323, 324

 It is not feel to be a good or safe time anymore. But one is going through it so I suppose there is some form in which one will need to get succour from one's thoughts and stories. I had started this post yesterday but I have been getting so distracted that I am not able to finish it. It is 4:52 in the morning. I have a cut of hot chocolate on the table and it is still dark outside. I have not yet lit a lamp at the altar (what do you call it in Hindi?). But I want to finish this post before I do that. Actually, it is distracting me so I will in fact go and do that. I did that. I don't really light a lamp. It's a tiny tealight but I like watching it's flame as I work. Sometimes the flame is steady. Rarely it flickers. But it's a quiet reassurance of light, strength, and power. I like fire. 

Anyway, here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. I started my leave and thus far it has been peaceful. I had to review a couple of things and I got done with that. (I am so distracted! There must be something to this - why the mind just does not want to focus on this post.)

3. A friend had come over the other evening and we had a late-night dinner. I had ordered some sushi from a place called Tokyo sushi and a chicken miso soup for him. He liked the soup. I did not quite enjoy the sushi as much. It was cheap sushi and you could tell. But really, sometimes, I am so very glad that I am in Bandra and you can get a quick order of sushi even close to midnight. Or even post-midnight.

4. My cook made some nice cauli rice.

5. I had watermelon today. It was lovely! So juicy and yummy! I sprinkled some peri peri makhana on a bowl of cubed watermelon. It was a really good spicy and salty mixture on the slices. 

6. Some good projects may come my way in the next few days.

Here's one thing that I learned:

My friend told me about skeumorphic design. This is when a new design retains visual elements, textures, or functionalities of an older or familiar version, even when they are no longer necessary. For example, the trash bin icon on your phone, or the floppy disk icon on your document, etc. 

320, 321, 322

 A lot has happened and yet I return to this blog. So maybe the constancy is more than the change. I came across a horrible video on Instagram. One Indian woman (and nationality is important here to bring out the absolute mindnumbing hypocrisy of the shit-shame that we are filled with) is exposing her breast seductively and breastfeeding a seven-year-old boy. Now before someone gets oafish and says that it is the mother's prerogative to breastfeed or not...we don't know if it is the mother. I am quite sure that the child did not give permission to get recorded on video, and it was blatantly sexual. I reported this to Instagram - this and another video where a brother and sister are fondling each other in the living room with a caption that says, "When parents are away..." I got a message from Instagram telling me that they have reviewed these videos and they found 'nothing offensive about them'. And this is in light of the baying for blood happening for India's Got Latent.

A long time ago, I had read that Socrates and/ or Aristotle would hold discussions in the Town Square about any and every topic. Nothing was taboo. They would discuss the ethics of murder, the necessity of patricide, etc. - things like this. One day, they were discussing incest and some people were rationalizing it. After all, if consent exists, why should biological bonds stop them. When the Emperor found out about this, he shut them down and imprisoned a bunch of them. The last frontier was the legitimizing of incest. And that is already happening when we are villainizing same-sex relationships and all that. 

I think the putrification of society has happened already. If you live in these times, I wonder how it is possible to stay unsullied with all this. This kind of corruption is bound to creep into the mind. 

Things have been getting out of hand with some people. Drivers, cooks, etc. - taking advantage of Papa because he cannot keep track of things. When I hold them accountable, then they threaten to leave but my father doesn't want them to because he has gotten used to them. So I have to put up with this sort of shit and crap. I need to take care of this house here so I can't move in there - where the neighbors are so noisy that I cannot work from home. 

This is when people suffer from anxiety, depression, and horrible situations at home. If money has not been earned honestly (not just through thieving and murder or dacoity - but even not putting your best intention forward), then there will be medical and legal expenses. An ayurveda practitioner in Kerala had told me that. Of course, the denouncers will not agree. But it is a fascinating premise to observe, record, and reflect on. 

Anyway, here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I am extremely angry with him but he is well. As long as there is life and health, much is possible.

2. I had been to Elephanta with a friend. It was such a glorious trip! The various Shiva statues are quite stunning. They have cleaned up the place, the ferry ride was wonderful and the mini train ride was fun, fun, fun! I tried out raw, cut starfruit for the first time! It was delicious - with mirchi and chaat masala, etc.

3. Got home safe.

4. I had deep, nourishing sleep after a long time. It was nice. Maybe the walk in the afternoon sun was tiring. So I did that and I was so tired and dusty - but my head hit the pillow and I slept.

5. I got through the day safe - as in I was not physically harmed. In today's times, from what I see, that much is enough.

318, 319

 I have taken leave for 7 days and I think that will be good for me. Want to spend more time with Papa. So that is good. But all that is in the future. I am trying to train myself to think about the present and only the present. It is oddly freeing and also challenging. I never thought of thinking of multiple things at the same time as multi-tasking. But that is correct - you worry about the future or reminisce about the past - that is multi-tasking and we all know now that multi-tasking is not possible.

