517 and 518 of 534

 Not good days. Feeling sad and heart feels heavy. Ironically now I am finding it slightly easier to identify all the smaller moments in the day that led up to this penultimate or ultimate point of blue. I think working out is definitely helping...not just in feeling happier (because that is not the case today) but in assisting the investigation of strange weird sadness.

Still, one can and will find things to be grateful for. Here's my list:

1. Papa is well.

2. I cooked today and it was good. The cleaning lady had taken leave. I think next month on, I will cook something every week.

3. Wasn't feeling like it but went to the gym and did a full workout.

4. An uncle in my building completed 96 years. We celebrated his birthday today and it was lovely. We got cake, chips, dhokla, aaloo wada, and bun. Yummy. Their family also gave a goody bag with chivda, stationery, etc. in it. The bag is really pretty. It's a gorgeous yellow satin bag with Krishna's fingers playing the flute.

5. I have a sweet, cozy home. 

516 of 534

Wasn't feeling too well today so took leave. This is sickening. 

Started feeling a little better in the evening.Had slurpy khichdi with lots of garlic, some paneer, etc. Then had masala potato wafers with some thick sweet lassi. Oh, it was divine! Lays really is the best potato chip manufacturer. I like Plain Salted best, followed by the Caribbean slightly sweet one. But I had bought this masala one in a bind and it was gorgeous!

Had a good workout at the gym. Maintained a steady incline of 16 at the treadmill and a resistance of 18 on the cycle. Legs feel good and strong. I love my legs. I love legs in general. I love that you can just use them and go anywhere. I love walking. I. LOVE WALKING!

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Haven't spoken to him but no strange messages or panicked calls. So, there's peace.

2. Really enjoyed my food today. Such joy!

3. I had this thought today that we may not be living different days. We are just living days that may be echoes of some sharp day that may have screamed across an abyss of eternity and got heard or registered by our life. And this is what each day is...an echo of whatever happened ages ago. Feels eerie, strange, beautiful.

4. Cleaning lady's baby granddaughter is so tiny and cute. Her stories are really sweet. 

5. Have a home, water in the taps, electricity, and everything else is fine. 

515 of 534

 A little boy had come to the gym today with his father. Apparently he was crying at home and his father was unable to get away. So he got him. I played with him with the...large ball... don't know what it's called. I sensed he got thirsty so I took him to the cooler and gave him water. He drank peacefully. As he drank the water, I wondered if I should tell him to not take stuff from strangers. But I figured this unsolicited advice would be crossing a line. And maybe the world is filled with kind strangers who will give a child a glass of water. He was so tiny, with his cut-off shorts and yellow sweatshirt. It was fun! Kids are so cute! 

Here are all the things that I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well.

2. Worked out. Towards the end of the session, it got tired but pushed through. 

3. My cleaning lady shared pictures of her grandchild with a floral bonnet. 

4. I had an interesting rick guy who predicted futures for a living. Said I was destined to be rich and wise.

5. Had tasty food.

514 of 534

 Things are really weird today. Went to the big gym today and I think I pushed myself a fair bit, so it is okay. 

i want to write about something but I am not sure how to write it. Will not belabor the point. I am suddenly very deeply interested in Ganpati today. A burning interest, not the sweet happy interest I have had forgotten this deity for so long. I find this symbolism of Ganpati beautiful - that it's wisdom that removes obstacles. Not strength. And then it is wisdom that is deeply strong.

Suddenly heart feels full. Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. I have my home. A friend told me to sell this place and I told him not now. But my inside screamed Never. I wonder if it is connected - this interest in Ganpati and this occurrence to leave my house.

3. Heart feels heavy. Grateful because at least it beats and it feels.

4. Had good tofu sautee today.

5. Had wi-fi and electricity. 

513 of 534

 Rough and tough day. Had a rather heated discussion with a friend about something. Am contemplating whether I should write about it or not. Maybe later. For now, suffice to say that it got me thinking about the construction of identity and how much we hold on to it. And what about religiosity and political identity make them so susceptible to clinginess. Is it because life is so tough that we are looking for ways to be let off the hook? And strands of established identities allow us that more conveniently than others?

