I did not write yesterday. Not because there was no time but because I had to finish a couple of storyboards and I had parked working on the storyboards over the weekend because the rest of the week is spent in meetings and feeling tired and exhausted.
But despite my displeasure, I wanted to begin a Monday morning with a meeting. I think this is what one means by 'creatures of habit'. Just today I was thinking about how it has been so long since I woke up with no agitation. Sometimes as I read, "When the body says no" I wonder what all I am putting my body through - a continued, sustained stress. But then again I think that perhaps this is a rite of passage. That by building a capacity for precisely this agitation, some superhero-esque dimension is instilled inside of me and it will soon emerge. I don't know if it is a function of time and space (or it must be a function of time and space because nothing is permanent) but I have taken to deny much of my routine pleasures. Actually not deny. But just don't feel like indulging in those anymore. Like I haven't gone for a movie in ages. Or met anyone. Or gone out for dinner or a coffee. And I don't even miss it. Just something I think about when I go for a walk.
I think I can finally accept that my life as I know it has changed. And I have changed beyond recognition as well. Although outwardly and intellectually I am supposed to be unhappy about this, I finally feel...free?
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