360

 This feels endless - the water problem with rusty, reddish water running through the taps, the heat, the unending piece of work that I am trying so hard to focus and finish, the spotting of roaches, the cluttered cupboard, the dripping and chipping away of energy, the ache in the back, the heavy periods, the emotional drain - it.is.a.LOT. A LOT, A LOT, A LOT.

Still, one has lived through a day and I am so tempted to just rant and not make a list of the things I am grateful for. 

1. Papa is well. He came over today - not the best of days given the water situation but I was prepared to have him over. It's good to see him.

2. Today, I realized that my cleaning lady makes really tasty tawa toast with butter. I savored it.

3. Really enjoyed a large bag of the Lays West Indies sweet chili chips.

4. I finished writing the last bit of a project that was just not getting over. Huge relief. There's another bit that I need to finish tomorrow - another piece of work. But something is off my list and I'm grateful for it.

5. I heard a really nice talk on the role of worldly sensoriness based on the Gita. I want to write more about these things in detail. Maybe later.

6. Water is muddy but at least there is water. The way things have been happening in Bandra, I do sense that things will soon be eerily dystopian soon. But I feel in Bandra, we are being mutated to become some kind of a superior species - the truly superior species where the ego is broken and a real granite-like strength emerges like a sphinx from inside of us.

7. To manage the water situation, I used alum in the tap water. It did not automatically make the water potable but the change was remarkable. Apparently the best way to use it is in the form of a slurry and mix it in water. Then you need to filter it or decant it and boil it up. Still, it is a bit of a leap of faith to drink it. But it's okay. We got through one day. We'll get through others.

8. Managed to clock in a workout. Huge plus for discipline.

357, 358, 359

 I am exhausted and really irritated but I controlled my temper yesterday. Now I don't know what will happen today. 

It's my birthday today and I am just heaving with a kind of sadness. My heart feels full and my solar plexus feels wounded. I think I should plan to take a break and be in hiding for some time. I feel that I am carrying some old pain and it just surfaces over and over.

Anyway, I really have lost my will to continue this list but I'm already here so I will plod on:

1. Papa is well.

2. Had nice poha and creamy tofu.

3. Had safe cab rides even though the cabbies were driving fast both ways - to and from Vashi.

4. Have a home to stay in.

5. Wore my Zara skirt with a smart black top. Looked good. 

356

 Okay, so we are done with one more day. It was soothing in a few ways but a lot of work remains undone. Chest hurts a little bit. There's a lot of pain and anger but anyway, we plod on.

1. Papa is well.

2. Went to visit a friend's mum today. Today we watched another channel of a woman making something in a Bengali village. Apparently, village cooking is quite a genre on the telly.

3. Found a really pretty ivory cotton kaftan-type salwar suit I had bought during my first Ganpati when I moved to Bandra. Wore it.

4. Had an interesting dish today - dahi cooked with haldi and soya chunks.

5. Am safe.

6. Enjoyed a couple of discourses on Raktabeeja. The interpretation I heard was about how Raktabeej is actually the reactionary capacity of the ego. If the ego is hurt once, multiple stronger variations of the ego emerge. So the only way to destroy it is to submit this to Nature or Prakruti (who Ma Kali represents.) That was a nice, fresh perspective.

355

 Well, it has been a lazy hazy day and I was supposed to have been working on two projects. I did some partial work on one of them. A friend's mom passed on. This obviously caused some panic so I called up home. Papa did not pick up the phone. That also caused me some fear and irritation. But in any case, got through the day today.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well and I spoke to him. He sounded happy. Sometimes I marvel at him - he is in such a good mood so often. That is a precious trait!

2. I will have to visit my friend's mom again tomorrow. I had not factored in this in the schedule but it needs to be done so I will do it. 