Started the day with a massage that was not good. I think Urban Company is losing its touch. 

Raining now. Anyway, here are all the things I am grateful for. And now more than ever I feel it is imperative to stick to this practice, even on days that the going is endlessly rough.

1. Papa is well. Did not speak to him but no frantic urgent calls. So that's cool.

2. Resisted urge to order from out today even though I really felt like a treat.

3. Had heated chats with a couple of friends but it seems we are on a plane of peace today. (At least as of now.)

4. Spoke to another friend and I have a Diwali invitation. Yay! YAY!

5. House looked really clean and beautiful with the cloudy light coming in. Gosh, I love this space so, so much!

6. Walked up Pali Hill to withdraw money and it was such a gorgeous little walk. My heart Just swells with joy when I walk up this path.

7. Really enjoyed the khari twists and the bakery biscuits from Muhammad Ali Road that a friend had bought me. I love those! 

511 and 512 of 534

 1. Watched Roses at the Lido PVR, Juhu. Oh I LOVE that theater! I had gone there for the first time. It was drenched in yellow lights on the outside and it is smallish. I think only 3 or 4 screens, not sure. Each screen has a few seats, they are all massively spread out, and it is just so cozy and lovely! And it's perfect for me. Not as far as Fun and Infinity that I used to visit often, not as local as Globus. Also the Juhu Lido PVR at least promises to screen movies that don't involve people in latex and capes. It really does feel like Goldilocks variant of a theater. 

2. I liked the movie but mainly because of the cast. Honestly I thought the Michael Douglas was better paced and I had been more invested in the story, etc. But then I was young and unmarried. Now I am older and divorced. So am sure there is something to be said of your life affecting your choices. 

3. I was really unwell...have been unwell for a while now. But Friday was particularly bad. I slept off the whole day. Work has been slow so I didn't expect anything to come my way. Turns out those are the days when things do come your way with a tight deadline. I was supposed to complete it by the end of the day but I asked for the first half of Saturday to finish it. I did that. It was good. I like writing video scripts. 

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I did not meet him because he had gone out. This was a surprise for me - that regular programming has been resumed. I felt a little disappointed but I now see it as a chance to break a pattern for emotional reactions. So, not sure if I did a good job of that. But I tried to do the job. And that is something.

2. I was listening to some music in the auto on the way to Vashi. It was awesome but then there was some problem with the network and my phone stopped working. I thought I would just observe my thoughts. It was a painful cacophony in there! That was crazy. I thought I had much of my thinking under control especially during times when I was peaceful. Turns out,no. It was like watching a jungle of micro-organisms under a microscope. It was fascinating. 

3. When we were going over a bridge, I saw a plane descending to land. It looked so elegant and peaceful. On the other side, there was a dusty lorry with a loud bearded man in henna-colored hair. Sometimes I feel it is quite clear and obvious that we are not living in one reality. It is just not possible. And I don't even mean metaphorically or philosophically. I mean actually. We are, at any moment, stepping on one cobblestone of reality while multiple other realities along different dimensions and timelines and personality multiverse exist. Right then and there. Then you just step to the right or the left or straight ahead. Or even back. Living is like a bit of a hopscotch.

4. Weather was fantastic.

5. Had a great lunch. There was a lot of carbs but that's all good. (I will get onto more protein tomorrow or next month onwards.) But today I had soyabean cutlet, rice, fried chilli, salt, daal,aloo and striped gourd poshto. Awesome! 

6. Reached home safe and sound. The cab guy was going too fast at first but later it was okay. I just love entering my Bandra. I love it so so so much. It's a cozy, peaceful little best lines with love and truth and peace. At least enough of it that the fledgling of gentleness in me is still kept alive while the rest of me turns granite or grey stone. Who knows? One day it will hatch. 

