Day 36 of 108

So much has happened. Life is a little strange and it does promise to get stranger still. I get the feeling that a lot will be changing soon. It is now feeling overwhelming. Suddenly there's a lot to take care of. And the means seem slim. 

Anyway, here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Got the alignment of my spectacles fixed. The people at the shop were so sweet. They fixed it for free, without any charge.

3. Got into some early, initial conversation regarding an upcoming project. 

4. Today, some old problems come clouding my mind. I mean, that is usually the case but today I noticed them as old conditioned thinking. I am practicing this technique where you can detach yourself from your thoughts by slowing down your breath. It does not happen at first. Or even the first week or month. But over time, something slim glimmers...the notion that you are not your thoughts. I am not at that place where I have complete control. But I have seen tiny blitzes of light to know that that kind of equilibrium exists in the forest of chaos. 

5. The corporator came for some door to door campaigning. Several promises were made. And we had samosa, chips, and batata wada. That is always good.

6. I had pani puri today. That is always such a special treat! I love pani puri and the one at Punjab Sweet House is reliably good!

7. I received my copy of Behave - the book we need to read this month. The dedication was so sweet. 

Day 35 of 108

 Today was a test of my patience and I was wondering if I had the inner strength to withstand the pressure. It was a middling performance. I wasted a lot of time pegging my hopes on something and that not working out. Then I sorted myself out and reverted to a rather peaceful baseline.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He did not sound too good on the phone. I had just woken him up I think. Will call tomorrow to find out.

2. Both help turned up today.

3. Went with a friend to Rastaa cafe, Khar. It was a pretty rooftop space. They did botch up my order. I have to say that I was composed enough and did not lose my cool. That is progress.

4. Completed a short booklet for work today. 

5. Had a really nice time with my friend. Good conversation is a special thing. It actually is a long-standing nourishing technique. But to actually benefit from it, you have to starve oneself of bland, mediocre company for an extended period. 

6. The milk bread from Noice is not too bad. 

7. Am healthy, have a home, water, electricity, and a larder that is beyond full. I read about this 9 year old boy in France who was abandoned by his mother. He stayed alone in a house with no heating, ate some soup or cold food, pilfered tomatoes from the neighbors and survived. After a long time, one of his neighbours reported the situation to the authorities. While he lived and provided for himself, he continued to do well in school. It is a painful story. Makes me really grateful for the deep love my mom had for me. Every night nowadays I think of her before I sleep and just that wash of love I feel...it is tremendous. I am truly grateful for that.

8. Talked to a friend on phone after a long time. It felt so good!

Day 34 of 108

 Whoa, will you look at that?! A little over a month of unbroken blogging. Not too shabby!

Here are a few things that I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well. He came over today to Bandra. It was so great! He had some paratha and soya curry and a jam sandwich snack. We both had sliced apples. It was a nice time.

2. I forwarded a message of a friend who is house hunting. In response another friend messaged me something that caused me to feel... something painful. Every day I try to hold the intention that something in me is stronger than the weak yet tough feelings or memories that may arise in me. I am not winning that war yet but I am getting better at spotting the face of the enemy. Well...some day soon the tide will turn. But in any case, I am still grateful for this because it is an opportunity to strengthen one's resolve.

3. Went to watch Bombay Meri Jaan, a play at Prithvi. I am so deeply grateful to be living this close to Prithvi theatre and having enough resources to buy a ticket, take a rick and watch the play. I cannot explain just how deeply fulfilling the experience of watching a play is! The bookstore at Prithvi...Paperback...is as cozy and filled with juicy little titles as before. 

4. Papa had got me mango chutney that his cook had made. That was nice.

5. I have a house, am safe, and have food, running water, electricity, and lots of books. This opens up so much space for other things...mainly the opportunity to do work on yourself, by yourself. 

Some pictures from today:

Day 33 of 108

It was a tenuous day. There were some internal battles...strong, unexpected ones. I was on my guard against a few of them but old battles are strong ones. So...I just have to get stronger. That was the wise realization on day 2 of 2026. But still, the day sparkled with some nice things. We will list them out here.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke with him today. 

2. I completed some work today. Only the first draft but a substantial bit got done.

3. It was such a gorgeous moon today.

4. Did a fair bit of meditation. It was really hard. But that's what makes it good.

5. It was a friend's birthday. He came over after his birthday celebrations. We had a nice time talking.

6. Went for a walk up Pali Hill upto Mount Mary. That was so lovely! I had not expected the streets to be so lit up still. It was a happy surprise. In fact, it makes you wonder if Christmas and New Year are on their way around or if we are done with them. 

