Day 89 of 108

Tired. Sick. Fed up. But there was the moon. 

I am too wiped to even register what is happening here.  But...Papa is well and after a long time, I sensed his joy. 

Day 88 of 108

I don't know how much longer I can take this. Even my fatigue is tired. It seems to be tough going for a while now. But these are the times one remembers one's yoga lessons for...it doesn't get easier, you get stronger.

Well, I don't believe it today but here we are.

Here are all the things I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well. We had a difficult episode today but it's okay. We passed through that. I pray that whatever tangled knot there is gets untangled now.

2.  On the way to get the newspaper, I saw a tiny baby, Dhruv. He could barely keep his head up. Little puffy cheeks he had.

3. I made a cream cheese sauce that I had with bread late at night. 

4. Managed to keep a fast.

5. Had electricity. 

Day 87 of 108

If my fatigue could get tired, I am there now. I just got a bit of respite when I prayed a little bit. But there is life. So there is hope. And one lives centered in that. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He ate well today. He also went to the gym to work out for 20 minutes. He looked quite cute in his red jumper and khaki shorts.

2. Got a call from a friend. We might be meeting on Saturday. Really looking forward to it.

Shucks. I was not able to paste this yesterday. Never mind. It's okay. I will still complete the other 3 things today.

3. Both cook and cleaning lady came.

4. The dhobi turned up. This may seem like a strange thing but thus dude keeps taking off whenever.

5. Had good food. Ordered boondi laddoo from Meetha. 

Day 86 of 108

Flight, fright, freeze...and now, I am in freeze mode. It is so hard to summon peace. There's really so much going on around us. When I go out in the morning, I feel the sense of war and some kind of tired wrath around. It is sick and painful. Still, one must plod on and I am grateful for the opportunity to just show up...if nothing ese other than to see how things continue. 

Anyway, here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. His lower back is hurting and he is forgetting things. But we went to the building gym today where he happily cycled for 10 mins. I was still in my dress and flats but tried doing some weights. I will need to get back to it but am grateful that I got a chance to do that.

2. A friend called up. It was so nice and soothing to hear from him. Felt a little nourished. I have a feeling that something unsettling will happen towards the end of the month. So I just try to shore up on as much peace as I can.

3. The puranpolis I got from Manek superstore were awesome! I really liked their thepla too but Papa didn't like them. We are fond of their idlis though.

4. Managed to keep a fast.

5. Had water, food, and electricity. 

Day 85 of 108

 There have been a few upheavals today. Could not keep my fast. But held ground. So, no harm done. Managed to keep track of the electrician's visit, father's medication, and put in an honest day's work. So, good so far. 

Anyway here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He wrote a little bit and went for a walk. That was nice. I was a tad worried but he came back safe. He doesn't like walking but it's important that he do it.

2. The electrician came on time and fixed the fan. It was a quick, easy process without the million follow-up calls, etc. That was good.

3. Was too hassled today to fast. So ate bur liked my mix of soy wheat soba noodles and white rice.

4. Had electricity today. And there was water, etc.

5. Got some money that was owed to me from before. Always a nice thing to happen as one approaches the end of the month.

Day 84 of 108

 It was such a precious day today. I had my own weary heavings of expectations and a lot of mindless scrolling but I felt a sense of nourishing rest that I had not felt for a long time. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. 

2. I made up my mind today to not get impatient about a lot of things. I managed to not erupt.

3. Finished reading Max Porter's Shy today. It was a rough read. 

4. Papa and I went to Facing East in Juhu for dinner. He really enjoyed it. He is asleep now, like a peaceful child. That's nice.

5. Managed to keep the fast today. 

Day 83 of 108

 I am beyond exhausted. There is a slight fever. Nowadays my days are a gamut of such emotional rides that it feels as if I am living 15 days in 1 day. Is that good? Or not? After reading No Bad Parts, I am really trying to stay away from labels. So, the days go by drip by drip. Still, a lot happened today.

1. Papa is well. I was really upset with him this morning. But as I reflect now, I don't know if I was upset with him or at my own helplessness. Even as I was losing my cool, I could not believe how calm he is. But the fact remains that he is losing his memory and like it or not, I am not able to do much about it. I am operating at my maximum capacity of nervous system equilibrium. But just when you think you can't manage more, life does expand your capacity. So, really grateful for that. Papa is well and now fed and happy.

