A couple of days ago, I had thought of shutting down the blog.
A month ago, I had thought of selling off my car.
Nearly a year ago, I had thought of ending my life.
I think of these three incidents because these thoughts had come to me from a place of very deep, peaceful sadness. I can't explain what this sadness feels like or what this peace feels like. I don't know why I was making such big, final decisions and on the basis of what. Maybe I forgot what all of this meant. Maybe there was no interest in continuing to guard this blog and what it stood for, my car and what that stood for, and my life and what that also stood for.
They all just felt like very big, heavy, wobbly stickers that were peeling off.
Anyway, I am writing the blog now.
My car is still there. I haven't driven it yet but I haven't sold it either.
My life - well, it still has all kinds of emotions and adventures and frustrations embroidered onto it. Haven't ended it.
My decision to continue with all three also came from a place of peaceful sadness. A gentle acknowledgment that I don't know if I am worthy of all the plans I made for each of these things...but as long as there are days when I will breathe and the sun will shine, I will remain with these things.
With a lot of tenderness and humility, I move onwards.
A month ago, I had thought of selling off my car.
Nearly a year ago, I had thought of ending my life.
I think of these three incidents because these thoughts had come to me from a place of very deep, peaceful sadness. I can't explain what this sadness feels like or what this peace feels like. I don't know why I was making such big, final decisions and on the basis of what. Maybe I forgot what all of this meant. Maybe there was no interest in continuing to guard this blog and what it stood for, my car and what that stood for, and my life and what that also stood for.
They all just felt like very big, heavy, wobbly stickers that were peeling off.
Anyway, I am writing the blog now.
My car is still there. I haven't driven it yet but I haven't sold it either.
My life - well, it still has all kinds of emotions and adventures and frustrations embroidered onto it. Haven't ended it.
My decision to continue with all three also came from a place of peaceful sadness. A gentle acknowledgment that I don't know if I am worthy of all the plans I made for each of these things...but as long as there are days when I will breathe and the sun will shine, I will remain with these things.
With a lot of tenderness and humility, I move onwards.
Comments
Surely something wonderful is sheltered inside you. I say this with all confidence, because I happen to believe we are all walking repositories of buried treasure. I believe this is one of the oldest and most generous tricks the universe plays on us human beings, both for its own amusement and for ours: The universe buries strange jewels deep within us all, and then stands back to see if we can find them.