8:30 p.m. and not a moment too soon

It is 8:30 at night now. I’m actually feeling really restless and uneasy. I wonder why I feel this way since the last week. Could it be because it’s almost October now? Everywhere around the world, the country at the very least, winter must be setting in. And I think I am genetically not equipped to handle winter. Maybe I just yearn for some kind of hibernation when that time approaches. I feel that way about winter – it’s a façade. Winter’s like a woman wearing a lot of make-up to hide her scars she’s had from an accident a long time ago. She wears a heavy layer of foundation to cover the stitches on her cheek, and garish eyeshadow to cover up the scars around her eyes. Winter places and winter people, I associate with disguised motives. They cloak their pain. You only see it when it’s transmitted to someone else. Like a rude remark, a sarcastic comment, a sly glance, a disdainful look. I don’t like winter.

Actually, I don’t think that’s entirely correct. I like it. It makes a place look ethereal – mist, sunshine wrapped in a blanket of fog, poetry literally swirling around bright, fresh winter blooms. I wonder what my problem is with this season.

Actually, to drill it down even further, I wonder what my problem is. Why am I currently feeling so restless? In terms of health, I think I’m in great shape. I have more stamina than I had earlier, and the yoga’s made my body a lot more flexible than it was a few months back. I f I get injured or if I suffer from something, I recover immediately. And good health for me is a priority, so I’m okay on that front.

Work is good too. It’s interesting. There are times when I feel stifled. But that’s okay. It’s something that I negotiate with on a case by case basis. Most importantly, there’s learning every single day. That definitely beats boredom. So, work’s cool as well.

Maybe I feel a little selfish. I don’t like this feeling. I feel like I’m not doing enough for others. The thing is I dislike charity. I don’t like giving money or help to people I don’t know. Unless it’s for a catastrophe they had no control over – like a flood or a drought or something like that. I like to help people I can connect with. Like my cook. Like some woman in the train who’s feeding her baby. I like helping people. I wish I did it more, though.

I think I’m restless because I don’t stand up for enough people on a regular basis. Like if I see someone being slapped on the road by goons, I don’t think I’d stop and intervene. I don’t like that about myself. I wish I could change that. Maybe it will change. I mean, it can’t be too difficult. There was a time when I couldn’t stand up for myself. Now, besides standing up for myself, I can practically trample people into the ground if I have to. But I’d like to have the guts to do all this for a rank stranger – like maybe a guy being beaten up by hoodlums, and I’d stop to help him. I wonder if it is fear holding me back. Yes, it is. Stupid, crappy, goddamn fear! It’s such a wasted emotion. What good can come out of that feeling? Even something like jealousy can be useful – you think about it, you face your insecurities, you learn something. But what does fear do? I don’t like being afraid.

I’m even scared of cats, bats, rats, and lizards. They make me feel icky. Where did this fear come from? How do you get rid of it?

In the past, if something’s made me afraid, I’ve done it. Like maybe say sorry to someone who I know will yell and shut me out of his/ her life. I’ve done that. Travel somewhere with an unruly crowd. I’ve done that. Go to Connaught Place alone at twelve thirty at night. Done that. Sit outside a cemetery waiting for a friend who’d gone searching for her ear-ring. Done that too. (Although that is an experience I would NEVER like to repeat.) But some other things, I’m still scared of. I wish I wasn’t.

Perhaps that’s why I don’t like winters. This season just throws up these sorts of emotional dregs that I don’t notice in the midst of summer.

After my current project is completed, which I think should be around January or February, I will take two weeks off. Do yoga for 6 hours a day, eat steamed rice and sprouts and meditate for around twelve hours or so. I AM going to get to the bottom of this…whatever this is… before the winter of 2010.

That much I promise to myself.