Saturday, May 31, 2014

Q for now, A for later?

I have been feeling this since the last few days. I feel that at some point of time, I may lose control of my faculties and not even be barely functional. Like I might get dressed and leave the bra straps unhooked because my hands can't reach behind. The twitch in my eyes get worse and I dribble all over a coffee cup. I can't eat without half-chewn food oozing out of a slack mouth. While physical degeneration is easier to pinpoint, the emotional and spiritual is not. Maybe all these constructs that I have built around me to help me cope with what has been and what will be, will crumble away. I will forget how to respond to a smile and a good morning. I will not know how to recover from a slight. I will forget how to be kind and not even know how to begin to forgive. That practice that I had learned to release and let go, that too will have shifted away somewhere. My brain feels far too fevered for comfort.

This question is so cliched that I metaphorically roll up my eyes everytime it comes up. But in light of what I feel these days, this question shines. It's shining brighter with every passing moment. It catches me unaware- as I fill water or count bunches of lavender flowers or turn the key in the lock or put away food in the fridge. That question bobs up and down around me.

What remains? 

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Exactly the state of mind I am in right now! So mad and frustrated at recent happenings, insensitive relatives, certain events that happened - or not happened - just thinking about them is taking a toll on me. I guess it is making me look unwell and draining me out. It has affected my rational thinking too - not sure what I am eating, when I finished what, don't remember if I took my meds, unable to concentrate at work...! You might be talking about something entirely different here, but thanks anyway for the vent!

Jagdeep Kaur said...

the twitch and the slacking mouth, i think the tooth problem can take the blame for that. and you i blame for being a bad girl and not listening to me when i told you to see a dentist. have you gone now? did you get it extracted? you can do some exercises of the mouth (yoga?) and see if that helps. and for the zillionth time, come stay with me for a while, it might help(heal) you. but you never listen to me, do you?? ziddi ladki...

you too anonym; i am sure you are ziddi too...never listening to good advice...

Anonymous said...

As usual - the rest of the body parts blamed because the brain feels helpless! And no Jagdeep kaur, it is not 'zidd' that makes you rant this way; it is more like helplessness! The feeling of nothing going right for you. I have been there before and have realized how things change from worse to good in a matter of days. So, hanging in there, but complaining nevertheless!