Chiffonesque

 I did not make an entry last night. It was a very frustrating day - still one must prod on. Although now I am not sure why. But...habit. 1. Papa is well. 2. Cook had made really tasty besan cheela. 3. Had made a cup of coffee last evening. It was really nice. 4. There was electricity and water. 5. Am safe. 

 It was a working weekend but today I worked on something juicy - put together a deck to pitch for website writing copy. Let's see if I get it. But I also went to a friend's house who had lost her sister. That was a good meeting. I really wonder how our close friends will be going through so much trouble and we will be unaware of it. In fact, even in a group of friends, there will be different dynamics between different people. And I am sensing this about people around me today - a deep fatigue. So deep that people don't even want to be happy because happiness also takes energy.  This year - 20 days on - there have been deaths and devastation already. That ceasefire isn't feeling good at all. I don't know if it will even last the year. Anyway, despite it all, there are still a few things I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. I did not speak to him today but no urgent or crisis calls. So this is good. 2. My cook had made a really tasty mousse with protein powder, a ble...

 Today I saw something strange - how much we defend our fragility. A year ago, I was working with someone who said that the business world would realize the importance of emotional resilience in time. When senior people are not able to cope and fall ill and quit, when junior people are fatigued and check out, when everyone on tough projects and hard assignments feel like nomads and the bottom line is scuffed and eroded, then we will invest in teaching people how to tend to themselves.  I see the sense in that now. But I feel that after a certain age, one ought to understand your limitations and not dig your heels into demanding compensation you don't deserve anymore. Maybe at one time, you could. Now you don't. Self-assessment is a superpower. But there is another side. Maybe one does feel that they bring something to the table. To show up for work irrespective of how the world has crumbled around you that day merits something. Being a human is exhausting. I was out for dinner...

 My head is heavy and am not feeling well. But I am really upset about this....that I can't finish anything on time. I wish I could do something more, something faster.  Anyway,  here are all the things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. He sounded very happy returning from the ashram.  2. There's food and stuff in the house. 3. Some interesting conversations have been had at work. 4. I managed to do my Qigong stretches. I am quite enjoying that at night  5. Am safe.

 The news about Saif being attacked in his home is shocking. In and around my building I have also noticed strange men just loitering around. I am not entirely convinced about the security but I now feel that if something this drastic has to happen, can you stop it? As I type this, I am sitting in my skimpy night clothes typing in my living room. I sense a shadow in the bedroom. There could be a man there who will now leap out, lunge at me, and slit my throat. Will I still think that this was inevitable? I pray for this actually - that even if harsh things befall me, I relax and release the hurt. I am back from Orissa and I have encountered very strange tales. I remember some stories that Ma used to tell me. She told me of a distant aunt who was very old and lived in Puri. She had a trusted rickshaw puller that she employed when she wanted to get around the town. She had known him for 40-odd years. One evening, he killed her and stole her gold.  This is not about people. I thi...

 I have deleted this line several times. I wanted to write something but I decided to not do it. I'm convinced that recruiting people with experience is possibly the worst strategy for projects requiring stamina. People with experience come with a strange, stubborn fragility that is hard to break or erode. Now that I have a lot of experience, it is critical for me to not use it. In fact, the thing to use is the strange, now buried 'beginner's mindset' - because that part is young, that part doesn't get an ulcer, doesn't rationalize anxiety, doesn't get possessive about their own notions of the right way to do something. Feeling a little disappointed with whatever I am seeing around me. But they are life lessons nevertheless. Here are all the things that I am grateful for: 1. Papa is well. I did have a long chat with him about a family matter and he was quite zen about it. He always is but his capacity to accept reality is really unparalleled. 2. Was tired bu...