2. We went for a movie today, "Goat" at my favourite cinema hall, PVR Lido opposite SNDT college. We reached early. There was a private screening of the same movie going on for a bunch of kids...maybe 5 or 6 year olds. So cute and noisy! Papa was quite intrigued with this whole new world where stylish event managers handled return gifts of children, arranged for drop-offs and such. The movie is quite well made but I thought the emotional core was a little lacking. But Papa was seeing a movie after 4 years or so. So he was quite pleased with the experience.

3. We went to Dosa Dosa on Juhu for an after-movie snack. Papa had a ragi ghee dosa. I was fasting so I did not eat anything. But it looked like a really nice place and I would love to try it out someday.

4. We went to Nariman Point to enjoy the sunset. And I really wanted Papa to take a walk. Papa was so happy with the Coastal Road! That's a joy...to see him happy and mesmerized with these things. He looks so cute! Nariman Point is such a rhapsody. It can make a crowd and cluster of random people look like a cinematic ensemble. The haze is really strong now. But still...when the lights come on after the sun goes down... it's like polished diamonds adorning a gracious empress, one at a time.

5. Ate kadhi-chaawal in the evening. I just love that. 

I know that I am trying to avoid facing up to a truth...my father may never remember this day. (I quizzed him about a few facts today. He remembered a few details and forgot a few others.) God forbid but there may even come a time when he does not remember me. So I am just grateful that I have the option to write and record these things. Granted...all this is like building castles in the sand. And tomorrow the waves of the ocean of Time will erase it all out. But...until then, the heart is grateful for Saturdays like this when it all came together for a father and a daughter in a large city. 

Day 82 of 108

 I am tired but a little relieved. I think I can take one day off in the coming week. Let's see how that goes. Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I was so upset with him this morning. He just doesn't listen sometime.

2. Had an interesting conversation with my boss. 

3. Got through two calls today.

4. Managed to keep a fast today.

5. Felt sick but Papa soothed me down.

Day 81 of 108

 Well, we are done. A whole day spent but not much got done. But a lot got discussed and we will notch that down to one type of existence. Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Managed to keep a fast today. 

3. Really enjoyed my cortado at Boojee.

4. Survived a work day.

5. Liked my star-splattered dress from nearly 10 years ago.

Day 80 of 108

It was an okay day. A lot on my plate but much got done. Of course, much remains. 

to be done as well. There is a lot of exhaustion and loose ends. A couple of spats exist. 

Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Got through the day.

3. Got through a couple of calls. Did not like how they went. But calls began and they ended.

4. Tried to get an ex-colleague a job. It was not a good experience...to see the humungous amount of pain someone earnest has to go through. And now I really do wonder if getting older is the bane that it is. What do you do if you get older and don't have a livelihood? That is painful. And scary. So am grateful for having the resources I do - not just the work I have but the options to help out someone.

5. Today, the cook had made really tasty food! The karela fry was yummy! With rice and yellow daal, it was the perfect meal.

Day 79 of 108

I am so tired and weary but today, oddly, am not bereft of hope. The eclipse happened and I managed to keep a fast. So there is that. Now, I pray that whatever happens, I get some steadiness in my field.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. We went for an impromptu night ride to Mount Mary. He climbed up to the Basilica and looked so pleased with himself!

2. Both help came today.

3. I got Arabian pudding from Pakeeza, which Papa really liked.

4. Finished a video storyboard today.

5. Ordered for masala pav from Amrut Sagar. Gosh! So tasty! Broke my fast with that. Really happy!

Day 78 of 108

I deserve a medal for how much resistance I have pushed through today. It was a reasonably slow day workwise. I started reading Shy by Max Porter. Am finding it a tad hard to follow. But will continue.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I was upset with him because he went out without finishing his protein shake and taking his meds. But thankfully he came back at night and is now fed and fine.

2. Cook and help - both came today. I really can't take this for granted. So so grateful for being able to afford help.

3. Completed a draft of a storyboard. There is some sense of accomplishment.

4. Had electricity and running water.

5. Enjoyed the dosa etc. in the morning. I overate today. Lots. Stress eating. It's okay. Goes to show I have food. And really grateful for that. 