510 of 534

 I had the loveliest morning. Went for a walk a little late in the morning around 9 am and it felt as if I had discovered sunlight for the first time! Gosh!The sun really is a glorious glorious entity! It sounds strange but I have been active throughout the night so much in my life that this felt like a revelation. Andrew Huberman was right. Getting morning sun is superb! It's effect on the mood and mind is life-altering. I still feel an ache and heaviness but I see it with some detachment. Rather I felt this detachment as iwas taking the bend towards Carter Road. I love, love, LOVE Bandra. And this morning it looked like a baby that had woken up with a smile! 

I tried out this cafe Jaago on Carter Road and it was so perfect for work! Empty, clean with glorious foliage and a good enough cup of Americano but really little. 

Went to the gym for some stretches in the evening and it was good.

My cleaning lady did not come today because she had to go to her daughter's mother in law's funeral. She will be back tomorrow night. But today I had called a guy to do pest control in the house and all the stuff in the kitchen was removed and put in the living room. He was contracted to only remove the dishes, not put them back. So now my living room is filled with kitchen stuff.

I am alarmed with the amount of things I have. So.much.stuff. That too for the kitchen. Can you imagine?!

I was really tempted to order food from out but I decided to not do it. I have been thinking that next month on I will need to live frugally so I should work om the discipline to not order take-out. And also, take public transport as much as possible. 

It is hard to manage the logistics of a lot of things. Not hard. Tedious 

Anyway, all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke with him.

2. I cooked rice with haldi, salt, and clove. Can't say if it is because I was cooking for the first time this year or whether the dush was good...but it turned out really tasty.

3. Enjoyed my morning ever so much. I even borrowed a pen from a patron and sketches a bit.

508 and 509 of 534

 Living with a full ache. Today I did not go to the gym and felt like reaching out to people. Started with a trip to the tailor. Gave my favourite pair of Zara denims for the tailor to mend. The fabric at the seams was fraying. Wore my fire engine red shirt with my grey skirt. I quite love that look. I have a red lipstick from Sugar - it is a kind of a chilli pepper red that is gorgeous. 

Then called up a friend from Pune and we talked about ghosts. He sent me a horror film.

Then went over to my neighbour's house where I met her mother and had lovely homemade cold coffee. She looked healthy.

Then went out with a friend. That was nice. Bandstand is just so nourishing!

Read and article that I found idiotic: https://bymanujoseph.com/2025/08/16/about-insulting-men-for-not-reading-novels/

Just because you are an author of some reputed, you start drenching biases in broad strokes and call it social commentary? So now penalize people (women) for having a preference for men who read? Anyway his perspective. It's quite parochial though.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Got really good onions from Farmers Market. They were expensive but really good.

3. Got through a workday without losing my cool.

4. Had tasty food yesterday. Cook stewed some fruits with jaggery and used them as a spread on toast as a compote. Nice!

5. Conversation with a friend went well.

507 of 534

 I had a dream but I am not sure if it was a dream or something crossed over...because I still remember it vividly. Opposite my building, there is a building under construction. Last night, it was an eclipse so I was praying - after a long and sad night of trying to work through something. So I don't remember if I was praying or meditating or had drifted off to sleep early morning. But I sensed I saw that in my dream. There are large tin barricades in the building under construction. I saw a thin woman in a blue t-shirt and tights - with dead eyes, she looked like a zombie, move the two sheets of the barricade aside and climb out of some dug up groove and cross the road to come to my building. Her eyes were dead but they were looking at me. Her face is really vivid and it has been over 10 hours of my waking up, but I still see it. 

What could it mean? But maybe I will pray on it and ask her what she wants me to know. But something should stop in Bandra - this digging up should stop. I think we are dislodging some graves and some unrest is happening.

