There's a quote by Chesterton that goes, "“The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.” The paradox of being burdened by the same thing that fueled you, or being pained by the same thing that protected you is not a new condition. In fact, one could postulate that this condition is as old as human existence itself. One of the common fallouts of living with such paradox is incessant labelling and an endless need to survive a volatile inner world - a feeling or a trait that felt good at one time feels bad and sickly at another.
It is usually in the middle of such churn that one finds a book. In my case, I'd come across this book ages ago but it was lying on my bookshelf for a long while. And then it was Gagandeep Singh Kapoor's gentle insistence that I read it. And it was a tough read - emotionally, mentally, and although I do not want to use that term in context of a book write-up - but spiritually as well. There is such a Vedantic-patina to the whole text that is hard to miss. But I am getting ahead of myself.
Richard C Schwartz is an American psychotherapist who developed the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model. This model serves as a systemic approach to traditional psychotherapy, the ultimate aim of which is dealing with and healing trauma - both at an individual and family level. The story of how he identified the gaps and limitations in psychotherapy and how this led to the emergence of IFS is a deeply humbling trajectory in itself. (The book has a small portion of that.) There comes a time when intellect just goes so far and no further - one does not understand why one feels or things the way one does, why patterns keep repeating - and even if you have figured those two parts - how do you get the story to change?
A central premise to IFS is a departure from the 'mono mind'. Basically, we do not have just one mind. Our mind itself is made up of many different parts. Our non-acceptance of this paradigm is what has us warring with our various sides. However, we do have a central Self that is peaceful and compassionate. The issue is when our various parts take over and edge out the Self. These parts that we are made up of are firefighters, managers, protectors - and a few others that I have forgotten. Although every part may be different, each part's entire agenda is to save and protect yourself from further hurt. The self-sabotage that you likely face is one part protecting you for the 'good stuff' for your 'own good'. Suppressing, denying, berating the part- etc. does not help. If anything, it makes those parts fight back stronger. So, the idea is to sit with yourself and try to talk to each of these parts and then mediate and come to some truce.
The book has some meditations and exercises that one can work through. They are tough because any of the feelings that are deep rooted and deep seated are painful as they get dislodged. And I did actually feel the dislodging - which is an oddly surreal feeling. You don't think of an old emotion holding physical space in your body but maybe it does. (Or maybe I am just that susceptible). But -- as with my introduction to Vedanta -- the first step was to try to stop labeling. Describe a situation, not judge it. Because with judgment comes a need to defend, deny, justify, explain, etc. etc. - everything besides acceptance. And acceptance (or as Tara Bracht called it...Radical Acceptance) is the answer. In fact more than the answer, it is the whole point of all this living.
I particularly liked the sweetness of the language. It is kind and tender. The description of how IFS is supposed to help one architect a strong personality, a compassionate human being...and maybe a loving world - that is the most winsome message of this book.
"“We need a new paradigm that convincingly shows that humanity is inherently good and thoroughly interconnected. With that understanding, we can finally move from being ego-, family-, and ethno-centric to species-, bio-, and planet-centric.”
And if we look around at the world we currently inhabit, that's the memory we need...and the resolve.
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