Day 77 of 108

Today, so many unexpected things happened. But thus far have managed to keep the Shivratri fast. Thank you Shivji! Grateful. Of course, nearly 8 more hours to go. But let's see. I have made it thus far.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Had a really nice chat with him this evening.

2. Our car lift stopped working so we couldn't take the car out. The driver I had called waited around for a couple of hours and left. I had to pay him still. So that was money spent for nothing. But at least we were not in the lift when that happened. So really grateful for that. 

3. I had to let go of a play I had booked tickets for nearly 2 months ago. And they were expensive tickets too. But couldn't leave Papa. I am just grateful that I was able to put this down to God's will instead of dwelling.

4. Really enjoyed Helene Turnsten's book, "An Elderly Lady is up to no good'. There is equal amounts of peace and drama here. 

5. Went to the close by temple with Papa. That was special...this making of new memories. 

6. Caught up with a friend and we hung out at Bandstand. Little pockets of peace and friendship should be collected. 

Day 76 of 108

I was exhausted beyond belief. Slept off. It was a mixed bag today. Slept a lot. But here go a bunch of things:

1. Papa is well. Got angry and upset but we sorted ourselves out a little. Papa is always vety calm but I sorted myself out a little.

2. Papa and I went to Kitchen Garden by Suzette in Juhu. It is not as good as the one in Bandra. The service was chaotic. The microwave was not working. But we had a good late breakfast and it was good. The vegan carrot cake was especially excellent! Even though they could not warm it up.

3. Papa and I had a good conversation in the evening. These are the things that nourish me at times.

4. I got a driver for a day. So after ages I went to Palladium and bought a lot of stuff from Muji and a couple of things from Uniqlo.

5. Really grateful that I had money to indulge myself a little bit now. 

6. Went to Prithvi theatre and bought some books from their bookstore. I love that bookstore so much!

Day 75 of 108

 Today again was a tough day and extremely emotionally charged. I am just not getting time to unwind. There is so much energy in me and I have not worked out in ages. My regular to-do list has 65 items. And that is not even before I get to work. No...it must be said...I am stretched thin. But let's see...I am being forged by things. 

I had enrolled in some chakra class that I could not attend regularly because of calls and stuff. But I need to listen to recordings and make notes. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Today was a day of difficult conversations between us. But I don't feel too badly about it. It's time for a churn. And these kinds of times are never easy.

2. A book that I had ordered got delivered today.

3. Managed to keep almost keep a fast.

4. Had a chat with a friend. Haven't heard from him in ages.

5. Got through the day. Am done.

Day 74 of 108

 Very very tired today. But to keep things unbroken, I will write my gratitude list today. Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Went to meet a colleague today. It was good fun!

3. Had an important call today.

4. Went for dinner to Alfredo's. It was nice.

5. Had a good chat with Papa.

6. Went for a walk on the beach.

Day 73 of 108

It was a very frustrating day. But if I keep my frustration aside for a little bit, I find it amazing how much of life's patterns repeat themselves. Same triggers. Same pain. Same reaction. The situation does not change. In fact, it will keep repeating again and again. They say awareness breaks the links. I have not displayed this level of awareness. But maybe in time, I will. 

Here are a few things that I am grateful for today:

1. Papa is well. I brought him 'The Week' today and he was reading it so happily.

2. Had a really good chat with a friend.

3. Managed to make it for a client call today despite interruptions. 

4. Completed the last of a batch of documents. It was exhausting - just getting each one out. But I became aware of just how resistant I was. Awareness is difficult. It is tough. 

5. Managed to go to the church. Happened to encounter a sweet, grateful homeless person. How did he get to where he is? I often wonder about the homeless. What all has their nervous system gone through? I have a home. An address. If I stew in my shit, there is some space. What if that wasn't there? What would eye contact with me look like? It gave me a lot to think about. 

6. Enjoyed the bhel.

7. Water problem continues in Bandra. But building made some arrangement and we got water. 

Day 72 of 108

I have lived with the worst headache today. It was crazy. Head feels heavy and I feel nauseous and bloated! But...still managed to finish up one part of work and attended a call, etc. So, we did what we did. Done.

There was a water problem today and it was horrible. The panic and the sudden breakdown of my spirit. But no matter. We got through. 