I made myself some black coffee. It is close to 8 am and the sun is shining into my living room. I love the patterns that the morning light makes. Happy, cheerful shapes - it's like watching a creche where life left behind darkness and light and now they are fingerpainting with shadows.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I spoke with him day before but not now. 

2. A big deliverable that I had been working on for a long time finally went to the client. That was a big thing. This bit always amazes me about life - how some things are just inordinate struggles. Simple small things that take you longer, use up more brain power, etc. I didn't realize how tired my brain was. But that happened and we are done for a bit. I think the way to endure - the only way to endure for a long time is to remain in the present. It sounds cliche and I am hardly the first person to think or do it but that's a fact. I have been clicking here and there - looking at a million videos, going through different sites, and the weird thing is that has taken me a long time to even finish this point. 

3. I am grateful for coffee - not just the wonderful cheery cup I made myself. But coffee in general - as a source of life and joy. How did the world arrange itself and time waltz around to bring this bean into existence? How did that happen?

4. I have a home. My belly is full and I am comfortable. I think to have enough spaciousness around you to notice the niggles in your body - that too is a precious experience.

5. Tried the hummus from the 'Khao Project'. That was really tasty.

What did I learn:

1. The Brahmari is really good to center your brain. It is awesome how quickly I used to get focused! It was a good swift short-cut to bring one into the zone. I really benefited from that when working on this project.

317

 I heard this beautiful line today: "Aapko nadi paar karni thi par app naav mein hi reh gaye."

Today I tried this experiment to just sit and observe the space around me - this space is sometimes the tightness in my shoulders, it is the throb in my head, it is the beautiful paint of light around my coffee cup and my bottle of chilled water. I did it for a very short time and someday I would like to do it for longer.

Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I did not speak to him today. But no frantic calls so grateful for that. I suppose he is fine.

2. I got annoyed with someone but stopped myself from lashing out at him.

3. Managed to get a workout in. Today it was a good workout.

4. Have a safe, pretty little home.

5. Have work. 

Let me think about one thing that I learned today.

1. At work, I discussed the process of curriculum design with my lead. She walked me through her process. That was good. As with everything, this too begins with some research on other curricula, creating frameworks and information schema, understanding the correlation between content and learning objectives, and an understanding of some rudiments of learning experience design such as multimodal delivery, learner-centered approach, etc. 

316

 I have lit a tealight at the altar and a candle that is by the window. Last couple of days, there have been outpourings of angst. I don't deny or regret it. That too is energy and beautiful energy that must be expressed. But some soothing is required so today's post will be about some sweetness.

1. Papa is well. I spoke to him and he sounded good. 

2. I wore a soft brown cotton saree today. There is something about the drape of cotton that feels so nourishing. And especially the color brown - it is a sweet, solid color. 

3. I resisted the temptation to buy sarees or books. I think this resistance is important. The muscle to delay gratification must always be strong.

4. I had a tasty meal - there was a sandwich with a hummus spread and a besan cheela.

5. There is water, electricity, hot chocolate (that I am relishing now as I type this), and safety. 

What I learned today:

1. Actually it is not something external. But I was not feeling well today (a fitting situation for someone who cribbed on other weaklings falling sick). So I decided to skip the workout. Did a smidgeon though. But I was very angry and anxious this morning. So I sat and observed my feelings. There was a slow burn in the pit of my stomach. It felt chilli hot and also temperature hot. Behind the navel. It was uncomfortable. I felt as if something was getting burned or ruptured. I then did some movements - just to release the knot. But that didn't help. From a few books that I have been reading and a few people that I have been listening to, I felt I should sit with the burn. So I did. Slowly I felt it rise up to my heart. And by this time I know that any pain in or around the heart is a non-acceptance of what is. There is some expectation of a reality that is currently not presenting itself in a way that I find acceptable. So I want it to go and I want it to change. But the way for my body to feel peace is to accept it and not denounce it. That will not work because the burn really is overpowering. Then felt better and got to work. The throb is still there but...practice still needs to be done. 

315

 Well, I just finished with a little bit of work and I thought I will be a little more deliberate in my musings today. The viewership of my blog has gone up considerably. I wonder why and if it is actually human beings or bots. I have more faith that the bots will understand me. Data indicates that more project, delivery, and account managers are reading my blog. Strange because it is not as if they read my emails. It is a very funny group - project managers. They will do their best to avoid understanding the work involved. Not task, not time - the work. I wonder where that aversion comes from. It is sickening. This is what sickens me - why people continue to have the jobs they have. They obviously have no curiosity regarding it (passion and all is dead anyway but even a passing wonderment? No. Not even that.) I think a lot of the sloppy work happens because project managers in Indian elearning companies are selfish dunces. The ones who are not, move on to product development - it's a natural progression. What is left behind is a pool of human beings with some random management degree with a severely crippled risk-averse nature and a commitment to cluelessness. 

Writing this blog has usually been an interesting study of human behaviour. People will consume content - voyeuristically and then pretend as if they don't read my blog when they meet me in person. I wonder if they feel that it may lead to overfamiliarity or they don't want 'to give too much importance' or what. Life will just be easier with bots. 

