Q for now, A for later?

-
I have been feeling this since the last few days. I feel that at some point of time, I may lose control of my faculties and not even be barely functional. Like I might get dressed and leave the bra straps unhooked because my hands can't reach behind. The twitch in my eyes get worse and I dribble all over a coffee cup. I can't eat without half-chewn food oozing out of a slack mouth. While physical degeneration is easier to pinpoint, the emotional and spiritual is not. Maybe all these constructs that I have built around me to help me cope with what has been and what will be, will crumble away. I will forget how to respond to a smile and a good morning. I will not know how to recover from a slight. I will forget how to be kind and not even know how to begin to forgive. That practice that I had learned to release and let go, that too will have shifted away somewhere. My brain feels far too fevered for comfort.

This question is so cliched that I metaphorically roll up my eyes everytime it comes up. But in light of what I feel these days, this question shines. It's shining brighter with every passing moment. It catches me unaware- as I fill water or count bunches of lavender flowers or turn the key in the lock or put away food in the fridge. That question bobs up and down around me.

What remains? 

Comments

Anonymous said…
Exactly the state of mind I am in right now! So mad and frustrated at recent happenings, insensitive relatives, certain events that happened - or not happened - just thinking about them is taking a toll on me. I guess it is making me look unwell and draining me out. It has affected my rational thinking too - not sure what I am eating, when I finished what, don't remember if I took my meds, unable to concentrate at work...! You might be talking about something entirely different here, but thanks anyway for the vent!
1:55 AM
Unknown said…
the twitch and the slacking mouth, i think the tooth problem can take the blame for that. and you i blame for being a bad girl and not listening to me when i told you to see a dentist. have you gone now? did you get it extracted? you can do some exercises of the mouth (yoga?) and see if that helps. and for the zillionth time, come stay with me for a while, it might help(heal) you. but you never listen to me, do you?? ziddi ladki...

you too anonym; i am sure you are ziddi too...never listening to good advice...
1:27 PM
Anonymous said…
As usual - the rest of the body parts blamed because the brain feels helpless! And no Jagdeep kaur, it is not 'zidd' that makes you rant this way; it is more like helplessness! The feeling of nothing going right for you. I have been there before and have realized how things change from worse to good in a matter of days. So, hanging in there, but complaining nevertheless!
12:00 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Check (the) mate

-
My cousin, who was born sixteen hours before me, got married recently. I am expected to follow her footsteps soon. Thankfully, I have been granted more than sixteen hours to do that. My father’s health has taken a turn for the worse. My mother is completely exhausted. Rationally, points 1, 2, and 3 would be distinct from each other. But in my family there is no such thing as ‘rationally’. Therefore all these points are inter-related. Strangely, here, we believe my marriage to be an antidote to mortality and fatigue. I happened to be sitting in my parents’ room while Ma looked through Papa’s blood reports. They didn’t look good. Ma was worried and Papa didn’t help matters much. He kept talking about Sourav Ganguly and why he deserved better. Ma got further agitated and after flinging the reports somewhere inconvenient to retrieve (I should know), she snapped, “So what? There are many like him.” Papa doesn’t believe that and would have no one in his family believe that either. He went to
Read more

Not the same, all the same - Rang de Basanti, being a Hindu, uniform civil code, and Hostage – in that unrelated sequence

-
I watched ‘Rang de basanti’. That, however, is not the point. Everyone now wants to go to Delhi and cruise around in jeeps at night. And that too is not the point. I need to say something. That, really, is the point. ‘Rang de…’ is a good movie but frankly, I’ve seen better. I’ve seen ‘Yuva’. It is creditable, though, that the movie could say what it did without using the ‘sage on the stage’ (as we say in Instructional Design) approach. The movie does have a couple of ideas that I have been besotted with for a long time now. One is the life of a story. There is the germ of an idea about men who go to their deaths cheerfully. There is fascination about what could inspire such courage in ordinary people. That story lays inside a diary for a long time. How long? Long enough for history to play itself out and begin the process of repeating itself. A nation goes the ‘Animal Farm’ way – humans out, pigs in. The story lays untouched – fermenting in latent vigor. Then someone discovers it. She
Read more

Save the Indian (male) child

-
This isn't exactly a feminist tirade, but this is written by a woman, and it is written in annoyance. You raise your girls to be sweet, strong, and independent. (Wise parents teach their children to listen to opinions and discard or heed accordingly. The other ones just teach their kids to bullshit everything that everyone says. Still others bring up girls to be on guard and forget that spine so that everyone thinks well of them. I am not sure which is worse, but I detest people shoving their opinions down other people's throats in a show of liberation, so I'll lean towards the former. But only slightly.) As the gender construct of being a 'female' is pushed even further, you teach your daughter complicated activities – driving, perhaps, sending them off away from home, wearing a sari (those freaking pleats!), cooking and de-veining prawns for added advantage. At the end of that, you have a person who genuinely dislikes blending into anything, doesn't like bei
Read more