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He and I got into a typical spurious altercation in the morning. But he is always so sweet and calm! But later tonight, we had a really lovely conversation.

2. Have not been getting time to work out. So grateful for the short walk to buy vegetables.

3. Managed to get through a call today.

4. Got through work today. It is feeling so hard nowadays.

5. Quite enjoyed the dosa today. 

Such is life. 

Day 71 of 108

Lord! The amount of work! Today I could feel it in my bones...the notion that I am an old soul! Goodness! The weariness, the jadedness... actually it is not grief. I think it is just fatigue. I could not carry some burden anymore so I bowed out of something. I feel a tad bad but there is a larger hefty elephant-proportioned task to take on. 

Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He has eaten and is asleep now after taking his medicines. So cute he looks when he is resting.

2. Today a familiar trigger happened and I gave in to it. But after it had blown over, I realized that it is painful. But making eye contact with the pain actually brings peace.

3. Finally made some overnight oats today. Papa and I will try them tomorrow but I am just glad that I got the dates to make them.

4. Ordered for some things from Goila Butter Chicken today. Papa liked the dahi ke kabab. I did not. But so grateful for this. 

5. I got through the day. I am soothed.

Day 70 of 108

 I am really, really overwhelmed. I have no idea what is happening but some steadiness and some stability has to come my way soon. But I have to commend myself on just how much I am taking these last few days. It's amazing how much volatility a heart can cope with...must cope with. 

Here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He is with me now, a little reluctant to be in Bandra. But I am relieved.

2. Cook had made really tasty chhole.

3. Had a good chat with Papa. 

4. Have a comfortable home for my family.

5. There is water, electricity, food, and enough for a few treats. That really is sufficient for making a world. 

6. Bought roses today. Love them! 

Day 69 of 108

 I am at Vashi tonight and I am staying over. Some major shifts are afoot - and I don't mean physically. Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. I cannot explain just how much relief and joy this bit fills me with. 

2. Got some money credited today and paid off the maintenance for the house. 

3. Ate a ton of rice. It makes me feel so good. This was a masala vegetable pulao with some yummy mango chutney.

4. Had a good rick ride to Vashi. Reached quick.

5. Had a tough discussion with the staff but sorted that out.

6. A friend is in Goa. I just felt so happy with the notion that someone is enjoying themselves there. 

Life is sweet. With the knot of anxiety and the strange grief that pervades off and on...life is sweet.

Day 68 of 108

Survived a day and survived a night. Survived a week.

I checked up on a friend today. I thought she was trying to convince herself of a whole lot of things. And I found myself making some tall claims too. Well, it is always good when you notice the prickly part in yourself.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Finished the main parts of my work today.

3. I enrolled in a short workshop.

4. Really wrestled with deep resistance. I don't think I won over it for good. But today, could overcome it.

5. Was really tempted to say something sharp against someone. But I did not.

Day 67 of 108

I am so tired and so exhilarated that I could cry. And I probably will. But the day endes so quickly after dragging on forever. I am exhausted. 

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. One of my past dues got cleared today. So that is good. And a huge relief. 

3. Sudden plans happened and I went for a walk after work with a friend. He walks really briskly. So that was good. It felt good.

4. Had a good chat with a friend. Another friend from long ago called.

5. I had two small pudding cups from Pakeeza. That was yummy. 

Day 66 of 108

Tough day but survived it. There was a longish stretch of peace in here. But it vanished a little bit. I am so so tired. The exhaustion is crushing. 

Anyway here are a few good things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Today I was really worried about him. I needed him to come but he was busy. I was really worried but later I spoke with him, so felt good. Relieved.

2. The cleaning lady landed up today. So that was really good.

3. A client meeting happened so that was okay.

4. I did something a little interesting today.

5. Managed to get through without a meltdown. That is huge.

Day 65 of 108

Heaving a sigh. I am not having a good day, week, month, year. It is getting very very difficult and I think it will get stickier and tougher as the case may be. I really really miss Mummy. I wish she was here. Here with me. If I walked to the next room, she would be with me. My mummy. Who I would hig tight. I really really want my Mum.

Anyway, grief and boredom aside, here are a few things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Spoke to him today.