Here are a few things that I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well and happy. He sounded fresh and well-rested.

2. I had my cook make me a pudding with roasted makhana, figs, and curd. It was quite tasty.

3. Managed to get in a workout today. Was not very long but still it was something. 

4. Have water and am safe.

5. As I write this, at the altar I see a diya with a steady flame. It is so beautiful - fire really is beautiful.

I thought I will maybe add a segment here on the few things that I learned/ interesting things that I came across today:

1. There is a type of meditation where you close your eyes and imagine that your eyes/ pupils are made of stone. Keep still - let the closed eyes also not flicker. Apparently, you feel rested and integrated. Eyes are the places from where your energy leaks out the most. So if your eyes flicker a lot, dart about a lot, you lose focus and concentration very easily. The best way to avoid this is to keep your focused on one point. Your system is soothed and your focus is maintained. 

313 and 314

 It has been a hectic two days. The body has the slow, steep of fever that comes with fatigue. I am wearing my lavender Uniqlo shirt and distressed denims that I am loving quite a bit. So, I want to share a little bit about a few things that I am considering. One is slightly hard - maybe not as hard as the horrible things that I have written about the last few days. But some things that have caused me some pain. Why are women approaching 50 or over 50 so unprofessional? That is a blatant generalization. As I wrote it, I got an image in my head of two men who have behaved irresponsibly, but maybe, at this stage in my life, there is not much a man can do that will surprise me terribly. But women...I wonder if I have been blindsided by being or belonging to this gender and soon to be in that age group. Why think yourself so entitled that you deserve a lot of money just because you turned a certain age? A slightly demanding project (or more than slightly demanding project) comes up, and you have a nervous breakdown, an anxiety attack, heartburn, acidity reflux, or episodes of depression? I mean, you aren't 22. You have crossed 50. You have lived with yourself for SO long. Whether you know anything else or not, you need to know yourself. 

I think I am upset because it may not be all women of that age - it's the women I know. Actually no. My cook and cleaning lady are not like that. It's the other writers and instructional designers. Why is this group so weak? And militant about protecting their weakness and anxiety and staying weak? You recommend someone for a job,b and they have a precious meltdown midway and leave the job in shitty shambles. Either they have a husband, and or they have had jobs - so they don't know what it takes other freelancing women to find and build a network - to find clients who will pay, who will not ping you at midnight and say stuff like "Nice smile!" or "We know what kind of women can afford to live by themselves in Bandra West." They won't know that because they will go back to their sniveling, selfish coterie of other friends who will cocoon their mediocrity and justify the rot that has set in. 

It is very infuriating,g and it is because I have now realized that my very own judgment of people has been abysmal - especially of women I recommended. To be fair, a couple of men have also not performed, ed but maybe I didn't really expect too much from them.  But what happens when you are so clueless about your own capability, your own self, your own truth? You readily go around calling other people toxic when what you have become is a has-been. And an irresponsible one at that. When you want the money, you crib crib crib for it. But then, at that age and at that level, one is expected to know how to cope. And have the professionalism to not check out when you decide to quit and do such a bad, embarrassing job of leaving things. At least have the spine to own up to the mess you create. 

Anyway, people will be the way they will be. I will need to be far more careful. I think I need to be more tempered in how I see people. Just because someone is older than me or was my senior a lifetime ago doesn't mean they are good at their jobs anymore. It was a hard and an expensive lesson to learn. 

To that end, I think one's own physical health is so fragile, precious, and almost ephemeral. When you lose it, you lose it. 

Anyway, I am trying to explore things to find out what can make things different for me. Maybe I will go down that path myself. But no. I will do my best to not do that. THAT will not be my story. Knowledge and truth of self - first, last, and always. I want to be very good. If I can't be very good, I will be very bad. But I won't be corrupt. 

Okay, I am a little upset now. I think I will stop now and see what I can do. Maybe I will come back later. 

No, that's okay. I will plod on. 

Okay am back after laying down for a bit. I just realized that if something is bothering me that much, it is scraping against a blind spot. So, will investigate that at some point.

1. Papa is well - actually, not fully well. He hadn't had sleep yesterday and was feeling tired. He looked smaller and more hunched than last time but as I stayed and talked to him, he seemed to get better and brighter.

2. I had poha at home today. Papa's chef had made it really well with some small carrots and capsicum.

3. Had safe cab rides.

4. Finished a massive part of the work today. M-A-S-S-I-V-E. I feel cognitively very refreshed. It was a stretch and it was glorious! But it is the first stage but the first draft of anything is a juicy exciting step.

5. Have a home to stay in and there's water, wi-fi, electricity, and potable water.

6. One of the glasses from my spectacles had come off. I was a little nervous about my vision and my eye. Thankfully I got that pieced back on to finish my work. But I will have to get that sorted on Monday but for now, we're okay.

7. Got some lovely flowers yesterday for Valentine's. Always a nice thing to get.

8. I think this year there will be a churn. A huge, huge churn. May the fake and false burn. Actually, not 'may'. It 'will'. One can only try to not be one of them.