Feeling

Trigger warning: I have used graphic language to describe a dream. Please stop reading if the description or language makes you uneasy. 

Had very bad dreams during a nap. Head feels heavy. Feeling nauseous. I see dark clouds around. Heavy dark clouds.

Went to the gym in my building. Today, for the first time, I felt a little scared in the gym. The gym is usually empty. At times, two young boys work out. I go late in the evenings, after people have gone. I have to switch on the lights in the gym, open the windows or switch on the AC, plug in the treadmill if I want to use it, etc.  

It's a really small gym. People accustomed to better equipped health centers would find this piddly. But I really like it. It is cozy and empty. It is sometimes so quiet that I take work calls in there.

But today after the nap, when I visited the gym in the evening, I felt really scared. 

My guess is that it has something to do with the neighboring building being broken down for redevelopment.

From the gym, one can overlook this neighboring building. It was/ is majestically called Trilok (at least for now). It has a sharp, steep slope that I always loved. I have very fond memories of walking up that slope to meet my friend, Sh, and go for French tuitions, look at these kids live very different lives from mine. I used to be a very shy girl who could barely make eye-contact with anyone, leave alone a boy. My friend, Sh, and all the other kids in that building seemed to sparkle with confidence.

Sh always had really cool stories about various parts in her building. Some were saucy gossips that always involved an adulterer, a revengeful wife, and some poor child who had hex on her or him. Now that I look back, Sh used to tell me the story with only a few details changed. I was stupid enough to believe that but she really did spin a convincing yarn.

The foliage at Trilok always interested me, though. My building always kept plants trimmed and manicured. But Trilok had thickets of plants, shrubs and trees that looked unruly, wild, and enchanted. I did believe that fairies lived there. 

Anyway, back to present times.

Earlier, I would look out the gym window and reminisce about Trilok and my friend as I saw people in hard hats drill the ground and move heavy machinery. (I realise a better use of my time would have been to actually work out but that's another story.) It would put a smile on my face.

But last few days, I feel a dread when I look out. It sounds weird but the way the earth has been dug and drilled, it feels as if a pregnant woman's stomach has been split open and many unborn/ half-made children are pulled out. It is looking grotesque. I now don't go to the window or look out. But I sense it. Pain, a lot of pain, behind me. A few meters away. 

Today, it was particularly horrible. I started doing the elliptical in the empty gym. And I started getting the feeling that someone was behind me. Not immediately behind. But the other side of the window. The elliptical faces a mirror and I did all that I could to not look in the mirror. I was pretty sure that I would see something.

I generally don't listen to music when I work out. I listen to a podcast or an interview. Basically someone talking. Today I was listening to an interview of Anupama Chopra and Karthik Aryan. He has done a new movie with the director of Neerja. 

Midway into the interview, I heard children crying. Not loud. Just sobbing. The way children would weep if they didn't get food. I felt it coming from behind me.

There were no children, of course. I was imagining them. Or, if it wasn't imagination, it was clearly coming to me from some other space. I went to the window and looked.

It had rained today. It was glistening out there. Some equipment had their lights on. Work had stopped but some people were around. And that ground lay open like a dead mother with undead children.

Now I couldn't stand it anymore. I left and went to my little lap of peace, Mount Mary's. And after a long, long time, I prayed really hard. 

It's a routine redevelopment project happening in the neighborhood, one of hundreds in Bandra, one of thousands in Mumbai. If I have to hear wailing children every time a building gets razed to the ground, I can't really live in the city. But something about Trilok just felt like a whole world of pain was getting unleashed.

From whatever I have learned about these things in life, I only know that one can and one must only pray for peace. Whatever lies buried under that ground, whatever is now hurting because it feels displaced, I just pray that she and all her children are soothed and they find peace. 

I don't know how long I was praying. When I opened my eyes, the number of people had thinned. A family of three was trying to take a selfie on the steps of the Basilica. The father was holding a little girl in pink tracksuit. 

She looked at me and smiled. 

I waved and smiled under my mask. 

She waved back and said, "Hi!"

It felt so good. Strange that a tiny child made me feel safe. There are weird ways in which you get the sign that your prayers have been heard.

I got home. I still feel shaken. My head still hurts. I think it will all be okay then. 

The mother and children will rest.