2. Went to Mount Mary tonight. Felt a little soothed.

3. Was feeling really low so took myself out for a burger. It was expensive considering payments haven't come in and I still got to do stuff. But...there was some extra for a tiny treat.

4. Cook made good poha today.

5. Prayed a little bit.

Day 64 of 108

So exhausted but I am in a goodish space. Mainly because it was so heavy and rough but stayed true and got through.

Here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Cook turned up today.

3. Got through a rough day today. I am just notching up all the days I survived so that I remember that about myself if and when things get tougher 

4. Enjoyed my cup of caramel custard from Pakeeza.

5. Loved the quick walk up Pali Hill.

Day 63 of 108

 There was some quiet chaos and some deep knot of nervousness. I felt good after journaling a bit. Anyway, here are all the things I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well.

2. Both help came today. Tomorrow onwards one of them is on leave so I may as well enjoy the regular attendance when they do turn up.

3. Wanted to go for a walk. But just walked to the neighborhood Starbucks. Spotted a glorious, shiny moon - full and luscious! Met a neighbor on the way, waved hello - I don't know why...this strange human fleeting interactions seem oddly pleasant someday.

4. Got really tempted with cheese masala dosa. So I had one plate at Mani's. It was so, so good!

5. Chatted with a friend on phone. That was nice.

6. Journaling felt good. 

7. Had a good discussion at the Book Club meet. 

Sine qua non of Almost Reading

 We had to read 'Behave' by Robert Sapolsky for my Book Club. It has a tasty introduction but is a tome to get through. Of course, I have no real excuse other than sloth, intellectual lethargy and usual potion of procrastination and dispersed focus. But I still landed up at the book meet. 

And I noticed that there is a way readers don't read. In the sense, their non-reading is also a kind of reading. Like when a billionaire becomes a millionaire - sure, there is huge loss. But there is still enough money to get by. I reckon this is sounding like sugar-coating lapse but here's what I mean.

We discussed a little bit about what we thought of the book of whatever we had read. And that is where, even the non-reading of the material was described with some subtext. They weren't all bald, bland, and blatant 'No's'. There were some of those. But there were also some who catalogued their perusals carefully. Some connected what they had read with whatever else they had read at another time - like daisychaining a set of ideas. Then there were the recommendations. That is always the most precious part of any conversation about books, isn't it? What does this topic remind you of? If you liked this theme, you may enjoy that. What would you recommend I invest a few hours of my life in? 

Even the attempt of reading a book and then failing at it (my own performance was abysmal) is the least hopeless in a confederacy of (almost) readers. 

Day 62 of 108

Today was a huge rollercoaster ride and I am feeling overwhelmed. I am feeling tired. It just feels as if I have been walking an uphill battle off and on for a long time. It has been a long stretch of the desert and am still in the center of Thar. 

There is pain. No doubt about it. Yet, it feels as if it is sharing the sofa with some well-being. There is pain yes. But... something feels settled a little bit. 

Anyway, here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. Did not get a chance to go meet him today. But no frantic calls. So he is okay.

2. Met a friend for dinner tonight. We went to 70 Beans near Palm Beach Galleria. Oh! It's excellent! We had a Korean pancake, a really yummy au gratin, some potato poppers, and a very tasty Kiwi margarita. Very good service. The best part as usual was my conversation with her. She told me about a concept called 'Decoupled' which is used in trauma therapy. It means isolating the strands of emotion from incident, etc. and being able to identify and see the trauma memory as memory. This was my understanding. I have to read more about it so I could have explained this wrong.

3. She also told me about a couple of concepts: Polyvagal theory and Bodynamics. Both associated with trauma therapy. Should explore both these concepts more.

4. Reached home safe.

5. Took the train to Vashi. Had a couple of difficult experiences. But felt good to be in motion in the rain, despite the crowd and all.

6. Oh. My friend also recommended another book by a Korean-born German philosopher. The book is called 'The Burnout Society'. 

7. I got a book called Hikikomori by a Japanese psychologist who came up with this concept to explain a certain phenomenon he observed in Japan...people in their twenties or older who lock themselves in a room and just decide to exile from life. They don't even talk to their parents. Their parents leave them food outside their bedroom door and later collect the empty dishes. That is the extent of contact. And this apparently goes on for years or some extended period of time.

All the pictures from today: