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 It was a sledge ride at work. There was tumultuous news. Then there was peace. Then there was rocky news again. Then some calls, marginal work, and that's that. One day ended.

Woke up a tad late today. I have hired new help and I don't really want her now. But she just started and it's not going too well. As in, I am not feeling too good about it. The other one is also not getting into the groove. Some people at work are making silly errors and you have to answer for them. That's not too shabby though. Mistakes get made, rectified, and moved past. In fact, the learning from a mistake is the mental kintsugi.

Didn't work out today. Not because there was a lot of work but because it was sporadic. 

I don't like losers. I can't quite explain what I mean by that - it is not the person who has actually lost. But people who I suppose put up a facade of pretend to be winners in some alternative game when they're not. Like...people who don't have sufficient means but support charity and keep talking about that to guilt others into thinking that they are living a hollow life. It's not people who actually do charity. It's people who seemingly support charities when their own life is running around. They can't take care of their families or their own children or parents but they want to donate to some organization. Again, this is not what I want to say. It is possible to love a penguin more than a sister. But...I suppose what I am trying to say is that I notice a certain two-facedness in trying to cover up one's own lack of self-worth with altruism.

It is the worst - self-delusion is I think the very worst sort of mental and emotional state. There was a friend's brother who had come over. He explained nearly 5 times how his sister (my friend) was taking care of his parent that he was paying for. The fact that he needed to say it so many times made it so clear that he was feeling guilty. Because no amount of dollars or Euros in the world could make it up for the fact that his sister was there to help his mum to the toilet and change her diapers when he wasn't. It's not easy examining your motives and owning up to the truth, for sure. But living in delusion is equally painful and infinitely more dangerous I think. You start cultivating within you a cunning coward that will keep robbing you of the sun.

I bought another Gita today, I don't know why. I have so many variations. I think buying books, especially wisdom literature, is just cloak and dagger stuff from sitting in one place and feeling one with the knot in the stomach.

Anyway this is it for today. Will change, make coffee, and see if I can do some more work. Requiem for tedium.