Monday, June 01, 2015

672 - Tears will set you free?

Since last week, I have been very tired. So tired that I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I haven't felt this exhausted before. I don't know whether it was because of the heat or my increasing sleeplessness. But my body ached, the muscles and tendons in my legs feeling sore and tingly because I'd imagine a deep tissue massage even when I was half-asleep.

We have shifted our office space. It's a swankier location and it has yellow partitions which I like but I really preferred my old office. It was more warm. This place seems to buttoned-up a bit too much for my taste. But I suppose it will take time to settle in.

There has been a lot of work so I am reaching home really late. I'm not able to sleep so by the time  hit bed, it's six in the morning. Then I wake up by eight to let the cleaning lady in. So, it's been two hours of sleep for a long time now. I've been irritable and grouchy. My mind has been so slow and woolly. I need to really focus on a person's lips to get the full import of what they are saying. The afternoon slump is really cruel. I have absolutely no ounce of energy. I drag myself to the coffee machine to swallow some bitter stuff that coats my tongue such that I feel like there's a layer of cotton on it. An all through the weeks, I feel like some nerves in my hands and shoulder blades near the soles of my feet are balled up. I feel like I am constricted. When I become aware of how much tension I am holding on to, I remember to press the tips of my fingers or massage my shoulder blades. And the release of that tension feels so exquisite that it's painful. The only thing I can't massage or expand is this tiny hard lump of sadness I seem to carry around in my heart. It feels physical. Whatever gets through my gullet - water r candy or rice- seems to ricochet around this dark smooth shiny rock.

I feel that this rock could be blasted or dissolved through a really deep, intense, physical experience like maybe that kind of sex or weeping really hard - the kind that you hiccup and choke and cough through. Sex is not something I would consider but crying I would. In fact, crying even used to come easy. I can't imagine being so exhausted that I can't even cry.

Today it changed though. My folks are here and earlier in the evening I had a huge argument with them - at least my mom. And I cried and cried. Even though I was bawling through this whole thing rubbing my eyes fiercely and all that, I felt a little relieved. I could feel that tough little stone part of my heart blasted through.

But I'm feeling exhausted and really tender now. I want to be taken care of now for the next few months or so. But I've appointed a new cook who comes tomorrow morning at seven.


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