Dasera diary

There's a lot to write and unpack about today. But I am typing on my phone and I have battled a hardening of heart and failing. So I don't really want to spend a lot of time and energy on this blog post. 

First, hope everyone reading this had a meaningful Dassera and Bijoy Dashmi. I encountered the strength of my own conditioning and mental patterns. This Dassera I found out just how much I had underestimated my resistance. The good thing was that I found a purpose to commit to for the rest of this year at least and see where it takes me.

Here are all the things that I am grateful for:

1. Papa is well. He is not a 100% okay. Had a troubled tummy. But otherwise he is okay. Ate well. 

2. I sensed that I handled two situations better today than I would have done before. But two or three other times, I lapsed back into painful behaviours. Still. The heart will accept everything unconditionally and hold space for them. 

3. Now, this was a revelation for me today but it's not a terribly original idea. When interacting with some people, I noticed that some of my energy centers were paining. So, it's not as if I felt a lot of resistance regarding everything. Or my whole body clammed up. But I noticed that when I got a text message from someone, my chest hurt right smack in the center. Then when someone else called, my solar plexus started hurting. The second instance was a bit weird because that person would ordinarily be a safe, harmless person. And the solar plexus chakra stands for personal power. It starts hurting when you perceive attack. Or you have not protected your boundaries and things have broken down. So, I wondered why that was. I think it is because I feel judged by that person and not in a favourable way. Meaning that I come up lacking things in their eyes. Which of course means that they are nowhere in the picture or equation. It just means I have not chosen myself often enough. (In a way that matters.) Something to work on. 

I am grateful for this realisation. Not really sure whether it is correct or not. But it is special because I realized how powerful and instrument the body is. It indicates so much so subtly, yet clearly. This whole design of having emotions traversing the body and forming little pools or dams or calacites in your veins and organs and bloodstream is fascinating. 

4. I sketched something and shared with everyone. Felt good.

5. Really enjoyed khichdi today after so long. And nachni dosa. And Papa's cook who made a salad with raw onions, smoked red chillies and mustard oil.