7. Saw some really cute baby videos.

8. Got a recommendation on LinkedIn from an ex-boss. Always a promising thing.

9. Liked the way the rice was made today. 

Day 32 of 108

When the first of January falls in the middle of the week, you can really see the artifice of the concept of a 'New Year'. It becomes quite clear that one is part of a continuum. 2026 is part of the continuum. As are we who make New Year resolutions etc. It's all harmless until we realize that all our blind spots that we have are what we carry with us. 

Still, be that as it may...things are moving and a New Year at least marks movement, if nothing else. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He did look a little weak though. Went to Vashi to meet him. It was after lunch and he was just about to take a nap. (I really need to redo my timing this year so that I am up and about in the mornings.) The weather in Vashi was so lovely!

2. It was raining in the morning. So magical!

3. Had safe rides to and from Vashi.

4. Quite enjoyed the masala peas pulao that the cook had made.

5. I love going to the Pali Hill branch of the HDFC bank. I usually just use the ATM but even so. I used to go to that building when it was only an ATM but now it has grown into a bank. This is quite interesting. Anyway, I like walking up Zig Zag road. For a brief while it does feel as if one is going through some adventure even though it is to do something mundane like remove cash. Although when I would walk to my other bank near Golds Gym, I usually stop for some tasty pani puri at Punjab Sweet House. That is also quite lovely. 

Considering how much outsiders take over Bandra on the regular (restaurants, cafes, etc.), it feels good to have some hyper specific preferences. Feels like a true and cozy sense of belonging. That is precious. 

I want to record these things about living in Bandra because otherwise the narrative is of some weird hedonistic decadence. I want to record these simple ways in which a little life was lived...a life where days were maybe spent getting pleasure from choosing one ATM over another...where in a complex times with turbulent inner worlds, one chose dappled sunshine on a cobbled path or a stop with crisp and sweet pani puris. 

Forgot to list one other major thing that I need to be grateful for:

6. My debit card got stuck in the ATM machine but the security guy punched a few buttons and got it out. Whew!

Day 31 of 108

 Rough day and tough day. Rough year and tough year. Survived both. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Something weird got over me today and I took myself out for some snacks and a drink to the place opposite my house. Mezcalita. Mexican food. Red decor. Volare played in the background. (I love that song.) I ordered a cool ginger beer and a plate of Habanero poppers. Both had a certain kick. A group of young girls sat to my left. They were dressed in party clothes and had ordered a pitcher of sangria or some other cocktail. Their skins glowed, their hair glistened, and their friendship seemed to deepen with every sip. Young friendship - even more invincible than young love. 

3. I have a sweet, lovely, and loving home. My little flat feels so cushiony and wise. It has actually held me, witnessed my break and meltdowns as I went through so much. I love this little home. It does have a heart of its own. And sometimes I feel I hear it in its heartbeat.

4. Got a diary from Granth. (The Crossword in the mall near Santa Cruz police station was getting redone.)

5. Cook had made really really tasty masala dosa today. 

6. I really really enjoyed a lemon tart from Nostalgia. 

Day 30 of 108

 

Today I opened the parcel and took out my copy of The Holy Bible. It was a text that I had loved and cherished as a young girl in school. I thought that it was time to maybe revisit it. Within 15 minutes of me opening it, a strange yet seemingly pre-ordained conversation transpired. If ever the presence of God was evident, it was then. Things falling apart is the best way for them to fall into place. I saw that today.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well. 

2. Today, cook had made really tasty plain white rice. I mean, I like white rice ordinarily. But the rice was really soft, fluffy, steamed, and tasty enough to have on its own. Really went well with the soya chaap masala curry from last night.

3. Came across this verse by Virgil: "The gates of Hell are open night and day; smooth the descent, and easy is the way: but, to return, and view the cheerful skies; in this, the task and mighty labor lies."

4. Wore my green dress today with the new silk purple scarf that a friend had gifted me for Christmas.

5. Finished some work today. There is so much more remaining but I will focus on the little that I did get done. As Tolkien said, "Little by little one goes far."

6. Went to the Red Chillies Starbucks today. I love that spot so much! Had a large dragon fruit and strawberry Refresher or something.

7. There was such a cute little baby girl at Starbucks - maybe 8 months or so. Big, bright eyes. A red printed romper. Tousled hair. Kept staring at me.

8. Wrote my diary. I was really impressed with Ranveer Singh in Dhurandhar. He writes a diary in invisible ink. I don't have invisible ink. But I did think that I will systematically keep a diary that will track everything that pops up in my head off and on.

9. Someone I had spoken with earlier connected with me about some fresh work. Good to know that they thought of me.

10. Oh, this was really sweet. The place I worked with earlier had given me a contract extension letter earlier. Me being me, I did not keep anything. But now I am applying to a place for work and they insisted that I get that letter. I wrote to these guys and they promptly gave it to me. Really nice of them! 

11. Am safe and healthy.

12. Have water, electricity, food, and a lovely place to stay. The Christmas lights are on and Life continues to be magical. 

Day 29 of 108

 It was equal parts heartburn and equal parts peace today. I won't say, equal parts peace. But equal parts peace plus attempts at generating peace. So that was good. Here are all the things that I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well. Did not talk to him today but no frantic calls. So that seems to be good.

2. Watched Dhurandhar at one of my favorite theatres today. I love PVR Lido opposite SNDT college. It is so cozy and small! I love it. The movie is quite good. Ranveer Singh is really good. He is quiet and, if the hair and musculature were not so prominent, you would have assumed he is non-descript. The other remarkable actor is Akshaye Khanna who is skinny but seems broader because of the lethal bravado he portrays. I will always remain a Sanjay Dutt fangirl. But I found the film too long and too violent. I think I will have disturbed sleep on account of some of those torture scenes. 

3. One of the things that I love about PVR Lido is just how close it is to my place. In peak time I reached there in 20 minutes and I walked back. It took me 35 minutes and I took a quick route through the bazaar road, past the dance bars etc. But it was a beautiful night and cool and crisp. The Gurudwara lane is gorgeously lit up and it felt like walking through a celebration set up only for you. 

4. The staff at PVR Lido is so sweet and polite. I also enjoyed the coffee.

5. Some work got approved. I had used Canva to create a comic book strip. Oh man! That was just so exhausting! But finally got that done and had it shipped out today. Thankfully it was received well. 

6. Today I ordered some soya chaap from Mini Punjab. It was gravied and not dry like I had wanted. (I generally order the Brraa chaap from Sadak Chaap - which is excellent.) But this was yummy!

7. I like the phrase 'Nazar aur sabr' from Dhurandhar. It's a good resolution to have. I can definitely work on developing the latter.   

Day 28 of 108

 A mixed bag of a day. Anger, annoyance, some anxiety. But a few sweet things happened.

Here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Went to visit him today.

2. Met a friend today. Went to Vashi together and then we had a really nice time at Bread Kraft, Deonar. They have a lemon meringue doughnut pie that was really really good. I also tried a jalapeno-olive cream cheese croissant that was tasty. But the highlight definitely was the lemon meringue doughnut.

3. Got a rick from Deonar to Bandra. The guy was not accepting Gpay. Thankfully I had cash. Outside of Bandra, traveling in Mumbai is a weird situation.

4. Am safe.

5. Both help turned up and cleaned my flat. A neat bed and a clean sink are so precious!

6. I am feeling very uncomfortable regarding a few things. So I want to take this opportunity to address a comment that I got. It basically said "I want to die" dozens of times. Now, I am listing this as a point that I am grateful for not because it is a hapy thing. But I assume you wanted to reach out to someone. Please do breathe deeply and wait for the emotion to pass. It may feel as if it is terribly overwhelming or that feeling is very strong. But you must absolutely realise that something inside you is stronger than the despair. Please breathe and that strong side of you will emerge. 

I do not know if you are from India or not. These are the Helplines I got from ChatGPT.

🇮🇳 India – Suicide & Mental Health Helplines

🆘 KIRAN (Government of India)

📞 1800-599-0019

🕒 24×7

• National mental health rehabilitation helpline

• Multilingual support

• Confidential and free

🆘 AASRA

📞 91-9820466726

🕒 24×7

• One of India’s oldest suicide prevention helplines

• Trained volunteers

• Non-judgmental listening

🆘 Sneha Foundation

📞 044-24640050

🕒 24×7

• Based in Chennai but open to all

• Emotional support during distress and crisis

🆘 Vandrevala Foundation

📞 9999 666 555 (Call & WhatsApp)

📧 help@vandrevalafoundation.com

🕒 24×7

• Crisis support + counselling

• Particularly responsive via WhatsApp

🆘 iCall (TISS)

📞 9152987821

🕒 Mon–Sat, 8am–10pm

• Email & phone counselling

• Good for ongoing emotional stress, grief, burnout

🆘 Fortis Stress Helpline

📞 +918376804102

🕒 24×7

• Clinical support backed by Fortis hospitals