356

 Okay, so we are done with one more day. It was soothing in a few ways but a lot of work remains undone. Chest hurts a little bit. There's a lot of pain and anger but anyway, we plod on.

1. Papa is well.

2. Went to visit a friend's mum today. Today we watched another channel of a woman making something in a Bengali village. Apparently, village cooking is quite a genre on the telly.

3. Found a really pretty ivory cotton kaftan-type salwar suit I had bought during my first Ganpati when I moved to Bandra. Wore it.

4. Had an interesting dish today - dahi cooked with haldi and soya chunks.

5. Am safe.

6. Enjoyed a couple of discourses on Raktabeeja. The interpretation I heard was about how Raktabeej is actually the reactionary capacity of the ego. If the ego is hurt once, multiple stronger variations of the ego emerge. So the only way to destroy it is to submit this to Nature or Prakruti (who Ma Kali represents.) That was a nice, fresh perspective.

355

 Well, it has been a lazy hazy day and I was supposed to have been working on two projects. I did some partial work on one of them. A friend's mom passed on. This obviously caused some panic so I called up home. Papa did not pick up the phone. That also caused me some fear and irritation. But in any case, got through the day today.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well and I spoke to him. He sounded happy. Sometimes I marvel at him - he is in such a good mood so often. That is a precious trait!

2. I will have to visit my friend's mom again tomorrow. I had not factored in this in the schedule but it needs to be done so I will do it. 

3. In a chat with someone, I realized that one of the things that is actually blocking my life progress is a lack of patience. And in a discussion I heard about the first part of the Durga Saptashati, it was covered that a battle with the self is futile. You can't win. You will need to understand the motivations, bring the pain into awareness, and from that rough and tumble of all that chaos, you may find a way out. I actually don't think that my anger or lack of patience are problems. I feel that they are guarding me against some important dangers. But maybe sometimes, the ammo can be laid down. When I think about what bothers me most - it is fakeness. When I look back at some people I had met and hung out earlier in the year - people who I had worked with before - I could not put my finger on what was annoying me. Much later - with the shoddy job they did, their lack of accountability - I realized that a lot of what they said and did was fake. They would pretend to be skilled and qualified at something when they were not. When they found themselves out of depth in a project, they did not reach out and learn about it. When directions were given to them, they did not follow them because they felt that they knew stuff. But all the while, they would make these fake noises like, "Oh yes, I am open to learning." They were not open to learning. Now also, when things are going tough and you get an email from someone senior saying. "That was a good job or a good effort." - it means nothing because that person has no clue what the job entails. That is just lip service. I don't like fake. That is what makes me angry. But maybe those people don't realize they are fake and plastic. They may be pleased that their plastic-type persona is truth. Anyway - in the talk on Durga Saptashati today, the lens was to observe who we are and not blame the other people and the environment. When one judges and labels and (inevitably) hates, then we do not understand. The 'isness' is important to observe. So here I am observing the 'isness' of my anger. This year I will observe and overcome that. 

4. I am also grateful that I found another area that I need to work on. It is my sleep pattern. It is 4:30 in the morning and I have not slept. This has been a pattern for a long time. I think I need to examine myself closelt - why can't I get sleep?

5. The Nabeel attar is just so good! Very very nice! That was a blind buy and an excellent one!

354

 I slept off yesterday but wanted to write quickly about all the wonderful things that happened yesterday.

1. Had gone to meet Papa yesterday. He is well. It's always lovely to see him. His foot was not so good but he is doing okay.

2. I had also gone to visit a friend's mum who is by herself because my friend is traveling. She was also well. We watched a series on the TV - it was a Live Stream of a village somewhere in the North East where a woman cooks with farm-grown vegetables. We see her make pork and jute leaves, some yummy saag with masoor daal. She serves it on a peetal thali with bowls. Her little daughter and husband sit on the floor of their mud hut and eat. It was so wholesome - the scopping out of seeds and cucumbers, tempering of freshly picked curry leaves in deep golden mustard oil...beautiful.

3. The cab driver to Vashi had to break his fast for Ramzaan. He knew that he would be mid-way when the time to break his roza would arrive so he had stocked up. When he parked on the side of the road to eat, he gave me a bar of vanilla-filled custard cake. It was eggless. So sweet! God bless his young heart and spirit.

4. On the way returning from Vashi to Bandra, I had a small accident. It was okay. It was late but I was not hurt. That itself is okay.

5. Have a home to return to. It is clean and safe. There's water, there's space, there's clean linen, there's wi-fi, there's a gorgeous view overlooking the city. Yes - there's much to be pleased about.

Elypse

 She sat and sipped her magic potion by the light of the last candle. Outside the meteor showers landed on the neighbors balcony, rendering everything a petrochemical medley of swirling colors. Her potion was tepid now but she could tap it with a nail and make it cold. She could hum over it and boil the water. When she poured it out of the wooden case, letters and numbers had tumbled out. She picked out each one of them and fed them to a milga - a peacock and wolf mix - sitting near her. The milga stared at her - as if trying to locate the amethyst in her dark, burned heart. 

The inevitable would happen. The last meteor would stripe the sky. A beaten sun would rise. The milga would pounce on her and kill her. She'd made her peace with that. 

She sipped on her potion even more slowly now. She wanted to leave her name behind at the bottom of the glass. 

353

 A weird sort of day today. A project was put on hold and a lot of people were released. Some of them are really good - am sure they will land on their feet.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Got my new spectacles today.

3. Enjoyed the movie 'His three daughters' on Netflix.

4. Had really tasty banana chips.

5. Enjoyed the rajma.

352

Not wearing spectacles and the vision is blurry. How much wrong is there in the world? Sometimes I wonder if we could take a step back and just quietly audit this - to get a grasp on the quantum of violence and pain we are surrounded with and capable of - maybe all that wounded up spirit will be exposed to the sun and get disinfected. Things are painful. Things are very painful. And people will sit and watch. No wonder impotency is on the rise. 

I once met someone in an office who told me he had gone to an office party where a young female colleague was getting hassled by a few people. It was late and she though she would leave. She stayed close to this guy's house. This guy was married. He could have easily dropped her but he didn't because his wife would get jealous and what if the woman filed some false accusation on him etc. So he drove home while this girl waited in the dark for her cab. She didn't wait inside the hotel because those other people were there. This guy left and he later told me this story to tell me how careful 'Indian men' had to be nowadays. Yes - I suppose you have to be careful as a man when you have no balls left. Is that what marriage makes you now? This kind of a conventional wimp who sucks on status quo? And this emasculation is supposed to give one 'security'?

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. There was food to eat and water to drink.

3. Went to the gym today. Did not do a whole lot of workut but did it.

4. Both help came today.

5. Got a chance to do some other work today.

351

 Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Feel really comfortable and chic in my white kurta.

3. Really enjoying the Naeel fragrance from Ajmal.

4. Got through the day and various calls.

5. Had poshto today. Papa's chef had sent me. So tasty.

6. Found my kombucha bottle.

,7. Got some clarity about something today. Now I need to have the guts to power through it.