Bad dreams but day goes on

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 I had a very bad dream in the afternoon. I generally work through the night and take a nap in the afternoon. I saw Ma and she was sad. It was a bad dream. I remember just hugging her and holding her. But she was sad. And then I woke up and my father said that he is going out tomorrow. I don't approve one bit but...I mean, no one here is really looking for my permission to do what they like. 

Anyway, I had to have a few calls in the evening. And one of them went really well. It is such a Irish pleasure when you and a visual designer connect. I can't explain it.So much is made of 'love at first sight'and all that - but when I meet someone who can give visuals to my words, I just feel like there is some meaning in my life. That was good.

Then I had another call. And it went on longer than I expected but I learned a lot in that time. Those are the best bits I feel in a workday...when you just log in for a regular call but you come out with a little bit of marvel of what you didn't know.

Then of course I needed to really, really talk to my friend. So I called up J who was about to go for a late-night walk and then off to bed. And I have no clue how we got started talking about masturbation and she thinks it is not a good idea. I think it is. I think overall, sex is a stupid idea. I mean...maybe it has its place and all that. But really - I feel that our culture has just built it up way too much. Like I don't understand this great pain and divide over sexless marriages. I feel that that's the best kind of marriage...one can talk, connect, be silent, give space, etc. Unless you want kids...and even then, there are so many around. But really - this documentation around adoption in India -man! (The process just has to be easier for those of us who want to adopt. It is too tough and too much. And whatever that psychological audit the counsellors want you to do - especially for single women...I think it is unfair. It is a very good exercise but it's...not really correct, I think. I mean...how can anyone predict what kind of a parent you can be? Predict to the point of certainty? But yes, a baby is a very special entity. Too important to take a chance with.)

Anyway, back to sex. I was learning yoga in Bangalore. A teacher would come to teach me at home. One day she very gently asked me if I got guests home. I said yes and talked a little bit about my friends. Then she coughed and asked me if men came over. I said sometimes. I mean I didn't have any guy friends there but maybe a couple of them had hung out. Then she sensed that I was probably not getting her point and just came right out and said that I needed to 'have sex' because it was good for health, mood, and hormone. I disagreed. Maybe I come from the school of thought (or Convent school, to be precise) that abstinence is far more powerful than sex can be. Also, less of a hassle and all that. Then my friend had also said that women really need to copulate to be hormonally balanced, etc. But I don't know. I think sex is like green tea...overhyped, over-marketed, and very dubiously positioned as being good for health. I am not entirely opposed to either but if it really has to be good, it has to be authentic - not the random, everyday stuff that is so commonly available. And I genuinely think that it is not for everyone. 

But it is quite unnecessary. J feels like we give too much thought to it. And I am anyway messed up because of my Convent education. Well, she may have a point.

I have nearly 8 large projects to complete over the weekend and I have started feeling overwhelmed. But there is a thing that I have started praying for. I have started praying for a very specific strength - the strength to surrender. Not like a loser who wants to avoid the pain. Like a swimmer who dives into the ocean and gets lifted up. 

I generally like to take on more than I can chew. But even for my standards, the current volume of work and calls and online meetings and proposals and storyboards and content calendars and negotiations is feeling like it is too much. But maybe this is the extent of what I feel I can do based on past experience. Maybe it is time to stretch and fly. Always better to experiment with work rather than sex. That's for sure.

Maybe I will come through the other side with peace. There's this thing I read that gives me solace: "Who you think you are cannot handle the challenges you face; but who you really are can and will."

I will find out. 


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