a few struggles, conflict, and pain internally. Some days I think of canceling my plans and asking him to come to Bandra - but I know that he is in pain now and cannot undertake the travel. I don't think I pray as much during the week as much as I pray on Friday night and Saturday morning to help me get through the day. 

Anyway, we went to the temple as usual, but the temple was closed. But they gate the sanctum sanctorium so we can still see Ma Kali through the grills. She is so beautiful and happy. Ever since my childhood, I have associated Ma Kali with joy. I see a little girl instead of a warrior goddess. This Ma Kali though, is particularly cheery. She brings a smile to my face.

Papa and I sat after darshan. I love Kali Ma temples - they are quiet and serene, unlike Mahalakshmi, Krshn, and Ganpati temples. There was a little boy cycling in the compound. Papa watched him a little, and then I took him to the Seawoods mall, where I wanted to buy him Birkenstocks but he said no. His feet are swelling up, and his shoes are tight. And his back is also acting up. Today he went to the loo in the mall and I waited outside. He was taking a long time, and I didn't have my phone with me. I died a thousand deaths waiting out. I went into a store and asked them to use a landline to call Papa. Then he came out, and it was the sweetest sight - him in a faded red shirt. We had coffee and an avocado salsa sandwich at Starbucks. My current project is technical - so I discussed that with him and I saw him get so excited about engineering things.

After home booked a rickshaw and returned to Bandra. Nowadays I loved the rickshaw rides from Vashi to Bandra. It is so exciting and much better than returning in a cab. The rick guy was really sweet and he showed me a couple of shortcuts. One - skirting Vashi gaon I think - around the Shiv temple. Another shortcut was the back lanes of the airport.

Went to the neighboring parlor. It's not the best parlour but sometimes they have happy people there. There's a lady there who does the eyebrows and stuff who has the gentlest touch - like an angle's whisper. I like getting my eyebrows waxed because it is quicker and you avoid that whole production of tugging your eyelids, etc. 

Then went to Juhu beach with a friend. I just love Juhu beach! It has such a carnival vibe throughout the year. It was a high-tide when we reached so no one was allowed on the beach. But gosh! we sat on the sandy steps, had pani puri and enjoyed those strong gusts of sea breeze that unknot the tension in your shoulders and soothe out the migraine. That was lovely!

We went to Third Waves for an iced tea and walnut cake thereafter. 

And got home. 

(Those are the pictures of the flyover when you get into Bandra. I can't explain just how much joy erupts in my heart when I enter Bandra. I feel glad and grateful and blessed and blissful - and just complete. Something somewhere is looking out for me that I get to return here. I really feel as if I am hugging my Ma.)

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It was a good day. A rather large part of a project got done. This is what always makes me feel good - when you look back and decide the project got done by people who showed up...despite lack of talent, lack of personality, despite lack of luck, despite lack of time, despite lack of focus, despite lack of energy. Just show up. There is a might to that kind of attendance.

I think people get possessive about their pain...it is interesting how we can go about methodically painting ourselves into a corner...and then sit hunched enjoying that shade. 

Papa had come over and looks like the next few months is going to be precious and expensive. But...no matter. It will only work out for the best.

Lot to complete over the weekend and it would have been nice to sleep off now. But the mind is an overdrive. 

Managed to go for a workout today. Feels good. 

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 It's a funky kind of mood. I ended the day early, went for a quick workout, and then met up with a friend. We rode to Bandstand. 

The weather was luscious. Sitting by the sea in light that artists paint on canvasses in their loft studios and then gift to strangers who they'll never meet again....The night just quenched a thirst of the soul you didn't know one had. 

Bandstand was lovely as usual. The promenade had sweet little flowers jangling like tinsel in the breeze. The sea rolled. I had a small cup of coffee - sweet and strong. Returned home to some simple chhole-chaawal H had prepared. It was simple and so, so tasty! The kind you get in langar.

Some days in Bandra pass like this - like a chant on a prayer bead. 

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Had a strange conversation with my neighbour. A little annoyed with her but there are other issues I need to resolve. So can't focus on that. 

Well, did not do any workout today. So not happy about that. But if it's any consolation, did not order anything from outside. 

Work weeks really need to have an off in the middle of the week. The incessant pinging, the painful and abrupt departure by some people so that the load falls on other people, the weather, the sheer exhaustion of having too many open tabs, etc. - one needs recovery from that. 

I think this weekend I will give myself a break - not work on any editing or anything. The exhaustion is deep.

I think I will clear stuff in the kitchen, warm up my coffee, and see if I can work some more or just let it be.

The more I think the more I realise that the ability to concentrate and deconcentrate needs to be mastered. 

If I got a boon to do anything today, I would wish for focus.