3. In a chat with someone, I realized that one of the things that is actually blocking my life progress is a lack of patience. And in a discussion I heard about the first part of the Durga Saptashati, it was covered that a battle with the self is futile. You can't win. You will need to understand the motivations, bring the pain into awareness, and from that rough and tumble of all that chaos, you may find a way out. I actually don't think that my anger or lack of patience are problems. I feel that they are guarding me against some important dangers. But maybe sometimes, the ammo can be laid down. When I think about what bothers me most - it is fakeness. When I look back at some people I had met and hung out earlier in the year - people who I had worked with before - I could not put my finger on what was annoying me. Much later - with the shoddy job they did, their lack of accountability - I realized that a lot of what they said and did was fake. They would pretend to be skilled and qualified at something when they were not. When they found themselves out of depth in a project, they did not reach out and learn about it. When directions were given to them, they did not follow them because they felt that they knew stuff. But all the while, they would make these fake noises like, "Oh yes, I am open to learning." They were not open to learning. Now also, when things are going tough and you get an email from someone senior saying. "That was a good job or a good effort." - it means nothing because that person has no clue what the job entails. That is just lip service. I don't like fake. That is what makes me angry. But maybe those people don't realize they are fake and plastic. They may be pleased that their plastic-type persona is truth. Anyway - in the talk on Durga Saptashati today, the lens was to observe who we are and not blame the other people and the environment. When one judges and labels and (inevitably) hates, then we do not understand. The 'isness' is important to observe. So here I am observing the 'isness' of my anger. This year I will observe and overcome that. 

4. I am also grateful that I found another area that I need to work on. It is my sleep pattern. It is 4:30 in the morning and I have not slept. This has been a pattern for a long time. I think I need to examine myself closelt - why can't I get sleep?

5. The Nabeel attar is just so good! Very very nice! That was a blind buy and an excellent one!

354

 I slept off yesterday but wanted to write quickly about all the wonderful things that happened yesterday.

1. Had gone to meet Papa yesterday. He is well. It's always lovely to see him. His foot was not so good but he is doing okay.

2. I had also gone to visit a friend's mum who is by herself because my friend is traveling. She was also well. We watched a series on the TV - it was a Live Stream of a village somewhere in the North East where a woman cooks with farm-grown vegetables. We see her make pork and jute leaves, some yummy saag with masoor daal. She serves it on a peetal thali with bowls. Her little daughter and husband sit on the floor of their mud hut and eat. It was so wholesome - the scopping out of seeds and cucumbers, tempering of freshly picked curry leaves in deep golden mustard oil...beautiful.

3. The cab driver to Vashi had to break his fast for Ramzaan. He knew that he would be mid-way when the time to break his roza would arrive so he had stocked up. When he parked on the side of the road to eat, he gave me a bar of vanilla-filled custard cake. It was eggless. So sweet! God bless his young heart and spirit.

4. On the way returning from Vashi to Bandra, I had a small accident. It was okay. It was late but I was not hurt. That itself is okay.

5. Have a home to return to. It is clean and safe. There's water, there's space, there's clean linen, there's wi-fi, there's a gorgeous view overlooking the city. Yes - there's much to be pleased about.

Elypse

 She sat and sipped her magic potion by the light of the last candle. Outside the meteor showers landed on the neighbors balcony, rendering everything a petrochemical medley of swirling colors. Her potion was tepid now but she could tap it with a nail and make it cold. She could hum over it and boil the water. When she poured it out of the wooden case, letters and numbers had tumbled out. She picked out each one of them and fed them to a milga - a peacock and wolf mix - sitting near her. The milga stared at her - as if trying to locate the amethyst in her dark, burned heart. 

The inevitable would happen. The last meteor would stripe the sky. A beaten sun would rise. The milga would pounce on her and kill her. She'd made her peace with that. 

She sipped on her potion even more slowly now. She wanted to leave her name behind at the bottom of the glass. 

353

 A weird sort of day today. A project was put on hold and a lot of people were released. Some of them are really good - am sure they will land on their feet.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Got my new spectacles today.

3. Enjoyed the movie 'His three daughters' on Netflix.

4. Had really tasty banana chips.

5. Enjoyed the rajma.