Friday, August 09, 2013

Upon moving on

Today, I decided something...which caused me to feel some freedom yet a tough, lingering sense of sadness. By the end of this year, I had hoped to get together with someone. This, based on my decision today, pushes me further from the finishing line. Oddly, I do feel bad yet liberated. Self-respect is a funny little companion. I haven't exactly heard it speak up too often. It gets drowned out by the long wail of love. But sometimes, when love has thrashed about and injured every scrap out of you, this teeny little whisper of self-respect will come along and mumble, "Nope. You mustn't be treated this way. You deserve better. Come, now, let's get coffee." And then you do get up, wipe off the dust and tears and maybe the spot of blood that trickles down your lip, to get that cup of coffee. The voice of love trails along. It says that you are making a mistake. That you really must be more patient and all that. That maybe you should not be so selfish. It will tell you that you are abandoning much that is good and wholesome. For something that may or may not even exist, that weird cloud of whateverness that self-respect has become. Except that whateverness points to your wounded lip and tells you, again, "No. You deserve better."

The mind will always have justifications. The heart will always have disclaimers. No wonder one has such a hard life. Imagine getting through with a law firm in your psyche.

3 comments:

Mugdha said...

You go, girl! You DO deserve better. Don't make compromises where your happiness is concerned.

Deepa said...

It's funny - the date. I made a vry similar promise to myself then. Hope you are well.

Anonymous said...

And THIS!

I read somewhere that they must have a name for it when you date your best-friend, and I agree they really must.

And now, after being there for each other for over 5 years, out of which only 4 months were as a couple, it is pretending that i don't exist? i am at the receiving end of a silent treatment. i have tried to justify so many things so often that now - "Nope. You mustn't be treated this way. You deserve better. Come, now, let's get coffee."

it has taken me so long to get here that it feels much better than worse.