I had started this post a couple of days ago but I am writing it today. It is sickening - the amount of anger just swishing inside me. I got so violently ill yesterday - with loose motions. I've not had loose motions for two decades now. My body was aching so badly. And it was sudden. Very sudden. And today the fan stopped working. Not related maybe but who can tell. Maybe there's an amount of funk and junk in the stars.
I had a call early in the morning and a call late evening. I think just the walks to Mount Mary are my source of emotional nourishment. Earlier I used to take the Mount Mary steps and go to the Basilica. Nowadays I walk through Bandstand. Sometimes I find the walk soothing. But other times, like today, I felt sick. All that darkness and shadows, sharp rocks like evil, greedy jaws laying bare because the low tide has exposed them...It felt like a cruel world.
I was approached by two women today. One was in a car at the foot of ZigZag Road and asked me where Pali Hill was. I told her. The other one was at Bandstand. She said something along the lines of "Help me" or "Give some money" or something. I noticed that they both seemed to look a little scared when I made eye contact with them.
I remember an interview of Nawazuddin Siddiqui. He was asked how he prepared for his role as the violent killer as Raman Raghav. He said that he had sit in his room for days, just going over every piece of pain and shame and used to think violent thoughts. So much so that he started seething. To test whether he had internalised the character well enough, he walked out one day and noticed that people were giving him a wider berth when he walked, they weren't making eye contact with him... that's when he knew he was ready.
I just don't want to meet or talk to anyone. Feeling too much pain in my bones and muscles.
Many other things might be out of control but this much I will do...restrict meeting anyone. Let's see how that works out.
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