Stupidity

 I have been avoiding all client interaction for a while now and today I just couldn't avoid it. I told people that I wasn't ready to talk to clients anymore. I wasn't ready to talk to anyone anymore. But they insisted. I complied. And sure enough, I snapped. Didn't make for a good conference call. 

Today I did the other joyous thing of looking up suicide rates in India. These are the 2019 numbers, in thousands:

Below 18 years	9.61
18 to 30 years	48.77
30 to 45 years	44.29
45 to 60 years	25.44
60 years and above	11.01

These numbers seem to be slightly different from the trends in the West where older people, above 65, kill themselves. Somewhere I had read that the loneliness in old age gets too hard to bear. It seems to be the reverse in India.

Could it be because we are a crowded place? When you are younger, you don't get the time and space you need to figure yourself out so you feel suffocated. So you go and you kill yourself. Or you feel scared at the prospect of spending your later years alone and you commit suicide. But as you get older, if you get through that rough and risky patch of 18 to 30, you start realizing that people are idiots and you are pretty blessed if they leave you alone.

My dhobi hasn't come and I miss my white dress. That is neither here nor there. But someone not showing up when they are supposed to show up...in light of what happened to Reggy...one wonders.

Those stats are from Statista, by the way.

Tim Ferriss, the author of the 4-hour series and the podcast guy, wanted to commit suicide once. I think he was in Princeton or some fancy Univ. He went about planning it meticulously and checked out a book, "How to commit suicide". He filled out the wrong address. Instead of his Univ address, the book got sent to his home address where his mum found it. She was horrified, called him up...and that's when he decided to not go through with it. He didn't want to cause pain to his family. 

Whenever I hear that story, I think of that author who wrote that book. I don't know if he or she committed suicide himself or herself...but that person obviously summoned up enough life force and discipline and purpose to write that book, get it edited, get it published. I wonder if there was a book tour. There's material for a dark comedy here.

Sometimes I think of that story, "Godaan" by Premchand. I don't remember the details but it's about a poor man, Hori, who is steeped in debt and in a lot of trouble. One day he goes to drown himself in the river. As he moves in deeper, he starts thinking of all the problems he will be rid off once he dies. Then his thoughts shift. He starts remembering the good times...his son's smile, his wife's love, his friends in the village, the lunch he has in the shade of the tree, the deep affection of the cow (that his brother poisoned)...and he realises that he doesn't want to die. That's exactly when the tide pulls him in and he drowns.

Apparently many people die of strangling themselves or jumping off a high floor. Apparently the way someone kills themselves may be a psychological indicator  of the reason they chose to die. Jumping or hanging means that you had high expectations of yourself and you could not live up to them. The 'lower level' was more comfortable, more appealing...and you wanted to get there faster. This information... THIS information...was covered in the first week in my college Psychology class. 

Anyway, feel like having chai now. Will stop this post for a while.

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It took me forever but I did 15 suryanamaskars today. Sure, I do these suryanamaskars at night but I am sure there's a sunrise somewhere. Then I ate rice and vegetables, two butter croissants lightly toasted and smeared with jam, a phirni, two pyaaz parathas made with rajgir aata (I don't know what that is but it is some kind of a millet-based flour that my cook unearthed from somewhere). There is still a croissant in the fridge. I think I will have that with coffee. And there's a chocolate croissant also. I will eat that maybe - depends on how late I stay up feeling sad, morose, and/ or guilty. 

I am feeling a little bad for yelling at the client. Let me see how I can make amends. I mean I could say sorry but that won't cut it. I can't guarantee that it will not happen again...I wish everyone just listened to me. If I don't want to talk, I don't want to talk. And I wish that stupid Microsoft Teams is wiped out of the face of this earth. It is so irritating. I think I might even have been hold it together if it was Zoom or Google Meet. That stupid rash, Microsoft Teams, is what got my goat. Why the hell is it so difficult to log in there? I mean, the definition of stolid bunkering conferencing systems used to be Webex until this archaic doldrum of a software made its appearance. Stupid Microsoft Teams.

I can't believe that I did the 15 suryanamaskars. I'm feeling good about that. 

I like croissants. I love them actually. But I don't like chocolate croissants...at least the ones with too much chocolate. Okay, here's a list of the croissants that I really like listed in order of preference:

1. The soft, flaky plain butter croissants - where the crust is golden and brown and the inside is gentle and soft. When I was small, I used to dream of a blanket shaped like a croissant - imagine sleeping wrapped up in it. I like to have it basted with a spot of honey.

2. The almond croissant. It is slightly sweet and nutty and perfect to have by itself. This is such a beautiful thing to have in the house. It is the snack equivalent of a bottle of champagne. Lovely, elegant, and spreads cheer all around.

3. The chocolate croissant. I don't like chocolate. So for me to like a chocolate croissant, the chocolate has to be subtle. The chocolate must swirl into the folds of the croissant layers, emerging like strains of harmony in a piece of music. 

4. The olive croissant. I don't quite care for the savoury croissants (other than the gorgeous butter ones). But a good olive croissant is nice with a bit of salsa or pesto or avocado dip.

Wow! This really lifted my mood.I will make some coffee and get me a croissant!

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I just realized that I have to wash the pan if I have to make coffee. So, waiting to feel more excited about that. Meanwhile I searched for that book, "How to Commit Suicide". The results are...well...funny. There is a book that is only a Kindle edition and it has 1 star with a review that reads, "It didn't help me." (This dark comedy practically writes itself.) Then there's another book, "How to Commit Suicide in Italy". That's a whole new dimension to 'Lonely Planet'. I was really curious to get that. I wonder if the majestic vistas of Cinque Terre were covered as one explained the precision of slashing the wrist. 

Am sleepy and tired now.