Based on my understanding of dream interpretation, here is my reading:

1. Eclipses are times when the 'veil' between this world and the next are thin. The underconstruction sites, dug up grounds, and the barricades could suggest that this is the veil that was opening.

2. The lady looking at me, even though she was the undead or a spirit, wanted to be seen. Maybe that's why I got the sense that maybe she was not so much haunting but asking me to take also acknowledge her in my ancestral prayers. Not sure if she was my ancestor or like in the Haunting of Hill House, I was seeing my own undead version in the future. (In that EXCELLENT series, one little girl sees a dead girl hanging from the ceiling or some such. It's her in the future. As an aside - so, even after all of the years after being dead and all, I am still in Bandra? Awesome!) But it just is good sense to pray for your own departed soul when one is still living. Actually, part of us is  dying every day anyway - cells, etc. May as well acknowledge that - all that lived memory gone.

3. That shade of blue - I think there is something there. I am not sure what significance or symbolism it is - it is an ordinary blue. Could it be Mother Mary's background blue (now that Bandra Fair will begin on September 14th)? But something about that blue is regular, working-class, and all.

4. The expression had purpose. That is the one thing that struck me - that I reckon that she was a ghost with dead eyes but they still registered an expression. (Now as I type this, I am a little scared.) Could that somehow mean that even after one dies, the purpose lives on? Or that unless I fill my purpose, I will meet that fate? Or one of my ancestors had died without fulfilling her fate and that's what I want to know? The last one could be it. 

Anyway, moving on to more mundane things. Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He sounded hearty and happy.

2. Work was okay. 

3. Made the decision to not go to the fancy gym from today. But went to the building gym and got a workout done.

4. Had some hash browns today.

5. Had rice and daal. Went to the drug store and got Diet Coke. Now that the gym is out, I think I will need to consciously get out of the house. 

506 of 534

Not wearing spectacles as I type this and it is feeling a tad uncomfortable. I don't know. This eclipse has been rough. A lot of heavy emotions seem to be surfacing. I am also getting a knot in my stomach. The feeling should go away I guess.

Anyway, even in the midst of strange unease, here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I didn't speak to him but there were no frantic calls. So that's good.

2. It was my friend's daughter's birthday. She turned six. Spoke with her and she told me about the cat that visits her. 

3. Went to an alumni meeting of sorts. It was an interesting experience.

4. Weather was nice today.

5. Went to the salon and had nails painted purple and shampooed and set my hair. Felt good and I thought I looked quite polished.

6. Wore heels after ages! It was uncomfortable but heels Just make you feel as if you are going places. At least that's how it is with me. I feel as if I have taken on a new personality that is far more put together.

7. I started reading the Vishnu Sahasranam today and came across a very interesting practice described in the book - Nyasa. (This Vishnu Sahasranam is published by the Chinmayanand Mission). Nyasa is like a spiritual tattoo. Using certain mudras you touch certain points in the body such as the crown of the head, the lips, etc. Each part you touch is establishing Vishnu in your body such that your body actually is getting set and positioned as a temple. You even end this practice by touching your own feet, so you are finally generating yourself. The whole idea is to blur the distinction between the worshipper, the god being worshipped, and the practice of worship itself. Wonderful explanation. It came with the caveat that this was mainly practiced in the South.

This much is good for now. 

505 of 534

It was one sort of day...the day of the big Visarjan. I had to go to Vashi and the plan was to leave early and return early but I was meeting a friend. So...I left in the afternoon and reached home a little late. Went to the temple, just quickly checked in on Papa and had tea, and then went off to meet my friend.

She treated me to Pani Puri and a yummy Bombay masala veg toast at Prashant Corner. Then we went to her really pretty place and we had coffee and stuff there. It was lovely!

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Had the resources for creature comforts such as a cab, a rick ride home, etc.

3. Friend gifted me a gorgeous sequinned dress. Looking forward to wearing it 

4. Controlled the impulse to spend.

5. Had nice soya chunks and rice for dinner.